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The musical instrument you can play with your fingers, legs or eyes

Designed for disabled people, the Clarion gets recognition for the skill needed to play it.

Access All collaborates with ̳ Radio 3 on an item about the Clarion, a musical instrument which can be played by anyone by anything - from fingers to Eyegaze technology. Our guests are Barry Farrimond-Chuong, the CEO of Open Up Music, who helped design the software instrument, and Alessandro Vazzana a player of the Clarion in the National Open Youth Orchestra who is enabled to chat with us by his mum, Anne.

Do you find it hard getting a wheelchair through the traditional means? Nick Goldup from the Wheelchair Alliance talks about its latest report which uncovered a postcode lottery when it comes to wheelchair services. We meet 19-year-old Lachlan from Devon who has Ehlers-Danlos syndrome and needs a wheelchair most of the time, but he's been waiting nearly a year for a chair that fits him properly.

And at 24, Ellie Middleton was diagnosed as being autistic and having ADHD. Her book Unmasked talks about why women and girls often get diagnosed late in life, and how she felt vindicated that she wasn't a bad person - something she had come to believe.

Presenters: Nikki Fox and Emma Tracey. Recorded and mixed by MC Dave O'Neill. And Produced by Beth Rose, Alex Collins, Hayley Clarke and Emma Tracey. The Editor is Damon Rose, Senior Editor Sam Bonham.

"Alexa, ask the ̳ for Access All" plays the latest edition of the programme. Follow us on X, formerly Twitter, @̳AccessAll and on old-fashioned email we're access.all@bbc.co.uk

Release date:

Available now

37 minutes

Transcript

04th December 2023

bbc.co.uk/accessall

Access All – episode 81

Presented by Nikki Fox and Emma Tracey

NIKKI- Hey, Emma, I got very excited. I noticed there’s a Nikki Fox doing Desert Island Discs.

[Clip]

LAUREN- Dr Nicola Fox, welcome to Desert Island Discs.

[End of clip]

EMMA- Yeah, the most recent episode. Did you forget you’d done it?

NIKKI- I mean, you know I’ve been having trouble with this CPAP machine that I need for my sleep apnoea. And I’m not getting any sleep whatsoever. And when I saw it I did think to myself, oh my goodness, have I really not slept that much that I’ve done Desert Island Discs and I didn’t remember it [laughter], because it is the dream job. And so I had hoped that I would remember it. But yeah, I would love to go on Desert Island Discs, Em.

[Clip]

LAUREN- Nikki Fox, I want to talk to you about your mother. Tell me about her approach to bringing you up?

[End of clip]

EMMA- But it wasn’t you?

NIKKI- No, it wasn’t me, it was a doctor. [Singing] doctor, doctor…

EMMA- Dr Nikki Fox.

NIKKI- Yes, which I am definitely not.

EMMA- Head of Science at NASA, yeah.

NIKKI- No, definitely not me. I have not got enough in the old bonce to be that smart. I mean, I would agonise for weeks beforehand as to what tracks I would choose. It’s stressing me now thinking about it.

EMMA- Well, you don’t have weeks to agonise.

NIKKI- No, I don’t.

EMMA- Because let’s pretend that we’re on Desert Island Discs right now.

NIKKI- Okay.

EMMA- [Desert Island Discs theme music] Nikki Fox?

NIKKI- Yeah.

EMMA- If you could take one disc to the island what one would it be?

NIKKI- Oh. Don’t you come up with different tracks on Desert Island Discs?

EMMA- Yeah, but I thought I’d try and shortcut it and get to the last one.

NIKKI- Okay, one of them would be Moments of Pleasure by Kate Bush from the Red Shoes album. It links to my family, it’s beautiful and it makes me cry. If it was going to be an album, I’m just going to put it up there, it would be Kate Bush Hounds of Love.

EMMA- Okay. So, what would your luxury item be?

NIKKI- Oh, that’d be wax strips [laughs].

EMMA- But no one’s going to see you on the island!

NIKKI- It doesn’t matter. I don’t wax for anyone else, Ems, I wax for me.

EMMA- Anyway, let’s move on. You can take the Bible and the Collective Works of Shakespeare, but you can also take one more book to the island. Nikki, what would that be?

NIKKI- Does My Bum Look Big in This by Arabella Weir.

EMMA- Wow. Why?

NIKKI- It’s just the first book I ever read and I was so proud of myself for reading it.

EMMA- I met her on a train once.

NIKKI- Did you?

EMMA- I did. Now, how accessible do you think this island would be for you, Nikki?

NIKKI- [Laughs]

EMMA- How are you at roughing it?

NIKKI- Oh, I’d be lucky if I lasted two days, let’s face it. But I’d be hair free.

EMMA- Well, Nikki, thank you for joining me on this Desert Island Discs.

NIKKI- Somebody get this girl the gig.

MUSIC- Theme music.

NIKKI- This is Access All from the ̳, where we have gone 100% Christmas.

EMMA- Uh, no we haven’t. That’s another radio station, Nikki. I think the ̳’s a little bit more restrained than that.

NIKKI- That’d be such a nice gig though, wouldn’t it, playing Christmas songs all day every day. But this is a nice gig too, innit, you know. We are the ̳’s disability and mental health podcast, and we’re here every week. I’m Ronan Keating.

EMMA- Uh, she’s actually Nikki Fox, and I’m Emma Tracey.

NIKKI- Now, this week, finding it hard to get a wheelchair? Well, a new report agrees with you.

EMMA- And we’re still celebrating International Day of Disabled People and have teamed up with Radio 3, get us, to talk about access to music. It’s all linked to an instrument called the clarion which has been created for everyone to play.

NIKKI- I love it, I love it. And we’ve talked about this before, but today we’ve got a personal take on the subject. ADHD and autism is not recognised as easily if you’re a woman or a girl. Author and influencer Ellie Middleton is here to talk about this in about 20 minutes’ time.

EMMA- Like, subscribe, follow us, hit those buttons wherever you see Access All, and tell your friends about us because we want to get this programme to as many people as possible who could benefit from it, which is everybody really.

NIKKI- A new report out today paints a bleak picture for wheelchair users in England. It says provision for funding is a postcode lottery causing some users to have wheelchairs that don’t meet their needs, and many waiting long periods of time to actually get a chair. Now, joining us on the podcast to talk about this is Nick Goldup from the Wheelchair Alliance who commissioned the report. Hello, Nick. Thank you so much for coming on.

NICK- Thanks very much for having me.

NIKKI- Oh, it’s brilliant, thank you. And we’ve also got lovely Lachlan – I’ve pronounced it right have I, Lachlan? – from Devon.

LACHLAN- Yes, you have.

NIKKI- Ah. Hey Lachlan. Now, we’re going to talk about your chair situation in a minute, so bear with us darling, bear with us. But Nick, let’s just establish some facts first of all for anyone that doesn’t know how the wheelchair service runs. But I’m right in saying that anyone who needs a wheelchair, whether that be temporarily or permanently, is entitled to one through the NHS. Normally people need a referral through the GP or any kind of specialist wheelchair service. That is correct? I’ve not oversimplified that, have I?

NICK- No, that is correct, yes. People who need a wheelchair should be able to access that through their wheelchair provider.

NIKKI- Perfect. So, the Wheelchair Alliance you’ve got this report out today, give us an idea of the state of the wheelchair services in England. Just how much variation is there? Because we mentioned it’s a postcode lottery, so just fill us in, Nick.

NICK- I suppose for about three decades now we’ve had reports made by various different people, government, voluntary sector, charities, and very little action in terms of improving access to the right wheelchair at the right time. And just last year the Wheelchair Alliance we pulled together our first report which really looked at the state of the nation. And there were three things really we found: one was that the funding levels were totally unacceptable, so the government spending on wheelchairs was averaging at about £196 per person per year.

NIKKI- Wow.

NICK- So, that’s everything from a basic chair all the way through to a power chair, and maintenance and insurance. And data didn’t exist, so there was a real data desert. So, how can you understand the scale of demand if you don’t know how many wheelchair users you’re seeing through your local service?

NIKKI- That is not going to cut the mustard, is it, 100 odd quid per person?

NICK- It’s not. And that’s an average. But that’s really a reflection of the lack of data.

NIKKI- Which is always a problem when it comes to disability. I spend my life in this job just fighting with a lack of data. Also I used to know the wheelchair services, I always used to call them the NHS wheelchair services, but obviously, like we’ve touched on, it’s all be diverted now, hasn’t it, to 42 integrated care boards. Is that right? So, basically just explain how it all works now, rather than all coming from the NHS.

NICK- I’ll try and do it simply. There are 42 integrated care boards, so they are the organisations that basically commission – when I say commission, sort of buy the services on behalf of government so that local services can be run. And there’s a lot to be said about running services locally: you can meet local needs and make sure that the service matches local need. But with that comes a host of issues as well in terms of variation, and the report really digs into this and shows that if you’ve got 42 different ICBs they’ve got different contracts; they’ve got different providers, some of which are the NHS and some are private organisations, and that split is about 55%, 45% private; different funding model; different methods; different levels of funding. And so what happens inevitably is you get these different eligibility criteria. So, they need to manage their budget so they say, if you have a certain disability or you can, I don’t know, walk a certain distance then we won’t give you a power chair, you can have a manual chair.

NIKKI- And I suppose as the person that needs the wheelchair you’re not in control of where you live, are you? So, it’s not like you can go, oh I’m going to be in an area where it’s coming out of the NHS; you’ve got no say in that really, have you? And I wonder, how do you find in your capacity, how is the money being spent really. Do you find it’s being spent efficiently across the board or not?

NICK- Well, because of the variation, as I say, in different levels of service you get different quality. And if you think about how money is spent through the wheelchair service there’s only two areas really where you can flex: and one is staff, and we need more staff supporting our NHS wheelchair services; or it’s equipment. And especially when the cost of equipment has gone through the roof in the last year or so the budgets have just come under a lot of pressure, a lot of strain.

NIKKI- Are there parts of the UK that are worse than others when it comes to all this provision and eligibility criteria and everything?

NICK- It’s hard to say without, you know, I don’t really want to name names. But there are areas where people have a tougher time of getting what they need. But the benefit of having the right wheelchair is just huge in terms of autonomy, integrating into the community, travel, better education opportunities, and physical health as well, fewer pressure sores hopefully if you’ve got the right piece of equipment you have a reduced likelihood of falling from your chair or having back pain, just improving your overall fitness through the right wheelchair.

NIKKI- Yeah, 100%. Now, Lachlan, you’ve been hearing all of this. Hello.

LACHLAN- Yes, hello.

NIKKI- You’re from Devon, aren’t you, darling. You’re 19 and you’re studying at college at the moment. What are you studying, out of interest?

LACHLAN- I’m studying a Level 3 in health and social care.

NIKKI- Nice, very interesting. So, tell our listeners what your current situation is. And do you mind me asking what disability you’ve got?

LACHLAN- So, I’ve got Ehlers-Danlos syndrome, which is a connective tissue disorder, so I don’t have enough collagen. So, I use my wheelchair for that purpose. I don’t always use my wheelchair; I can walk quite a bit, but that increases fatigue.

NIKKI- So, what have you got at the moment, what are you sitting your tush on?

LACHLAN- I've currently got a Quickie Argon 2.

NIKKI- Is that a motorised, do you mind me asking?

LACHLAN- No, it’s a manual active use chair. The one I’ve ordered next is the same type of chair, just a bigger version of it because I’ve grown.

NIKKI- But it’s not appropriate for you right now.

LACHLAN- No.

NIKKI- And as Nick’s touched on, I’m sure we’ll go back to Nick as well, the wrong type of chair can be very detrimental. Is this particular one that you’re in now causing any problems for you?

LACHLAN- I’m quite lucky in the fact that because I move around pressure sores aren’t a massive concern for me because I don’t sit still. But if I sat in a chair properly, how it’s designed to sit in, it would tear on the back of my legs. But I get around that by not sitting in it correctly; but then that causes other issues. So, it’s sort of a balancing act.

NIKKI- So, how long have you been waiting for this new chair that you are due?

LACHLAN- On 16th February we requested an appointment with Wheelchair Services of 2023, and that was when I first found it properly not fitting. It took till 4th April for us to have an appointment with Wheelchair Services, and at that appointment the clinician they didn’t feel confident prescribing a chair in the manner I needed it. The upper leg part needed to be longer than typical, so it delayed the whole process. And it’s really difficult one where you have to constantly ring them up, you have to constantly push them. Nothing gets done unless you’re literally on the phone to them sort of chasing the progress of the chair.

NIKKI- When are you expected to get your chair, Lachlan? This is the thing, right.

LACHLAN- I’ve got an appointment for 15th December.

NIKKI- Right okay. And is that when you pick it up?

LACHLAN- That’s when I should get my chair. I should receive it on that date. I’ve not got high hopes for it from a perspective of the whole process has been quite a messy process. And at no point have I received any confirmation that a chair has been ordered at all. And I’ve lost count of the times we’ve rung them up, we’ve asked where it is in the manufacturing process, we’ve asked is this confirmation it’s been ordered. The only thing that we’ve had confirmation for is from the PWP team that I paid £50 for having a nice colour of paint rather than the standard, and £50 for castors as well. But other than that we haven’t had any confirmation paperwork at all to prove that I’ve ordered anything.

NIKKI- Does that worry you?

LACHLAN- Previously I’ve had bad experiences with chairs not being right, I’ve had it before the chair’s come completely the wrong size, so much so that I couldn’t even squeeze into it, let alone it fit me correctly. I hope it’s right, I really do, and I really want it to be right, but I just don’t feel like it will be.

EMMA- We reached out for a statement from the National Health Service executive and they said: the NHS is providing wheelchairs for the vast majority of people who need them within 18 weeks. And the NHS provides personal wheelchair budgets which give people more choice and control.

And just a little bit of extra information: we’re told that in the second quarter of 2023 over 80% of adults and children had equipment delivered within that 18 weeks.

Nick, what reforms would you like to see? What is the solution to this issue?

NICK- There’s a few things really we’d like to see. So, the report pulls out that firstly more investment is needed in wheelchair services, so that would result in such a huge positive economic impact. We calculate that, it’s not a lot of money, £22 million each year could really unlock some benefits to society that we estimate would be worth about £60 million. There are details in the report, but if the benefit to individuals increases by 1%, which is very, very modest, that benefit could be unlocked. If it was a 5% increase that would be £315 million benefit to society is the figure put on that. So, it seems a no-brainer.

EMMA- So, £22 million and you guys have figured out that it would turn into £60 million in terms of what people could do if they had the right chair, work, out in the economy etc etc?

NICK- Absolutely yes. And I don’t know the overall budget of the NHS, but £22 million feels like a rounding error I would imagine. It’s not a lot of money, which would improve the quality of provision across England. And that needs to be spent on frontline services; it needs to be spent on people to run these services, staff I mean to do the assessments, but also on equipment. So, my next ask would be really that the NHS recognises this issue and we can implement some changes. This has to be the report that triggers change. We can’t put this on the shelf and let it collect dust; there’s been too many over the last decades [ironic laugh]. This needs to drive change, and that’s the goal of the Wheelchair Alliance.

EMMA- Well done for getting that in, Nick.

NIKKI- Yes, well done. Honestly, I love that. Thank you so, so much guys. Well, if you’ve got anything to tell us about this story, if you’re having a problem with a wheelchair or if you can’t get the right one, or you’re waiting, like Lachlan, for well pretty much nearly a year, then get in contact with us: accessall@bbc.co.uk is our email address. And also check out the Wheelchair Alliance website as well. Thank you, thank you, thank you, you two.

LACHLAN- Thank you.

NICK- Thank you so much.

[Clarion music plays]

NIKKI- That beautiful music is called Soaring Sparks by Michael Betteridge, and it’s being played on a clarion. Now, a clarion is a musical instrument which is about to break open the music scene like no other. The clarion it’s a fully inclusive instrument, anyone can play it because it can hook up to assistive technology, a bit like the Eyegaze which enables people who can’t speak in a traditional way to use their eyes. And now the Associated Board of the Royal School of Music has recognised its potential, and similar to more traditional instruments like the piano and the violin and all the wind instruments and everything is going to be offering what they call open assessments to give players feedback on their playing from 2024 that’s going to happen. Now, this will help legitimise the clarion as an instrument which takes skills and a lot of practise to play. But there’s another dilemma, I find this fascinating, the clarion is driven by a computer, which means it can imitate any instrument it likes. But the designer behind it wants to give it its own unique sound to make the clarion in demand. Now, the question is: what should it sound like? We are joined now by Barry Farrimond-Chuong, one of the people who designed the instrument, and he also runs Open Up Music, which is an organisation which runs inclusive orchestras. Thank you so much for coming on.

BARRY- An absolute pleasure.

EMMA- What does it look like, Barry?

BARRY- It’s a piece of software, that’s the first thing to say. But it’s a musical instrument more than it’s a piece of software. I mean, it would be like describing a violin as a piece of wood. That’s just what this musical instrument happens to be made of. And what you look at when you’re on the screen, when the clarion pops up, you tend to see some colourful shapes, either circles or squares, and there can be one shape that’s covering the whole screen or there could be tens of shapes that are dotted all over the place. And they can be lots of different colours and they can be different sizes. Each of those shapes represents a note. Now, this is really important that you can add notes and remove them. You can’t really do that with a traditional musical instrument. But it's super important if you’re trying to play a musical instrument, say, with your eyes. Imagine how complicated a piano interface is and how many notes there are on there, and if you’re trying to hit that C sharp how difficult that is.

NIKKI- It’s so clever. What is it that made you come up with this idea? What was the thought process behind it, Barry?

BARRY- So, we were doing a programme – this was over ten years ago – a research and development programme with Cardiff Metropolitan University, it was called Listening Aloud. And the whole idea was that we were going to go into a school and work alongside young disabled people and teachers and music leaders to create musical instrument prototypes that could be accessible. Because if you think about it most musical instruments require two hands and ten very dextrous fingers to play them. And for a lot of people that can’t access those musical instruments, well, they’re disabled by those musical instruments.

NIKKI- Oh, a very social model, Barry. Tick.

BARRY- Very social model, yeah exactly. It’s an instrument that’s taken a decade to develop and now it’s being played by hundreds of young people all over the country.

NIKKI- You know one of my biggest regrets was, I used to play the piano, I got to grade 7, but then I stopped playing for a period of time and now my fingers aren’t good enough to play anymore. I just should have kept them going, you know. I recognise the importance of having an accessible instrument like the clarion.

BARRY- It’s not saying that there’s not still a long way to go. We called it the clarion on purpose, because the clarion is actually like a medieval musical instrument. It’s like a really old one that people don’t play anymore. And what we wanted to do was make a statement to say yes, this instrument’s amazing and sounds very futuristic, you can play it with your eyes and it can sound like anything; but actually it’s a very early musical instrument as well. What we hope is that in 200 years’ time that there will be a new version of that clarion that’s so different, so markedly different and so embedded in our musical culture that they’ll be looking back at what we created going, wow look at that thing, [laughs] it’s moved on so far.

NIKKI- Yeah, the early work. This idea as well, Barry, about the sound and what sound you’re going to give it, my goodness that is a big question, isn’t it?

BARRY- Yeah, it is. And it’s not a question that I can answer or should be able to answer really. But what we want to do is make a very considered effort to design a sound, alongside clarion musicians: so what do they want it to sound like. Working alongside composers like Michael Betteridge and saying, what do you want it to sound like. And working alongside professional orchestras to say, what do you need. Because the ultimate dream, like the big picture is that if the clarion has its own sound composers can write pieces of music that require clarions.

NIKKI- Exactly!

BARRY- And then orchestras will want to play it. And then that creates employment opportunities for clarion players.

NIKKI- Earlier Emma spoke with Alessandro Vazzana, who has played the clarion of the past five years, and is part of the National Open Youth Orchestra. Now, Alessandro is considered one of the best players around, and his mum Anne is also part of that chat and describes herself as a music enabler:

ANNE- He is an electric wheelchair user. He also has Fragile X syndrome, which is both a learning disability and can impact communication, but obviously not musical ability.

EMMA- Alessandro, why did you want to learn the clarion?

ALESSANDRO- So I could play music.

ANNE- Alessandro’s ability to play with his hands has decreased over time.

ALESSANDRO- Without my hands.

ANNE- That’s right. And whilst he’s played the piano and guitar and drums and various things in the past, he was losing that ability to play the musical instrument to his ability to play music in itself. The clarion has given Alessandro the ability to reach his potential and play to a high standard.

EMMA- Fabulous. Alessandro, what do you enjoy about the clarion?

ALESSANDRO- Playing great music with others.

EMMA- And you’ve played in some impressive concerns. Can you tell me about some of the performances that you were involved with?

ALESSANDRO- In the Barbican, Bristol, Bournemouth and Birmingham, NOY in 2022.

ANNE- With the National Open Youth Orchestra, the Bournemouth Symphony Orchestra last week playing.

ALESSANDRO- With the Bournemouth Symphony.

ANNE- With the whole Bournemouth Symphony Orchestra plus other related organisations. So, there were about 60 to 70 musicians playing.

EMMA- Wow! So, Alessandro what would you like the clarion to sound like?

ALESSANDRO- Great.

EMMA- [Laughs]

ANNE- We use quite a lot either strings in some of the…

ALESSANDRO- Strings.

ANNE- …classical and orchestral pieces. But when he does solo we quite often use wind, say like clarinet.

ALESSANDRO- Wind, clarinet or flute.

EMMA- It was such a pleasure to talk to Alessandro and hear his passion, with help from his mum, Anne.

Barry, what was it like working with Alessandro?

BARRY- I mean, Alessandro is pushing the instrument right up to its limit, which is so exciting.

EMMA- But we all know about the grading for piano and violin etc. But the Associated Board’s open assessment of the clarion starting next year that’s going to be a bit different, isn’t it, Barry?

BARRY- The grade system, I mean it’s typically for musical instruments that have a deep-rooted heritage, that go back hundreds of years, the musical repertoire, they’ve got loads of music that’s been written for them that you can pick from, and they’ve got very well-established ways of being taught and being played that go back for generations. By contrast the clarion it’s a baby. Open music assessment isn’t comparable to the kind of traditional grade 1, grade 2, grade 3 etc. It’s more about a musician being able to play an instrument like the clarion, be assessed, have feedback given to them to help them progress in their musicianship; but without progressing through the grades at this stage.

NIKKI- So, how do people get hold of the clarion if they want to play it then, Barry?

BARRY- At the moment it’s available through our programmes; but next year in 2024 we’re going to be making it available to everyone. The best way to find out about that would be to go to the website, theclarion.uk. join up to the mailing list and we’ll let you know when the clarion is going to be available.

NIKKI- And what’s the price range on it?

BARRY- At the moment we’re still trying to work that out, but we’re keeping the price as low as we possibly can because we don’t want price to be another barrier that people need to experience.

NIKKI- Thank you so much, Barry. Honestly, it’s been a real pleasure to speak to you.

BARRY- That was really fun. Thank you so much.

NIKKI- Sounds great everything that you’re doing. It’s right up my street. And thank you Alessandro and Anne for joining us too. If this has got you excited and you want to find out more about the clarion and the assessments then check out Open Up Music and ABRSM. Thank you also to Radio 3 Music Matters’ team who worked on this story with us. It’s been a great collaboration. You can find their episode on adaptive instruments on ̳ Sounds.

JINGLE- Access All with Nikki Fox.

NIKKI- Well, it’s probably fair to say ADHD is still often seen as something that children or teenage boys have; but more recently we’ve been hearing about women getting a late diagnosis of ADHD and autism. Neurodivergent activist and author, Ellie Middleton, has a brand new book out all about this, and about being diagnosed at the age of 24. And she is with us now. Ellie!

ELLIE- Hello.

NIKKI- We are very excited. Emma and I have both being listening to your dulcet tones.

ELLIE- You’ll be sick of hearing my voice already then before we even start [laughs]!

EMMA- No, never.

NIKKI- It’s a nice voice, Ellie. Well, let’s get straight to the point: what does ADHD look like in women and girls?

ELLIE- I think this is the big question as to why it’s been missed for such a long time, because the way in which we’re socialised as women and girls we’re told to behave, to sit still, to be polite, which means if we’re not diagnosed at a really young age that way that we’re trained to be, I guess, as women and girls affects the way that we’re masking our neurodivergence, whatever that might be. So, I think if you think of little boys and they’ll be a bit boisterous and they’ll be a bit naughty; whereas with the girls I think a lot of it is more internal. So, for me my hyperactively, I’m not outwardly running around in circles, but my brain is just going round in circles at 100 miles an hour all the time. So, that’s something that someone wouldn’t be able to see from the outside but is very much still happening just internally.

NIKKI- What I love about the book, you explain things beautifully, I mean even I’ve learnt stuff. I’ve been in this job as a disability correspondent for years now, but I’ve learnt things from you about language. So, thank you for that; I’ll script better. But you also tell us a little bit about yourself. It sounds to me like you went from dropping out of school, and then becoming an author, in the space of two years. OMG.

ELLIE- Yeah, it almost is like the poster girl of what can happen when you get the answers as to how your brain works, because it is literally like the perfect story [laughs] basically of dropping out of school, not being able to hold down a job. Because I was in this cycle of really struggling with my mental health for me it was like well, I’m never going to be able to climb the career ladder or do anything of any importance because I just get overwhelmed so easily and I always have these really bad phases of anxiety and depression. Whereas now understanding what was causing those cycles of bad mental health, which was basically the clashing of ADHD wanting to do everything all of the time, and autism, having a very small battery and needing a lot more rest than most people, and having that understanding of how my brain works I can prevent those crashes in the same way, and I can work in a way that suits me better. Learning the way that I work has changed everything for me really.

NIKKI- That’s amazing. And what did it mean to you to find out actually, this is why I felt the way I felt?

ELLIE- First of all it was like that absolute validation and relief and understanding of just finally I know what’s going on and it all makes sense now. It’s like realising that actually every single day for the rest of my life I’m going to have to carefully manage my energy, because if I don’t then I get burnt out. So, it’s like coming to terms with the ways that you are disabled I think by your disability is a big thing that people need the space to process. I think there was a lot of forgiveness for myself. When you grow up being told or feeling like you can’t do everything the way that everyone else can and you just can’t seem to hold down a job and you seem to not be able to hold friendships, although you in your heart of hearts know that you’re not a bad person, it’s kind of inevitable that the more you’re told that the more it’s going to sink in. And especially socially I had such an awful time, never fit in in a friendship group anywhere and just had big drama and fallouts and stuff. And I think I was just like, I must be a bad person because I’m the common denominator here. And then I guess having that explanation of like, oh no, I’m not bad, I’m just different. And I was just going undiagnosed with these two disabilities my whole entire life. So, I was actually doing a really good job [laughs] of getting as far as I did.

EMMA- What changed with the social side of things? What do you do differently now?

ELLIE- Finding my people first of all. So, through a lot of my work online I’ve found friends who are also autistic and ADHD, which it solves a lot of issues because I don’t have to explain myself if I go quiet or I don’t have to explain why I might be blunt and to the point. They’re the same, they understand. But also having that information for the friends that I do still have from beforehand they have that understanding as well of like, ah okay, if Ellie doesn’t text me back for two weeks it’s not that she doesn’t like me anymore or that she doesn’t care about me, it’s that she might be overwhelmed or she might have a lot on her plate right now.

EMMA- Yeah. And what about work wise? You said that you weren’t able to hold down a job before your diagnosis; what’s changed in terms of work?

ELLIE- Yeah, I think again it’s just that knowledge of learning how to work with my brain rather than against it. So, before I was doing either long hours in an office, which was just draining for me of, like, that sensory input all the time and making small talk all the time. I work from home a lot now because it just takes away from all that extra stuff. And I think I’ve obviously been really lucky that I’ve been able to be self-employed so I can give myself that flexibility. But I think another thing that I see looking back is because I didn’t know otherwise I thought everyone was just as drained as I was after an eight-hour day in the office. So, I would finish work, I would go home, I would basically just have to lie in a dark room and scroll, and I’d struggle to be able to have the energy to eat or to shower or anything like that. Every drop of energy had been taken from me from that day at work. But I guess I didn’t see anyone else when they finished work either, so I didn’t know that everybody wasn’t just as drained as I was. So, now I have that knowledge of oh, I’m supposed to have some battery left, so I won’t use all of my energy at work; I’ll work in shorter sprints or I’ll make sure that I’m going for a walk in between the day. And just being able to be a bit more flexible with it I think is a massive benefit of being self-employed.

NIKKI- In your book, Ellie, you say that looking normal – whatever that is – looking pretty even, made people believe that there wasn’t anything wrong with you. And you call that pretty privilege. Can you tell me about that?

ELLIE- Yeah. So, I guess pretty privilege is this idea of all the other types of privileges that people have, so like white privilege or able-bodied privilege kind of combined together to have this extra privilege. So, having that would mean that you have an easier ride in life or face less barriers. So, I think it’s very much a privilege in most contexts. However, in the context of getting access to support it almost is a hindrance, because in one way it's still a privilege because it maybe stopped me from being ostracised as much or stopped me from standing out as much because I looked “normal”.

NIKKI- Beautiful I think you mean.

ELLIE- [Laughs] thank you. But then because of that that kind of stopped people from realising that there was anything different about me because I sailed through social situations that I didn’t actually have the skills to navigate, just because I looked more like I belonged there. So, I guess if I’d have been more visibly different, you kind of picture the kid stood at the corner of the playground with no friends, and at that point someone would step in and say, well what’s going on here, there’s something, they’re being ostracised, they’re being left out, they’re not making friends, let’s look into what’s going on. Whereas when I didn’t look as visibly different and I was able to mask, and my support needs were quite low, it was always put down to oh, well all teenage girls have troubles with friends, and all teenage girls have a rough time at high school. Whereas I had a social and communication disability.

NIKKI- There are consequences, aren’t there Ellie, to not getting an early diagnosis? And you talk about the lost generation in your book.

ELLIE- Yeah. Up until now a lot of the research that’s been done to shape the diagnostic criteria of both ADHD and autism is all based on young white cis boys. So, for example one of the questions that I had to answer, that I use in the book as an example, is I collect information about categories of things, for example birds, cars, trains and planes. So, for me that was like no, I don’t collect information about any of those things; but that’s mostly because of the fact that I’m a 24-year old woman and not an eight-year old boy. So, I think it’s just these very small and simple biases in the diagnostic criteria that mean that we’re not accounting for the experiences of women, of people marginalised by gender, people of colour, of adults. That ties into our understanding of oh, well it must be only young white boys that have autism or have ADHD, so then we’re not looking for it in girls, in people of colour. So, there’s kind of all of these people that have gone their entire life without a diagnosis. And then I think a lot of us are getting to a certain age when we’re looking into things for ourselves and being like, actually there’s something else going on here.

NIKKI- Yeah.

ELLIE- Especially with the internet that’s allowing us to see through social media different people’s experiences that are similar to ours and giving us access to more information that we didn’t previously have access to.

NIKKI- Going back a bit, just quickly, to collecting things, does that show up in you in another way?

ELLIE- So, for me my special interests – which actually I do think played into why I went undiagnosed as well, even as an adult – I like football and I like indie music. And I think people that like those things tend to have quite an intense love for them as well. My intense level of interest wasn’t seen as abnormal because a lot of the people that like that sort of thing [laughs] are equally intense about it. But because it’s not the same stereotypical interest of, like, the London Underground or trains or whatever it is that we think of when we think of these young boys, no one considers it to be a special interest; when actually it is.

NIKKI- It’s been so lovely chatting to you. Thank you so much. If you want to have a read of Ellie’s book it is brilliant. It’s called Unmasked: the Ultimate Guide to ADHD, Autism and Neurodivergence. And it is out now.

Now, that is the end of our programme for this week. We’re back next week, and we’re here all year round. All year round, my goodness. Now, send us a message and tell us what you like or what you want to hear more of: accessall@bbc.co.uk is our address. Or you can find us on X, formerly known as Twitter.

EMMA- We’re all about disability and mental health, so if you know someone who might particularly appreciate listening to us then please do tell them. Share us on your own social media as well, why don’t you?

NIKKI- Until next time, goodbye people.

EMMA- Goodbye.

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