Cracker-Jacker!
Every Christmas Day, we all sit around the table, ready to chow down on the turkey (or whatever vegetarian options have been created instead), and anticipating the HILARIOUS FUN which always comes when you burst open your cracker, put the hat on (for 10 seconds, tops) break the toy, and then unroll the joke. Christmas cracker jokes are not like other jokes. For starters, they're not funny. I mean really epically unfunny. The kind of scale of unfunniness that is only really visable from space, that's how massively unfunny they are.
And yet...
What if you could have Christmas cracker jokes which were of a similar standard, right, but were about pop stars? That would be...er...that would be...different, right? And nothing says 'Happy Christmas' better than pretending to laugh at a joke which deserves nothing better than a swift knee in the goolies and a boot out of the front door.
I tell you what though, these things are hard to start writing, but once you get going, it's almost impossible to stop!
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Which member of Girls Aloud is most likely to cry if her backstage water isn't the exact right temperature?
Cheryl Needy
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Where does Lisa Scott-Lee get sent when she's being told off?
The naughty Step
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Who is the swottiest member of Destiny's Child?
Beyonce Knowall
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What do you call a Spice Girl attempting to attract your attention in a railway station?
Victoria Beckon
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What do you serve at a Sugababes leaving do?
A Mu-tier cake
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What do you call a man you dig up out of the ground, then dip in a hot beverage, made for a man with a big crane?
Peat Docker-tea
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What do you call a vermin pop group?
The Lice Girls
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Which popstar owns lots of cheap wood panelling?
Justin Timber-fake
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Which indie band should make your Christmas dinner?
The Cooks
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What do you call a band in a raincoat with wings?
Mac-Fly
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What do you call a popstar who spilt her drink all over her top?
Amy Wine-blouse
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Which is the smelliest indie band?
The Phew
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Which member of Take That is the best at correcting your homework?
Mark
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Which member of Take That is the easiest to scare?
Coward
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Which member of Razorlight is made out of rubber?
Johnny
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What do you call a greedy emo boy?
Pete Wantz
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Which indie band would you use to help assess the true value of a very small amount of stuff?
The Smidgeon Detectives
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On which street do My Chemical Romance live?
Gerard Way
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What do you call a man who can balance cow-poo on his head, while standing on a fallen tree?
Pat-trick Stump
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Which rapper would you least like to receive as a Christmas present?
Lethal Puzzle
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Which popstar goes well with sausages?
Kate Mash
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Which popstar comes from another planet?
Lily Alien
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Who's the weakest member of Girls Aloud?
Cheryl Weedy
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Which popstar makes you flatulent?
Mariah Curry
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Why would you hire a dead rapper to help you move house?
To pack
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Which Spice Girl has the wobbliest bum?
Jelly Halliwell
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Which pop star has the biggest collection of dead insects?
Flea-owner Lewis
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Which pop group is most likely to take holy orders?
Girls Avowed
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Which rapper has a curly tail, a snout and a bad attitude?
Notorious PIG
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Which of the Spice Girls likes dying her hair black and listening to MCR?
Emo Bunton
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Which singing star won't go all the way?
Celi-Bassey
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Which popstar is dead good at DIY?
Ri-hammer
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Which popstar will work for fish?
Sealion Dion
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Which UK rapper never calls his mum, even after she's left loads of messages?
Busy Rascal
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Which popstar is handy when walking your dog?
A-leash-a
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Which pop star is handy when walking your dog to the shop to buy a telly?
A-leash-a Dixons
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Over to you, brainiacs!
Comments
Big groans all round
Still funnier than Catherine Tate though
How about;
-Which pop star goes well with scampi?
-John Lemmon
OR
-Which pop star sank the Titanic?
-Chris de (Ice) Burgh
OR EVEN
-What's the difference between Michael Jackson and Casper the friendly ghost?
-One is a pale ghoul who scares children, the other is Casper the friendly ghost!
[Haha! I told you, it's addictive isn't it? - Fraser]
oh wow SarahLM, love the Michael Jackson one! Very funny!
Lol at the jokes btw Fraser...some awesome ones there! I got a joke in my christmas cracker the other day that made me groan it was:
what do you call a donkey with three legs?
a wonkey!
:P
Deary me, there are some truly awful one's in there. Fortunately these are outweighed by a lot of absolute gems, with Justin Timber-Fake being my fave.
Right, my turn:
Which Spice Girl would you find in the ocean?
Mel Sea
Which hip-hop star will one day grow into a grand oak tree?
Akorn
Now I've got the hang of this, time for a couple of decent ones.
Which boyband would you find floating around in a dimly lit, little known river?
Backstream Buoys
Which Pop Star would you find in a region of France playing with prehistoric hunting tools?
Brittanny Spears
Fraser, you're right this IS addictive. It's my new favourite game.
I'm glad the Jacko one is raisng some chuckles, but I'm afraid i can't take credit for that it, that was thought up by a colleague!
-Which pop star was a sheep in a previous life?
-Ronan Bleating (durrr!)
-Which pop star was a government agent in '80's era West Germany?
-Ana-STASI-A! (too politickal?)
-What do you call a pop star who keeps recycling Beatles songs?
-Noel Gallagher (write something original ya thieving Manc monkey!)
[I remember his grandad, who used to recycle Christmas carols. They called him The First Noel Gallagher. - Fraser]
OOPS! Please excuse my historical boo-boo, I went to the pub at lunch and I'm starting to feel the effects
Joke number two should read, Which popstar was a government agent in '80s era EAST Germany? Hope David Starkey doesnt read this!
Which indie band has discovered a market for an unethical natural product in the Paris fashion scene?
France Fur-demand
Which pop star has finally learnt some humility?
Meeker
Which pop star might have looked up if she overheard a proof-reader talking to himself before signing off the final version of a medieval manuscript?
Pristine...er...a quill error.
Help! Make them stop!!!
Which American female singer do you book after eating out for the evening?
(Black) Mariah Curry
no
LOVE RADIO 1!!
Plus the jokes on here are quite bad?! Some made me laugh.... but others... well.... i wont say!
Ha
Im One Of Those People Who Find All Jokes Funny.
So Yes..
I Found Some Of Them Quite Hilarious.
The Worst Ive Heard Though Has To Be
'' Two Sausages In a Frying Pan,
Sausage One: Coorrr Its Hot In Here
Sausage Two: Ahhh A Talking Sausage''
At The Time It Was Funny :D
haha
wat did 1 lift say 2 the other...
...i fink im coming down with something
OK, I've got another one:
Which rock band would you find useful to teach farmyard sounds to children?
Moos
Hee hee! (Just putting a laugh in there as a safety measure, in case nobody else does!)
Hattie Sykes
i totally agree with you bout the egg&sausage joke
it was on Spoonys show on a sturday mornin (ah memories)
i was in the car woth my mum and we foundit hilarious
now it just makes people laugh cos i laugh so much when im tellin them it
and my silly voices may help!
x
OMG Hattie Sykes i found that sausage joke hilarious!!! am i a loser then???
I thought so....
xxxxx