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Snippets from the week's news, sliced, diced and processed for your convenience.

1. Renowned atheist Professor Richard Dawkins likes singing Christmas carols.

2. The White House grounds are a National Park.

3. The Australian town of Eucla has its own time zone.

4. Pentonville prison, when built in 1842, had toilets in all the cells. They were later taken out.

5. Church of England vicars don't have to wear a collar if there's a "justifiable cause".

6. Ike Turner made what's widely considered to be the first rock 'n' roll record - Rocket 88 - in 1951.

7. Iago in Othello is the third longest part in all of Shakespeare's plays.

8. The strength of wine has increased from 11.5% alcohol by volume (ABV) to 13.5% ABV in recent years.

9. Police were banned from striking in 1919, after walk-outs that year by officers in London and Liverpool.

10. Anyone convicted of a criminal offence is bound to pay a 拢15 "victims' surcharge".

Seen 10 things? . Thanks to Robert Lee for this week's picture of 10 Japanese Maple leaves.

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Can someone please explain where the Vietnamese gymnast's head is? ()
Rebecca, London

It's 14 December, and we've still not had the annual "things not to do/say at the Office Christmas Party" article. We *always* have some variation of that article. Have I missed something?
Tom, Portsmouth

Regarding today's Random Stat, do the 51% of parents encourage their child to speak with a completely different local accent, and if so, which one?
John, Belgium

Top two most read stories: "" and "".
Jailing Charles for this instance of natural selection seems overly harsh.
John, Norwich

Am I the only one who thought that perhaps someone had over-indulged already this Christmas if they have "".
Tori Law, Thurso, Scotland

The has been found and it turns out that it was called CLOCK all along. Can the scientists please now look for genes called SMART, ATTRACTIVE and LONELY and pass the database for me to investigate?
Adam Shaw, Sussex

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Dearest Pa(per Monitor readers)

I was so pleased to receive your letters, particularly those which didn't mention getting coats, double deckers or David Brent. I would like you to know just how much I admire you for the marvellous way you keep faith with us.

Enough Diana pastiche. There's bags of the real thing in the papers - though it's not really explained why Diana's handwriting is shown in all its modern-woman style, whereas the Duke of Edinburgh's letters are shown in plain text.

The story which strangely didn't get as much coverage as it might have done was the opening of the first Ikea in Northern Ireland, complete with First Minister (Ian Paisley) and Deputy First Minister (Martin McGuinness) in attendance, and pictured - slightly uncomfortably - on a red leather sofa together. Was it the sofa that was uncomfortable, one wonders?

Anyway, it's a story ripe for colourful telling - the Times slightly over-eggs the pudding, but its first paragraph is a worthy way in: "It is a rite of passage familiar to many couples: the endless wandering around trying to find the sofa beds, the hopeless attempts to master industrial-sized trolleys and the blazing row as you realise that your highly stylish, new Liatorp pedestal dining table is not, as your partner so accurately predicted, going to squeeze inside your Ford Fiesta."

Special mention to the Daily Mail for its headline "Philately will get you everywhere". File under: All you need to know.

But the big event today is a series of three full-page adverts in the formerly-known-as-broadsheet press advertising News Corporation. The ordinary reader might not know who News Corporation is (it's the publisher of the Times and the Sun), but by the end of the three pages you certainly have an idea about how assertive the company is being.

"Confronting the issues, pushing the debate, breaking the story, creating the new format, producing the next blockbuster," it says. "That's what we do."

(Paper Monitor is sure that another big media organisation used that particular phrase. Can't quite remember which one unfortunately.)

The whole venture is about emphasising that Mr Murdoch Sr has succeeded in his long-term ambition to own the Wall Street Journal, and that he has confounded pundits' predictions at every stage.

The tone is treading a fine line between confident and chippy. And strangely it is signed off with the phrase "We're News" (with the word News in massive blue font).

So it seems only fitting:

We're Paper Monitor.

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More than half of parents (51%) discourage their children from speaking with their local accent for fear of harming their life chances, according to a survey by Combined Insurance. It asked 2,300 parents about the importance of keeping local accents and how this impacts on the community.

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If the police break the law by , who will arrest them?
Keith Munday, Loughborough

It's seems Bryan Poor's name is a good indicator of his maths skills (letters, Wednesday). If we ignore the fact that the tonne in question is metric, not imperial and use Bryan's figures and formula each person eats over 34 sprouts per year on average - more than enough for Christmas Dinner.
Bryan, Manchester

No doubt there will be an avalanche of comments - but poor Bryan - I make it, near as damn it, 3.5 sprouts per person which seems to be plausible....is this where I'm supposed to get my coat?
Martyn Duffin, Bristol

How on earth is our beloved but overworked monitor to select from the millions of corrective replies to Bryan's poor sprout mathematics. Nice round number of, ooh, 34 springs to my mind.
James, London

Re: . "None of the stabbed fans suffered serious injuries." Could we get a definition of being stabbed?
Stoo, Lancashire, UK

So fined criminals have paid 拢1,078,621 into the so far? That seems a very precise figure, particularly as it isn't an exact multiple of the 拢15 surcharge!
QJ, Stafford, UK

Best photo caption in has got to be "A US soldier trains his rifle on a donkey as his unit searches a house on the outskirts of Muqdadiyah, Diyala province, north of Baghdad, Iraq, on 12 December 2007." I've always been scared of donkeys as well.
Ian Marsden, Bucharest, Romania

Adam, London (Thursday's letters) - That 'man' will have been me then? It also appears that I got my coat in 2006 to boot!
Tom, Leeds

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A service highlighting the riches of the daily press.

It's been a while since Paper Monitor turned its attention to a headline so comprehensive that there's no need to read the accompanying story. Nor will today be that day. Instead the Times has crafted its flipside, the omega to its alpha, the obverse to its inverse, the noir to its bete - the headline so tantalising in its paucity of detail (yet so compelling) that one must read on... only to end the article none the wiser. But intrigued nonetheless.

"WHY IS THE HOME OFFICE TRYING TO STAGE MURDER TRIAL IN SECRET?" goes the headline. Now that's something that doesn't happen every day. The article throws in all sorts of interesting snippets about the victim being a reclusive millionaire who penned prize-winning books (whose "ramshackle" house was notorious in his smart neighbourhood), the suspect's possible links to the secret service, a suspicious fire at the crime scene and, last but by no means least, the blessed phrase "gagging order".

Paper Monitor imagines that the writers of Spooks will be paying close attention now their current bout of silliness is drawing to a close on 成人论坛 One.

Later in the paper, the People column perhaps speaks for us all as it notes that "somehow, 130 Branson impersonators are less annoying than the real thing."

The Independent, meanwhile, has a touching and truly Indy story on its poster front page. The headline goes like this (emphasis 鈥� albeit in rather hard-to-detect purple type - paper's own):

"A MIRACLE FOR CHRISTMAS
In a troubled world, Sammy Gitau is an extraordinary symbol of hope. Born in a Kenyan slum, he lived by foraging rubbish tips, where, one day, he chanced upon a prospectus for Manchester University - and had a dream. Immigration officials tried to stop him coming to Britain. But today this remarkable young man will receive his Masters degree."

Hold on, that means Paper Monitor has indeed looked at a headline so comprehensive etc etc... but the Indy has truly mastered the art.

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A poll by for security company G4S found that 8% of shoppers admitted to eating or drinking items - and then failing to pay for these once they reached the checkout. The online survey was of 1,000 Britons aged 16 to 64.

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Your article on states we, assuming you meant UK, eat 15,000 tonnes of Brussels each year. As an average sprout weighs 1/4 of an ounce (yes, I did weigh them) that equates to 141096 per tonne. Now if you apply the simple formula of ((sprouts per tonne * 15000) / 60,776,238 (uk populate)) then I only get to eat 0.02 sprouts with my christmas dinner. Oh well, at least it will reduce my carbon footprint.
Bryan Poor, Oxford

Anyone else think the new species of still looks remarkably like a T-Rex?
Tom Webb, Epsom, UK

Vernon Coaker says "In the wrong hands, are dangerous weapons". And in the right hands, they are absolutely lethal. Not much wiggle room then.
Ed, London

With reference to the news story about Liverpool football players being . One player burgled, two players burgled, three, four etc. Forgive me but am I the only one to see a pattern emerging here? Please don't tell me the police haven't spotted this and weren't watching Steve Gerard's or any of the other player's houses? Shame on you!
Alan, Ramsey

"What erudition, what elan, what brio, what panache." What Paper Monitor failed to spot is that "exterminate" and "minogue" also have an "i" and and "n" in common. And - crucially - they all come in the same order. I'll get my scarf.
Ruaraidh Gillies, Wirral, UK

The 成人论坛 has had a fantastic day with as well.
Christian Haythorn, Manchester

Paper Monitor's brief tour of some of the puns in today's papers reminds me of the man who entered a punning competition run by his local newspaper. He sent 10 puns, hoping that at least one would win, but no pun in ten did.
Adam, London, UK

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A service highlighting the riches of the daily press.

Paper Monitor has deemed that this be the day to celebrate the art of the sub-editor, namely the punning headline.

And not just the good puns but the bad puns, the really rubbish pieces of punnery that you鈥檇 be ashamed to admit you had anything to do with. For this is what the world of newspapers is all about 鈥� the brave men and women who bash out a headline even when they can鈥檛 really think of a good one.

In the Sun today, the nexus of quippery, there are some stinkers.

Michael Schumacher drove his own taxi so 鈥淪chu the heck is driving that cab鈥�. That is because 鈥淪chu鈥� sounds a little bit like 鈥渨ho鈥�.

Kylie is joining the cast of Doctor Who so 鈥淓XTERMINOGUE鈥�. Because Daleks are well known for saying 鈥渆xterminate鈥�, which has an 鈥渕鈥� in it, and Minogue also has an 鈥渕鈥� in it. Ah, what erudition, what elan, what brio, what panache.

But there is some redemption when it comes to the extraordinary wacky-animal-photo-of-the-day, a number of trout jumping 3ft into an 8in water pipe. 鈥淟ET鈥橲 GET TROUT OF HERE鈥�.

There is also goodness in the Daily Mirror. Piece on playgrounds to improve life for children? 鈥淭HE SWINGS CAN ONLY GET BETTER鈥�.

But there is also badness. For legal reasons we cannot offer the context of 鈥淒AY OF THE KAYAKAL鈥�. But really. Paper Monitor wants to ask the sub responsible: 鈥淗ow can you sleep at night?鈥�

Away from the world of puns, hats off to some smooth writing in the Times in its account of frizzy-haired 鈥淭V funnyman鈥� Alan Davies having an altercation with a tramp and biting his ear.

鈥淢r Davies, a vegetarian, was accused of sinking his teeth into Paul McElfatrick outside the Groucho Club in Soho, Central London, last week.鈥�

Spot the key piece of information.

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A survey for moneysupermarket.com has found that of the British holidaymakers visiting ski resorts, 16% do not bother to hit the slopes at all.

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Alex (Letters, Monday) asks how can anyone justify such a double standard? Easy Alex, fake fur is meant to look and feel like real fur and vegetarian sausages are meant to look and taste like real sausages. Now having never eaten one I can't be 100% on this but I'm pretty sure human babies aren't filled with a colourful, fruit flavoured substance and around 3cm long.
Matt, Leeds, UK

Rebecca H - I like the taste and texture of meat but that doesn't automatically mean that I want an animal to endure a short, miserable life so it can end up in my mouth for 10 seconds. So I eat 'fake' meat instead: all the fun, none of the guilt. Similarly, my brother-in-law enjoys shooting but he doesn't enjoy killing for 'sport' so he uses clay dummies instead. Clever, isn't it?
SL, London

And so what was the carbon footprint of the who flew halfway around the world to examine the carbon footprints of others?
Catherine, London

Helen and Matthew (Friday letters) are obviously not gardeners. Cats always seem to choose that exact spot where their unfortunate neighbours were going to plant the begonias.
Rebecca, Queensland, Australia

Did anyone else think that 'Canoe wife charged with deception' neatly follows on from 'Man forced to marry goat' and 'Man charged with trying to have sex with bicycle'? I'll fetch my goat.
Christian Cook, Epsom, UK

David (Monday's letters). Wild? I expect they're livid. Ba-da-bum.
Rikki, UK

I am pleased to report another example of a person whose career fits his name in the first quotation box in .

Luke L, London, UK

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A service highlighting the riches of the daily press.

Since when did the world and his wife fall in love with heavy metal? First Ozzy Osbourne becomes a sort of eccentric nation's uncle, with the sofa-side affability of Michael Palin, now, all of a sudden, Led Zeppelin's comeback is greeted with the sort of mass-market coverage accorded to last week's Spice Girl's reunion.

Zep purists will probably leap in here to point out their boys were never heavy metal as such, but that's just power-chord semantics.

Bundle together flouncy hair, heavily distorted guitar solos, lyrics about goblins and Hobbity happenings and a generous dose of occultist dabbling and what have you got? Heavy metal.

It's the sort of thing that used to excite adolescent boys who couldn't see the glaring fashion faux pas inherent in teaming tight black jeans with white trainers.

But now, it seems, all the world's a Led Zep fan, Fleet Street editors, supermodels and consumer journalists of the motoring ilk included. The Metro pictures Kate Moss at last night's comeback concert and gives over page three to its report, complete with typographical pun鈥� "A Whole Lotta 拢ove". Get it?

In the Times, Miss Moss is accompanied by Naomi Campbell. While the Mirror and Sun tell us that Jodie Kidd, Richard Hammond and Jeremy Clarkson also showed up.

Back in the day, could you imagine Marie Helvin, Twiggy and, er, Michael Rodd, on the Black Sabbath guest list?

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Thirty-three per cent of people have some of last year's Christmas cake in the cupboard, according to a survey of 3,000 adults conducted by UKTV.

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Rebecca H (Letters, Friday) claims she doesn't understand why vegetarians eat replica meat and wear replica fur. Well I imagine she would never think of eating a human baby, yet, hypocrisy of hypocrisy, she eats colourful fruit-flavoured jelly sweets in the shape of human babies. How can anyone justify such a double standard?
Alex, Hamburg, Germany

Fifty wild animals in British circuses? (10 Things, Friday) Um. How are they `wild', exactly?
David Richerby, Leeds, UK

After reading at the Kittybrewster and Woodside Bowling Club, I was delighted to see on their website that they have a 'Gents Committee'. May I suggest they check the door handles when next they meet?
Steve Hill, Milwaukee, USA

Blimey - doesn't Robert Plant look like Mick Hucknall? ()
Sue, London

Cat poo as fertiliser?! (Matthew Burton, Letters, Friday) When I had a very small garden at the back of a terraced house, it was a never ending battle to avoid certain death of my plants from the piles of cat poo. I have always understood good compost is well-rotted vegetable matter not the processed meat arising from the cat's carnivorous diet. But, hey, what do I know.
Matthew Rayner, Yateley, UK

: What a good idea! Now we just need a name for it...
QJ, Stafford, UK

So, . In a statement, British Transport Police said: "Four men are to be prosecuted for public order offences following a disturbance on the 1937 First Great Western London Paddington to Cardiff train on the evening of Sunday, 2 December. At 9.25pm on 2 December, BTP officers at Cardiff Central responded ..." So, as they're clearing using the old style of quoting times (9.25 p.m.), Can we assume that the 1937 First Great Western train was just running a few years late?
Rob Falconer, Llandough, Wales

Speaking as a resident of Tower Hamlets, just underscores the importance of not letting my boss see how much time I spend on the Magazine Monitor.
Edward Green, London, UK

RE: The ... where am I to tick if I haven't seen it, don't want to see it over Christmas and don't feel like reading the book?
Keith, Northampton

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A service highlighting the riches of the daily press.

Before launching into Monday's fare, can we just kick off with this Telegraphian gem from Saturday 鈥� a big front page picture of Paper Monitor's 成人论坛 colleague Kate Silverton. Were ever there prizes for most spurious reason for running a photo, this might well walk off with the honours. There's no story as such, just a caption that invites readers to "take a leisurely look at this photograph". Why? Well, La Silverton starts presenting a 90-second news bulletin on TV and, er, that doesn't give viewers very long to appreciate her talents. Hmmm.

On to today's papers, and that thorny old question of when is an exclusive an exclusive in Tabloid Land presents itself. For nigh on a week now the Mail and Mirror have been battling it out over the best line on the Darwin story and today's there's not a hair's breadth between them. Yet neither is willing to admit it.

The result is a bizarre spectacle of parallel worlds almost, but never quite, colliding. The Mirror trumpets its "exclusive" of "canoe wife arrest" while the Mail claims that it "brings canoe wife back to face police".

With reporter Natalie Clarke "on board flight Delta 64" for an interview with Anne Darwin, the Mail tells us "she managed to get through her chicken in-flight meal and flicked through a magazine. She was calm and didn't fidget, she sat quietly in her seat. She even slept a little."

By way of independent verification, the Mirror tells us she "flicked through a magazine, gazed out of the window and even managed to snatch a few moments' sleep".

Poor Mrs Darwin. Whatever she might have done or not done, the thought of spending an entire flight from Atlanta sandwiched between two hacks, scrutinising her every facial tick and yet stubbornly failing to acknowledge each other's presence is probably enough to send even the steeliest character into a fit of air rage.

And what's this.... the Mirror's man "on Delta flight 64" tells us Mrs Darwin only "nibbled at a couple of meals".

When does a mere nibbling turn into a full-blown "getting through" a meal? Questions, questions, Mrs Darwin.

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According to a report by the Centre for Cities, 47% of people of working age in the London borough of Tower Hamlets are not in employment.

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