成人论坛

1) Women who attended single-sex schools earn more than those who were taught in mixed schools.

2) Barbie's full name is Barbie Millicent Roberts.

3) A Smurf is three apples tall.

4) Mosquitoes have a sweet tooth, a weakness to be exploited by an anti-malaria project.

5) Four of the top 10 people on the Forbes rich list derive their wealth from the Wal-Mart chain.

6) Eating a packet of crisps a day is equivalent to drinking five litres of cooking oil a year.

7) More than one in four pupils have played truant from school in the past year.

8) Pearl and Dean's a-pa-pa pa-pa theme tune, played in cinemas before the ads, is called Asteroid.

9) Plant seeds that have been stored for more than 200 years can be coaxed into new life.

10) There were no numbers in the very first UK phone directory, only names and addresses. Operators would connect callers.

[8. Guardian, 13 September] Thanks to Tony Janes, Herts, for sending the picture.

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So Sir Richard Branson is going to ? Why doesn't he just make Virgin a non-profit organisation, cut the price of tickets accordingly, thus encouraging people to make more use of climate-friendly (so we're told) public transport?
Chris R, Cambridge, UK

Re: . The use of the single initials, 'I' & 'J', to refer to the plaintiffs in this article was mischievious and led to some ambiguity. Several times, it appeared we were being treated to the writer's own experience or viewpoint. Very subversive, full marks. I wonder if I would have found quite so funny?
Nick Jones, Dorking, UK

- surely a contender for Ironic Headline of the Week?
DS, Bromley, England

Perhaps we'll find out who "the woman answering the door in Out in the Cold" is in next week's 10 things...
Tom, Bristol

Re Caption Competition: Perhaps the winning caption should have been: "Magazine introduces new format for Caption Competition entries"?
Jim, Aldershot, England

. No, really?
HTFB

There was no way I could resist calculating how many telephone boxes are required to fill an Olympic size swimming pool: "Figures from Mintel reveal that we eat a tonne of crisps every three minutes in the UK. This would be enough to fill a telephone box every 43 seconds and an Olympic size swimming pool every 14 hours" (from ). The answer, in case you're interested, to one decimal place is 1172.1.
Ian, Cosenza, Italy

To add to the bar code dimensions debate, it could be argued that standard bar codes are actually three dimensional because they have a depth in the layer of ink used to print them. Therefore, they could be 1D, 2D or 3D depending on your point of view. In fact, given that they exist more than momentarily you could also say they were 4 dimensional.
Rich, Whiteley, UK

In Thursday's letters (!) Iain from Macclesfield wrote: "The thing about pendantry is that it helps to be right." I think he'll find that's "pedantry".
Ed, Clacton-on-Sea, UK

Re: Iain and Peter - I was pedantic on Wednesday and ate some nice humble pie on Thursday. I know I'm on a hiding to nothing here, but... does anyone have a good entry for this situation?
Phil, Angus, Scotland

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It's time for the caption competition.

This week, a cardboard cut-out of Liberal Democrat leader, Sir Menzies Campbell, is covered with Post-It notes at the party conference.

Here are the winning entries. You can see the runners-up (ie: losers) by clicking on the word Comments.

1. Wilf
Only the Liberal Democrats. Everyone else uses the traditional dagger in the back.

2. Steve
鈥淕ive me one, c鈥檓on, just one good reason why we won鈥檛 win the next election!鈥�

3. Heimo
Getting ready for his party speech, Sir Ming tragically misunderstands the meaning of 鈥渢eleprompter鈥�.

4. Stig
The conference had been going well for Ming until he offered to go out and get the coffees.

5. Gillian Eaton
鈥淣o, no, no!鈥� shouted a despairing Ming to the Lib Dem marketing dept, 鈥淚 said make me look like the party鈥檚 post-ER boy!鈥�

6. Kip
Charles still isn鈥檛 talking to Ming then.

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Richard Hammond鈥檚 crash again dominates the papers, including a plethora of concerned friends, info-graphics, aerial photos, instant expert comment from doctors and much punditry about the balance between thrill-seeking and safety.

The Daily Mirror gives another example of the crossover between print and online news, with a full page of e-mailed best wishes, sent in by readers.

Friday鈥檚 Mirror also shows that the tabloids are not going to be excluded from another major part of the news diary 鈥� giving away posters of animals. Not one, not two, not three, not four, but five, yes five, count them, wildlife posters are on offer with a Mirror voucher.

There was also an abundance of eye-catching headlines. The Daily Mail (State of the Planet wildlife DVD) fills its front page with: "SORRY, YOU CAN'T JOIN THE POLICE, YOU'RE A WHITE MALE".

And the Daily Telegraph goes that extra mile with 鈥淲HY DOES THE TATE LIKE A CAN OF FAECES BETTER THAN OUR BERYL, ASK PAINTER'S FANS鈥�. This referred to the non-appearance of Beryl Cook鈥檚 paintings of jolly women in the Tate galleries, when the collections include cans of the aforesaid faeces, produced by Italian artist Piero Manzoni.

There must have been some entertaining first drafts of that particular offering.

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In Friday's Daily Mini-Quiz, the challenge was to identify the name of the Pearl and Dean a-pa pa-pa theme tune. The most popular choice was the wrong answer - Shooting Stars - with only 25 per cent guessing correctly that it was Asteroids.

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While it may be too early to say, it seems with already on the Most E-mailed list, the 成人论坛's on-line community has found a suitable replacement for the Sudan Goat story. Only time will tell...
TS, Croydon, England

The obvious response to is: "Stop inviting people to awards ceremonies when they're not going to win anything."
dave godfrey, swindon, uk

Clearly my Thursdays are more pedantic than Phil's, see Wednesday's letters. A dimension is something that allows variation, so a line is one-dimensional, a flat space is two-dimensional, add depth and you get 3D. A normal barcode is read from left to right (or right to left) and has no meaning when read up-down so is 1D. The new barcodes have to be read both left-right and up-down (see all those little dots...) so really are 2D.
Peter, Dundee, Scotland

Re: Phil and 2D barcaodes... The thing about pendantry is that it helps to be right. Yes, regular barcodes exist in two dimensions, but they are read in one. Bye!
Iain, Macclesfield, UK

I see If he failed to see something as unsubtle as a Hurricane coming (in 1987), I can not see him being a success in the counter-terrorism role.
Colin Main, Berkhamsted, UK

Re: . I bet his mum and dad are furious.
Phil, Gloucester

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A service highlighting the riches of the daily press.

A black Kate Moss stares from the cover of The (Red) Independent - 鈥淣OT a fashion statement鈥� insists the strapline on the paper鈥檚 Africa issue.

But in a paper guest designed by Giorgio Armani - and with a wall-chart featuring Moss, a woman with fashion entwined in her DNA - can it be anything but?

While the front page bears the stamp of the fashion designer鈥檚 pared-back style, it is harder to spot the Armani aesthetic inside, with faces, facts and figures shoe-horned in around the ads.

And what鈥檚 this? In amongst the articles on the continent blessed and blighted in unequal measure is a full page ad for Armani鈥檚 new perfume. Later, 鈥渄esire meets virtue鈥� in ads for various chic Red products, the purchase of which helps fund the fight against Aids.

Sure, the contribution from each purchase will make a difference. But surely better to bung the 拢150 you might otherwise spend on the Red handset, or the 拢90 on Red trainers, or 拢90-odd on Armani鈥檚 own Red sunglasses - straight into the pot?

And there is but one Africa story in the other papers today, and the Indy doesn鈥檛 even mention it - the unveiling of the fossilised remains of a baby ape-girl from 3.3m years ago, found in Ethiopia and believed to give clues to our evolutionary ancestry.

But Moss, bless her, does look very fetching painted black.

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Wednesday's Daily Mini-Quiz asked what proportion of pop singles are now bought as downloads, according to new sales figures. Almost half of you correctly said 78%; a third thought it was 66%, and a fifth said 91%. Today's mini-question is on the now.

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I see the Royal Mail is now using . Apparently it's going to be called "e-mail".
Sarah Prentice, Birmingham, UK

In reference to your article about - seeing as the first dimension is a fixed point in space, and the second dimension is a line - i.e. something that is seen to travel along an 'x' and 'y' axis, aren't old style bar codes also 'two dimensional' in that they are made up of several lines arranged side by side? Sorry but I get a bit pedantic on a Wednesday.
Phil, Angus, Scotland

How dare Paper Monitor alert us to nude huntswomen in yesterday's Telegraph? It's outrageous. Why didn't you tell us then?
John Thompson, Southport, UK

Admit it, we all think like two-year-olds. Mi鈥檒ords, the evidence: while watching How Do You Solve a Problem like Maria, whenever Andrew Lloyd-Webber came on screen, my toddler turned away. 鈥淣o,鈥� she鈥檇 say. 鈥淣o鈥︹��
Hope, Walthamstow

Re Smurf sizes (Tuesday's letters): in Austria, a small child is "3 cheeses tall" (drei kaese hoch).
Pix6, Vienna, Austria

Regarding , I think it's worth pointing out that you cannot have degrees of infallibility. One is either infallible or not, in the same way that one cannot be slightly pregnant.
Ian, Kent

Re David's observations of Mumbai/Bombay weather (Tuesday's letters), imagine our dismay when Sheffield City has a different forecast to Sheffield, South Yorkshire, despite existing at the same latitude and longitude. And people wonder why I never know what to dress for鈥�
Craig, Sheffield

Stone Me!
(Punorama. Am I too late? Or is it thee?)
Tall Tone, Snowless Essex
MM note: Not too late, but sent via the letters form - so not eligible. We're being cruel to be kind.

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The rules are simple. We choose a story and you write a punning headline for it.

This week was German art student Pablo Wendel, who briefly fooled police by posing as one of China's 2,200-year-old terracotta warriors after jumping into the pit containing them at the heritage site in the ancient capital, Xian.

Judge's verdict

Lots to play with again this week, as well as some strong front runners.

Feat of clay was suggested by Candace, Helene Parry and Nick Jones, while Statue of Imitations was sent in by Darren, Jon Bright and the interestingly named Pix6.

Another firm favourite was Terragotcha. It, along with some slight variations on the theme , was suggested by Neil, Susan, One Eyed Owl and Eddie H - to name just a few.

Terracotta Barmy also kept popping up and those who suggested it include Chris W, Steve Ferguson, Mark Wrighton and Lee Pike.

Some real sparks of genius came from Bryn Roberts with Glazed and Confused and Stone the Pose from Simon Rooke. But there was one clear winner in Magzine Monitor's mind - Amateur Ceramics from Gareth Jones. Bravo.

Losers click here.

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A service highlighting the riches of the daily press.

The size zero model debate rumbles on, with London Fashion Week fanning the flames of ire (and providing a good excuse to run lots of pictures of pretty girls wearing not an awful lot).

The Sun goes about this with its 鈥渟tick insect of the day鈥� feature, with not one but two waif-like creatures in today鈥檚 paper. As one struts her stuff in a barely-there jumpsuit by Sir Paul Smith, the paper asks the designer why he hired a barely-there model to match: 鈥淎gencies might start considering girls a little bit bigger.鈥� You tell 鈥榚m, Sir Paul.

The Times points out that none of the models in his show was close to a size 12. (Were they ever?)

The Daily Telegraph, which yesterday plastered model du jour Lily Cole across its front page (and plumptious huntswomen in the nuddy for charity inside), today asks a plus-size lovely her thoughts.

With a body mass index of 26.4 - a good 10 points above catwalk queens Kate, Naomi et al - Charlotte Coyle sees no problem with the naturally thin girls, but says she can spot those with eating disorders: 鈥淭heir bones are sticking out everywhere, their faces are emaciated and their eyes are saying 鈥榝eed me鈥�.鈥� But no, she does not name names.

Meanwhile, the Daily Mirror has Madonna and her new hairstyle! And you know, Paper Monitor cannot help but think it looks familiar. That鈥檚 right! Posh has almost the same style, but had it first. Unlike the Queen of Pop to come second.

Finally, advance warning of a new front in the wall-charts battle. After the Guardian and Independent staged a pitched battle on the educational front last week - I鈥檒l see your edible forest berries and raise you one assemblable human skeleton - the Indie goes for an unashamed pitch for the lads 鈥榥鈥� dads market鈥� Kate Moss. Presumably pre-assembled.

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In Tuesday's Daily Mini-Quiz, readers were asked to spot the odd man out - who wasn't celebrating their 43rd birthday. This divided the birthday cake evenly among readers, 33 per cent guessing Jarvis Cocker, 39 per cent opting for David Seaman - and with 28 per cent correctly identifying the non-birthday boy as Johnny Depp, who was 43 earlier this year.

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It's interesting to see that a frozen food firm has decided to give . I look forward to the lesson that explains that chickens come from eggs (or is it vice-versa)?
Nick Rikker, Barcelona, Spain

Re: I could not help noticing on the way to work, that in the last 12 months or so, our local pie shop does a roaring trade between 8am and 8.45 am mostly on school weekdays for some reason, Jamie.
Liam Reilly, Warrington

Re Has anyone considered the fact that these companies spend an awful lot of money sending us junk mail, cold calling and sending salesmen to our door? If not you should consider why they do this. They get a good return on it. If we as a country stopped buying from junk mail, cold callers et al maybe they would stop doing it. Its our own fault for being so easily persuaded.
Gareth, Ipswich

Re , in which it is said that a Smurf is three apples tall. Ho no they're not say the irate Belgian! "Three apples tall" is a bad translation of a French colloquialism (haut comme trois pommes) that means very small indeed. Anyone who's read the books, seen the cartoons in the cinema or on telly know that they are around five inches tall... small squished apples maybe?
Matthieu Vermeren, Cambridge

Why is the 成人论坛 website weather forcast for Mumbai different to the one for Bombay?
David, UK

Arrr, it be national 'speak like a pirate day'. Be sure to honour such a piratey day, me beauties.
Craig, London

Exactly have long will the Magazine Monitor's "new look" be a 'new look' for?
Howard, London

Regarding the story '' . I had trouble getting through The Silmarillion too.
John Brown, Belgium

Re: How to say... Could someone please advise us how to pronounce Martha Figueroa-Clark's name?
Ian, Kent

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A service highlighting the riches of the daily press.

Poor old Ming Campbell. With old being the key word. The papers have a token stab at previewing Lib Dem tax policy, but it's his attempts to get down with the kids on conference opening day that grabs the coverage.

An awkward picture of the party leader on Brighton seafront with "Ming's minxes" occupies a full five-column spread in the Times, and six in the Telegraph. As Ann Treneman observes, the visual stunt is "an idea that is not going to work". Indeed, he looks less like a colleague and more like a granddad, zimmered-in from nearby Eastbourne.

But what of what he had to say? Unfortunately a question and answer session also displayed the cruel signs of ageing. In an "informal chat", Sir Menzies, made the predictable politician's attempt to look hip, by referencing the Arctic Monkeys. Plus there were some wild and inaccurate claims about their record sales outstripping the Beatles, false by-election wins, Coronation Street characters and West Wing viewing.

And all this with a slimline Charles Kennedy returning to the party. As the Daily Mail shows in a nice sideways shot of him, the reformed ex-leader is looking healthier for his spell "out of the limelight" - as in publicity, not pub.

Life stage troubles of an entirely different nature occupy the red tops as they pore over Chris Tarrant's marital breakdown. All go for a paparazzi-style splash with head-in-hand pictures of wife Ingrid as she left their home yesterday. All speculate that Tarrant will be less of a multi-millionaire if they divorce over his affair. There is a chink of light for the couple in the Mirror - Ingrid tells the paper claims that the marriage is over are "rubbish". But a dark cloud of female reckoning gathers at the Sun - it says she plans to hire Princess Diana and Heather Mills-McCartney's divorce lawyer.

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Monday's Daily Mini-Quiz asked for the biggest-selling single in the UK. A narrow majority, 52 per cent, correctly identified Elton John's Candle in the Wind '97.

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When I read , I wondered why the parents don't just open the gates and let the pupils walk through.
Rob Foreman, London, UK

Re today's headline in the Guardian "[Pope's] apology [to Muslims] offends Jews". - we hardly need the Onion any more.
Edward Higgins, Plumstead

I'm confused. The Archbishop of Canterbury . But last week those people who wrote to the Daily Telegraph said . (PS. I'm not really 10, I'm actually much older, but I'm so immature I pretend to be a precocious child.)
Felix, aged 10, Nottingham

All this talk of new Conservative party logos made me want to see for myself and I : "The party had planned to unveil the long-awaited design next week. But it decided to bring the launch forward after images - taken from passes for next month's party conference in Bournemouth - appeared on websites." Not on , which still has their old logo. Oops.
Manon, Johannesburg

The Conservative logo....doesn't it look like a sign for a nursery school?
Daniel Newland, Coulsdon, UK

Thank you to World Editor Adam Curtis who explained the Sudan Goat mystery on the Editors' blog and has provided the best pun of the day.
Colin, Thatcham

As I checked today to see if the Sudan Goat story was still on the "Most E-mailed List", I noticed that it wasn't, but that there was a story about the work of Banksy. This leads me to speculate the theory that the Sudan Goat story's presence on the list for so long may actually have been the work of Banksy.
DS, Bromley, England

I wish the 成人论坛 would stop using,'More soon', on the Headline Ticker. Especially when articles relate to numbers of people killed. More soon.
Peter , Cardiff

I met an old cyclist who'd been up before the beak for "furious pedalling" (10 Things We Didn't Know This Time Last Week). He was riding a fixed wheel (with three others) an they got up behind a bus (drafting it for extra speed). As the bus came into a village (this was in Hampshire or Wilts) the four cyclists popped out from behind and went stonking through the village. As they passed the village bobby - he stopped them and went through the motions. (I was expecting a similar charge, coming down off Ditchling Beacon into Brighton on the London to Brighton ride I tripped a 40MPH speed camera, the lad behind me did it too (his speedo had 52MPH). I still haven't had the photo or the summons from Sussex Police.)
Dougie Lawson, Basingstoke, UK

In 1938 my uncle was demoted from corporal in the Welsh Guards for 'idle cycling'. His crime was to stop pedalling and free wheel while in uniform.
Owen, Chelmsford England

There have been many comments here on your teal plumage, but I've always loved the way visited links on the 成人论坛 site go a bored, slightly faded shade of navy, and am relieved the new Magazine carries on the tradition.
Chandra, London, England

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A weekly guide to names and words in the news, from Martha Figueroa-Clark of the 成人论坛 Pronunciation Unit.

"This week's pronunciation is for Nato secretary general Jaap de Hoop Scheffer. His full name is Jakob Gijsbert (Jaap) de Hoop Scheffer, but he is generally known as Jaap de Hoop Scheffer and he himself uses this name to introduce himself in a video clip on Nato's website.

Our recommendation is YAAP duh HOHP SKHEFF-uhr (-aa as in father; -uh as in the; -oh as in no; -kh as in Sc. loch), based on his own pronunciation in the video clip.

There are several features in this name which might cause a monolingual native speaker of English difficulty: the 'j' in Jaap which is sometimes pronounced zh as the 's' in measure or the 'j' in French 'Jean' ; the name Hoop looks like the English word 'hoop' but is pronounced more like the word 'hope' ; finally, the pronunciation of Scheffer in Dutch is SKHEFF-uhr. That is, the s is followed by the fricative sound kh (as in Scottish loch). Since Scheffer is also a German name, the German pronunciation SHEFF-uhr is sometimes heard but this is inappropriate in this case, since the language concerned is Dutch."

(For a guide to our phonetic pronunciations, click here)

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A service highlighting the riches of the daily press.

Cherie Blair can have few more ardent critics than the Daily Mail. So how does the paper treat the story of the bunny ears saga 鈥� in which the prime minister's wife was investigated by the police merely for aiming a mock smack at a 17-year-old boy who'd made a playful gesture while posing for a picture with her? After all, Mrs Blair seems to be the innocent victim here.

But that would be to overlook what this story is really about鈥� how the human rights issue has got completely out of hand. The Mail reminds us that Mrs Blair has long trumpeted human rights in her work as a lawyer. Indeed, the paper points out, Mrs B has defended some very high profile cases in which she has sought to implement human rights law in favour of children

It's a tenuous connection, but that doesn't stop Mail columnist Stephen Glover 鈥� the paper devotes two pages to the story 鈥� from echoing the sentiment.

"In one sense it is fitting that Cherie Blair, though innocent, should have fallen foul of politically correct police. As a lawyer she has been an energetic supporter of human rights鈥�"

The red tops meanwhile, seem to be slugging it out with top footballer exclusives. The Mirror boasts an exclusive interview with Beckham on the front and takes readers to pages four and five, where the chat with Becks is divided into portions entitled "On his boys" and "On the Wags".

The Sun gives almost exactly the same treatment to Rio Ferdinand, although this is a serialisation of his memoirs rather than an interview. On pages four and, yes, five we're treated to Rio "On drug test" and "On the Wags".

The Express disappoints. Not a mention of Diana, looming debt nightmares or house prices on its front page.

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Friday's Mini-Quiz, asking for the world's busiest air route, flew over the heads of most readers - with only 3 per cent correctly identifying the route between Barcelona and Madrid. The figures, from travel information group OAG, are based on the number of flights per week.

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