Paper Monitor
14:25 UK time, Monday, 28 June 2010
A service highlighting the riches of the daily press.
Where does Paper Monitor start?
The soul searching, the psychological humiliation, the sense of being robbed... but maybe that's just what they mean when they talk about the quintessential Glastonbury experience.
No, joking aside. England's defeat by Germany is serious.
"Message to the England players after Germany gave them one hell of a beating... YOU LET YOUR COUNTRY DOWN" reads the Sun headline. Inside there's a picture of Wayne Rooney next to another headline "NO DEFENCE".
And the editorial notes that "Rooney must have been the tournament's most disappointing player".
It must be the heat that is inducing hallucinations of a Sun front page from a couple of weeks ago that featured Rooney wrapped in an England flag and the words "On the 70th anniversary of Winston Churchill's historic speech, England's footballers must tonight give the nation... THEIR FINEST HOUR (and a half)".
The sense of loss is completed inside today's issue with a picture of Gazza mopping his tears in the 1990 semi-final, alongside one of him, minus many hair follicles, doing the same again yesterday.
Or is the England legend actually just mopping some sweat from his cheek on what was, after all, the hottest day of the year?
The Daily Mirror is perhaps a little more tempered in its heartache; a little more philosophical in its ruminations.
Unlike the Sun, it's not the only story in its comment column. There's "10 reasons to be cheerful" and then "10 more..." And here's Stuart Maconie weighing in with a his trademark "so it goes" smile, trying to throw some perspective of bruised English egos:
"We did give the world penicillin and passenger trains and the world wide web and the iPod. But within 10 minutes every country had a better railway system. And if we'd had to market, distribute and promote the iPod it would be the size of a wardrobe and only play Oasis."
Wow, this is starting to work wonders on Paper Monitor, which, despite being of no discernible gender or indeed national provenance, might nevertheless have wanted an England win.
And it is with this feel-better feeling starting to spread, aided undoubtedly by the hot weather, that we welcome back Brighton Beach Mammoirs.
Those loyal to this column will be familiar with this occasional strand which records soaring temperatures by picturing scantily clad sun revellers on the conveniently close-at-hand venue of, er, Brighton beach.
The Independent (cough) and Daily Telegraph and Sun all tip their knotted handkerchiefs to this seasonal gesture, although somewhat disconcertingly for a tabloid, the latter does so at a discreet distance.
All that football must having a strange effect.
The 
