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Well, the real truth is a lot less dramatic, but kind of fascinating in its own right. Last night was the last of this year's Eden Sessions, and if there was ever a situation needed to illustrate the true meaning of the term 'mixed bag', it's a concert which starts with the post-Libertines guitar howl of Dirty Pretty Things, and ends with the Pet Shop Boys.

And the near-beating thing happened during Dirty Pretty Things's set, which is probably what you'd expect. Of the two bands, DPT would, to a prejudiced eye, probably have the kind of fans who might get a bit lairy. But just wait and let me explain what happened, and then we'll just see, OK?

OK. So the thing with Dirty Pretty Things is that they are very cool. And their onstage stance is very heroic and designed to inspire instant devotion and passion in people who like their guitar bands to be legendary and iconic. Trouble is, in the daylight, with the wind tousling the hair of everyone present, cool melts like a chocolate tissue on a hot day, and all the iconic strutting in the world won't help.

This plus the fact that DPT were trying out what felt like their entire new album (as yet unheard), made enjoying what they were doing a bit tricky. That's when the mind starts to take notice of irrelevant things, things which are not pretty, but still dirty...

First Irrelevant Thing:
Are the Dirty Pretty Things auditioning for jobs at an indie lapdancing club? I only ask because they all came on stage with a variety of coats and scarves on, and after every song, another item of clothing would come off. Drummer Gary ended the show topless, while Carl Barat - a man who is considered to be a heartthrob in indie circles - stripped off his orange hoody, to reveal a grubby white vest underneath. Yum. Yum.

Second Irrelevant Thing:
Have you ever been in a large crowd of people, and then suddenly noticed that the people in front of you (who look a bit like the Twang) are talking about you, but trying to stop you from noticing? And have you then noticed that of the five men and one woman standing in front of you, at least three of them have exactly the same face. Like not just brothers, but actual clones of each other? And have you then realised that they're all a bit drunk, and in high-spirits, and maybe them pointing at you in an exaggeratedly secret fashion isn't going to end with them all suddenly going "SURPRISE" and presenting you with a cake? No?

Just me then.

So, having seen out the Dirty Pretty experience watching grown men pretend to hump each other, and balance drinks in the hoods of the people in front of them...and then moved cos of the pointing and general threatening air, the Pet Shop Show was a blessed relief.

Clearly those nasty rough boys would have run off to the bar at the first hint of flamboyance, or the lack of real guitars and real drums, or the male dancers. Or at the bit when the dancing top hat came out. Or when Neil Tennant was dressed like a camp dictator. Or when they did 'Shopping', or 'Rent', or any of the more emotionally complex, or massively un-blokey Pet Shop Boys songs.

So you can imagine the shock when, having decided to get closer to Chris Lowe's end of the stage to see whether he was actually playing his synth or just watching DVDs on the big screen (either one would've been just FINE BY ME, but I wanted to know), I discovered a group of familiar face in front of me once again.

By now, everything had changed. Rather than play practical jokes on each other and attempt to pick fights with innocent bystanders, the family Oneface were now all hugging each other, raising their plastic glasses to the skies and bellowing along with 'West End Girls', 'It's A Sin', and most bizarre of all, 'Go West'. Suddenly they didn't seem quite so threatening any more, and it was all thanks to a fey synth duo and their amazing electropop back catalogue.

It also goes to show you can't judge people on appearances...well, I say appearances plural...it was just the one appearance really. But you couldn't judge those people on that appearance. No way.

That, sirs, would be the action of a numbskull, a popinjay, and, yes, a NINCOMPOOP of the FIRST ORDER!

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Full gallery of Dirty Pretty pix at the ³ÉÈËÂÛ̳ Cornwall website...
And Pet Shop pics too...

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More ChartBlog reports from Eden:
Lily Allen...
Amy Winehouse...
Rufus Wainwright...
James Morrison...