成人论坛

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2.4 鈥� SPACEMAN

by Karissa Hamilton-Baines

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FX: 成人论坛 Sounds Sting

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ANNO听听听听听听听听听听听听听听听听听 Doctor Who: Redacted, Episode Four. Spaceman by Karissa Hamilton-Baines.

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SCENE 4.1 鈥� EXT. LONDON UNDERGROUND

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[ REPRISE ]

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HONOUR:听听听听听听听听听 鈥�He鈥檚 a thief. Not just any ordinary thief either. A master thief of rare artworks and antiquities... and he鈥檚 promised to steal me a TARDIS.

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FX 鈥� a scuffle. Honour cries out.

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APEX听听听听听听听听听听听听听听听听 (EFFORT) I鈥檒l take that. HONOUR听 Stop! Drone, kill him!

APEX听听听听听听听听听听听听听听听听 Cleo, I鈥檝e got the serum, hold on to me.

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CLEO听听听听听听听听听听听听听听听听 What? Why?...

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FX:听听听听 He grabs her.

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CLEO听听听听听听听听听听听听听听听听 Hey!

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HONOUR听听听听听听听听听听 Don鈥檛 you dare!

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FX:听听听听 Sounds of a teleporter as Apex gets them out of there.

SCENE 4.2 鈥� INT. APEX鈥橲 SHIP

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FX: Sounds of a teleporter, then silence. We鈥檙e in a cavernous space, save for the subtle whirr of machinery.

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CLEO听听听听听听听听听听听听听听听听 What was that? Where are we? What just happened? How...?

Why鈥�? Have we teleported? Did I just teleport? What the hell?!

APEX听听听听听听听听听听听听听听听听 Yes, sorry I couldn鈥檛 give you more of a warning. I had to get the serum off her鈥�

FX 鈥� we hear a hiss as he administers the anti-trion serum.

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APEX听听听听听听听听听听听听听听听听 There. That ought to kick in right away. [BEAT] Cleo? Are you OK?

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CLEO听听听听听听听听听听听听听听听听 I am so not OK. [BEAT] Who are you, really?

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APEX听听听听听听听听听听听听听听听听 My name is Apex Costa. Most of what I鈥檝e told you is the truth.

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CLEO听听听听听听听听听听听听听听听听 Er most? She said you was a thief! You鈥檝e spent all day lying to me and now you鈥檝e transported me to god knows where and I鈥檓 starting to realise I鈥檝e only known you for a day and I鈥檓 about to become a true crime podcast!

(Beat) Hold on.

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FX:听听听听 Cleo walks around, her shoes echo on the metal floor.

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CLEO听听听听听听听听听听听听听听听听 This is a鈥� Am I on a..?

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APEX听听听听听听听听听听听听听听听听 You鈥檙e in my ship鈥� ICBA Model 9 Class 756. CLEO Catchy name.

APEX听听听听听听听听听听听听听听听听 I didn鈥檛 get to name it.

CLEO听听听听听听听听听听听听听听听听 Do these, window grate things, do they open? APEX听听听听 You bet they do.

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FX:听听听听 He presses a button and there鈥檚 a creaky but loud whirr as the spectacle of space is revealed to Cleo.

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CLEO听听听听听听听听听听听听听听听听 OH. MY. GOD. (WONDER) I鈥檓 in space. Actual space. I am in SPACE. This is insane. I鈥檓 literally hovering above the Earth. I need to sit down, my legs feel weird.

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She takes it in.

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CLEO听听听听听听听听听听听听听听听听 It鈥檚 [BEAT] beautiful. It鈥檚 almost like we haven鈥檛 completely ruined it.

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APEX听听听听听听听听听听听听听听听听 (SOFT) Everything is beautiful out here.

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CLEO听听听听听听听听听听听听听听听听 You lied to me. [BEAT] I can鈥檛 believe I fell for a nice smile. APEX You think I have a nice smile?

CLEO听听听听听听听听听听听听听听听听 Enough! No more flirting!

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APEX听听听听听听听听听听听听听听听听 Am I flirting?

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CLEO听听听听听听听听听听听听听听听听 So help me, god. Tell me the truth right now or I swear I鈥檒l put my size nines right through that window and blast us both into space.

SCENE 4.3 鈥� INT/EXT. APEX MONTAGE

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FX:听听听听 We hear music, but unlike the intro previously (Ep 2.2) this is more Oceans 11.

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APEX听听听听听听听听听听听听听听听听 Welcome to the life of an ICBA reject. I wasn鈥檛 lying about my father and my father鈥檚 father. I was expected to wake up every morning and go to the same tedious civil service job they do every day, do the same thing over and over and over until eventually I turn to dust. I said no thanks to that mess and went my own way.

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FX:听听听听 Sounds of glasses clinking, people mingling.

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APEX听听听听听听听听听听听听听听听听 I wanted the high life, but that life isn鈥檛 cheap. Especially when your prissy, miserable family cut you off for skipping out on the family business. So, I had to make money, I tried gambling鈥�

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FX:听听听听 Sounds of a crowd, people betting.

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COMMENTATOR听听听听听 鈥�.And in the red corner Bildermerge the Magnificent up against Hostile 17, favourite to win and Bildermerge comes in with the flobule attack.

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FX:听听听听 A glutinous sound and a yelp. We hear the crowd鈥檚 disappointment.

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COMMENTATOR听听听听听 That鈥檚 all folks! Bildermerge the Magnificent wins. Hope no one bet on the other guy.

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APEX听听听听听听听听听听听听听听听听 Wasn鈥檛 so great at that. So I tried trading Omega Credits but for some reason every 100 credits I spent I only got 95 back.

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CLEO听听听听听听听听听听听听听听听听 Sounds like someone got into Bitcoin.

APEX听听听听听听听听听听听听听听听听 No, no Omega Credits is imaginary money. CLEO听听听听 Right, completely different.

APEX听听听听听听听听听听听听听听听听 I was a failure. A broke failure.

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CLEO听听听听听听听听听听听听听听听听 What about all those alien refugees? Did you lie about saving them.

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APEX听听听听听听听听听听听听听听听听 No. I didn鈥檛 lie about that. My family are experts in Rare Life Forms. And I used my knowledge to find them and relocate them to the Underground on this ship. I鈥檓 not a total slime.

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CLEO听听听听听听听听听听听听听听听听 So you relocated them for free?

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APEX听听听听听听听听听听听听听听听听 Er well鈥�

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CLEO听听听听听听听听听听听听听听听听 Right.

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APEX听听听听听听听听听听听听听听听听 Just covering expenses. I swear.

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CLEO听听听听听听听听听听听听听听听听 Sure. And so you gave the landlord a captive market where she could drive the rents sky high, right?

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APEX听听听听听听听听听听听听听听听听 Cleo鈥�

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CLEO听听听听听听听听听听听听听听听听 Oh. My. God. You鈥檙e a people trafficker.

SCENE 4.4 鈥揈XT. SINGH鈥橲 CASH AND CARRY

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FX听听听听听听听听听听听听听听听听听听听听听 Sounds of traffic as Abby and Shawna walk through the streets.

CLEO VOICEMAIL听听听 Hi, this is Cleo, don鈥檛 leave me a message, it鈥檚 2023. ABBY听听听听听听听 She鈥檚 still not picking up. I鈥檒l just text her (muttering) we鈥檙e at

Singh鈥檚 Cash and Carry. Call鈥� me鈥� when鈥� you鈥� get鈥�this.

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SHAWNA听听听听听听听听听听 Why do you do that?

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ABBY听听听听听听听听听听听听听听听听 So Cleo knows where we are鈥�

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SHAWNA听听听听听听听听听听 I鈥檓 telling you, she鈥檚 ghosting us. She鈥檚 miffed about the convention.

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ABBY听听听听听听听听听听听听听听听听 Anyway. Done. Shall we get started?

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FX听听听听听听听听听听听听听听听听听听听听 Abby starts recording the podcast.

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SHAWNA听听听听听听听听听听 Hey there Blue Boxers, we鈥檙e recording this Blue Box File on location. The Glamorous鈥�.

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ABBY听听听听听听听听听听听听听听听听 Mr Singh鈥檚 Cash And Carry on Oxford Street. SHAWNA听听听听 Oxford Street, Glasgow.

ABBY听听听听听听听听听听听听听听听听 Because, earlier tonight we found Torchwood. The biggest depository of Alien Stuff in existence.

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SHANWA听听听听听听听听听听 And it鈥檚 been cleared out. There鈥檚 a thief looking for alien

artefacts 鈥� and we wondered if Torchwood are the only victims in the area.

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ABBY听听听听听听听听听听听听听听听听听 So. A few months ago Rani Chandra did an episode on her podcast 鈥�

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SHAWNA听听听听听听听听听听 Competition is healthy. We lift each other up. Shine theory.

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ABBY听听听听听听听听听听听听听听听听 Rani did an episode about the Alien Black Market. And one of the places she mentioned was Mr Singh鈥檚.

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SHAWNA听听听听听听听听听听 So, have they had a recent break in? Turns out, yesterday.

Taped to the window 鈥� A Reward Offered poster with a terrible screengrab from CCTV. Is that our thief?

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ABBY听听听听听听听听听听听听听听听听 We鈥檙e going to find out.

SCENE 4.5 INT. CASH AND CARRY.

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FX: Doors swoosh open. SOFT MUSAK 鈥� CHECKOUT BEEP. They walk through the aisles.

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SHAWNA听听听听听听听听听听 Maybe we鈥檝e got the wrong address. It鈥檚 just rows and rows of cat food.

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FX: Picking something up.

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SHAWNA听听听听听听听听听听 This one says Aroma of Mushroom. What does that even mean? Do cats eat mushrooms?

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ABBY听听听听听听听听听听听听听听听听 Yes, let鈥檚 give up before we鈥檝e actually had a proper look. If someone is dealing in alien goods here, do you think they鈥檇 put out a sign? We鈥檒l go row by row systematically until we find some sort of clue. There has to be something here.

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SHAWNA听听听听听听听听听听 Or we can just ask someone. Excuse me sir?

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FX: As a shop worker pushes a trolley past.

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ABBY听听听听听听听听听听听听听听听听 Shawna!

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SHAWNA听听听听听听听听听听 (CALLING OUT) Excuse me! Can I speak to someone about the robbery?

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She holds out her phone.

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SHOP WORKER听听听听听听 Seafood is on aisle six miss.

SHAWNA听听听听听听听听听听 (CONFUSED) No I鈥檓 asking about the break-in you鈥檝e had. SHOP WORKER听听听听听听听听听听听听听听听听听 Seafood is on aisle six miss. Excuse me.

FX: The shop worker distressed, pushes the trolley on.

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SHAWNA听听听听听听听听听听 Did that make any sense to you?

ABBY听听听听听听听听听听听听听听听听 It was a code. What we鈥檙e looking for is on aisle six. SHAWNA听听 What does seafood have to do with it?

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FX: They walk over to aisle six. The other customers that were there before have all gone. Abby and Shawna are alone. In fact the space seems bigger now. There鈥檚 a slight echo to Abby and Shawna鈥檚 voices.

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ABBY听听听听听听听听听听听听听听听听 The energy just changed in here. SHAWNA听听 Yeah, it鈥檚 all got a bit Ghost Hunters. ABBY听听 This is aisle six.

SHAWNA听听听听听听听听听听 (freaked out) All of a sudden, I really don鈥檛 want to go down there.

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ABBY听听听听听听听听听听听听听听听听 (also freaked out) I thought it was just me.

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SHAWNA听听听听听听听听听听 (unconvincingly) Seriously what鈥檚 the big whoop, it鈥檚 just another aisle of cat food鈥� wait cat food again?

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ABBY听听听听听听听听听听听听听听听听 It鈥檚 the same aisle as the entrance.

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SHAWNA听听听听听听听听听听 Can鈥檛 be.

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ABBY听听听听听听听听听听听听听听听听 Do you have to disagree with everything I say.

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SHAWNA听听听听听听听听听听 I鈥檓 not disagreeing I鈥檓 just expressing disbelief. Not everything is ominous. It鈥檚 the dishwasher all over again.

FX: They start walking down the spooky aisle.

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ABBY听听听听听听听听听听听听听听听听 You can鈥檛 just put things anywhere you want in there. They have the sections and compartments for a reason.

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SHAWNA听听听听听听听听听听 It all gets washed at the same time anyway!

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ABBY听听听听听听听听听听听听听听听听 Okay once again, if you put plastic stuff at the bottom of the dishwasher the heat causes chemicals to come from it that are harmful. You might not notice it now but if you suddenly get cancer cause you couldn鈥檛 be bothered to lift your arm ten centimetres鈥�

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FX: Shawna鈥檚 not listening. While Abby鈥檚 holding forth, there鈥檚 a soft buzzing sound far away.

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SHAWNA听听听听听听听听听听听 (INTERRUPTING) Do you see that鈥�? There was a guy standing there, he reached up to grab a tin of cat food and then he just vanished.

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ABBY听听听听听听听听听听听听听听听听 What man? There鈥檚 no one there.

SCENE 4.6 鈥� INT. APEX鈥橲 SHIP

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CLEO听听听听听听听听听听听听听听听听 Apex, you grabbed a load of alien refugees, charged them a fortune to lug them through space on this crate then dumped them into the hands of a slum landlord.

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APEX听听听听听听听听听听听听听听听听 Put it like that it sounds bad.

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CLEO听听听听听听听听听听听听听听听听 How would you put it?

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APEX听听听听听听听听听听听听听听听听 I needed funds to get the ship. That鈥檚 how I came across Honour. She loaned me the money, offered to help, seemed really interested in the set-up of the London Underground-

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CLEO听听听听听听听听听听听听听听听听 - and muscled in, took it over, and milked it for all it was worth.

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APEX听听听听听听听听听听听听听听听听 I thought I was doing good. And, you know, settling my debts.

But it turned out the refugees couldn鈥檛 make the rent and I鈥檇 signed a bit of paper saying I was technically responsible-

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CLEO听听听听听听听听听听听听听听听听 Technically.

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APEX听听听听听听听听听听听听听听听听 Honour鈥檚 a collector. So, in order to clear my debts to her鈥�. I told her that I could get her a TARDIS.

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CLEO听听听听听听听听听听听听听听听听 Why would she believe you?

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APEX听听听听听听听听听听听听听听听听 I had an advantage. Remember my family? Who I鈥檓 a great disappointment to? They look after Rare Species 鈥� but they specialise in Time Lords. I figured how hard could it be? The Time Lords wouldn鈥檛 miss a TARDIS.

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CLEO听听听听听听听听听听听听听听听听 Wait. The Doctor鈥檚 the Last of the Time Lords.

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APEX听听听听听听听听听听听听听听听听 Yeah. That鈥檚 a problem. I didn鈥檛 realise the Time Lords had all gone. I tried offering her something else-

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CLEO听听听听听听听听听听听听听听听听 But when she realised there was only one TARDIS left, she only wanted it more. You idiot.

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APEX听听听听听听听听听听听听听听听听 Yeahhhh.

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CLEO听听听听听听听听听听听听听听听听 All this time, you were using me, hoping the Doctor would show up.

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APEX听听听听听听听听听听听听听听听听 It鈥檚 not like that.

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CLEO听听听听听听听听听听听听听听听 Do you even 鈥� like [me], you know what鈥� of course you don鈥檛.

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APEX听听听听听听听听听听听听听听听听 What?

CLEO听听听听听听听听听听听听听听听听 Never mind. Nothing.

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APEX听听听听听听听听听听听听听听听听 I鈥檓 really sorry I dragged you into this. But I am glad I met you, Cleo. Really. As in. I do like you.

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CLEO听听听听听听听听听听听听听听听听 Fine. (DECIDES) How are we going to clear up your mess? APEX听听听 We?

CLEO听听听听听听听听听听听听听听听听 We. If we go back to Earth, Honour鈥檚 drones will find us鈥� APEX听听 and kill us yeah.

CLEO听听听听听听听听听听听听听听听听 So how do we stop her?

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APEX听听听听听听听听听听听听听听听听 We鈥檝e only really got two options really.

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CLEO听听听听听听听听听听听听听听听听 Well what鈥檚 the first?

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APEX听听听听听听听听听听听听听听听听 We run. Together. Anywhere. We鈥檝e got the whole universe to play with.

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Cleo chuckles, she starts laughing.

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APEX听听听听听听听听听听听听听听听听 What鈥檚 so funny?

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CLEO听听听听听听听听听听听听听听听听 Last year those words were all I wanted to hear. APEX听听听听听听听 So let鈥檚 go!

CLEO听听听听听听听听听听听听听听听听 Massive adventures in space and time. But the Doctor didn鈥檛 ask me.

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APEX听听听听听听听听听听听听听听听听 The Doctor鈥檚 loss. You鈥檙e smart, you鈥檙e funny, you can handle yourself in a fight. Let鈥檚 just go.

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CLEO听听听听听听听听听听听听听听听听 [SARCASM] Yeah, sure thing, let鈥檚 chart strange new worlds.

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APEX听听听听听听听听听听听听听听听听 I鈥檓 not joking. The ICBA Model 9 Class 756 has seen better days but I鈥檓 pretty sure she鈥檒l limp us to a service station.

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CLEO听听听听听听听听听听听听听听听听 Please, can we give it a better name?

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APEX听听听听听听听听听听听听听听听听 What would you name it?

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CLEO听听听听听听听听听听听听听听听听 The鈥�Lily Savage

听

听

APEX听听听听听听 听听听听听听听听听 Does that mean you鈥檙e coming with me?.

FX: Cleo walks over to the window.

听

CLEO听听听听听听听听听听听听听听听听 Earth looks so quiet from up here. It鈥檚 my home.

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听

APEX听听听听听听听听听听听听听听听听 Is it? Fly away with me. What do you have to stay for, really?

SCENE 4.7 鈥� INT. SINGHS鈥� CASH & CARRY 鈥� THE WEIRD AISLE

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FX:听听听听听听听听听听听听听听听听听听听 Footsteps as Abby and Shawna walk up and down the aisle.

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听

SHAWNA听听听听听听听听听听 I鈥檓 serious. I saw a man, reaching for a tin of cat food and then pooft鈥� gone.

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ABBY听听听听听听听听听听听听听听听听 Where did you see him?

听

听

SHAWNA听听听听听听听听听听 Round about here. [BEAT] And was he reaching up like thi鈥�

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FX:听听听听听听听听听听听听听听听听听听听 Shawna is suddenly cut off.

听

听

ABBY听听听听听听听听听听听听听听听听 Shawna? (urgently) Where did you go? Shawna!

听

Silence鈥� Shawna has disappeared.

SCENE 4.8 鈥� INT. APEX鈥橲 SHIP

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Cleo and Apex still on the spaceship. Apex working away with instruments. Bloop!

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APEX听听听听听听听听听听听听听听听听 There. Mended your phone.

听

CLEO听听听听听听听听听听听听听听听听 (TAKING IT) Ok, thank you?

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APEX听听听听听听听听听听听听听听听听 You seemed lost without it. Your friends will be worried.

We have good reception in orbit.

听

听

CLEO听听听听听听听听听听听听听听听听 OK, this is purely hypothetical. If we did a runner at Warp Factor 10. Where are we going first?

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APEX听听听听听听听听听听听听听听听听 A pal of mine runs a table on the edge of a black hole, he can read minds, but he鈥檚 never met someone from Sol 3, bet we could win some major coin.

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CLEO听听听听听听听听听听听听听听听听 Now you sound super sketch鈥� again.

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听

APEX听听听听听听听听听听听听听听听听 Got it. No gambling.

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听

CLEO听听听听听听听听听听听听听听听听 This is nuts. Hold on.

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听

听

FX听听听听听听听听听听听听听听听听听听听听 She opens camera on her phone.

听

听

APEX听听听听听听听听听听听听听听听听 What are you doing?

CLEO听听听听听听听听听听听听听听听听 Taking a selfie on a spaceship. Smile. Not like that. APEX听听听 (FORCED GRIN) Like this?

CLEO听听听听听听听听听听听听听听听听 Better.

听

听

APEX听听听听听听听听听听听听听听听听 (STILL GURNING) What鈥檚 a selfie?

听

听

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FX听听听听听听听听听听听听听听听听听听听听 Shutter Click. Tap tap.

听

听

CLEO听听听听听听听听听听听听听听听听 Well, my friend, the purpose is twofold. One: Abby and Shawna are gonna be jealous and two, it鈥檚 a way to make sure I don鈥檛 come to any harm in your presence. Trans dating 101.

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APEX听听听听听听听听听听听听听听听听 Wow. OK. That鈥檚, that鈥檚 bleak.

听

听

CLEO听听听听听听听听听听听听听听听听 Babe you have no idea. Oh my god I have four bars, I never have four bars. Abby and Shawna are gonna lose their minds鈥�

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FX听听听听听听听听听听听听听听听听听听听听 Woop 鈥� message send.

听

听

APEX听听听听听听听听听听听听听听听听 We can鈥檛 go back.

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CLEO听听听听听听听听听听听听听听听听 Not ever?

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APEX听听听听听听听听听听听听听听听听 That鈥檚 the point of running away.

听

听

CLEO听听听听听听听听听听听听听听听听 (ALMOST TO HERSELF)

Running away is not going to fix anything.

听

听

APEX听听听听听听听听听听听听听听听听 It鈥檒l keep us alive.

CLEO听听听听听听听听听听听听听听听听 For how long? They鈥檒l still be there when you get back and even if you never go back, they鈥檙e still there. There was a time when running away was all I wanted to do. It still is a bit.

That鈥檚 why it鈥檚 bloody killing me to say this but鈥� We can鈥檛 run. Yeah, home sucks a lot of the time but it鈥檚 mine. So many good things happened there. Abby and Shawna, Jordan 鈥� The Doctor. I鈥檓 even getting on with my mum again. I know what it鈥檚 like to be alone and to lose the people you love.

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APEX听听听听听听听听听听听听听听听听 If I stay, Honour will find me.

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听

CLEO听听听听听听听听听听听听听听听听 My mum had a guy threaten to break her legs over a debt once. So, she did their accounting for free until the debt was paid. There鈥檚 a solution to everything.

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APEX听听听听听听听听听听听听听听听听 Sounds like your mum just joined a gang.

听

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CLEO听听听听听听听听听听听听听听听听 Uh鈥� Well she still faced her problems head on. I鈥檓 not gonna run away because some TERFy drama teacher can鈥檛 see past her own prejudice or cause every guy I date is a cretin or a creep. I鈥檓 not letting life just happen to me. Ever again.

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APEX听听听听听听听听听听听听听听听听 Is this still about me?

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CLEO听听听听听听听听听听听听听听听听 鈥�Mostly? You need to go deal with Honour. What was option number two?

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APEX听听听听听听听听听听听听听听听听 Option Two is we get Honour a TARDIS.

SCENE 4.9 鈥� INT. OUTSIDE SINGH鈥橲 OFFICE

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FX:听听听听听听听听听听听听听听听听听听听 With a yelp Shawna appears in a long corridor. A woman sits at a desk nearby typing.

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SHAWNA听听听听听听听听听听 (CRIES OUT)

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RECEPTIONIST Hello. Can I help you? SHAWNA What is this place?

RECEPTIONIST Do you have an appointment? SHAWNA听听听听 An 鈥�

RECEPTIONIST An appointment. To see Mr Singh. SHAWNA听听听听听听听听听听 Yes. Yes I do. I鈥檓 here about your break in. RECEPTIONIST You must be from the podcast?

SHAWNA听听听听听听听听听听 Yeah, how did you鈥�? RECEPTIONSIT Ms Chandra?

SHAWNA听听听听听听听听听听 Ah, yeah, that鈥檚 right. I鈥檓 Rani Chandra.

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FX听听听听听听听听听听听听听听听听听听听听 Keyboard taps. Lanyard handed over.

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听

RECEPTIONIST Please take a seat. Mr Singh will be with you shortly.

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FX:听听听听听听听听听听听听听听听听听听听 There鈥檚 a shout as if coming from a tunnel and Abby too appears.

ABBY听听听听听听听听听听听听听听听听 (YELP)

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听

SHAWNA听听听听听听听听听听 Abby!

听

听

ABBY听听听听听听听听听听听听听听听听 Shawna?! Thank god! You disappeared. I was so scared. RECEPTIONIST Please take a seat鈥�

SHAWNA听听听听听听听听听听 (IN) Mr Singh will be with us shortly. Got it.

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FX:听听听听听听听听听听听听听听听听听听听 Abby and Shawna sit. The receptionist keeps typing.

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SHAWNA听听听听听听听听听听 What just happened?

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ABBY听听听听听听听听听听听听听听听听 I think that aisle must have been some sort of portal.

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SHAWNA听听听听听听听听听听 This is definitely the type of place that would have alien artefacts go missing.

FX:听听听听听听听听听听听听听听听听听听听 Shawna鈥檚 phone pings. She checks it.

听

听

SHAWNA听听听听听听听听听听 And now Cleo texts us back. Look at this.

听

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ABBY听听听听听听听听听听听听听听听听 Wait. Is she with a guy? Wait. Is she in space? I have so many questions. So many not jealous questions.

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SHAWNA听听听听听听听听听听 Well. We鈥檙e in - an interdimensional office. Can I make that look cool?

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FX听听听听听听听听听听听听听听听听听听听听 Phone shuffling

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听

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RECEPTIONIST No pictures please. However, Mr Singh is happy to do an

interview for your podcast.

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ABBY听听听听听听听听听听听听听听听听 He is? That鈥檚 great.

听

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RECEPTIONIST Yes. He鈥檚 a big fan of the famous Rani Chandra. ABBY听 What?

SHAWNA听听听听听听听听听听听 (HISSES) Just go with it. RECEPTIONIST Mr Singh will see you now.

SCENE 4.10 鈥� INT. APEX鈥橲 SHIP

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Cleo and Apex are on the ship.

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APEX听听听听听听听听听听听听听听听听 If we give Honour the TARDIS, she won鈥檛 be after us anymore.

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CLEO听听听听听听听听听听听听听听听听 Well, you aren鈥檛 getting that, so move on.

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APEX听听听听听听听听听听听听听听听听 I can鈥檛! The people in the Underground. There鈥檚 people there

鈥�people I care about, and they鈥檒l get hurt. She will hurt them.

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听

CLEO听听听听听听听听听听听听听听听听 Oh now you care? I thought this was about your Daddy Issues?

听

APEX听听听听听听听听听听听听听听听听 It can鈥檛 be more than one thing? Where I come from we ignore, people in need, people in trouble. They鈥檙e statistics.

We collate their information, and we move on. Their suffering is a digit in a quantum isotopic computer system. I couldn鈥檛 sit back and just watch and collect data. People were dying, they were hungry and, with Honour鈥檚 money, I had the resources to help them.

听

Cleo鈥檚 starting to suspect something.

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CLEO听听听听听听听听听听听听听听听听 You really care about those refugees.

听

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APEX听听听听听听听听听听听听听听听听 (SULLEN) Little bit. (SMILES) You鈥檙e right 鈥� running way isn鈥檛 going to solve anything.

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CLEO听听听听听听听听听听听听听听听听 OK [CONSIDERS].

You鈥檙e Robin Hood.

听

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APEX听听听听听听听听听听听听听听听听 The sexy fox?

Cleo laughs, charmed, in spite of herself.

听

CLEO

And you pretended not to get my pop culture references.

APEX

I still don鈥檛 know who Gareth Gates is.

CLEO

We鈥檙e not giving Honour the TARDIS. But I could try and call the Doctor again. Maybe there鈥檚 another solution?

APEX

You鈥檇 do that?

CLEO

You鈥檙e trying to help people, right?

APEX

If you call the Doctor, maybe we can get Honour off our back.

CLEO

We鈥檒l need all the help we can get. I need my friends.

SCENE 4.11 - INT. SINGH鈥橲 OFFICE

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Abby and Shawna are led into an office. There鈥檚 the gentle sound of a fish tank and what could be gentle Deep Forest style music underlying the scene.

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MR SINGH听听听听听听听听 Please. Sit, sit.

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ABBY听听听听听听听听听听听听听听听听 Mr Singh? We鈥檙e here鈥�

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MR SINGH听听听听听听听听 Because of my robbery. I know鈥� SHAWNA听听听听听听听听听听 We haven鈥檛 found your thief, not yet, but鈥�

MR SINGH听听听听听听听听 But you鈥檙e here to help me! Ladies, I have been an avid listener of your podcast since it started. Never missed an episode. Now, which one of you is Rani Chandra?

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ABBY听听听听听听听听听听听听听听听听 (THROWN) Uh.

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SHAWNA听听听听听听听听听听 Neither of us are Rani.

ABBY听听听听听听听听听听听听听听听听 But she sent us! She鈥檚 a very busy woman, obviously. SHAWNA Making all that sponcon. Collecting all those awards. ABBY听听听 We are producers on the show. We collect interviews when

Rani is busy. B Roll, that kind of stuff.

听

听

MR SINGH听听听听听听听听 But this is very important. The Earth is in a lot of danger. A shame she could not come herself. But I was very pleased to feature in her leading podcast and am even happier that her assistants-

听

ABBY & SHAWNA (REACT)

MR SINGH听听听听听听听听 - are helping me to clear up my robbery. I knew she鈥檇 cover it.

That鈥檚 what the historical records show.

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听

SHAWNA听听听听听听听听听听 Sorry?

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MR SINGH听听听听听听听听 We will come to that. Shall we get started?

听

Abby starts recording.

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ABBY听听听听听听听听听听听听听听听听 We鈥檙e now here with Mr Singh, of Singh鈥檚 Cash & Carry, who, it seems, was expecting us. So Mr. Singh鈥�

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SHAWNA听听听听听听听听听听 First question鈥�

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MR SINGH听听听听听听听听 How did you get here? The Cash and Carry in Glasgow is just one portal to my retail dimension.

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ABBY听听听听听听听听听听听听听听听听 Retail-

听

听

MR SINGH听听听听听听听听 Real estate prices are only going to get worse. The door is concealed behind an image of an ordinary aisle. This is to stop normal customers from accidently wandering in. You can only get here if you鈥檙e trying to get here. To the foremost emporium of alien goods on the black market.

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ABBY听听听听听听听听听听听听听听听听 Are you -

听

听

MR SINGH听听听听听听听听 An alien? I鈥檓 as human as they come. ABBY听听听听听听 But you seem to know a lot about alien stuff

MR SINGH听听听听听听听听 Artefacts. I鈥檓 not from your time. I come from an Earth thousands of years in the future. It鈥檚 a nice little earner: stuff from now is worth a mint in the future, and stuff from then is very helpful for a certain type of person now. You get me? My shop is a place for those people, to come鈥� and sell me their goods for a fair price.

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ABBY听听听听听听听听听听听听听听听听 You鈥檙e a pawnbroker?

听

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MR SINGH听听听听听听听听 I sell them their items back for a slightly higher鈥� but equally fair price. It鈥檚 a service. I鈥檝e kept the London Underground going 鈥�

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SHAWNA听听听听听听听听听听 The鈥�

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MR SINGH听听听听听听听听听听听听听听听听听听听听听听听听听 You鈥檒l find out. SHAWNA听听听听听听听听听听听听听听听听听听听听听听听听听 Oh.

MR SINGH听听听听听听听听 The problem is the thief has cleaned me out. Everything gone.

Bad for business. Very dangerous. It鈥檚 why you are here. ABBY听听 If you鈥檙e from the future, why can鈥檛 you just find the thief?

MR SINGH听听听听听听听听 To be honest only a few records of your time are left. Most got [MUMBLES] destroyed.

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SHAWNA听听听听听听听听听听 What? When?

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MR SINGH听听听听听听听听 No need to worry about it, love, you鈥檒l be long dead before any of that happens.

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SHAWNA听听听听听听听听听听 WHAT?!

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MR SINGH听听听听听听听听 In happier news, you are here! Because I know you will find the thief for me.

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ABBY听听听听听听听听听听听听听听听听 You do?

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MR SINGH听听听听听听听听 The details are hazy, but you will. This thief has got to be stopped. It鈥檚 not just me, you see. Everyone I know has been raided. Some really dangerous artefacts have been stolen.

Enough to start an interstellar war.

听

听

SHAWNA听听听听听听听听听听 But how do we stop them?

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听

MR SINGH听听听听听听听听 I can鈥檛 tell you that. But I can say that you will break hearts.

The interview is over, Ms Thompson, Ms McPhail.

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听

SHAWNA听听听听听听听听听听 (SURPRISED HE KNOWS THEIR NAMES) Wait-what?

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MR SINGH听听听听听听听听 You鈥檒l be needing the door on the left. It鈥檚 the London exit. ABBY听听 The London exit? What? How?

MR SINGH听听听听听听听听 Make things right with your friend. She needs you.

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ABBY听听听听听听听听听听听听听听听听 Before we go have you got a better print out of that CCTV image? The face is just a blur.

听

MR SINGH听听听听听听听听 Primitive technology. I have since cleaned it up a little. Here. I think it will tell you all you need to know.

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FX听听听听听听听听听听听听听听听听听听听听 He slides a photo along the desk.

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ABBY听听听听听听听听听听听听听听听听 Shawna 鈥� look at this. The Thief鈥�

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SHAWNA听听听听听听听听听听 Oh my god.

SCENE 4.12 鈥� EXT. CLEO鈥橲 FLAT

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FX:听听听听听听听听听听听听听听听听听听听 Sounds of a teleporter as Cleo and Apex arrive outside Cleo鈥檚 flat.

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听

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APEX听听听听听听听听听听听听听听听听 Here we are.

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听

CLEO听听听听听听听听听听听听听听听听 Home Sweet Home. ABBY/SHAWNA [FROM AFAR] Cleo!?

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FX:听听听听听听听听听听听听听听听听听听听 Abby and Shawna running up.

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CLEO听听听听听听听听听听听听听听听听 Abby? Shawna? Did you get my DM? Where鈥檝e you been? SHAWNA听听听听听听听听听 (RUNNING UP) Long story 鈥� oh.

APEX听听听听听听听听听听听听听听听听 Hi鈥� I鈥檓 Apex Costa. You must be Abby and Shawna. Big fan of the podcast.

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CLEO听听听听听听听听听听听听听听听听 So glad you鈥檙e here. The Blue Box Files is about to go intergalactic.

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SHAWNA听听听听听听听听听听 Listen- [there鈥檚 something you should know] APEX听 We really need your help.

CLEO听听听听听听听听听听听听听听听听 Absolutely. Come inside! Imma need a brew before we unpack all this. I have had the longest day and did I mention I鈥檝e been to space?

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SHAWNA听听听听听听听听听听 But-

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ABBY听听听听听听听听听听听听听听听听 Tea sounds nice.

SCENE 4.13- INT. CLEO鈥橲 FLAT

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FX:听听听听听听听听听听听听听听听听听听听 Cleo is in the kitchen. Boiling kettle. Abby and Shawna and Apex are all together.

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CLEO听听听听听听听听听听听听听听听听 (CALLING THROUGH) Find a bit of sofa with no pants on it and sit down. I won鈥檛 be a second.

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FX:听听听听听听听听听听听听听听听听听听听 Abby, Shawna and Apex sit.

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SHAWNA听听听听听听听听听听 So. Apex.

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APEX听听听听听听听听听听听听听听听听 Yes.

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SHAWNA听听听听听听听听听听 You鈥檙e an alien?

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APEX听听听听听听听听听听听听听听听听 Yes.

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SHAWNA听听听听听听听听听听 Been on Earth long? APEX听听听 I come and go.

ABBY听听听听听听听听听听听听听听听听 Been to Scotland?

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APEX听听听听听听听听听听听听听听听听听 鈥淪cot-land鈥�?

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ABBY听听听听听听听听听听听听听听听听 Recently? Like last night.

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APEX听听听听听听听听听听听听听听听听 Er.

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SHAWNA听听听听听听听听听听 (LOW) We. Know. Who. You. Are. APEX听 Listen-

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FX听听听听听听听听听听听听听听听听听听听听 Cleo comes in with tea.

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CLEO听听听听听听听听听听听听听听听听 Here we go. I鈥檝e checked and the oat milk hasn鈥檛 gone off while I鈥檝e been in space. There I am again. Space!

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SHAWNA听听听听听听听听听听 Cheers.

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ABBY听听听听听听听听听听听听听听听听 There鈥檚 something you have to know-

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CLEO听听听听听听听听听听听听听听听听 We need your help. Apex is on the run from a mad woman called Honour Bray.

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ABBY听听听听听听听听听听听听听听听听 Listen, Cleo. We鈥檝e been on the trail of this thief who steals alien stuff.

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CLEO听听听听听听听听听听听听听听听听 Amazing. So. Apex and I have a plan.

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APEX听听听听听听听听听听听听听听听听 (WEAK) Wait鈥�

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ABBY听听听听听听听听听听听听听听听听 Cleo we need to show you something.

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APEX听听听听听听听听听听听听听听听听 Honour could be on her way now. We need to call the Doctor first. There鈥檚 a lot of lives on the line.

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CLEO听听听听听听听听听听听听听听听听 Ok. But I don鈥檛 how long it will take for them to come. The Doctor鈥檚 not exactly a Chatty Cathy on texts.

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APEX听听听听听听听听听听听听听听听听 They have to come now!

SHAWNA听听听听听听听听听听 Cleo. We need to show you a picture of the thief. CLEO听听 No. Apex is right. I鈥檒l call the Doctor.

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ABBY听听听听听听听听听听听听听听听听 Before you do that, the picture-

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CLEO听听听听听听听听听听听听听听听听 (ENOUGH) Guys. Please.

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FX:听听听听听听听听听听听听听听听听听听听 Apex stands

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APEX听听听听听听听听听听听听听听听听 Look. You need to catch up. And I need to get gone. Like, now.

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CLEO听听听听听听听听听听听听听听听听 What about me?

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APEX听听听听听听听听听听听听听听听听 Can you get the Doctor here, now? Yes or no? CLEO听听听听 I don鈥檛 know. No.

APEX听听听听听听听听听听听听听听听听 Then I have no choice. I鈥檝e got to go. The refugees and you are more important than me, Cleo. Bye.

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CLEO听听听听听听听听听听听听听听听听 Wait!

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FX:听听听听听听听听听听听听听听听听听听听 He teleports out.

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SHAWNA听听听听听听听听听听 OK, what the actual hell was that? Did he just Star Trek out of here?

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ABBY听听听听听听听听听听听听听听听听 Shawna鈥�! Cleo, are you OK?

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CLEO听听听听听听听听听听听听听听听听 [LIES] Yeah. I鈥檓 fine. Um, he just鈥�he鈥檒l be back in a bit. (TO HERSELF) We agreed we鈥檇 sort it together. (BRIGHT) I think you guys chased him off.

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ABBY听听听听听听听听听听听听听听听听 (BREAKING IT GENTLY) The thing is. The thief. Who has been raiding alien stuff. We have a photo of him.

CLEO听听听听听听听听听听听听听听听听 I鈥檝e got to phone the Doctor. We need to save Apex.

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SHAWNA听听听听听听听听听听 Here鈥檚 the photo.

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FX听听听听听听听听听听听听听听听听听听听听听 Shawna slides the photo over. Cleo is fiddling with her phone.

CLEO听听听听听听听听听听听听听听听听 Whatever. Saving Apex here. SHAWNA听听听听听听听听 (LOSING IT) The thief is Apex!

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A very significant pause.

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ABBY听听听听听听听听听听听听听听听听 Cleo...

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CLEO听听听听听听听听听听听听听听听听 What? No! It can鈥檛 be him.

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ABBY听听听听听听听听听听听听听听听听 How much do you actually know about him? CLEO听听听 (INDIGNANT) It鈥檚 not him. Just a bit like him. SHAWNA听听听听听听听听 Cleo! Come on鈥�

CLEO听听听听听听听听听听听听听听听听 Well鈥�OK. But look, it鈥檚 not what you think. He鈥檚 not who you think. He鈥檚 a sexy fox.

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ABBY听听听听听听听听听听听听听听听听 I beg your pardon? SHAWNA听听 You knew he鈥檚 a thief?

CLEO听听听听听听听听听听听听听听听听 (TRIGGERED) You don鈥檛 know what you鈥檙e talking about.

Sure, Apex has an open-relationship with the truth, but you鈥檙e forgetting he鈥檚 helping a bunch of alien refugees.

SHAWNA听听听听听听听听听听 So he has lied to you?

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CLEO听听听听听听听听听听听听听听听听 For good reasons. It鈥檚 complicated, okay? ABBY听听 He鈥檚 dangerous.

SHAWNA听听听听听听听听听听 No wonder he was in such a hurry to leave. He鈥檚 a crook, babe.

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CLEO听听听听听听听听听听听听听听听听 This is so typical. I am being gaslit again. ABBY听听 What?

CLEO听听听听听听听听听听听听听听听听 It happens all the time! Hello! The rats! You two telling me what to think. There must be a reason for all this. Apex is chaotic good, okay? I know him.

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SHAWNA听听听听听听听听听听 Do you?

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CLEO听听听听听听听听听听听听听听听听 Yes! I finally have someone who likes me for me and you鈥檙e both immediately calling him dangerous. If he was so evil, why did he ask me to run away with him after knowing me for a day?

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SHAWNA听听听听听听听听听听 Red flag much?

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CLEO听听听听听听听听听听听听听听听听 Where were you two when I wanted to investigate the rats?

The only person who helped me was Apex.

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ABBY听听听听听听听听听听听听听听听听 Okay I鈥檓 sorry, it just didn鈥檛 seem believable.

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CLEO听听听听听听听听听听听听听听听听 Exactly, cause I鈥檓 here for the lolz you don鈥檛 take me seriously.

SHAWNA听听听听听听听听听听 We take you as seriously as you take yourself.

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Gasps all round.

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ABBY听听听听听听听听听听听听听听听听 Shawna鈥� that鈥檚 not helping.

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SHAWNA听听听听听听听听听听 She鈥檚 defending some guy she met a day ago over her best friends. We get it, you鈥檙e lonely, he鈥檚 cute, and it鈥檚 scrambled your head.

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CLEO听听听听听听听听听听听听听听听听 Lonely? Maybe that鈥檚 because my best friends have been ignoring me for months!

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ABBY听听听听听听听听听听听听听听听听 Shawna, Cleo! Stop it!

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CLEO听听听听听听听听听听听听听听听听 Wow OK. [BEAT] I鈥檓 gonna take my desperate, needy butt out for a walk. You can see yourselves out.

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FX听听听听听听听听听听听听听听听听听听听听 Cleo storms out, slamming the door.

SCENE 4.14 鈥� EXT. STREET

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FX:听听听听听听听听听听听听听听听听听听听 Front door slams as CLEO exits, very upset.

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CLEO听听听听听听听听听听听听听听听听 I can鈥檛 believe she said that鈥�

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APEX听听听听听听听听听听听听听听听听 Hi.

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CLEO听听听听听听听听听听听听听听听听 Apex!

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APEX听听听听听听听听听听听听听听听听 Cleo, are you crying? Are you okay?

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CLEO听听听听听听听听听听听听听听听听 Oh my god. No, I鈥檓 fine. What are you doing? You left. APEX听听听 I couldn鈥檛.

CLEO听听听听听听听听听听听听听听听听 But鈥�but Abby and Shawna said鈥�

APEX听听听听听听听听听听听听听听听听 What did they say?

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CLEO听听听听听听听听听听听听听听听听 You know exactly what they said.

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APEX听听听听听听听听听听听听听听听听 I鈥檓 a thief. Yeah. Everything I鈥檝e done, I did for the people in London Underground. You鈥檝e been there. You know they need supplies. That鈥檚 what I was doing.

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CLEO听听听听听听听听听听听听听听听听 Every single instinct in me is telling me to get as far away from you as possible, but鈥�

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APEX听听听听听听听听听听听听听听听听 I couldn鈥檛 walk away from you either.

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CLEO听听听听听听听听听听听听听听听听 No more running?

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APEX听听听听听听听听听听听听听听听听 You feel this right?

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CLEO听听听听听听听听听听听听听听听听 I feel鈥�this is very awkward.

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APEX听听听听听听听听听听听听听听听听 No. No more jokes, just be real.

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CLEO听听听听听听听听听听听听听听听听 [PAUSE] But real is scary.

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APEX听听听听听听听听听听听听听听听听 I鈥檓 OK with that. Can I..?

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Apex kisses her.

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CLEO听听听听听听听听听听听听听听听听 Kissing in the moonlight, how cheesy.

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APEX听听听听听听听听听听听听听听听听 Yeah, but er鈥�

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He kisses her again.

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The music builds into a gleefully Whovian, alien symphony of synths and electric keyboard that cuts off into piano that continues under the rest of the credits.

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END CREDITS 听听 Doctor Who: Redacted. Episode Four. Spaceman by Karissa Hamilton-Baines. Starring Charlie Craggs as Cleo Proctor, Lois Chimimba Abby Mcphail, Holly Quin-Ankrah Shawna Thompson, Freddy Carter Apex Costa, Dervla Kirwan Honour Bray, Irvine Iqbal as Mr Singh and Denica Fairman as receptionist. Directed by Bethany Weimers, Producer James Goss, Sound design by Thea Cochrane, Original Composition by David Devereux. A 成人论坛 Studios Production for 成人论坛 Sounds.

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