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Are you stumped by the Ashes? No more cricket-ignorance misery! Sit down with a cup of tea, a slice of Victoria sponge (which you have to announce to no-one in particular has been sent in by a Mrs Lavinia Throop of Stow-on-the-Wold), and read our beginner’s guide to the Ashes. You'll emerge a better and wiser person. Or at the very least you’ll have had a nice cup of tea and a bit of cake.

A series of five cricket matches played between England and Australia, the most recent winner of which gets to 'hold' the Ashes. To find out who the most recent winner is, check the Retail Price Index for sales of Australian lager.

An ever-present radio guide to cake, pigeons flapping down the boundary, tea, buses going along the Edgware Road, beards and streakers. Occasionally gets .

If someone says "Was that a yorker?" do not say "yes, sorry, I had two pints at lunch." It is, in fact, a bowled ball which hits the cricket pitch around the batsman's feet.

Running from one end of the pitch to the other. Nothing to do with the two pints you had at lunch.

A batsman scoring 50, or the time it takes for a test match to get going.

Cricketing proverb, rather like 'ladies before gentlemen' or 'pearls before swine'. More boringly, it is what happens if the umpire decides the ball would have hit the stumps if its path hadn’t been obstructed by the batsman's pads or body. Like the cricketing equivalent of the offside rule in football, but less shouty.

In.

Not out.

Fielding position close to the batsman, as well as a mid-off that is over-tired, over-excited and quite frankly needs to go to bed.

How the crowd amuses itself during matches in the British summertime while watching the opposing teams abuse each other.

Part of the field where the slip cordon stands. Obvs. Or, a fielder’s petticoat, under which you may glimpse his googly.

Don't start.

As a spectator, if you drink all the tea in your flask, you have 'run out'. As a cricketer, if no part of your bat is behind the crease when the wicket’s put down, you've been run out. And then you’ll be REALLY cross that there’s no tea left.

An over in which no runs are scored, or what Shane Warne (former Australia spin-bowling wizard for all you beginners) did to Elizabeth Hurley.

A defensive batsman, and how Elizabeth Hurley now refers to Shane Warne.

Do say "I miss Ritchie Benaud." Do not say "We’ve been here for three days and nothing’s happened. Maybe if that man with the cricket stick ran about on the court more it’d get going a bit."