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Don’t Try To Get Nifty With Filters

Whether you’re expressing a vital, significant viewpoint or alerting your brethren to some regional indiscretion, appearances are everything.

Isy Suttie was almost persuaded to rejoin her local group to hear news about an albino squirrel.

It’s hard to make a salient point if your profile picture is overly wacky, off-putting or deeply random. One issue that the Reverend Kate Bottley has noticed with posts on her local group, is people inadvertently activating a filter or virtual background on their images.

“They accidentally click on the birthday one,” Kate told Jayde. “So it’s like, ‘Dead duck in the canal. Happy Birthday!’ or even ‘Clive’s funeral is at 2 o’clock on Thursday. Happy Birthday!’ Makes me laugh every time.”

Remember, a picture speaks a thousand words. Don’t make two of those words ‘Happy Birthday’.

Do Adopt a Local Mascot

Whether it’s cats with a grudge, toad migration or dead pheasants, animals are a staple of neighbourhood messageboards. In fact, if you removed all the creature mentions, there would just be two posts about wheelie bins remaining.

And if a local area can identify a critter and then take them to their hearts, then nothing else can instil such a feeling of hope and togetherness. (Unless it’s unmasking a rogue dog poo bag spreader).

Isy Suttie had one such animal in her locale and it almost persuaded her to rejoin the social media site she’d previously abandoned.

“If Albie, the albino squirrel, is sighted around here, the WhatsApp group is pinging. ‘I’ve just seen him at number twenty.’ I reckon there’s more about Albie on Facebook. That is the reason to re-join. To hear the news about an albino squirrel.”

Perhaps the owners of any ailing social media sites should take heed.

Don’t Pretend Not To Hear

Passive-aggression is a go-to technique for some when posting on community messageboards. Levels of irony and sarcasm are sometimes so acute that they turn in on themselves and actually return to being sincere.

Pop star Self Esteem admits to having used 'Excuse Me?' in response to egregious posts about herself.

For Jayde, use of the word ‘Pardon?’ in reply to a message, suggesting the poster has failed to hear, is not considered good etiquette. “There’s a special place in hell for people like that,” she told her special guest Self Esteem.

“Pardon is bad,” Self Esteem agreed, though did admit to using the expression ‘Excuse me?’ in response to egregious posts about herself.

But she’s a pop star, so she’s allowed.

Do Be Egg Generous

While many local area groups tend to focus on the negative, such as offensive front gardens and parking abominations, they can also be a force for good.

During a baking crisis, Isy Suttie turned to her neighbourhood WhatsApp group for assistance. And it’s no exaggeration to suggest, they came up trumps.

“I remember needing two eggs because we’d started eating loads of pancakes. And my neighbour said ‘I’ve got two eggs’. It was so sweet. And then he said, ‘Do you want three?’ And it was like that bit in It’s a Wonderful Life.”

Now, if that doesn’t bring a lump to somewhere, I don’t know what will.

Don’t Expect A Warm Welcome

As I am sure you are aware, there are well established ‘kings’ and ‘queens’ of every neighbourhood. Characters that, either through longevity or a ruthless campaign of rumour-spreading and threat, have reached the top of the tree on a particular street.

Not even the legendary Grimmy can expect instant respect from his neighbours.

Even through sheer dint of being a celebrity, you will not outshine these individuals, as Nick Grimshaw found when he attempted to discover what day his discarded Christmas tree needed to be collected, in a particularly jocular manner. His overly effusive request was met with a blunt: ‘Monday’.

“Nobody wanted to chat with me,” he told Jayde.

Not even the legendary Grimmy can expect instant respect from his neighbours.

Do Expect The Unexpected

Even when you think you have heard absolutely everything it’s possible to hear on a community messageboard, something will come along that leaves you breathless.

Jayde told Kate Bottley about an incident of rampant ‘salad creaming’ in the Manchester area, when someone’s front door was doused with the condiment. “Beware the salad creamers are out and about in the M41 area” the fearful poster claimed.

And Kate spoke for us all when she said: “I have so many questions.”

But, in fact, while the original posters seemed most concerned with the variety of the salad cream (‘I don’t think it was Heinz. But maybe Lidl’) there was a possible nefarious reason for this activity. A reply suggested that if your door is creamed, and then not cleaned up, it indicates the occupier is away and open for burglary.

Though, as Kate suggests, her lack of cleaning prowess might lead to the white stuff staying on the door for a spell. “It’s on the other side of the door. The minute you shut your front door, that’s it, the world has disappeared.”

Yes, until you open up those neighbourhood apps Kate. Then a whole new wonderful world suddenly appears.

Listen to Welcome To The Neighbourhood with Jayde Adams on 成人论坛 Sounds