Blue-sky thinking outside the box
13:34 UK time, Monday, 6 November 2006
It's supposed to cut out the need for brain dumping by making HQ more task-oriented.
Or, in plain English, speed up communication and make the workplace more efficient.
Business jargon seems to be driving a wedge between bosses and their workers, according to a . The minions, it seems, haven't got a clue what their superiors are going on about.
While managers spout phrases such as get your as they wolf down , bemused job-locked employees are left scratching their heads, contributing little more than because they don't know what's really going on. So much for joined-up thinking鈥
So how might workers correct this imbalance? Ever keen to strike a blow for flunky freedom, the Monitor invites you to suggest your own office jargon with which to baffle the bosses.
Send your entries using the "comments" button below.
Comments
In the IT department I used to work in, we often had to report PICNIC errors (Problem In Chair, Not In Computer).
I always thought that blue sky thinking had as much value as a patch of blue sky...not a lot. No wonder I'm confused when my boss goes on about it.
Metime - When I'm not in the office. When I am in the office, I'm on office time. When I'm not in the office, I'm on Metime.
Here's some jargon that'll get those in thier white towers thinking....
1. Decision
The art of choosing between different options without asking someone else.
2. Responsibility
Often used in conjunction with Decisions
3. Listening
If someone says that something is wrong or can't be done, they probably have a reason.
PS I'm glad I left my last job.
Horizoning (staring out of the window)
You don't need new Employee Jargon - these bosses can be easily baffled by the suggestion that an employee might "have a home life too", or "need to eat and sleep", or even be a "human being" rather than a piece of work equipment much like the pencil sharpener (which is often the most technical thing in the office that this sort of boss can operate).
Red Sky Thinking (soon be time to go home..)
Polidiot - someone who has risen through the ranks via their political skills in a large organisation, but clearly lacks the required skills to perform their job effectively, and will only get booted out in a review in 5 years time whilst not deserving the money they earn.
Expectation management - telling your boss what he or she wants to hear, and getting on with your job just the same (cos that's what's actually needed).
Activity deficit substitution - looking busy.
Inter-departmental liaison facilitation - asking your friends if they want lunch.
Time to raise the bar on this one.. (pretty obvious really: I've had enough, anyone fancy a pint?)
I think devotees of MM already have a home-made arsenal at our disposal; we can happily cabbage that new directive, or set up an impromptu porridge-watch at short notice. If all else fails, we could ask the flexicography department 鈥
A boss can "take a principled stand" on a matter. The principle in question is the Peter Principle, which applies when someone is promoted to the level of their own incompetence.
Our Director uses the phrase "bottom out", which makes little to no sense at all. Examples of this obviously made-up jargon include:
"We need to bottom out this project by week end" (Week end itself being two words and not preceded by "the" and meaning Saturday/Sunday as we once believed).
"Have you bottomed out the policy papers yet?"
"If this isn't bottomed out a sap (this one an odd pronunciation of the abbreviation ASAP) we're all without paddles".
Backing singer.
A person in a meeting who doesn't contribute ideas of their own, rather just agrees with and reiterates whatever a manager is saying.
Outlook monkey.
A person in a meeting who brings a laptop along and is rather more preoccupied with it than with the actual meeting (i.e a manager).
Polling.
The practise of checking the 成人论坛 news website every 30 minutes with the aim of being the first to see an important "breaking news" item (thus making all the effort worthwhile).
We must shift resources to monitor the movement of client猫le through the entry portal. TRANSLATION: I need someone to watch the door while I use the loo.(Yes, I was dressed down for leaving my desk when I was ill, even though we have annoying windchimes everyone can hear ring every time the door opens.)
Sprouting - to think of ideas on how the organisation can work in a "greener" and more environmentally friendly fashion. Not sure if its an ingenious way of linking the word to the venimous green vegetable - the Brussel Sprout - but still a word greatly disliked even if its not.
Seeing MM's phrase, "strike a blow for flunky freedom" makes me think that those of us "at the coal face" could call ourselves "flunky gibbons".
Sometimes it's enough to subvert an existing phrase, e.g. when asked for a progress report, saying, "I'm just getting up a full head of beer."
Today, I actually found myself writing, "I'd put my thinking cap on, but it doesn't fit my head yet". Oh dear.
My favourite is Al-Desco. A lovely cluttered space to eat you lunch.
"We need to herd the dinosaurs to the right end of the cricket green"
"A tomato isn't always red when it's ripe"
"Just because this cup of coffee is cold, doesn't mean your next one will be espresso"
...just don't ask me what they mean, because I have no idea...
What is one to do when one needs to 'socialise' ideas, but one's boss is 'asleep at the switch'? 'Vet' the ideas with 'FOBs' (Friends of the Boss) of course.
Going forward: boss-speak for "umm". To be used whenever there may be a drop in the monotonous drone at meetings.
Could this have anything in common with "crumpeting," as in looking
at a youngish tea-lady?
Dickie NY USA
The best ones I remember from my previous company were;
1) I have a 'virtual open door policy'.
TRANSLATION : My door is virtually never open ie. shut.
2) Gentlemen, you can open your kimonos now.
TRANSLATION : You can open the files infront of you ( NOT what you might have thought!)
To quote the late, great Spike Milligan's Mum: "Just because a cat has it's kittens in an oven, that doesn't make them biscuits."
Think about it.
Don't make your inefficiency my problem.
Musical chars: a way of determining whose turn is to make the teas and coffees?
Descending flightpath of headcount: we're going to annoy people until they leave, so that we don't have to pay them redundancy.
I've been collecting examples for years; here are a few :
'bandwidth' meaning time or resources, as in "if you have sufficient bandwidth to do such and such";
'heads up' meaning early warning;
'drains up' meaning a thorough review of something;
'straw man' meaning ???
'take a view on' meaning decide, but in a non-committed way;
'eat your own dog food' meaning...oh who cares?
I could go on...
1) "Going tarso-mandibular" - putting your foot in your mouth;
2) "Workspace-specific perceptual abstraction" - daydreaming while you're supposed to be working;
3) "cognitive recalibration" - changing your mind;
4) "non-specific interfacing" - chatting with your workmates
I work for IT Support we use the Term Wetware Fault (User Error).
The top office jargon has to be "Team-building exercise",or down to the ordinary person =a good jolly with liquid refreshment?My favourite was always "POETS" day which meant 'push off early tomorrows Saturday'plus weekends were my favourite office time !
I agree - it's time we reclaimed office jargon and to this end, I commend to the house 'the company slash' - that well known time of the day just before lunch or five, when office drones everywhere decide to take a paid loo break, rather than having one in your own time - also a handy way of eating up the clock in those dying, long minutes of the day!
Face time is the bane of my life. It's that peculiar downfall of flexi time when you have finished everything you need to do but you still have to hang around for hours showing your face to build up your flexi time balance!
Let's get this turkey basted before we all end up looking like doe-eyed labradors...
Boiling the ocean - what we used to call in the consulting firm I once worked for the task set by a (micro-)manager who wanted to find out every little (usually irrelevant) detail about a very big topic.
As a result, you'd work very hard and get exhausted and receive TOIL, aptly name as it stands for "time off in lieu".
I have found the following phrases seem to completely baffle most bosses......
i) Pay rise
ii) Time off in lieu
Anyhow lets throw it in the washing
machine and see what colour it comes out.
I can do no better than to quote this wonderful suggestion from the Have Your Say board:
I was at a 鈥榟eads up鈥 meeting a while back when the schmuck doing all the talking decided to throw in a load of abbreviations for everything. We were all going through that embarrassing feeling of 鈥榮hould I know what he鈥檚 talking about鈥, when a colleague asked him 鈥渃an you explain your TLA鈥檚 because I鈥檓 just not understanding them鈥. Said schmuck was dumfounded. My colleague reiterated the question. Still, no answer. Eventually my colleague said TLA鈥檚, you know, 鈥楾hree Letter Abbreviations鈥. We all smiled at a point well made.
Stress Puppy: employees who love to tell eveyone how over worked they are despite the fact they spend most of their time gossiping.
Did no one see the irony of the name of the researchers on this one ?
"Investors in People".
I'm taking no lessons from a company that named itself after a real piece of Corporate Speak.
"networking and teambuilding"- chatting to colleagues
"I have prioritised your request" in answer to a bosses request to do something- sounds good but means I have better things to be getting on with!
A few of my all time favourites...
Blame storming.
Sitting around in a group, discussing why a deadline was missed and who was responsible.
Going Forward. (our manager's favourite!)
Sorry, but what other way is there? Honestly!
Stretch the envelope.
... I have no idea....
and so many more!
Feeding the sea gulls comes to mind.
this is the art of telling modern managers what they want to hear.
Why seagulls?
Because both have the same habit of flying around, making a lot of senseless noise, crapping on everyone, and then flying off.
I leverage synergies to create win-win paradigms from zero-sum games.
Hasn't let me down in an interview yet!
Keeping the home fires burning: someone appointed temporarily to a post on an acting basis and sending out memoes left, right and centre to make sure any potential competitors for the job are aware of their semi-promotion and hence are deterred from applying when proper interviews are finally held.
Touching base
The process of several people scratching their backsides, wondering who (if anyone) really knows what's going on.
Many of these jargon-loving managers seem to be in a constant state of bi-manual auto-proctology deficit - an unfortunate situation in which they seem to be unable to find their own behinds with both hands.
BLAMESTORMING. Sitting around in a group, discussing why a deadline was missed or a project failed, and who was responsible
ASSMOSIS. The process by which people seem to absorb success and advancement by sucking up to the boss rather than working hard
OHNOSECOND. That minuscule fraction of time in which you realize that you've just made a BIG mistake (e.g. you've hit 'reply all')
Keyboard Fodder:
Those poor junior programmers leant on to work long hours, to complete an underestimated software project on time, while their managers disregard their career aspirations. The office equivalent of 'cannon fodder'.
The idiot director I had the misfortune to work along side used to spend his life quoting meaningless nonsense like this. My personal favourite was "Don't fight the fire, shoot the arsonist".
Another was his fable of the two men down a country lane, one on and bike and the other running. The man on the bike said "Get on my bike it's easier" and the man running says "I can't, I'm too busy trying to keep up".
There's only so much of this you can take before you have to leave!
'Bird's Eye View' meaning looking at a problem and flapping
'Helicopter View' meaning hovering about just looking at the problem telling everyone what you see but not actually doing anything about it
'Over the Horizon View' meaning you can't see a problem therefore there is no problem
'Washing Up' meaning repeating what the problem is ad nauseum until an idea about it is forthcoming.