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Less than four in every 1,000 births end in a stillbirth. In twin births, this rises to around seven in every 1,000 births, and this doesn't take into account the babies that suffer a neonatal death. However, it’s still an area shrouded in secrecy that many refuse to talk about. With several high-profile cases highlighted in recent years, parents are being given a voice to speak out.

Grief is different for everybody and there is no right or wrong way to grieve the passing of a baby. For ³ÉÈËÂÛ̳ presenter Krupa Padhy, nine years have passed since her little girl Ellora died shortly after her birth.

To help people understand how to support parents dealing with the loss of a baby, Krupa spoke to Clea Harmer, the CEO of Sands, the stillbirth and neonatal death charity, and Katie Harris, who has also experienced the loss of a baby first hand.

“I was pregnant with identical twin girls and I lost my daughter Abikara at 24 weeks. It was quite a unique and isolating experience because my pregnancy continued to 36 weeks until Karael was ready to be born. So, I had experienced this loss, but I wasn't able to grieve properly. I was very focused on getting through to the end of the pregnancy.

“It was a really difficult time to navigate through. At the beginning, I just found myself frantically Googling and trying to find places to find support. When I did give birth, it was almost as if I had just given birth to a single baby and that it hadn't really happened. For me, it was really important for people to acknowledge Abikara and acknowledge the fact that I had given birth to twins.”

Clea Harmer and Katie Harris both shared their best advice on how to sensitively approach those dealing with baby loss, and particularly the loss of a twin.

“Sadly, many parents say how isolated they feel after the death of a baby,” says Clea. “People don't talk about it. It feels as if nobody else has gone through the pain and devastation they are feeling.

“But remember you are not alone if your baby has died. You don't have to do this on your own. Organisations like Sands are here to support you. Everyone’s grief is different and will also change over time, so there are lots of ways to be supported and for you to find what feels best for you.”

“Memories are such an important part of grieving for a lost loved one, yet often there are very few or no memories when a baby dies,” says Clea. “Let the parents take the time they need to make those memories. Sometimes it helps if they’re able to take photos and spend time holding the baby. Or sometimes it’s about keeping special keepsakes that remind them of a time during the pregnancy.

“Finding ways to feel connected to the baby can help, and so can adding to those memories over time to create an enduring bond or connection. This could be doing an activity in their memory on their birthday or planting trees and watching them grow."

“If you know someone whose baby has died it can be hard to find the right words to say, and this can add to their feelings of isolation,” says Clea. “Simply saying how sorry you are can really help.

“It is so important to ask about the baby and to use the baby’s name, if you can. For instance, “I’m so sorry to hear about [baby’s name], would you like to tell me about them?” or “I’m so sorry to hear about your baby, what did you call her/him?”

“Talk to your loved one about their baby,” says Katie. “Ask them their name, how much they weighed when they were born, what clothes they’ve clothed them in. You can even ask if they would like to share pictures with you, in the same way you would do when a live baby is born.”

“Grieving for a baby is not straightforward and there will be good days and bad days,” says Katie. “Don't expect your loved one to ‘get over it’ after the birth. Be patient with them.

“If they have a surviving twin, understand that this will add a complex layer as they will be celebrating the arrival of the new baby as well as grieving for their twin. Don't feel guilty for feeling sad.”

“If the baby loss is a twin, try not to only focus on the surviving twin,” says Katie. “My midwives were excellent at always speaking about Abikara as well. When they came to do their checks, they would always mention her and asked if I'd been to see her at the hospital.

“It made such a difference just acknowledging that I did have another baby, that was still very much a part of my life.”

“When someone’s baby has died it can help when people find ways to show they care and understand,” says Clea. “But don’t ever try to diminish the grief and pain as a way of ‘fixing’ what has happened.

“You can’t fix it; you can only be with them in their pain. I think particularly when a twin dies, people often say things like ‘at least you have another child’, “at least you know you can get pregnant” or ‘at least you are fit and healthy’ – if you find yourself starting a sentence ‘at least …’ stop straight away.”

“Try not to come out with phrases such as ‘stay positive’ or ‘everything happens for a reason’,” says Katie. “This can feel dismissive to the person who is grieving.”

“If someone’s baby has died, let them know you are thinking about them,” says Clea. “A simple text, card or email goes a long way, or you might want to call them and ask how they are.

“It’s OK to ask, ‘how are you?’. The death of a baby is the start of a lifetime journey that the parents and family are now on, so you could also think about sending a card at the time of anniversaries.”

“Parents can ask the hospital what support they can offer,” says Katie. “Ask the medical professionals as many questions as you need to ask to feel that you understand everything that has happened and will happen.

“You can also reach out to organisations such as Twins Trust Bereavement, SANDS, Mosaic, etc. They can all help to guide parents through their grieving journey and help them to feel less alone.”

Listen to the full interview with Krupa Padhy on ³ÉÈËÂÛ̳ Sounds, where you can also catch any other episodes you may have missed. Follow us and join the conversation on or @bbcwomanshour.

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