Australia in a nutshell
Early last year, at around the time of his inauguration, the Alice Springs local council rushed through a motion inviting Barack Obama and his telegenic family to visit the Northern Territory, Australia's red centre.
Right on cue, the local paper splashed upon its front page a stunning photomontage featuring a smiling president, with his beaming daughters, Malia and Sasha, standing in front of Uluru, the country's most instantly recognisable natural landmark.
President Obama will visit Australia next month, but alas it does not appear that "the Alice" will feature on his itinerary - even though the super-secret Pine Gap intelligence facility, operated jointly by Australia and America, is just down the road.
As I write, the presidential schedule has not yet been released, but his two-day visit does lend itself to an intriguing weekend parlour game: where should he go to find the real Australia. Or, put another way, which place, event or venue offers the most complete representation of this multifarious land?
Rural Australians might recommend a visit to the bush, a parched fountainhead of Aussie values, traditions and physical beauty. But this, remember, is the world's most urbanised country.
Perhaps the true Australia is to be found in the Aboriginal communities of the outback, although, again, only 2.6% of the country's population is made up of indigenous Australians.
In A Secret Country, John Pilger put forward a compelling argument for the beach, a communal gathering place which he called Australia's true democracy. For sure, this is a coast-hugging nation, where more than three-quarters of the population choose to live near to the sea.
But the beach is a place where you will generally find Australians in full relaxation mode, and, judged by the numbers of hours spent in the workplace, this is one of the hardest working nations in the world.
A citizenship ceremony might not be a bad idea, with its ranks of new Australians drawn from all over the world. Or perhaps he should have arranged his visit to coincide with ANZAC Day, in which case he could have taken part in the dawn commemorations and then retired to the pub for a game of "Two Up", the diggers' gambling game.
Personally, I reckon he would stand a pretty good chance of finding Australia in all its glorious contradictions at a place where the crowd is multi-gender, multi-generational and multi-racial - although, admittedly, the chances of seeing an indigenous Australian are depressingly thin.
If for a moment he stepped outside of his security cordon, the famed "bubble", he'd see long queues for strong, flavoursome Italian coffee, and, as the day went on, lines for weak, flavourless beer. The chances of watching a crustacean being hurled in the direction of a barbeque would admittedly be slim, but he could savour another antipodean culinary icon, the trusty meat pie.
In the ranks of boiler-suited police officers on the look-out for potential trouble-makers, he'd see the authoritarian face of a surprisingly officious country. He'd also witness a proud anti-authoritarianism, as the jeers and catcalls echoed and re-echoed as each miscreant was arrested or evicted.
He'd witness the nation's chummy egalitarianism and hear regular bursts of irreverent humour. Even in the most rarefied and exclusive sections, he'd perhaps notice a lack of formality, hierarchy and snobbery.
He would witness the generous applause for the gutsy and the gritty, the eager support for the underdog, and the mild derision directed towards anyone thought to be getting above themselves, especially those displaying the trappings of modern-day celebrity. He would perhaps notice that the biggest applause was reserved not for the most gifted or talented, but the most physically and psychologically brave - not that he should take it personally.
Plain for him to see would be the love of sport and the deep-felt appreciation for sportsmanship. The number of flags would speak of a fierce patriotism, while the cheers for hometown stars would reflect also reflect a proud parochialism.
There would be bookies, beach balls, zinc cream and a number of Australians "pulling a sickie". Beer advertisements would vie with hoardings telling people to drink less and drive more slowly.
He'd even get to meet the man who is often said to have the second most important job in the country.
Yep, if Barack Obama wanted a quick panoramic view of Australia, he could do a lot worse than heading to the cricket. As something for the weekend, do you have a better plan in mind?
I'm 
Comments
or to comment.