成人论坛

Puzzling that you can鈥檛 get on a plane with a bottle of water these days, but a bag full of goes completely undetected. A possible case for the introduction of sniffer cats at airports....?
Nick Rikker, Barcelona, Spain

Re: . So he's a railway sleeper?
Lee Pike, Cardiff

Yesterday, a letter asked about cutting remarks from a child. Infantisnide?
Kip, Norwich

More help needed in finding a word to describe a modern experience. The more enthusiastically someone tries to give me a free newspaper, the less I want to take it. Even if I wanted to read the darn thing, I always say no. What is that called?
T. Shandy, Shandy Hall

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Snippets from the week's news, sliced and diced for your convenience.

1. Just 20 words make up a third of teenagers' everyday speech.

2. Children whose parents have an OBE can marry at St Paul's cathedral.

3. Murders of prostitutes have the lowest clear-up rates of all killings.

4. The world's tallest man has arms that are 1.06m long.

5. The top six high street banks in the UK made an estimated 拢4.5bn from penalty charges in 2005 .

6. About 40% of the mango trees planted to offset the carbon emissions from Coldplay's A Rush of Blood to the Head album have died - which releases carbon into the atmosphere.

7. About 85% of Sandhurst's cadets are university graduates.

8. Half a million passengers will pass through Heathrow alone this weekend as the Christmas getaway begins.

9. There are 200 million blogs which are no longer being updated, say technology analysts.

10. Half of prison inmates do not have the reading skills expected of an 11 year old child.

[Sources: 3. Guardian, 13 December; 6. Observer, 10 December; 8. Times, 14 December]

Seen 10 things? .

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The Monitor never ceases in its mission to chart the highs and lows of popular culture.

So naturally the eye is drawn to the current trend for retailers to come up with lame-o Xmas slogans. Hence a new feature: Lame-o Xmas Slogan Watch.

Here are some the Monitor has spotted. You are free, though not obliged, to add any more you see, in the usual fashion (by using the "comments" button immediately below)

Dreaming of a tiramisu Christmas - Costa Coffee
Peace and latte to all men - Costa Coffee
Merry Cashmere - Gap
Peace, love and Gap
Thank Virgin it's Christmas
Don't Christmas shop for it, Argos it
Tis the Season to be gorgeous (Boots)

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It's time for the results of the caption competition.

This week we asked you to put words to the picture of a young man performing a stunt at the First China International Cultural and Creative Industry Expo.

And the winners are:

1. Shiz
Fitzwilliam Museum threatens to ban another visitor.

2. Stig
The world record price for a Ming vase had just been broken. But back in the auctioneer's storeroom, a game of double dare reaches its climax..

3. Alex
"Ming pots keep falling on my head.."

4. Glenn Dixon
Terracotta Worrier

5. Sue
Philip Treacy - the wilderness years.

6. Alan
Pot Noodle!!

Thanks to all those who entered. The other entries are linked below.

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A service highlighting the riches of the daily press.

Where to start?

The first serving prime minister is questioned by the cops; another body identified in the Suffolk murders; the long-awaited report into Diana's death is published; 2,500 post offices to close; new runways to be built at Heathrow and Stansted...

On a normal news day, any one of these stories would be front-page material, so it's fascinating to see which are given prominence by which papers. Let's start with the most obvious 鈥� the Daily Express, and its claims that Lord Stevens' report into Princess Diana's death is a "whitewash".

No surprises here. Anything less would have been a tacit admission by the Express that its protracted Diana campaign had been utter bunkum. Paper Monitor faithful will be heartened to hear that while the "拢4m Stevens report does not answer the key questions鈥� the Daily Express won't stop asking them." So that's Monday's front pages sorted for 2007.

The Mail too leads with Diana, and gives even more space to it 鈥� 12 pages, dusting off a familiar name from the royal frame of the mid-1990s, Tiggy Legge-Bourke (which the Mail believes is the "other woman" Diana spoke of when she said she and Camilla would be "put aside" to make "the path clear" for Prince Charles to marry again).

Diana also dominates the front of the Sun, which plays a straight bat on the Stevens report, emphatically calling for an end to conspiracy speculation with the headline "Now Let Her Rest", although it too can't help stirring the pot by invoking Tiggy Legge-Bourke's name.

Rival red top the Mirror which, with the cooperation of Diana's one-time butler Paul Burrell, has been a thorn in the Royal Family's side for some time, seems almost weary of the story, relegating it to an inside spread which is little more than a trot through the Stevens findings.

The Telegraph and Metro tie Blair and the Diana announcement together, sniffing the work of spin doctors in the "burying" of bad news.

Perhaps the biggest surprise is the Independent, which might be expected to also go big on Blair (although certainly not Diana) but instead uses some creative layout to splash on the Suffolk murders story.

As for the Guardian鈥� it snubs these news riches for another story altogether - that of the government calling off the Serious Fraud Office in the BAe-Saudi Arabia alleged corruption case.

Phew. Is it too late to mention that with all this news avalanche, the biggest story by far on the 成人论坛 News website yesterday was the world's tallest man coming to the rescue of sickly two dolphins.

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Teenagers use just 20 words for a third of everything they say - but which are the top three of those words? Only nine percent of readers got the correct answer: "you", "I" and "the". Today's Daily Mini-Quiz is on the .

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Re: The Prime Minister being interviewed by police investigating allegations of . Mr Blair was "not accompanied by a lawyer", so go the reports. Mr Blair IS a lawyer.
Howard, Bakewell

Hugh, re: What happened to bird flu? (Wednesday鈥檚 letters) it's not the first time is it; remember Sars?
Jenny Em, Aberdeen

Hugh, I'm not a doctor, but I can officially reveal that bird flu has this year been overtaken by an ailment 10 times worse: Man Flu. Seriously.
Nick Jones, Dorking, UK

I read your article on with interest. It reminded me of another article that I recently read which reported the findings of a study of prison records. They showed that somebody was sent to prison because they had taken a day off work due to illness.
Francisco, Newcastle upon Tyne, UK

In the I got two out of 10, and I'm only 18. Am I officially no longer a teenager?
Mark Perryman, Maidstone, Kent

Eight out of 10 on the teen slang midweek quiz? I'm cool, I'm hip, I'm down with my homies. Big up myself! Laters innit.
James, Epsom, Surrey

It鈥檚 just not kind to put up the midweek quiz on Thursday lunchtime. Surely this is the "nearly end of the week, not long to go now" quiz?
Fiona, Edinburgh

I almost choked on my lunch when I read the name of the doctor in charge of the HIV dept in the World Heath Organisation - who was explaining the data behind .
Joe A, Bath

During Strictly Come Dancing on Saturday, Brucie unbuttoned his jacket and gave us a bit of hip-swivel action. My two-year-old took one look and said: "Dirty." Surely there must be a flexicon entry for such appropriate pronouncements from the mouths of babes?
Patsy, Sheffield

Re: the article "". It says that there is no discomfort for the patient as there aren't any pain receptors inside the head. And that during the operation, the surgeon continually checks that the parts they were cutting out are not needed by asking the patient what he feels. Not a lot, I would suggest.
Nick Rikker

My theory is that the journalists at the Daily Express like Sunday nights out on the lash, but have trouble preparing enough copy for Monday's paper. This is where Princess Di comes in. They've had so much practice that they can knock up a conspiracy theory about a white Fiat and a little green man at the rate of 1000 words an hour, which frees up Sunday evening nicely. This has been verified by 18 independent witnesses, but the authorities unaccountably refused to take their statement. Cover-up.
Dan, UK

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A weekly guide to the words and names in the news from Catherine Sangster of the 成人论坛 Pronunciation Unit.

For tenor Roberto Alagna, who this week, we recommend the pronunciation rob-AIR-toh al-AA-nyuh. He was playing the part of Radames (the anglicised pronunciation is RAD-uh-mez) in A茂da (aa-EE-duh).

Bonus extra pronunciation: his Romanian wife, Angela Gheorghiou, also an opera singer, is pronounced an-JEL-uh gyor-GYOO.

(For a guide to our phonetic pronunciations, click here.)

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A service highlighting the riches of the daily press.

Another day, another opportunity for the Daily Mail to insidiously make its core readership - women - feel just that little bit bad about themselves.

Firing yet another salvo in the ongoing size zero debate, the paper has asked four women - ranging from size 16 to size eight - to be snapped in their smalls.

"What did these women (and their men) think when our computer slimmed down their real-life bodies to size zero?" the paper asks. "With a 22-inch waist the shape is striking - as are the health implications. But how would you look?"

What does Beth, a UK size 16, think of her new look? "My arms look undernourished and my face looks sharp and mean." And her fiance? "I definitely couldn't fancy anyone that bony... in her case, big is beautiful."

How about Gemma, a UK size 14? "I don't like either version of me but I prefer the torso of my size zero body." And size 12 Cassandra says: "If only I had those thighs."

Aye, there's the rub, eh ladies? Dinner for those size zero starlets may consist of half an asparagus spear, but don't they look good in slinky little outfits (bar the visible collarbones and pinched look in their eyes)?

Meanwhile, the Daily Express hedges its bets with not one but two splash front pages, split exactly in half. On the left: "RIPPER: TWO MORE NAKED BODIES". On the right (can you guess?): "DIANA: WHY WERE 18 KEY WITNESSES IGNORED BY INQUIRY?" Apparently they gave statements to the police - "many suggesting there was more to the Princess's death than a simple accident". Sounds like a conspiracy to Paper Monitor.

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We've made a reader-set question a regular feature in our weekly news quiz, 7 days 7 questions.

So not only do you get the chance to test yourself every Friday on the news, you can try to stump fellow readers with a question you've written. Take a look at to get an idea.

The rules are:

鈥� Questions must be short and multiple choice - with three or four credible answers.
鈥� Make them challenging, but not impossible to answer.
鈥� They should be about any event in the news, on or after last Saturday.
鈥� Mostly they should be about UK stories - although we tend to throw in a couple of international questions each week.
鈥� Make clear which, among your possible answers, is the correct one.
鈥� And include a short line of explanation about the answer.
鈥� Get the questions to us by 1500 BST on Thursday. We'll give credit to the writer of the question that makes the final quiz.

Send us your question, using the comment form below (obviously we won't publish these as it would spoil the fun).

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Yesterday we asked for the average waistline of this year's shopping centre Santas (a story for which we had also rather foolishly asked for punning headlines the day before). A survey in Scotland found it to be a hearty 47 inches, which 30% of you correctly answered. A mere 13% said 36in and 57% said 39in. Today's mini-question is on the now.

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Things have been slow on PC Gone Mad Watch lately, but our recent office party provided an excruciating example when, having procured the services of a smoker to light each of the lovely candles on our table, the waiting staff came round putting them out saying they weren't allowed to be lit. Merry Christmas.
Luke L, London, UK

What happened to bird flu? Last year, we all lived in immense fear of the imminent arrival and tracked its daily path across Europe. The number of experts talking about the imminent pandemic was astounding and every dead bird was front page news. Now the only information we have is whether we will be allowed to feed pigeons in Trafalgar Square or not.
Hugh, London

I have enjoyed Heston Blumenthal's search for perfection, but the outtakes could surely make up a show in themselves. Chocolate aerated with a Dyson. A whole turkey lowered into a deep fryer. A household fan set up underneath a BBQ. A cake iced with the aid of a paint gun. Can anyone think of a show similarly blessed with opportunities for mishap?
Patsy, Sheffield

tells us tales of men buying unsuitable women鈥檚 underwear as presents. Any chance you could do one on women buying unsuitable knitwear for men?
Alan Addison, Glasgow, UK

I think the Monitor has been at the sherry ahead of the Christmas party. The Punorama results are fully [sic] of typos and shoddy application of bold items. Will MM be able to perform better tomorrow with a hangover?
Judy, Leeds, UK
MM note: Hic!

T Shandy asked if there is a word for suddenly getting a joke or reference which at the time you hadn't recognised (Tuesday letters) - how about Tardism after the greatest time-machine of all.
Mal Walker, Adelaide, Australia

Wouldn't it come under the general catch-all of delayed gratification?
Sarah, Edinburgh

When I watched the likes of Allo Allo when I was younger the double (or should that be single) entrendres used to go over my head. Now they don't.
Ian, Cambridge

The man who laughs last is the one who has thought of the dirty meaning. The term is therefore pornosophy.
S Pickwick, Corsham

The Regent Street lights Gordon (Tuesday letters) complains about promote a slug, amongst other things. However, as slugs can't stand , we're at long last . Still, what can you expect of an organisation which hasn't updated its website in nearly a year?
Jel, Swansea

Is Sarah (Tuesday's letters) being for sending a Punorama entry using the letters form?
Rich, Bristol, UK

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In the latest attack on traditional Christmas spirit, health obsessives are coming down hard on a certain Mr Claus, who can normally spotted around this time of year in a tatty red suit and ill-fitting cotton wool beard.

Yes, Santa is the latest target of the obese police. A survey of shopping centre Santas has revealed an average waist size of 47 inches - seven inches more than is considered safe.

Health experts say a waist circumference of more than 40ins for men (35ins for women) is a key indicator of abdominal obesity.

More than one of you dug into the carolling song sheets for inspiration - some with rather more panache than others (although perhaps they'd been rather distracted by the same story turning up in the ...)

A weigh-in a manger came from Bruce, Santa Claus is becoming rotund from Lee Pike, and I'm Dreaming of a Wide Christmas from Kate Lilley (just press Submit the once, please people).

A particularly classy effort came from - who else - Stig, with Hark the herald angels.. Ping!

We also liked Merry XL-Mass (from Gordon, Mike Monk and Laurence), Christmas girth (Candace) and Fatter Christmas (deep breath... Muhammad Isa, Graz, Kevin, Gaynor, Nigel Macarthur, Gareth Jones, Nick Jones, Speed, David Regan, Rob Falconer and Tim Knott).

Then there was Give obese a chance (OG Nash in Qatar), Pies on girth, goodwill to all men (Helene Parry), Santa's on his way (Tim Knott) and Santa's Flaws (Kev Guthrie).

But because you've all been so good all year, here's a few more! Season's eatings (Bev Mackenzie), Love handles everything (Murray) and variations on the theme of Santa's Poor Elf (Gary Moore), Santa has an elf problem (Val茅rie Falconer), A strain on the 'elf service (Kip) and Santa's Elf Scare (Anna Lilley).

Thanks to all who entered. Because the Monitor is off to the Christmas party shortly, the losing entries (because that is what they are) will not be published. There is a nose to be powdered and a party shirt to don.

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A service highlighting the riches of the daily press.

The story dominating all the papers is the murder of prostitutes in Ipswich. This isn鈥檛 easy for the newspapers, when the unhappy tale is still unfolding and when every overnight headline could be rendered obsolete by subsequent developments.

How can the papers tackle the story that everyone is talking about without looking out of date? The Guardian has a double approach. On the front page, rather than a straight news story, it opts for a colour piece, conveying the atmosphere, catching the sense of foreboding.

And to keep the story moving, and to provide the in-depth detail, it鈥檚 relying much more on the paper鈥檚 online edition. There鈥檚 an interactive guide, combining photos, graphics and text, in a way that suggests that this story marks another watershed in how newspapers cover such rolling stories.

Elsewhere, the Daily Express is in Diana-mode (again), with pages of coverage questioning the presumed findings of Lord Stevens鈥檚 report into her death. Even the cartoon is about the Diana memorial concert.

The Times, meanwhile, has a story of good fortune and success鈥� that will have everyone else feeling sicker than an office party hangover. Employees of bankers Goldman Sachs are sharing out a huge bonus - on average 拢319,000 a person. Senior executives can expect to collect 拢10 million each - and across the City of London, bonuses are expected to total 拢8.8 billion. As the Times observes, staff are now divided into the 鈥渉aves and have yachts鈥�.

Back to work everybody. We鈥檝e got to keep those bankers in bonuses.

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Tuesday's Daily Mini-Quiz asked readers from which animal the name "Arctic" derived. The correct answer, bear, was spotted by 35%, while 38% opted for the seal. The current quiz is on the .

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Re: . Wouldn't it be more accurate to say "World's oldest person is now someone else"?
Adam, London

I'm amazed that any young, able-bodied woman in 2006 would think she was somehow more entitled to a seat on the tube than a man and am embarrassed that anyone has suggested it. If your feet are hurting, then don't wear stupid, impractical shoes.
Sue Lee, London

Shouldn鈥檛 there be a word for that moment when, perhaps years later, you suddenly get a joke or a reference that at the time you hadn鈥檛 recognised. It鈥檚 a sort of time-delay moment, maybe the opposite of d茅j脿 vu. Has that ever happened to anyone else?
T. Shandy, Shandy Hall

Is anyone else irritated that Christmas light displays, such as in Regent Street in London, end up as big adverts (in this case for a movie)? It feels like commercial overload.
Gordon Comstock, London

Who ate all the (mince) pies?
Sarah, Edinburgh

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A service highlighting the riches of the daily press.

The gruesome goings-on around Ipswich make all the usual front pages, and, in the tabloids at least, the "R" word is never far from view. The Sun brandishes the suspected murderer the "Suffolk Ripper", the Daily Mirror, the "Ipswich Ripper". Terminology in such stories can be a touchy subject, as evidenced by complaints to the 成人论坛 about the use of the word "prostitute". But the Sun has little time for tip-toeing around such matters, and sticks it to the Beeb in an editorial, for "creepily describing" the victims as "sex workers".

The Daily Mail manages to turn the story on its audiences' concerns by pushing the "middle class" button 鈥� "Middle class life to a heroin hell" runs the headline on its story about victim Gemma Adams.

Elsewhere, in which paper might you expect to read this line: "Will [David Cameron] now put his policies where his mouth is 鈥� and follow where France and Germany have led?"

Probably not the famously Euro-sceptic Daily Mail, but after 12 months of wishy-washy Cameronite leadership, the Mail can't conceal its glee that former Tory leader Iain Duncan Smith is robustly standing up for traditional Conservative values in a new report on the family.

What's more, in IDS' championing of married couples over co-habiting one, the Mail sees good examples set by the French and Germans.

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Monday's Daily Mini-Quiz asked what song the current crew of the Discovery space shuttle woke up to on their first morning in zero gravity. The correct answer, Here Comes the Sun, by the Beatles, was identified by 60% of readers. The current quiz is on the .

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While not defeated, the technical gremlins that so obstinately stood in the way of the judging of last week's caption competition have been wrong-footed thanks to some trademark Monitor cunning.

So here, after much delay, are the winners:

6. Illuminati existence proved.
Ed Loach

5. It's OK, Lenny, it's only a water pistol. Here, watch.
Stig

4. Watt not to wear.
Sean Smith

3. Sorry?..... Stick this one where?
Kevin Riggs

2. The sushi was having an unexpected effect on Lenny.
Michael Brown

1. How may light bulbs does it take to re-ignite the career of a failed comedian?
Mark

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With regards to the story about , I'm sick to death of having to share my air with drunks thinking they are being bold and outrageously funny when they are actually boorish and very unpleasant to be around.
Samantha, Northampton

Years ago my company did a survey of what to stock in the vending machines. People marked . But you know what? It didn鈥檛 sell. People wanted junk - they just marked the healthy choices so that other people would think better of them.
Kara, Mobile, USA

All these women complaining about the tube. No women has ever given up a seat for me either, so why should I? It鈥檚 called equality ladies, you asked for it and now you鈥檙e not happy with it. Shame you didn't keep the receipt.
Richard, Kent

Re , I remember listening to the abdication broadcast at about 4pm on a cold day. (I was 15) After that moment in history no words were spoken by headmaster or teachers. It just wasn't discussed until I arrived home.
Peter, Panama

Who says the media is London-centric? What about I now await reports of Flat Cap Fashion Week.
Kieran Boyle, Oxford

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A service highlighting the riches of the daily press.

As the "I" in Withnail and I shrewdly observed, "even a stopped clock tells the right time twice a day". The same might be said for the Daily Express. With Lord Stevens report into the death of Diana, Princess of Wales, due to be published later this week, the press has been abuzz with Diana-related speculation. Not surprisingly then, the Express offers a time-honoured Monday morning Diana front page 鈥� focusing on the rumour that the Stevens report will include allegations that the US secret service was bugging the princess' phone conversations. The paper gives less exposure to Stevens's expected conclusion, that the crash was an accident, Diana was not pregnant at the time, and the fabled white Fiat Uno had nothing to do with the crash.

Continuing on the royal theme, Zara Phillips's face is hard to avoid after the Princess Royal's daughter scooped the 成人论坛 Sports Personality of the Year... except, that is, in the Sun, which had been sitting on an exclusive interview with golfer, and favourite for the award, Darren Clarke. While Phillips's beaming smile graces the front pages of the Mirror, Express, Mail, Telegraph and Guardian, the royal is relegated to a page 4 black-and-white snap the size of a thumbnail.

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Friday's DMQ asked how much the "wedding ceremony" of one of Britain's first divorcing gay couples - Darryl Bullock and mark Godfrey - had cost: 拢700, 拢1,700 or 拢7,000? It was 拢700 although two-thirds of respondents to the quiz opted for the highest sum. Today's mini-quiz is on the .

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