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WHO WILL HOLD THE TRUMP CARD – SCOTLAND OR NORTHERN IRELAND?

I was under the impression that the First Minister was in the USA to promote American investment into Northern Ireland – not to exclusively promote investment into his constituency of North Antrim as his latest public remarks would suggest.

Apparently there is an undisclosed site already waiting for Mr Trump. All he needs to do is transport his proposed Scottish development of golf courses, hotel and 1,500 housing units by ferry to the North Antrim coast with views overlooking the Giant’s Causeway!

The First Minister stated that when it came to planning matters, he would do all that is possible to assist, despite criticism. What criticism is he expecting and from whom?

• No criticism from adjoining land owners who probably vote DUP or who may be party members such as Mr Seymour Sweeney;

• No criticism from DUP Councillors who may at this very moment be organising themselves in anticipation and putting together speculative portfolios for ‘pre-sale agreements’ on the housing units with free life membership of the golf courses;

• No need to be concerned about the Planning Service. Why would it impose restrictions and conditions? It could grant under a new Mandatory Planning Permission Order;

• No need for Environment Impact Assessment (EIA) on flora and fauna. Someone from the DUP can always shoot the migratory Argentinean doves and the Irish hare would have to fend for itself;

• No need for EIA on ‘sky scraper’ housing with its ‘nuisance lighting’ – the low-energy candle is already being developed by the DUP Corporation and tests are expected to be carried out shortly on the Armagh Observatory’s Christmas tree!

• No need for concern for planning applications. The DUP’s Minister Foster will be ‘minded’ to grant permission under ‘Permitted Development’. I wonder if she is already drafting a new definition.

• No need for concern about Mr Trump doing an ‘Abraham’ and donating a fist full of dollars to the DUP as he is not on the electoral roll – besides the Electoral Commission would not tell us anyway. In an open government policy there is always a need for a few secrets – according to Holywood’s MI5 County Down Station;

• No need for any other land owners in Northern Ireland to offer Mr Trump land. There will probably be too many punitive planning conditions and restrictions – oh! Unless the land is outside the DUP green belt – that’s the West of the Bann ruled out on a technicality;

• No criticism from the Deputy First Minister. He doesn’t do golf. He is too busy fishing and giggling;

• There will absolutely be no criticism from ‘lazy journalists’ asking ‘stupid questions’ on the threat of a planning Enforcement Notice landing on their Editors’ desks.

I trust the First Minister will remember to register his interest in the House of Commons, the Donald Trump Bear. It’s the one with ‘You’re Fired’ embroidered on its new jersey!

There is no criticism whatsoever intended or directed towards Mr Trump and none should be taken by him. I would recommend to all a visit to Trump Tower, Fifth Avenue, Manhattan – not to be missed – and see the sixty-eight floor glass structure and the six-storey atrium waterfall. The coffee is great and of course one could always purchase one of those Trump Bears as a souvenir.

Happy Christmas to Mr Trump and a prosperous New Year!

Kind regards
Pandora

PS – I see Scotland’s First Minister is showing a belated interest. A word of caution. Mr Salmond is pushing for Scottish independence and might just be intending to nationalise golf courses, north of Hadrian’s Wall, or introduce a golf ball tax to make up for the recent financial shortfall from those middle-Englanders running the Treasury.