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JAQUI: I confused my neighbours no end, a lovely old couple next door to me, but I confused them! (laughing)听 They thought I had a lady picking up my car and borrowing my car every now and then because I was going out in the evenings and going down to a pub I go to.听 It's a pub called the Fox and Hounds and I suppose they've been my saviour in a way.听 It's a place where they have an evening on a Wednesday night, where they dedicate it to transgender people in any way, form, size, sex or whatever, you know.听 It's somewhere you can go and chat to other people that have got the same views on life and had similar sorts of experiences or whatever. LESLEY: So has it been a lifeline for you, the pub? JAQUI: Yes it has.听 When I moved here I thought, right, I'm going to start a new life now.听 This is the time when I need to speak to somebody.听 I went to the doctor, I broke down, it was a man doctor and I broke down in front of him and I couldn't help it. | "You're a woman but you've got this deformed body, it sounds very crude, this deformed body that looks like a man." | | Jaqui |
I said, look, I don't know what's happening here, really I think I'm transsexual - I said that to him just like that.听 'Oh, right, okay.'听 I could see he was totally out of his depth (laughing).听 'Tell me about it', he said looking at his watch! LESLEY:听 You must have rehearsed that because when you go to the doctor with something you're not sure about you rehearse and rehearse and rehearse. JAQUI: Well you do, but even so when you get there and you do it it all blurts out.听 I went dressed in a pair of jeans and a top, I didn't have my hair on, I like to call it my hair, not my wig, because it's mine you see. He took me very seriously obviously and he said okay, I need to refer you to somebody.听 The next thing was I had a letter from a specialist at Ipswich Hospital.听 Basically he was a psychologist and I spent some time with him.听 On the first visit he said I feel I need to refer you to somebody else and also I feel I need to refer you directly to Charing Cross hospital. I thought, oh well....that's it then!听 At Charing Cross hospital there's a gender clinic, it's where they perform most of the gender operations, for any reason.听 It's an NHS hospital.听 He actually said I need to refer you, I feel sure that what you are telling me is definitely how you feel and the way you need to be, but I'm not going to push you in any direction...do you feel in your mind you're doing the right thing? He actually put the ball in my court to say do you think I should refer you to Charing Cross? I said: so soon? so quick? And I was a bit shocked, totally shocked by it.听 So everybody was taking me so seriously.听 They seemed to be more serious than I was at the time. LESLEY: So how did you come out of that point feeling, were you over the moon? JAQUI: Absolutely elated, I felt like I was walking on a cushion of air.听 I felt like I'd just passed an exam, because I thought, wow - things are really happening.听 This is probably what I've been wanting all my life....not probably this IS what I've been wanting all my life. LESLEY: Did you wonder why you hadn't done it before? JAQUI: Absolutely I was thinking, I'm 57 now, for goodness sake why have I been through life just muddling through the way I have and pretending to be something I'm not. LESLEY: What would you say to anyone listening at the moment who almost recognises or almost feels that maybe that's how they feel... JAQUI: You just need to speak to somebody, go and see your GP..you might feel daft, stupid, idiotic, ridiculous...just go and see your GP, because quite honestly, it's not like the old days, they're not going to lay you on a bed and give you electric shock treatment or anything like that.听 They're going to take you really seriously because it's a very serious matter.听 It's a life and death matter, it really is.听 In this situation you do feel suicidal, you really do, because you just don't know what you are and what you're doing in life.听听 Being transgendered is not a sexual thing, I think transsexual is totally the wrong word, it gives the wrong innuendoes, it says sexual.听 It's not sexual at all, it's a gender thing, somewhere in transition from one gender to the other. People look at gender in a very black and white view, you've got male, you've got female, and that's it, you're either one or the other.听 I've said this to a lot of people, there's a lot in between that.听 If you've got a piece of body which women don't have, you're definitely male and if you've got something else you're female. LESLEY:听 Is there really that woman in a man's body trying to get out?听 Is that really how it is? JAQUI: Yeah, it's a cliche, but it's absolutely true, that is exactly it. You're a woman but you've got this deformed body, it sounds very crude, this deformed body that looks like a man. | 
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