成人论坛

Snippets from the week's news, sliced, diced and processed for your convenience.

1. If housewives got salaries at the going rate for doing household chores, they would on average earn 拢30,000.

2. Pacifist John Lennon was once an air cadet.

3. Women in Ivory Coast buy 鈥渂ottom enhancing鈥� injections for $2.

4. Whales catnap.

5. Young dinosaurs were prey to a giant frog.

6. John Prescott played in a parliamentary football team in the 1970s with Jonathan Aitken, Robert Kilroy-Silk and Neil Kinnock.

7. The female G-spot can be located by ultrasound.

8. People can have four kidneys.

9. A replica Statue of Liberty exists in Kosovo.

10. The first pop concert Barack Obama attended was as a 10-year-old watching Elton John.

Sources: 9 - 成人论坛 Radio 5Live, 10 - Times, 19 Feb

Seen 10 things? . Thanks to Sarah Glanville in Horsham, Surrey, for this week's picture of 10 pieces of chopped carrot.

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With the return of the Daily Politics Mug and Some more Friday fun, can Punorama and Caption Comp be far behind?
John, Sevenoaks, England

I may not be the first to notice this,. but why does the 成人论坛 always insist on using contradicting stories. " " but ""
Emma, London

Having watched the video demonstrating the I had to glance at the calendar to check it wasn't April Fools' Day. Surely the hands in the video are simply running along the rubber, not, in fact, stretching it at all? Don't even get me started on the 1950s close shot/open new shot (with new rubber band?) style of the clip.
Emma, Geneva, Switzerland

Re: "hazellove" (Wednesday's letters) from Brighton's comment about the 拢17.85 starter. Surely she's not so blindsided by the filthy language to notice that 拢17.85 is for 3 starters, and therefore the meatballs are 拢5.95. I'm wondering why they ordered 2 1/2 wings, instead of just ordering a whole wing?
Anthony Deane, Cambridge, UK

It would be very ironic if the USA were to take its own steroid-filled beef to the Olympics in order to avoid the Chinese .
Colin Main, Berkhamsted, UK

Regarding the story , didn't the man suffer enough at Robben Island?
Rusty, Montreal, Canada

I just want a free, magazine from you. That is all i wanted from you.
Lawrence, Lagos, Nigeria

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Last Friday was so much fun that the Monitor has spent the past seven days recovering, and wondering how it can chase a similar laughter high in the final lap of this working week's 10,000m steeplechase.

Today's spot of Friday fun (which has no connection whatsoever to do with the late, sometimes lamented Friday Challenge, perish the thought) has in its crosshairs that curious story about the discovery of a .

The material could profoundly change the world as we know it 鈥� no more puncture repair kits, kids, or broken toys come to that, or snagging of kinky clothes (kids, that's not an observation you need to know about) - but for one thing: it's not got a name.

So, affix your branding hats securely and suggest a memorable name that does justice to this miraculous substance.

Send you entries using the COMMENTS button/form below. The best will be published here throughout the afternoon.

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A service highlighting the riches of the daily press.

Paper Monitor makes no excuses for shimmying round the mountain of grim news in today's press, in the hope of finding something that will bring some weekend cheer. But before reaching the glorious open road of frivolity, just time to stop and note the Sun's treatment of the Gazza-being-sectioned story. The paper, of course, has troubled form on this front, what with the whole "bonkers" Frank Bruno story a few years ago. Sure, the terminology surrounding mental illness is tricky these days... crazy, mad, nuts, barmy are all words that are innocuously bandied around in casual conversation, but in print they take on a greater seriousness.

So at first glance, the Sun's "I'm Mad" headline for Gazza might seem a return to bad habits. But it has a get-out clause 鈥� Gazza had scrawled the world "mad" on his head. So it鈥檚 a quote (albeit a quote from a mentally disturbed person) rather than a verdict. And that's all right.

Good, now that's out the way let's power this baby up into fifth gear and head off into the weekend sunset with some vapid and infantile observations.

1. Facebook fatigue 鈥� for months the papers 鈥� qualities in particular 鈥� have been falling over themselves to tell us about the "Facebook phenomenon". So hats off to the Times for reporting the backlash, and noting too that usage of MySpace ("owned by News Corporation, the parent company of The Times") has fallen.

2. Myleene Klass 鈥� excuse the oh so passe Facebook lingo, but Paper Monitor knows at least one "friend" who would jump a off a cliff rather than hear another word about Myleene Klass. Not a sentiment shared by the Daily Telegraph though. Although Ms Klass professes in the interview to having no special talents, Paper Monitor wonders if anyone else has ever turned so much text from normal to italic type thanks to the myriad TV programmes, books, albums, songs she has put her name to in her relatively brief career... not to mention her fondness for animated speaking.

3. Pixelating 鈥� the Times illustrates its story on boys being twice as likely to be killed on the roads as girls with a stock picture of a young boy cycling out in front of a moving car. But if it's a stock picture (ie posed by models) why is the number plate pixellated out? Look closely, the driver of said vehicle is sitting on the left and the pixellation is clearly masking a foreign number plate.

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Every weekday the Magazine picks a quote from the news and displays it on the .

'I was Tortured by the Pygmy Love Queen' - Short-listed for Oddest Book Title of the Year, by the Bookseller magazine.

No, not an autobiographical confessional by Jasper McCutcheon, but a story that does very much what it says on the tin. "Navy pilot Henry is forced to crash-land in a rainforest where a group of evil pygmies and their Caucasian queen find him, and subject him to erotic tortures," says the marketing blurb.

Other nominees for the coveted prize include If You Want Closure in Your Relationship, Start with Your Legs; Cheese Problems Solved and How to Write a How to Write Book. Some good bedtime reading there then.

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In this second of two Daily Mini-Quizzes zeroing in on the matter of bizarre gifts presented to the Prince of Wales and the Duchess of Cornwall, here is the latter receiving a yard of bittermint chocolates after visiting Bendicks of Mayfair, not in Mayfair but in Winchester.

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Regarding the story. It says: "Lynam, 65, presented 成人论坛 sport programmes - including Match of the Day and Grandstand - for more than 20 years before defecting to ITV in 1999." One rather reckons that had it been the other way around, he'd have joined, rather than defected to, the 成人论坛
Jennifer, Southampton

How many letters did the Monitor get pointing out that the Foreign Secretary is David Milliband, while Jacqui Smith is the Home Secretary? I suspect that was the main reason for publishing Keith from Loughborough's letter.
Craig, Edinburgh

Re: "US to take own to Olympics" Why? Are there no McDonalds in Beijing?
Paul Greggor, London, UK

Re: Self-healing bounces back. Can I suggest calling it plasticine?
Stuart, Croydon

"The researchers say the majority of hotspots [for emerging infectious ] are located in lower-latitude developing nations." Like England and Switzerland, to judge from the map.
Steve, Newcastle

R.I.P. . They don't make 'em like that any more (thank the Lord).
Barry, Adelaide, God's Own Barbie

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A service highlighting the riches of the daily press.

Before the flurry of sarcastic e-mails noting Paper Monitor's tardiness, readers are invited to show their compassionate side. It was Brits night last night and everyone who is anyone was enjoying the after-show party.

OK, Paper Monitor might have been alone among the media cognoscenti in its "virtual" attendance, thanks to ITV2, but the effects of a late night in the company of Cheryl, Amy, Sir Paul and a remote control handset are no less pronounced. Did anyone know there was such a phenomenon as the Horlicks hangover?

Talking of Cheryl, there's something about the picture of her and fellow Girls Aloud band mates on page three of today's Daily Mirror that's distinctly odd. Faced with an image of the band set against a busy and distracting background of onlookers (who ARE those people who stand outside these events for hours on end?) the picture desk has clearly been a little overzealous on the Photoshop controls in a bid to make the Girls (capital "G" used advisedly here) stand out. They all seem to be silhouetted by a thin black line, and their colourful outfits feel almost drawn on. Watch out .

Quite perplexing. But with so much flesh on show from the likes of Girls Aloud and countless other identikit luxuriantly-coiffed blondes, there is little room to accommodate Cheryl Cole's only other serious competitor on the column inches front at the moment, Ms Winehouse. Clearly she just didn't do anything outstanding enough to warrant the attention, apart from singing鈥� but who cares about that?

Away from the Earls Court cauldron there is just time to mention the Daily Telegraph's *refreshing* giveway today. Telegraph readers may remember it shining a spotlight on the bottled water debate earlier this week, with a tap v cap taste test. Writer Judith Woods signed off by advising readers:

"[N]ext time you feel thirsty and want to avoid opprobrium, don't hit the bottle. Stick to drinking juice or a 1992 jeroboam of Clos de Mesnil. Or, at a push, you could just turn on the tap."

Fast forward to today's Telegraph: "Lower your blood pressure with our free spring water".

Gulp.

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For those who have been led here by the answer to today's Magazine Daily Mini-Quiz, here is the fetching silver-plated alcohol gel dispenser, presented to Prince Charles by the Central Middlesex Hospital.

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"Congratulations on your appointment. I have watched the careers of all your
predecessors and I am certain you will die a lonely death and be buried in a
traitor's grave" - Europe Minister Jim Murphy reveals the first e-mail he received congratulating him on his appointment.

It's certainly succinct and to the point. Full marks for that. The author of the e-mail, left unnamed by Mr Murphy, may have been thinking of previous incumbents of the post, such as Keith Vaz, who have gone on to be embroiled in a scandal. Or the likes of Denis MacShane and Doug Henderson, whose ministerial careers petered out. Then of course there was Geoff Hoon, who went on holiday while defence secretary only to be roundly abused by the tabloids. Since Murphy's appointment, another former holder, Peter Hain, has also come a cropper.

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Your story "" tells us "Some migrants may also have to pay into a fund to cover some of the extra burden on public services." Am I missing something here, or is that pretty much how taxes work already?
Adam, London, UK

Shouldn't the certificate in have a capital N?
Gareth , Tokyo, Japan

Regarding 'that shouldn't have come out on the bill' (Quote of the day) I thought you were referring to the fact that a restaurant charges 拢17.85 for a meatball starter. I'm just wondering what meat the balls were made of!
hazellove, Brighton, UK

Re : "..restaurant owner Mr Langsdon said the message had been meant to be seen only by kitchen staff ." Of course, if they had been abusing the customers in private that would be perfectly acceptable.
Simon, Milton Keynes

What sort of person pays a 10% service charge after being treated so badly?
Colin Main, Berkhamsted, UK

Re Paper Monitor, If "ocracy" were a word, then maybe "that-which-cannot-be-named" might rhyme with it. However, despite extensive use of a well-known internet search tool, it seems ocracy is not a valid word. I'll get my doat.
Harvey Mayne, Frankfurt, Germany

PM writes today: Paper Monitor is only sorry not to spot just one photograph of the former leader in his baggy Adidas tracksuit. So, was there a photograph and you missed it, or no photographs at all?
Dr Toes, Carharrack

- tap water tastes fine, it just doesn't come out the tap cold enough. Unless you have ice cubes handy you have to stick in the fridge for a while, but then it tastes "stale"
Christine, Milton Keynes

Re : "Sir Richard added that the service was legally required to seek authorisation from the Foreign Secretary to carry out any operation which involved breaking the law. " So does this mean that 007 has to ask Jacqui Smith for permission to use his License to Kill?? How disappointing..
Keith, Loughborough

Re the inverted commas, my employer has a dress code which allows "smart" jeans, including the inverted commas. Which is great, because you can wear any dirty, scruffy old jeans, but so long as you or anybody says they're smart, they're technically acceptable.
Bob Peters, Leeds, UK

Re: Doris from Durham's comment about inverted commas at her local market. My local college has a sign warning students not to eat 'food' in the corridor.
Steph, Leicester

In response to Doris of Durham, personally I'd find English 'Strawberries' much more worrying.
Dave Godfrey, Swindon, UK

Re: the use of quotation marks. A tanning shop in my village advertises itself as "clean" and "safe". Not very inviting!
Jane, Durham, UK

As you seemed to have abandoned the random stat with no apparent explanation I've produced my own - 8% of working week wasted checking magazine monitor to see if the random stat has appeared yet.
Bryan Poor, Oxford

Ooh something weird and wonderful happened to me yesterday. I went to the loo at a gig and sighed when I saw the usual long queue. But my sigh turned to laughter when I realised it was a queue for the men鈥檚 loo and there was no queue for the ladies! I never thought it possible!!
Jenny, Leeds

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A service highlighting the riches of the daily press.

So it's farewell to Fidel. And it's no prizes for guessing which paper made the most of this world leader's departure from the international stage. In fact, it could be argued that Castro's retirement is the Independent's equivalent of a red top's Premier League kiss-and-tell. It has an orgy of coverage spread over five pages.

His retirement was covered by all of the papers with various pictures of El Comandante in his military regalia. Paper Monitor is only sorry not to spot just one photograph of the former leader in his baggy Adidas tracksuit. Perhaps it would even have been enough to attract the younger Cuban voters? Oh, but silly Paper Monitor, that would of course involve "that-which-cannot-be-named" (clue: it begins with a D and rhymes with "ocracy").

Moving swiftly on, staying with the subject of slightly craggy-faced foreigners, the Daily Mail pities the poor angler who, thinking he was reeling in a weighty pike, found a "deadly" giant snakehead at the end of his line.

The predator, more often found "terrorising the warm waters of south-east Asia" was plucked from the water鈥� in Lincolnshire, despite being on a list of banned imports into the UK.

Hang on a minute, is that the Mail mentioning an illegal foreigner without blaming the government's immigration laws? A first surely?

However, some readers could be excused for missing this story, having been distracted by the oversized aftershave advert underneath of actor Ewan McGregor posing with rucksack and motorbike against an exotic misty mountainside backdrop.

Is the A-list star, with his diverse repertoire of films including Trainspotting, Moulin Rouge and Star Wars, in danger of becoming typecast? If only Che Guevara's Motorcycle Diaries hadn't been done as a film as recently as 2004.

Poor Ewan.

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"That shouldn't come out on the bill" - Restaurant owner Nigel Langsdon apologises to diners who received an obscene message on their bill.

Talk about being served up something unexpected. Diner Clare Watkin and her friends got a lot more than they bargained for when they dined at Joe Delucci's Italian restaurant in Lichfield, Staffordshire. An item on the bill contained a lewd expression, leaving Ms Watkin fuming and demanding an apology and compensation.

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Jo Jacobius of British Bottled seems to be grasping at straws to come up with what can only be called a poor (if not incorrect) defense of bottled water. Yes, providing tap water produces emissions, but nowhere near those of bottled water. and yes, Thames Water leaks, but really, what has that got to do with anything? Unless you want us to drink more so it leaks less?
R J Tysoe, London, UK

"Other anti- plots were even more bizarre, including one to make his beard fall out and ridicule him." Ouch. It must be soul-destroying to be mocked by your own facial hair.
Rowina O'Neill, Eutin, Germany

I don't know what the makers expect to hear from this , but my best guess is a repeating chorus of "blah - blah - casino - and the trade name of a certain blue pill"
QJ, Stafford, UK

Re: Adam from London's comment about inverted commas in headlines (Monday's letters). I am always puzzled when my local market sells 'English' strawberries. What are they actually?
Doris, Durham

Can someone more patient than me find out how many branches there are and the average branch size in square foot please? I'm dying to know just how much of Northern Rock I own. Is it enough to stage a picnic in the lobby of my local branch?
Clare, Luton

Picture five in this story seems to have slipped in. They're not real you know.
Dan, London

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A service highlighting the riches of the daily press.

It's day one of the Guardian's dieting column, penned by the paper's women's editor. This, as you might imagine, for the Guardian, is a delicate issue.

Weight-loss diaries have long been a staple of all the other papers, which have carried them without so much as a hint of concern about the worrying subtext for female self-regard.

But clearly this is a thorny issue for the Guardian, with its roots so firmly planted in the women's movement. And when the paper's feminist figurehead herself decides it's time to shift a few pounds鈥� how post-modern do you have to be to get pull this one off?

The result is a sort of non-dieters dieting column, in which the Guardian clearly believes it is having its cake and eating it, yet magically still not accruing the weight of the misogynistic dieting industry. She bills herself as "the reluctant dieter", for one, and repeats how she likes herself and in no way thinks ill of the fat. She decries the diet industry's reliance on "recidivism", fuelled by pasty "before" v polished "after" photos.

Perhaps future-proofing itself from any similar allegations should the reluctant dieter succeed and wish her byline photo to be updated, her "before" pic presents a well-groomed, smiling face to the world.

Meanwhile, a smirk licked round Paper Monitor's scaly lips while watching David Attenborough on telly last night. The great man, speaking about monitor lizards, pointed out that they were highly intelligent animals, had very acute senses, and "can run continuously for a very long time". Mind you, he did go on to show one clamping its jaws round a scrawny-looking rabbit so perhaps the parallels aren't that reliable.

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"I make no allegations" - Mohamed Al Fayed introduces his testimony at the Diana inquest.

Anyone would think he'd been waiting for this moment for years. Oh yes, he has, and Mr Al Fayed took full advantage despite his introduction. He accused the Duke of Edinburgh of being a racist and Nazi who had conspired with Prince Charles in the murder of Princess Diana. Tony Blair was also alleged to be a conspirator. Mr Al Fayed went on to suggest that former Scotland Yard chief Lord Stevens was corruptly influenced. The businessman also suggested the UK was not a democracy, instead being in the control of the Duke of Edinburgh and the Lord Chamberlain. No allegations in that little speech then.

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Is it a journalistic convention that you put something in a headline in quote marks when it is, in fact, not true? The story "" might make a casual reader think there is a link between cancer and heavy mobile phone use. However, it describes a study that found a (tenuous) connection between heavy mobile phone use and benign tumours. Not quite the same thing as 'cancer'.
Adam, London, UK

Your frequent snootiness towards the Metro is intriguing, as the "amusing" stories that I read in the Metro on my way in to work are usual repeated on the 成人论坛 News website by mid-morning ie the handshake tumour diagnosis story. Has anyone else spotted this trend?
AD, London

Now that is finished, could I suggest that the new phrase for something never-ending is 'Like Northern Rock paying back taxpayers'
Stoo, Lancashire, UK

I see in the action group has been cleverly named to incorporate all the letters of the town's name - but did anyone pay attention to the acronym they've formed?
Shiz , Cheshire, UK

I've just seen the headline "" So, it seems even the actors are fiddling the accounts now.
Rob Falconer, Llandough, Wales

So . Not rocket scientists then, obviously.
R J Tysoe, London

10 things? I think if you look closely you'll see there are 11 monkeys in this week's picture. The extra is an infant clinging to the belly of its mother (the one in the middle on the left side of the photo).
Scott, Atlanta, GA, USA

The Northern Rock clock is clearly showing the time of 3:19 not 3:20. An inaccuracy of nearly 2%. Is this to be the norm?
Mike Thomas, Wirral

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A service highlighting the riches of the daily press.

Oh dear, Northern Rock is back in the headlines and we know who that upsets most. Not the Chancellor of the Exchequer, the shareholders or even those with an account at the troubled bank. Nope, the sorriest faces are worn by the picture editors.

So what's it to be? A picture of a harried-looking chancellor (grey man in a grey suit); those queues of worried investors winding round the block (novel at the time, but it was almost six months ago) or, no, please, no, not the Northern Rock clock. Argh!

Paper Monitor has previously noted the neat, albeit rather exhausted, metaphor supplied by the clock outside Northern Rock's HQ, which has, invariably been pictured at 11 o'clock or, for additional drama, one minute to midnight.

Now the fate of the bank has been decided, Paper Monitor was hoping the clock would be wound down.

The Guardian clearly agrees, and has opted for a different sort of visual symbolism 鈥� a green traffic light in the foreground of a Northern Rock sign. Clever, if a little strained.

The Times and Financial Times throw their weight behind graphs 鈥� always a good indicator of a story that can't be easily illustrated.

But it's the Daily Telegraph and the Sun which just can't let go of that clock, the latter pointedly picturing it at 3.20. What can that mean? End of the school day (well, almost)? Start of kids' TV? Tea break? Dawn approaching?

Below is a selection of your thoughts on the significance of 3.20.

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"I鈥檓 hoping that perhaps no-one has heard of me there" - - Gillian Gibbons, heading off to China to teach, but this time with a bear named Barnaby - not Muhammad.

She's going to teach abroad again and, yes, she's taking a teddy. Ms Gibbons was jailed in Sudan last December for allowing her class to name a teddy bear Muhammad. She's now leaving Liverpool again to take up an 18-month post at an English-speaking school near Beijing. Her treatment in Sudan caused international outrage. But it is not known if her plight made headlines in China.

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