Lyriscope - Dizzee Rascal
You know when you get a Christmas present, and it's something you really wanted, but somehow, over the course of playing with it a couple of times, it changes from being a fun thing to do to a bit of chore, and winds up on a shelf getting dusty?
Well, in some ways, having a Lyriscope is like that. In theory, attempting to live the reality of the lyrics to a hit song sounds like great fun. In reality, well, those tricky readings are not easy to get. This report, in which we attempt to examine the words to 'Dance Wiv Me' by Dizzee Rascal, has been particularly hard work, so forgive me if I don't linger with the introduction.
Go on, get reading!
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Lyric: "I been keeping my eye on your movement,
I can't see no room for improvement"
The science of Lyriscopery demands very precise measurements of the text from which you are working. One wrong plural, a tense in the wrong place, and the entire study can collapse like over-cooked microwave scrambled egg. So you can imagine my feelings when a rogue smudge on my transcript changed "movement" to "movements". I won't describle the chain of horrific events which followed from such a simple mistake, but I will admit to a new-found respect for the work of Dr Gillian McKeith, plus a number of interesting new bruises.
Lyriscope Reading: 1.3
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Lyric: "You need to let me get behind your backbone"
Thankfully, my thorough grounding in science (how do you think the Lyriscope got built in the first place?) made training up as a chiropractor less of a challenge than it would be for others. And really, there is no finer way to get behind someone's backbone than to re-align all the little joints and loosen their stiff muscles. There isn't a single one of us who doesn't need that kind of support, right?
Lyriscope Reading: 4.9
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Lyric: "Now it's murder on the dance floor
I want to take this further than the dance floor"
This couplet required a trip to the police station to find out what, legally, is 'further' than murder. There are a few things, but they are profoundly distressing in nature, and really, if I was to even attempt to recreate them, even under laboratory conditions, I may find myself locked away forever before I'd even got the mop out. So we have to assume that in this case, Dizzee doesn't mean "take it further" in the sense of "doing the same thing only better". No he means extending the circumference of murder from the dancefloor out into the rest of the club, so that eventually everyone is murdered. Frustratingly there are no clubs within a reasonable distance that will allow me to test this theory properly, so the Lyriscope reading is annoyingly low.
Lyriscope Reading: 1.3
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Lyric: "It's not a long ting, you're the boom ting
Maybe more than a hotel room ting"
After some exploratory work, and careful experimentation, using a certain Mancunian pop band and a ruler, I can exclusively reveal the true meaning of this cryptic phrase. It transpires that Katie White is the long Ting (it's the hair, you see), and Jules de Martino is the boom Ting, on account of his drumming work. Both of them have been known to stay in hotel rooms, so by rights they are both hotel room Tings, so if you had MORE than a hotel room Ting, it would be both of them, plus someone else from an adjacent room...possibly Justing Tingberlake? or Ting-berland?
Lyriscope Reading: 3.5
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Lyric: "Look at those thighs, it's in her eyes"
Again, for reasons of space I can't go into how long it took me to find a contortionist who can actually put her thighs in her eyes, but what I can say is that they were glad of my chiropracting experience afterwards.
Lyriscope Reading: 4.2
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Lyric: "No matter how I look at it, you look good to me
Still, I'm looking for the perfect view"
Several of the following readings have been taken in a night-club situation, all the better to fully test out how well Mr Rascals amorous words actually work in the field. What I have discovered is that depending on how you yourself look - and really, a lab coat and safety goggles are not the right clothing for approaching attractive people in night-clubs - you can probably get away with the first half of this lyric, but the second bit never fails to undermine your good work. It's the word "still" which does it. Anything you say after that will result in your lab coat being stained with thrown beverages.
Lyriscope Reading: 2.6
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Lyric: "You bought new shoes and you did up your hair
You made a real effort tonight and it shows"
See above. Funny how some compliments sound more like insults, isn't it?
Lyriscope Reading: 4.5
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Lyric: "I really want to dance so I guess I'll just ask"
Surprisingly painful, constant rejection, isn't it?
Lyriscope Reading: 2.4
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Lyric: "If I'm out on my own then I can look at you, looking at me
If I'm out on a date, then I just shut my eyes, then I can't see"
The tick-sheet on my clip-board reads as follows:
Out on my own: TICK
Looking at you: TICK
Looking at me: CROSS
Out on a date: CROSS
Shut my eyes: TICK
Cannot see: TICK
I think we've all learned something here today...
Lyriscope Reading: 3.9
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Lyric: "Get away from the bar
Tell your boyfriend to hold your jar"
A jar? For what? Jam? A urine sample? This experiment has had such a wide variety of outcomes, none of which have been pleasant (or particularly hygenic) that it's best just to pretend none of it ever happened and put all my clothes in a hot wash. Again.
Lyriscope Reading: 2.1
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Lyric: "I see you glance at me, that's why I'm asking B"
B has confirmed that you were indeed glancing at me. This has also been independently verified by security camera footage, so don't try to weasel out of it just because I was begging you to dance with me for TWO HOURS, OK?
Lyriscope Reading: 1.9
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Lyric: "I've got my right eye right where it needs to be"
Which, you have to admit, is good to know. I also have my right eye right where it needs to be, in my right eye socket. This is the easiest Lyriscope challenge ever.
Lyriscope Reading: 5.0
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Lyric: "So don't stop doing what you do when you do it
I just wanna be a part of it when you do it"
Nope. No idea.
Lyriscope Reading: 0.001
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Lyric: "Just spark up your shades, put your skills on show"
He clearly means welding skills. No-one seems to have brought any examples with them, so it's a hard one to put to the test. Luckily I pre-empted this problem by visiting a ship-yard on the way into town. It's fair to say that welders seem to look more kindly on a man in a lab coat than clubbers do.
Lyriscope Reading: 3.6
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Lyric: "Come and dance with me
Come and dance with me
Come and dance with me
Come dance with me"
OK, OK, I'll stop now. Please put the pepper spray down. GAH! Can someone point me towards the door?
Lyriscope Reading: 2.6
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TOTAL LYRISCOPE READING: 4.1
Conclusion: Oww! Tdis ishaRD totupe ASS i cann@t see a f*&%00g thing. All I wsnt tp sai is Divvee Rapscal diserves evirry penny hi gets. Musdt go lye duwn.
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Previous Lyriscope Readings
Mariah Carey - 'Touch My Body'
Nickelback - 'Rock Star'
Justin Timberlake - 'Lovestoned'
Kate Nash - 'Foundations'
Fergie - 'Big Girls Don't Cry'
Comment number 1.
At 21st Jul 2008, HG wrote:I'm impressed by Dizzee Rascal's overall score. I would have thought the lyriscope* would have imploded at the sheer bufoonary and vanity of the subject specimen. The jar section and all of the chorus burn my ears as musical poetry with the levels of annoying, and I commend your bravery in attempting to further our knowledge in this field.
*(it's name makes it sound like it could be quite painful in the wrong hands, doesn't it?)
{My perception of this song may be coloured by the fact that it's been running round my head for a goodly portion of the last two weeks, generally getting in the way and making a nuisance of itself.}
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