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As has been well documented elsewhere, including ³ÉÈËÂÛ̳ Radio Cornwall, Cornwall Council is trying to encourage the Tortoise Garden at Sticker, near St Austell, to apply for a zoo licence. Joy Bloor, owner of the Tortoise Garden, is resisting. It begs the question: what is a tortoise?

I love stories like this - you really can't make them up. Just imagine Defra Secretary of State Caroline Spelman grappling with the complexities of of her own department's Circular 02/2003 - Zoo Licencing Act 1981: is a tortoise as domesticated as a Vietnamese pot bellied pig? Or a hamster, or guinea-pig? Probably more user-friendly than a camel or water buffalo. I honestly don't know - and neither do the politicians.

One politician who clearly hasn't got a clue is the multi-millionaire non-dom expelled-from-Eton Conservative MP for Richmond Park, Zac Goldsmith. Zac has written a very bossy letter, on official House of Commons notepaper, to Lord Teverson - demanding action.

Most readers of this blog will know that Lord Teverson is also Robin Teverson, Liberal Democrat Cornwall Councillor for St Mewan. Zac's letter, addressed to Robin at the House of Lords, seeks assurances about the welfare of two tortoises - Zac helpfully identifies them by their (first?) names, Carnelian and Ruby.

And with all the confidence of someone born to it, Zac then demands of Robin: "some reassurance from you that all will be done" to protect the Tortoise Garden. Robin is understandably irritated - the Cornwall Council member with responsibility for all this is Conservative cabinet member Lance Kennedy.

Never mind the VAT increase. Forget about all those schools which won't now be rebuilt or repaired, or any of the other public spending cuts which, deep down, most Liberal Democrats probably don't approve of. If there's anything likely to undo the coalition, it'll be tortoises.