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He's all elbows 'n' all, isn't he? Sooner or later some centre-half's going to wake up in a hospital bed and tell the nurses: "I had this dream I was being attacked by a deck-chair" and they'll have to tell him he was marking a big Belgian lad.

They tell me Moyes gave his team . That can't be pleasant; them big blue eyes boring into your face like a monster from the deep. Thing is, it worked. And I can't imagine Gareth Southgate - in fact anyone called Gareth - managing a rant of such quality.

He'd probably get as far as: "Aw come on you fellows, let's try and play more nicely in the second half. Remember there's fizzy pop and lemon drizzle cake for anyone who can tackle!"

International sport sometimes picks a sad man up, but not this weekend. In the West Indies, groundsmen continue to prepare .
Apparently during the England innings, a snail started to crawl up the pitch towards Strauss at the same time as Daren Powell hit his delivery stride. Strauss cuffed the ball to the cover boundary but not before he'd tickled the snail down to long leg for a single.
It's supposed to be a battle between bat and ball, for God's sake, and all we've had is utter monotony. KP's had an average series 'cos the lad's bored to tears. And who can blame him?

It doesn't help that the Aussies seem to have prepared for by listening to . It is a mighty vengeance indeed that they are wreaking and the new-look larrikins will be licking their lips at the thought of trotting in.

Still, there's always . Britain always do well at that. I've never quite understood why they have them funny banks round the bends. If Usain Bolt ran the indoor 200m they could probably make them vertical and he'd still go round 'em pretty comfortably.

Britain served up two gold medals. Not great. But then again I wonder about all these .
The trouble is, he's winning and winning easily when what the authorities would like him to do is go race donkeys donkeys on Blackpool beach.

Fact is Dwain needs the money, he owes the top brass the equivalent of - that is, an amount it's impossible to understand or indeed deserve.

He's tried and but even though he looks like two dozen bowling balls poured into a pair of tights, he's still a wussy sprinter at heart. So he's left with what he does best. Now if the people who make decisions don't like that then they should bring in legislation to stop it. I mean, in the name of all that is Fatima Whitbread, they are the ones in charge!

The new coach, a Dutch bloke called van Commenee, was reassuringly downbeat about the performance of (How I hate that phrase - what next I ask you? Fergie leading out Side ManU? Strauss leading out E11?). looks like Andy Warhol would've looked if he'd never discovered peroxide but he's blunt and that might give some of these nellies the kick up the rear they need.

Mind you, you lot aren't stupid. All this misery is rooted in the same old, same old. The . Doom hung over the boozer at six on Sunday. Never has the Blue Bell been bluer or the pork scratchings scratchier. Faces were so long it was like a van Nistelrooy family reunion, and I tell you my friends, even beer loses its appeal when it mixes with the brine of grown men's tears.

So we're left with the usual cliches: we'll concentrate on the league, keep our minds on survival, and know that we can come again.

But that's what the other 16 top-flight teams not in the Cup are saying too and most of them are in our particular bunfight 'cos the big boys have cruelly got their act together just when we thought loveable old rogues like 'Arry and Big Sam might be getting some silverware after all.

I heard Ferguson week after week and oh I could have wept for the poor soul. What with that and Abramovich losing all them roubles, I just can't get over how cruel life can be sometimes.

Tony Thompson said he'd rather we lost at Goodison than suffer a repeat of 1997 when we . And in any case who wants to go to Wembley for a semi-final?

Well you know what, Tony - all of us did, you plank. Let's hope , eh?