³ÉÈËÂÛ̳

July
Tiger Woods injures both his wrists ducking down behind a pub table in order to avoid a conversation with Nick Faldo. He bravely soldiers on with both arms in a sling (he's brilliant with one of them broom-handled putters between his teeth) and finally takes the old claret jug by a single stroke. In a moment of misplaced generosity he asks Monty to hold the trophy aloft for him. Never have Colin's teeth been so gritted.

The Wimbledon roof is in place and there's two weeks of unbroken sunshine. Federer wins back the trophy with a faultless display of naff cardigan wearing.

The Australians arrive with a bowling attack ready for the fight. England are 20-2 when KP walks out - the sight of the best South African batsman in the world turns the lot of them into pie-chuckers overnight and after a wondrous double hundred, Freddie tears into the Aussie batting. Owais Shah is unable to play in any of the first three Tests because the selectors are planks and don't pick him.

August
The World Athletics Championships arrive in Berlin and Usain Bolt startles the world by admitting his fast times in the 100 metres were due to the fact that he's found a short cut.

The Aussies go into the Headingley Test 2-0 down with two to play and with a bowling attack of Lillee, Thomson, McGrath and Warne. The Ashes are reclaimed by England after they beat Australia by 10 wickets after the England openers Panesar and Harmison put on 138 for the first wicket. (All right it's going to be a lot closer than this but you've got to have some fun while you can, haven't you?)

August ends with newly-promoted Burnley topping the table. However, the big story concerns Sir Alex, who steps down as manager of United after two defeats. The board explain that the pressure to get results is immense these days and Fergie is replaced by Harry 'I've just taken Spurs down' Redknapp. Paul Ince says Fergie's been treated badly cos he's ex-United.

September
After surgery on his shoulder problems, a Rory Delap throw-in ends up in the stands on the other side of the pitch at the Britannia Stadium. Stoke are playing away to Manchester City at the time! Delap's surgeon reveals that Rory's surgery cost six million dollars.

The Formula 1 season is heading for a tight finish with only two drivers vying for the trophy - Felipe Massa, who has been valeting his own car beautifully all season, and Lewis Hamilton who's facing a barrage of criticism for getting his car cleaned in Sainsbury's car park while he does a bit of shopping.

England play Croatia at home. It pours down with rain and Capello stands out in it in his shirt and tie, two little windscreen wipers on his groovy continental specs. England win 1-0 after Arsenal's Michael Owen scores the only goal after a through-ball from Liverpool's Gareth Barry. Anyone's-guess-who's Jermain Defoe misses a sitter in the last seconds but it's all fine and England have qualified for 2010.

October
Scotland beat Holland at home to claim a runners-up spot. Wales muster a magnificent pair of victories against Russia and Finland and they scrape into the World Cup play-offs too - to meet Scotland. Cue thousands of re-runs of that Joe Jordan handball in 77/78. You're right my friends from across the Dyke - it's up there with Maradona that one!

Arsene Wenger causes outrage when he fields a team of under-12s in the Carling Cup, but Le Professeur insists he needs to give the squad players some experience. They beat Swansea City 4-0.

The Champions League's penalty shoot-out is redesigned. Penalties will still be taken but they have to be earned first by players producing 'believable simulations'. It becomes known as the dive-off. It automatically adds ten million each to the price of Drogba, Cristiano and Stevie G. John Pantsil, however, is available on a free.

November
Olympic planners admit that the continuing recession has forced a rethink on 2012 and they unveil new plans for the various venues.
The Olympic torch - literally a torch that Seb Coe found in his car - will be turned off during the day to save battery life.

The swimming pool is to be put on Hackney Marshes and there'll be 24-hour security to prevent anyone from popping it in the night with a safety pin or summat like that.
Victoria Park duck pond is bracing itself for the regatta.

The cycle races are to be done on stationary exercise bikes although it is believed that wiring up (Sir) Chris Hoy's machine to the National Grid should actually make money. And Ben Ainslie is ready to take on the world with his new boat just as soon as he's got used to the remote controls. The badminton and table-tennis finals will take place in Mrs. Andrews' back garden. And the gymnastics has been moved to Gorilla Kingdom at London Zoo.

Meanwhile 'Enry Cooper announces he's coming out of retirement to take on George Foreman. And Harry Redknapp leaves Man Utd and goes back to Portsmouth where they've always been lovely to him. Joe Kinnear takes over at OT.

December
There's the usual huge speculation over who should win Sports Personality of the Year. Should it be KP, following his 1,000 runs against Australia? Should it be Lewis Hamilton for nicking sixth place in the final F1 race of the year and putting the name of Twingo back in the minds of petrol-heads everywhere?

Should it be Jonny Wilkinson who following his spiritual awakening and deep interest in quantum physics manages to convince South Africans of the unimportance of rugby in the grand scheme of things, allowing the British Lions to rack up tons of points and give the Saffers a right drubbing?

But in the end the public have their say and the final three are: Robbie Savage for his ability to eat cockroaches in the jungle; Will Greenwood, for his cha-cha-cha; and Nick Faldo, who goes on Celebrity Big Brother and loses all influence within a couple of days. (To his credit, John Terry refuses to do Dancing on Ice.)