³ÉÈËÂÛ̳

How many times have you sat down with a friend to talk about a relationship - theirs, yours, or even another couple’s? Or perhaps you've been bingeing reality TV shows, from the Netflix show Love is Blind, to the ³ÉÈËÂÛ̳ docu-series Couples Therapy, or Channel 4’s Married at First Sight. Many of us find the dynamics of relationships absolutely fascinating.

To discuss why we’re so interested in dating reality TV shows and to find out more, we spoke to Susanna Abse, chair of The British Psychoanalytic Council and former CEO of the charity Tavistock Relationships. Her new book, Tell me the Truth about Love: 13 Tales from the Therapist's Couch, draws on over 30 years of experience providing therapy for couples facing hurdles in their love lives.

She joined Emma Barnett on ³ÉÈËÂÛ̳ Radio 4’s Woman’s Hour to discuss the relationship advice often shared in these programmes. What are the myths and what could we actually do to help our relationships?

“Relationships are central to our lives. They give us the greatest joy and cause us the greatest pain when things go wrong. Every relationship is different and making rules about how people conduct their love lives often isn’t very helpful. But it’s often useful to try and be curious and questioning about our relationships with other people.

“Given this, it’s understandable that people are looking to read and watch content which reflects our own lives and perhaps helps us make sense of things that seem sometimes very hard to make sense of.”

Which storylines do we see play out in reality television shows that may not be particularly helpful in our own love lives?

“The belief that there is only one person for you isn’t empirically proven and is certainly disproved by most people’s experience. However, the idea of a ‘soulmate’ has perhaps more truth in it. It’s not about fate or anything mystical, but rather that people have these strong feelings of being somehow powerfully entwined with another.

“Perhaps both partners have experienced early loss, or both have similar concerns or worries about what being close to someone really means. This feeling of ‘twinship’ is very often present as part of falling in love and maybe it can be one way to give away your heart to someone without it feeling too scary.”

“People develop relationships in different ways. With some people, there's one moment where you see the person and you absolutely fall for them and it's very passionate and romantic. Other people, perhaps because they're generally more cautious, develop a relationship or a friendship over a long period of time. They may get to know each other and take their time to move into a love relationship.

“But I do think that for most people, that sense of falling in love is a very important bonding experience. It can help people get over the hump of getting into a relationship, which can be quite a scary thing to do, to get intimate with somebody, or to commit to somebody. So, the feeling of being in love is part of the bonus against some of the worries that we all have about falling in love.

“But my advice would be that each person is different and each relationship is different. Just because you haven't fallen in love in some sort of magical, passionate way, doesn't mean that the relationship won't develop and grow.”

“Usually this is doomed to fail. Actively trying to change your partner is likely to be met with considerable resistance - though that resistance may be passive rather than overt.

“Nevertheless, close relationships do change us and there are many things that partners can learn from each other in the emotional sphere as well as in the practical aspects of day-to-day life.”

“How lucky you are if that’s the case! Most people find relationships both joyful and hard work. Nearly every long-term partnership goes through tough times and working through these times often deepens a couple’s bonds.”

“If you have a habit of finding yourself in a relationship where you feel uncomfortable, or that you've gone too fast and furious and now you wish you hadn't, perhaps know that for the future, you're somebody who needs to take their time.

“Maybe you have a tendency to go along with things when actually you probably don't want to, so it's about learning about yourself and what you're comfortable with. I don't think there are any hard and fast rules, but definitely don’t allow yourself to feel pressurised to do things you don't want to do.”

“Excitement also has quite a lot of jeopardy in it, doesn't it? If you're very excited and you rush headlong into something, it's also possible that you will rush headlong out of it too. So, excitement is great when you feel like you can bounce back and you can recover quickly.

“But as people get older, they may feel less able to cope with those exciting and passionate comings and goings in relationships that get together and then break up. If you've had a lot of exciting but slightly disappointing relationships, you might feel a little bit more cautious and take things a bit more slowly.

“A good thing to remember is that excitement is great, but pleasure is also really important. And some of those pleasures as you get older, might be a little bit slower and more considered, and not just full of adrenaline and that kind of energy.”

“Sadly, this isn’t usually the case. The planning of a wedding can bring some couples closer but can also be a source of great tension. Getting married won’t save a relationship that’s in trouble.

“And the same with having children. It’s very fulfilling for many people, but all the evidence indicates that it doesn’t help much with relationship satisfaction. Going from being a two to a three introduces lots of complications and babies’ needs often come before the needs of the couple.

“If the relationship is strong and the couple have a way to deal with disappointments and differences, the child rearing years can be wonderful. And more pleasures can also be in store as children begin to leave the nest.”

“If you feel that strongly and you've hit that point in a relationship, you may feel the need to issue an ultimatum. But it's a high stakes game to play, particularly if you're not serious about leaving. But sometimes I suppose you do have to say: ‘Well, there are things that I want and if you don't want them then perhaps this is the time to separate.’

“If you're a woman in her mid-thirties and you really want to have a child and you've got a partner who's dragging their feet, there may be a confrontation with reality that has to be made. Sometimes, yes, that has to happen - painful though it is.

“But I don't think you can keep issuing ultimatums in a relationship. It implies a threat of abandonment and threatening abandonment has a tendency to undermine the relationship quite severely.”

Listen to the full interview with Susanna Abse on ³ÉÈËÂÛ̳ Sounds, where you can also find every episode of Woman’s Hour you may have missed. Follow us on and @bbcwomanshour.