成人论坛

1. John Prescott's now defunct Office of the Deputy Prime Minister spent 拢5,095 over the past four years on branded pens, carrier bags and note pads for exhibitions and events.

2. Spending on Halloween has risen ten-fold - from 拢12m to 拢120m in the UK, in five years.

3. Elephants can recognise their own reflection, something only before seen in humans, great apes and bottlenose dolphins.

4. Ten-pence is the going rate for clearing up a piece of chewing gum.

5. Coco Chanel started the trend for sun tans in 1923 when she got accidentally burnt on a cruise.

6. Twenty percent of the world's CCTV cameras are in the UK.

7. Up to 25% of hospital keyboards carry the MRSA infection.

8. Eighty-seven public servants earn more than Tony Blair's 拢183,932 salary.More details

9. The UK population grew at a rate of 500 per day last year as immigration out-stripped emigration.

10. During World War II, MI5 invited Daily Telegraph crossword winners to work as code-breakers at Bletchley Park. More details

[8. The Times, 1 November, 10. Daily Telegraph, 1 November.] Thanks to Paul Maplesden for sending the picture of 10 jellyfish at a San Francisco aquarium.

Seen 10 things? .

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Surely the 成人论坛 has surpassed itself with the redundant news that . Surely, they can only
1 - rise
2 - fall or
3 - stay the same.
Cameron Smith, Bath, UK

Am I the only one who has never heard of the colloquialism ""? I just worry that I am becoming squarer than the House of Lords in my old age (25).
Bas, London

It is surprisingly hard to say "ban on cabin baggage鈥�. I keep saying cabbage baggin. My workmates are giving me funny looks...
Robin, Edinburgh

Re the "fishless fish cakes鈥� mentioned in the article on . My sister, who has lactose intolerance, once offered me some of her "dairy-free" ice cream. To which I replied: "So that's ice, then?"
David, Maesteg, South Wales

A Paper Monitor might enjoy...
Sarah, Blyth, UK

How can you tell the first signs of winter? When Paper Monitor starts hankering for a toasted crumpet instead of its usual spring / summer offering of a pain au raisin... anytime now it will be porridge watch II.
Tony Doyle, Holmes Chapel, UK

A toasted crumpet with your morning cuppa? Paper Monitor, are you my Gran?
Jack, Oxford

Re Paper Monitor. It is a truth universally acknowledged that only a girl Monitor would allude to Jane Austen in this way (and the cricket ref was just a red herring).
Pix6, Vienna, Austria

I suspect we are no closer to knowing the sex of Paper Monitor. "Back of the net" is a quotation from Alan Partridge. It is important that you adopt the adenoidal voice whilst quoting and I (demonstrably female) have been known to do precisely that.
Lucy Jones

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It's time for the results of the caption competition.

This week, a Halloween reveller dressed as a toy soldier makes a call in Hong Kong. But what's being said?

1. Glenn J
"Huh. Wouldn't you know it - Greensleeves."

2. Cat
"... Darn! No mouth!"

3. Peter Burrage
"British Army crisis grows, Toys R Us reservists called up.

4. Trudi
"If you require reinforcements, please press one..."

5. Sean Smith
"The TA isn't quite what I expected, Mum."

6. Peter Stagg
"Q, I've found out why I should not have pressed that red button on my watch..."

Thanks to all who entered. To view the losing entries - harsh, but that's what they are - click on the comments below.

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A service highlighting the riches of the daily press.

The Daily Telegraph seems to be undergoing some kind of identity crisis.

On one side of the masthead there鈥檚 Russell Brand, hairy and rebellious, and on the other there鈥檚 Selina Scott, described inside the paper as 鈥減orcelain pretty鈥�. It鈥檚 a kind of tug of love picture - rampaging youth on one side and long-hankered-after romance on the other. Which does the Telegraph wish to pursue?

Inside, the struggle for the paper's soul continues. There鈥檚 more familiar territory - murder, a dog kidnap, a hobbyist with an enthusiasm for television test card music (3,500 recordings). Or else there鈥檚 the great big colour picture of Kate Moss in her underwear.

Meanwhile, newspapers are currently obsessed with all things digital. But how does a paper deliver the equivalent of a click-through to the online world?

The Times gives a front-page plug to its interview with pop performer Jarvis Cocker, which in turn is a plug for its podcast service, which has Cocker as its star turn today. This is a few pages on from a piece about family history, linked to the paper's weekend give-away, a genealogy DVD.

And the Sun鈥檚 account of the garage forecourt car crash - where an elderly customer demolished a pump - is linked to CCTV footage on the paper's website. This is a truth universally acknowledged - if something gets knocked over, you want to see it fall.

Anyone galled by celebrity culture can have their bile refilled by a story in the Daily Express, which reports on the 鈥済oody bags鈥� worth 拢10,000 given to the poor needy pop stars at last night鈥檚 MTV awards.

Last year鈥檚 Oscars鈥� goody bags were worth 拢57,000, says the Express, including essentials such as a free holiday, assorted luxury clothes and gadgets, plus a toaster. Toaster? Do they really need a free toaster? Why not pass it on to the needy, such as Paper Monitor, who rather hankers after a toasted crumpet with its morning cuppa.

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For those who weren't watching other Magaziners tap in their Mini-Quiz results on CCTV, Thursday's big question was: how many times can a person be caught on camera in a day? The right answer - 300. Fifty-five percent of you got it right. And those who got it wrong... we know where you live.

Today's mini-question is on the now.

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Re: . The 成人论坛 helpfully give us aggrieved company's web address so as we crash it some more!
Imogen, London

Re: Today's . Is it true that someone can only be photographed 300 times in a day? Is this a physical or legal restriction? Also, if I take 300 photos of myself, can I then misbehave in front of a CCTV camera with impugnity?
Chris Stocks, Chesham, UK

Talking about the newly revised restrictions on air passenger luggage on 成人论坛 Radio 4's Today programme, this morning, 成人论坛 transport reporter Tom Symonds said: "We still have this ban on cabbage鈥� err, cabin baggage鈥�", thus neatly meshing two Monitor strands 鈥� flexicons and Cabbaging 鈥� in one.
Peter Choudray, Newmarket

Further to Adam's letter yesterday, I go to bed feeling lonely and yet I wake up with no energy. So where does this leave me? Maybe Dr Allan Norris has the answer when he says "sleeping could also be an important factor in giving someone more energy the following day." Really? Wow, thanks for that...
Robin, Edinburgh

Paper Monitor must be male to use terminology like "Back of the net!"
Andy, Leeds, UK

Hmm, seems that Paper Monitor these days reveals more about PM than the papers themselves. Maybe it should be rebadged "Paper Monitor Monitor"?
Callum, Edinburgh

I need a job, does MM need an assistant? I can make coffee, photo copy, laugh at all jokes (regardless of actual humour content), give wonderful foot rubs and will work for minimum wage.
Jez, Amersham, UK

MM note: The Monitor doesn't need anyone to make coffee, Paper Monitor is kind enough to share the contents of the much-discussed checked thermos. Sorry.

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A service highlighting the riches of the daily press.

Paper Monitor鈥檚 body is a temple. Not that it likes to deny itself the finer things in life. So it was with great glee, while supping on coffee from its checked thermos and flicking through the newspapers, that Paper Monitor saw this headline:

CLUES TO LONG LIFE FOUND IN RED WINE - Daily Telegraph

Back of the net!

The Sun reports that mice fed a diet high in the drink and fatty foods were healthy and active. But trust the Independent to rain on the parade - it points out that the human equivalent would be 100 bottles a day.

Now Paper Monitor enjoys a tipple as much as the next man - or woman - but all things in moderation. For waking up in a ditch, minus a kidney but plus a thumping headache, is no way to start the day.

Meanwhile, the Guardian is about to start another trend (yesterday鈥檚 fashion dispatch quite put Paper Monitor in touch with his/her feminine side).

Having been first off the blocks with wallcharts, the paper - like a teenager who ditches the footless tights now even Mum wears them - is about to try a new tactic in the battle of the giveaways.

Its weapon of choice? Stickers! Of Dinosaurs! On Saturday!

Paper Monitor for one will be emptying its coin jar of coppers to be first in the queue at the newsagents this weekend.

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Wednesday's mini-question asked women in which European country spend the most on make-up. It's the UK, where an average of 拢36 a year is spent, which 43% of you correctly answered. A third of you said Poland, and a quarter said Spain. Today's quiz is on the now.

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A whole Paper Monitor entry dedicated to the subject of tights. Can we now, at last, lay to rest the "mystery" of MM's gender?
JFK, UK

Footless tights - further guidance is needed. Do you wear them with socks and sandals? Men throughout the nation have a right to know.
Kip, Norwich UK

Does any one know - does the lack of foot in a pair of tights change their efficacy as a fan belt substitute?
Andy, London

Classic Daily Mail stuff. Front page story complaining of "snoopers" finding out people's salaries. Inside story reporting salary of 拢91,000 paid to Birmingham council employee.
Martin Jordan, Ingatestone

You ask on the front page if there will be ? The answer - without even necessarily mentioning how the Tardis is dimensionally transcendental - is quite clearly yes. Even from the outside it is bigger than three of them.
Basil Long, Newark Notts

Re: . I am surprised that the answer for the question seems so low for the country that is correct. On a typical Friday night in any city half the females have more than that amount on at one outing.
Tim McMahon, Pennar, Wales

With regards Morgan Sexton's Tuesday letter I have a lot of similar definitions from "Professor Branestawm's Dictionary", first published 1973, such as "hirsute" - lady's costume; and "allocate" - a greeting for Catherine. Perhaps other readers have older examples?
Ed Loach, Clacton-on-Sea, UK

James of Stockport and others should be grateful for 成人论坛 pronunciation efforts. The presenter of the six o'clock news here is forever making embarrassing mistakes. The other day, for a story on Pune in India, she happily pronounced it all the way through to rhyme with "tune."
Becca, Auckland, NZ
MM note: According to the pronunciation guide, it is more like poo-na.

The latest research tells us that people who and sad feel more energetic in the morning. Hardly surprising. Presumably they get a better night's sleep than those who go to bed not feeling lonely, who no doubt have better things to do than sleep.
Adam, London, UK

What鈥檚 the point of ? Either they are fish cakes or they are not.
Ian, Cambridge

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We take a story from the news, you write a punning headline. And now it's results time...

For this week's Punorama (which blames its tardiness today on the fact it's still operating on BST*), news that . Researchers in the US made the discovery by studying the behaviour of elephants in front of a tall mirror. Such self-awareness had only been known before in humans, great apes and bottlenose dolphins, scientists say.

Nice work people. You have risen to the challenge, and your influences were many and various.

Childhood favourites always prove a rich seam to mine, and this week鈥檚 efforts include Nellie the Elegant by Marty, Nellievision (Anne R and Pix6) and The Jungle Look (Peter Forrester).

Song and film titles too provide inspiration, with Effigy and ivory and A Merrick-an beauty (both from Helene Parry), Hannibal reflector from Simon Rooke, and Zoo are you? from Gareth Jones.

We also liked An elephant never reflects (Tom Steuart-Feilding and Stella Alvarez), Kenya see me now? by Stig, Oh...THAT's-me-perm! by Jon Bright and Elephant-'tis-I-I-sees by Candace.

But sometimes it is the seemingly simple ones that are the best, as Seen - but not herd by Christina demonstrates.

Thanks to all who entered. Click here for the losing entries.

(*British Columbia Summer Time)

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A service highlighting the riches of the daily press.

For some, the answer is an emphatic "no". For others, it is an equally emphatically "yes". Yet more are now wavering, wondering if their initial assessment was in fact wrong. Perhaps sensing that the nation needs answers, and quick, the Daily Telegraph has devoted almost an entire page to the burning question of our age: "Dare you wear footless tights?"

Summer might have been and gone, but the street trend of that season remains with us. Early adopters might have moved on (or not) but many more have found their resistance wavering in the face of the continuing onslaught.

"We noted them on the catwalks in March and willed them to go away," writes the paper's fashion expert. "Instead, the jumped-up longjohn is more popular than ever... we're floundering in fashion hell, fearing to ask the question: when, if ever, is one too old to wear leggings?"

Now Paper Monitor does wonder if this is a question that has crossed many a Telegraph reader's mind, but the expert verdict is that "it's your legs, not your age, that count".

"Saga editor Emma Soames was recently spotted looking sharp in footless tights, confirming there is no age limit."

And a style guru from New Look recommends that women of un certain age (that'll be all those over 30 then) wear them with a knee-length skirt, ankle boots and a gap between tights and boots to show a bit of skin. "That refreshes the look." Yikes.

Before you rush out and buy a pair with the Telegraph's blessing, be warned. There is a list of rules to be abided by, lest one look foolish and square (any trend that comes with regulations is rarely a good idea in Paper Monitor's book).

But perhaps it can be taken as cautionary that none of the celebs snapped looking gorgeous in - or in spite of - their footless tights have a copy of the Telegraph clamped under one arm.

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Tuesday's Daily Mini-Quiz asked which British icon didn't the Lord Chancellor compare human rights to? It was quite close but 36% of you correctly answered bulldogs. Some 33% went for bitter beer and 31% for The Beatles. Today's DMQ is on the.

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Presumably, Lester Mak's car (Monday letters) doesn't need servicing, MOTing, taxing, insuring, repairing, never has new tyres, brakes, exhausts, windscreen wipers, screen wash or oil, doesn't depreciate and has never gone though a toll bridge or on a ferry; not to forget the 200 other things I have forgotten. My car manages over 40mpg and when I did a precise account came to well over 30p a mile to run.
Ian, Winchester

To Lester Mak - 40p per mile is the standard rate allowed by the Inland Revenue, up to a maximum of 10,000 miles a year, and 25p per mile thereafter. It's not just for petrol costs, but also wear and tear on the car. Incidentally, you get an extra 5p per mile if you have a passenger so maybe they should carpool?
RP, Cambridge

Regarding to your article about from work duties, just thought I'd point out an inaccuracy with your knowledge of this festival. Halloween is not the New Year festival for pagans, which was claimed in much 19th and early 20th Century literature. New Year for them is in in fact celebrated around the 25th of March, as many of my pagan friends tell me every year. What Halloween represents is the "end" of Summer, and the "beginning" of Winter.
Darren Skinner, Stoke-On-Trent

From : "Laura Watling, who is a psycho social science student in her third year." I'm sure that's not very PC.
Sasha, UK

I hope everyone else has relished the choice of - Ascot racecourse - as much as I have.
Helene Parry, South Wales expat to Brentford

Re this week's ..."This week, I've chosen the Italian surname Medici, as it is often the subject of pronunciation-related audience complaints." Isn't it just! Why didn't the Pronunciation Unit grab Bethany Hughes by the scruff of the neck when she made that Radio 4 documentary last year. Why is the Pronunciation Unit not required to audit every pre-recorded program before it is broadcast? Or is it?
James, Stockport

The "How to say" articles always remind me of that Monty Python sketch:
Interviewer: Good evening. I have with me in the studio tonight one of Britain's leading skin specialists - Raymond Luxury Yacht.
Raymond: That's not my name.
Interviewer: I'm sorry - Raymond Luxury Yach-t.
Raymond: No, no, no - it's spelt Raymond: Luxury Yach-t, but it's pronounced "Throatwobbler Mangrove".
John Henry, London, UK

Have we been flexi-conned. I always assumed the idea of combining two old words to form one new one, was a Monitor original, but today I cam across a press notice from DailyCandy boasting ideas for a new travel dictionary. They include "arm restle" - ongoing battle waged with the person sitting next to you on a plane or train over who gets the middle armrest; gabbin pressure - a sense of obligation to chat to the passenger next to you during a flight; and travelanche - the state of affairs when one little thing goes wrong and then everything snowballs towards disaster. Monitorrr!
Morgan Sexton, Ashby de la Zouch

Am I the only one to be fooled by the Mini Quiz today? Yesterday the 成人论坛 told me that the Lord Chancellor would say Human Rights are as British as beer, today the quiz tells they are as British as a bulldog. Is it fair to give us wrong information and then mock us by using it against us in the quiz?
TS, St Albans, Herts

MM: the quiz asks "Which British icon DIDN'T the Lord Chancellor compare human rights to?"

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A service highlighting the riches of the daily press.

Question: How does the Sun 鈥� until now, hardly the most eco-aware of newspapers 鈥� dress up the global warming story into one that might grab its readers?

Answer: By dressing it down, of course. After yesterday's Stern report on the potential catastrophic cost of climate change, the Sun is assuming its eco duty by Photoshopping topless "glamour queen" Keeley green and getting her to offer 10 tips for saving energy. Now, Keeley is not given to cost-benefit analyses of wind turbines versus photovoltaic cells (she can leave that to the Independent, which, in the Stern report, must believe all its Christmases have come at once and has produced a "special issue"). Try this, for example: "Go digital: I insist my sexy pics are taken by digital camera, so invest in one. Film processing and developing uses toxic chemicals and paper."

Given the Sun's other big concern about climate change 鈥� the huge increase in taxes it will doubtless incur 鈥� it's hard to know where the extra cash for such consumables will come from.

Keeley's verdant hue summons thoughts of the Wicked Witch of the West but the papers show little taste for Halloween, with one exception...

Halloween ain't what it used to be. Today it's a 拢120m enterprise, replete with tearaway kids frightening defenceless old folk. Throw in a dash of over-zealous local authority political correctness and the unpalatable fact that it's all a bit, yeugh, American, and what do you get? A Daily Telegraph pg3 lead. Always a treat.

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Magazine readers are clearly not a well-heeled bunch 鈥� at least if Monday's Mini-Quiz responses are anything to go by? With Adam Smith lined up for appearing on the 拢20 note, who, we asked, is on the 拢50: John Houblon, John Dryden, John Milton? It's John Houblon 鈥� the first governor of the Bank of England. Today's DMQ is on the.

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Re Friday's DMQ. Are MPs making money from travel? If an MP gets 40p per mile for car travel, assuming it's an average Merc with fuel economy of 20 mpg, that would equate to 拢8 per gallon of petrol used. Yet the retail cost of petrol per gallon is approximately half that at c. 拢3.90. (85p/litre x 4.54 litres in a imperial gallon), which means that we must be subsidising their cars as well. A bit unfair, isn't it? On an aside, does that mean that David Cameron gets 60p per mile if his car is following with his shoes?
Lester Mak, London

Last week's story a spokesperson for the Samaritans says "we hope that continues to fall because it's still the second highest cause of accidental death in the UK after road traffic accidents." How can it be described as an accidental death, as is the case in this article? Surely, what separates suicide from accidental death is the intent.
TS, Croydon, England

Police in Huddersfield are thus allowing them to charge fourth-time-offenders with the more serious offence of burglary. Here's a radical idea: how about banning them from the stores after their FIRST offence? Do shops really want convicted shoplifters as customers?
Kelly Mouser, Upminster, Essex

I applaud Ian, Horsham, UK, for his valiant efforts to tax and insure a tank. What are they going to do if you don't though? Clamp it or tow it?
Pete C, Birmingham

Slavomir Rawicz - . On top of everything else, born twice?
Ed, Leeds

"The papers and coffee from its traitional checked, platsic design is how MM always starts the day" I think Paper Monitor needs to switch to de-caf!
Sue B, Oxon

I almost missed it. I was introducing a new staff member to Cabbaging when I noticed that the has a new variant - Not Cabbaging.
Peter Allan, London, UK

Re . "The fire service can be called from the red phone boxes outside fire stations."
Jel, Swansea

The comment from Jon Norfield about 10 Red Arrows being a rare sight is actually incorrect. During actual displays, the team do only fly 9 aircraft. However when they transit to a base before a display they ALWAYS fly 10 aircraft - Red 10 flies the spare plane in case of one of the normal nine having a technical problem. Whenever the Red Arrows are away from their base, you will always see one left on the ground as the display team take the other nine to the air. There are thousands of photographs of 10 planes in formation going to a landing base, but this is not part of a normal display.
Geoff Beck, Wimborne, Dorset

Re 10 things, the only thing similar in the UK and Canada, as regards Kellogs Special K, is the box. The contents are quite different. The Canadian (US?) Special K is the same, I think, as the very first version that was produced in the UK, many years ago.
Brian Whyer, High Wycombe

For Sarah of Edinburgh: Lack of caption ability - uncapt?
Elizabeth G, Galveston, Texas

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A weekly guide to words and names in the news from Martha Figueroa-Clarke of the 成人论坛 Pronunciation Unit.

"This week, I've chosen the Italian surname , as it is often the subject of pronunciation-related audience complaints. The Italian pronunciation is MED-itch-i, with stress on the first syllable. As with all our pronunciation advice, this is an anglicised pronunciation which does not reflect the exact vowel length in Italian. Another anglicised pronunciation, med-EE-tchi, is also often heard in English but, while it does appear as a possible variant in English pronouncing dictionaries, it does not closely reflect the native Italian pronunciation and is considered less correct. We therefore recommend the former pronunciation, with stress on the first syllable: MED-itch-i. "

(For a guide to our phonetic pronunciations, click here.)

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It's one battle after another in the papers today. The McCartney saga rumbles with the so-called "Linda Tapes". Literary agent Peter Cox has published details from 20-hours worth of audio tapes made when he was collaborating with Sir Paul's first wife Linda on a vegetarian cook book.

But it's all a bit confusing. According to some papers the "long-lost" tapes give a "fascinating insight into their loving relationship", while others say they reveal Linda considered leaving her husband because she was so unhappy. Who can you rely on? The Daily Express of course. Forget the tapes, it manages to get Princess Diana into the story. The only shocker is it's not on the front page.

The other main newspaper battle is no-less important. Forget the fight to save the planet from global warming - which makes it onto two front pages - what really matters is All Saints and the Sun versus Girls Aloud and the Mirror.

The gloves are off, this is serious stuff and what does it all come down to? Marriage. Nicole will marry Liam Gallagher, but doesn't know when. Nadine isn't going to marry Jesse Metcalfe just yet, but might in the future. You try and work out who's the winner there.

And while you're doing it, why not pour yourself a cup of coffee from your flask. Yes, your flask. They're back, according to the Telegraph, but this time round they're stainless steel. How does the paper know? Because several celeberities have been spotted with them in the last few months, including Madonna, Gwyneth Paltrow and Johnny Depp.

They never went away in Paper Monitor's opinion. The papers and coffee from a traditional checked, plastic design is how the day always starts.

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Friday's Mini-Quiz asked, if MPs can claim 40p per mile allowance for their cars, how much can they get for cycling? The correct answer, 20p, was only spotted by 27%, with most readers expecting that cycling allowances would be zero.

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