成人论坛

Anyone who’s ever ventured upon a romantic relationship in their life will tell you that for all the sweet photos and the heartfelt birthday dedications you see on social media, dating is no easy feat.

Making a decision about who to build a long-term life with is far from a simple choice. However, when kids become a part of the story, there’s another level to consider. Not only must you think about your personal compatibility, but it’s important to calculate whether your partner is a good match for the small human already in your life.

When the hosts of 成人论坛 Sounds podcast Go Ask Your Mother got together, it was something they both had to think about. Sindy Chikadaya was a single mum to a then-five-year-old Sienna when she got with Vanel Abramsamadu. After praying for a “quality man” on New Year’s Eve (and then connecting with Vanel on New Year’s Day 2018!), Sindy had a clear idea of the attributes a man had to have in order to be in her life.

“Number one, I was looking for someone who actually likes kids, and likes engaging with kids,” she explains.

Luckily, with Vanel already being an uncle to nieces and having been a youth worker, that box was checked.

Other qualities on Sindy’s list? “I was looking for a guy that was ambitious and had goals for his life - and also, a family man, and not just someone looking for fun. Vanel was humble and wholesome and a big, big family man. It was things like those that let me know he’d be a good person to have around my daughter.”

After their chance first meeting in a Shoreditch nightclub in 2017, Vanel put in the online groundwork months later to find Sindy again - and on his search, came across her Facebook profile, which let him know very early on that she was a mother. Though she didn’t have the opportunity to tell him herself, Sindy is certain that she would have let him know in their initial chats.

After their chance first meeting in a Shoreditch nightclub in 2017, Vanel put in the online groundwork months later to find Sindy again - and on his search, came across her Facebook profile, which let him know very early on that she was a mother. Though she didn’t have the opportunity to tell him herself, Sindy is certain that she would have let him know in their initial chats.

“In dating, I feel some parents are worried to say that they have kids in case it scares the person off,” says Sindy. “But I say, if it does frighten them off, they’re not for you. If that’s what makes them leave, let them go because that’s never going to be someone you want around your child. Tell them up front. If you don’t like children, why would I want you around mine?”

As someone who didn’t have children already, Vanel was also entering new territory when making a proper connection with Sindy. Though this might be something of a dealbreaker for other singletons, happily, Vanel wasn’t fussed.

“It didn’t really matter to me that Sindy was a mum,” Vanel shrugs. “In my younger days, I never saw myself getting with a woman that has a kid. As I got older and wiser, I realised it didn’t matter. I knew I was really interested in Sindy, and I realised she came as a package. I thought, I’m still gonna go for it! She still comes with beauty, humour, personality - and a child too. That doesn’t change my interest at all.”

While Sindy was making sure that Vanel was going to be a stable presence in her and Sienna’s future, she held off on letting the two meet. But, after a few months of dates outside the home, and Vanel only coming over when Sienna was fast asleep, the couple reached the point where it was time to bring both parts of Sindy’s life together.

Admittedly, Vanel was nervous. “Meeting Sienna for the first time was deep,” he remembers. “I’m now gonna meet this child that has had five years’ experience of life without me, and come in as some sort of father figure. There’s pressure.”

But despite Vanel’s initial worries, Sienna was willing to share her mum pretty instantly - and part of this, they believe, is down to preparing her, ahead of time, with the prospect of someone new joining the family unit.

“When Vanel was going to come into her life, I’d drop hints into Sienna’s mind to get her ready,” Sindy says.

“Even after the first few meetings, I’d speak to her like, ‘What do you think? Are you comfortable?’ These are the things you have to ask a child. You need to ensure that the child is happy with the person you’ve brought into your home.”

Vanel was also cautious about the way he and Sienna would have their fateful first meeting - after hearing horror stories about people who’ve been rejected by their partner’s children, he didn’t want to blow his first impression.

But Sindy had a plan.

“After school one day, Vanel met me and Sienna outside our front door with her bike - her favourite toy. She was like, “’Hi!” and then went and rode away,” Sindy laughs. “It was important not to force ‘Dad’ on her straight away - we made it fun, and in an open space.”

From Vanel’s perspective, getting in early on Sienna’s good side was a weight off his shoulders:

“I’m glad that Sienna welcomed me with open arms. She allowed us to have this father-daughter relationship, and I’m glad Sienna was open with me. Because, let’s be honest - if Sienna didn’t accept me, I wouldn’t still be around!”

As time has passed, Vanel and Sienna’s relationship has only grown - not only does Sindy give them time together to go shopping and get up to mischief in the kitchen without her, but their level of familiarity has even grown to the extent that Vanel can tell Sienna off when appropriate, without fear of their relationship getting irretrievably damaged.

Now, they’re a family of four, as Sindy gave birth to baby Serena in 2019. Although Serena is technically Vanel’s first-born, he sees all four as a united family all the same.

“When Serena came along, that was a turning point in my life. I realised that I was going to be a father, and I knew I was going to make this family work for us all.

“Serena might be my first biological child, but I’m still going to treat both girls the same - I’d never put anyone first like that. No matter what, we’re a family and we’re all in this together.”

Nearly three years after they decided to combine their lives, Sindy and Vanel are in a happy relationship, and happy as parents, secure in the belief that everything has worked out exactly as it should.

Vanel in particular looks at this journey as a real positive: “Me coming into this family was the best decision I could have made. I needed this to progress in life.”

And to anyone who was in his position and is considering a serious romance with a parent, he’s behind it, all the way:

“Go for it! If you know the love is there, just go for it and you’ll be alright.”

Sindy and Vanel’s top tips for dating with children (or for non-parents dating someone with children)

Have patience - “Things aren’t going to jump into happy families, just like that. Accept that the child needs time to bond with the new adult, and vice versa.”

Get the children involved - “Date night can be for kids too! Go on family walks together, have a paint party - even if you have to be apart for now, you can set up Zoom brunches between your partner and the children. It’s so important that kids know they’re not being left behind, or replaced.”

Build some habits - “As the new adult, you need to reinforce to the child that you’re someone that they can count on, too. No matter what, I’ll drop Sienna to school, or pick her up. I always want to make it a habit and let her know I’m a reliable part of her life.”