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I feel that the kudos to be gained from having something published on Magazine Monitor needs to be quantified. Does the kudos gained from having, say, four or five letters published equal the kudos gained from being published in the caption competition? Are they exchangeable? Also, how do they compare with having a letter published in a broadsheet newspaper? Can the Independent Guardian of Monitor Weights and Measures help us? Also, is there an agreed protocol for referring to one's kudos in conversation with women?
Rob Mimpriss, Bangor, Wales

Liverpool is marking the sinking of the Titanic with huge amounts of water gushing where that's not supposed to happen, in a re-creation of last year's burst water main in Huyton. This seems to be in rather poor taste.
David Richerby, Liverpool, UK

Is it just me or was the Neanderthal man modelled on Carlos Tevez?
Andy Taylor, Southampton

Responding to Christian Cook's comments (Wednesday's letters) I can do no better than quote Justin Leigh, of ³ÉÈËÂÛ̳ Spotlight: "It's been a very wet start to the drought!" I'll inflate my liferaft.
Paul Morris, Cheriton Fitzpaine, Devon

If I could just think of something interesting/witty to write there is a chance of getting a hat trick of letters published in one week - a feat I did achieve once before. I have (sadly) checked to see if there is a term for a double hat trick but alas no, so I'm proposing one. I'm suggesting a "Demba Ba" after the Senegalese footballer who has twice put three past the goalie. A "Paul Scholes" or a "Steven Gerrard" were other less exciting options.
Sarah Conner, Birmingham, UK

Sarah (Wednesday's letters), just to note - chocolate is poisonous to dogs. PS, what is your address? I'm trying to get in touch with you.
Model 101 Terminator, Cyberdyne Systems, US

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