成人论坛

Seizing any available opportunity to be a pedant, I would like to point out that Helen Duncan ("") is in fact not "classed as a witch" as Roberta Gordon is claiming. In fact, she was classed as the opposite, as the Witchcraft Act 1735, under which she was convicted, dealt not with witchcraft but with people who falsely claimed to be able to procure spirits. Also, she wasn't even the last person convicted under the act... that was Jane Rebecca Yorke.
James , Stirling

Surprised to see reports on the Jersey care home search being listed under UK News on the 成人论坛. Has something changed which I'm not aware of?
Mike Waller, Jersey

Shame on Paper Monitor for not acknowledging the Star's well-crafted headline "When Harry Met Tali". The paper may not have much to crow about for the other 365 days of the year, but I thought that one deserved some credit.
Ben Aurelius , Reading

I for one don't believe Paper Monitor's claims not to have been part of the media blackout. Surely he/she (it?) would be the first the MoD would contact!
Nick, Glasgow

Sorry Jason True (Thursday's letters), only the middle class use "working class" as a badge of honour. You've outed yourself. Proper working class aspire to the middle class. As for me? I know my place.
Adam Steadfast, Belfast, UK

Re , presumably Mr Boyle intends to spend the following year walking around France whilst he learns German.
Tim Evans, Oxford, UK

The M&S position ("")is a far cry from the day my brother-in-law bought a pair of trouser there and refused a bag.
"You will be stopped at the door if they aren't in a bag".
"But I have a receipt"
"But they won't know it is YOUR receipt"
"But YOU will remember me won't you?
Mary, Buckinghamshire

Here in Denmark all supermarkets charge for carrier bags. They also have bottle recycling machines for beer, Coke and other bottles. You pop them in, push a button, and get some money back. I can't understand why this system has not been adopted in the UK. A monetary incentive is a sure way to get people to recycle.
Barbara, Copenhagen, Denmark

Does anyone actually remember that Sainsbury's etc. used to charge for standard carrier bags? They were a lot stronger than the flimsy, poorly designed free ones that all the supermarkets switched to about 20 years ago.
G Matthews, Spalding, UK

The germ "C. diff." is in the news. But why is it that everybody when they say its full name "Clostridium difficile" pronounce its specific name "difficil" as if it were French. Species names are Latin and "difficile" is the neutral form of "difficilis", to accord with "Clostridium". Surely it should be pronounced "diffissilay" or even if you want to be pedantic "diffikilay".
Explanation please!
Fran莽ois Crompton-Roberts, London

""
Is that a real quote? In Prisoner Cell Block H they were called "bikies" not "bikers".

Mrs M.Wilkins, London

Re Chandra's letter: Tom Lehrer wrote a great song about how wonderful a nuclear apocalypse would be, as the simultaneous death of everyone in the world would spare any grief! Although I must say Phillip Hodson's view is rather optimistic for someone who seems to specialise in depression...
Joel Horne, Tokyo, Japan

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Snippets from the week's news, sliced, diced and processed for your convenience.

1. 23% of plastic bags used in the UK are from Tesco.

2. Someone is deported every eight minutes, according to the Home Office.

3. In 1752, the day after 2 September was 14 September.

4. Ugandan tribes recognise and deal with depression.

5. 70% of mental health inpatients are smokers.

6. For the first time in US history, more than one in every 100 American adults is behind bars.

7. There are 200-300 quakes in the UK every year.

8. Teenagers are having fewer babies.

9. Web browser Netscape Navigator once commanded 90% of internet traffic. Now it is 0.6%.

10. It is possible to donate half a liver.

Seen 10 things? . Thanks to Margaret Emerson of Coventry for this week's picture of 10 alliums, taken at a flower show in Southport.

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A service highlighting the riches of the daily press.

How could Paper Monitor have been so remiss; so inattentive; so thoughtless in not putting two and two together at the sudden absence of stories about Prince Harry stumbling out of various Kensington nightclubs and surmised that something was going on?

Did no-one else suspect anything? What about the paps who gather outside the likes of Boujis or Mahikis every evening鈥� did they not ponder why their most lucrative quarry had suddenly gone to ground? Or were they too in on the media-MoD pact? Clearly this is a tactic that assures only rapidly diminishing returns from now on.

If the Taleban have any nouse about them, by now they'll have signed up to the PopBitch newsletter, sent off for their Grazia subscription and be keeping a watching brief on that heir apparent to the throne, Australia's magazine.

Returning to Her Majesty's Press (a flippant epithet that has proved somewhat self-determining given the events of the past 24 hours), there's not an awful lot to choose between today's crop thanks to the fact that much of the Harry coverage was handled on basis 鈥� one correspondent working on behalf of the entire press.

The virtually unsung hero of the day is the Press Association's chief reporter John Bingham. All those quotes from Harry about Terry Taleban, not having a shower for four days and there being no safer place than with the Gurkhas that appear in all the papers 鈥� they're Bingham's. While the Mirror runs Bingham's interview verbatim, most of the others pepper his quotes into more elaborate pieces by-lined by their own staff reporters. (The Times, at least, has the good grace to credit Bingham, albeit at the very end of its main story.)

Discounting all the pool material, Paper Monitor must get its kicks where it can鈥� like the Mirror's headline Dirty Harry, the Sun's poster (Paper Monitor will have to take this on trust as said artefact seems to have fallen out of its copy) and the Independent's utter, steadfast refusal to play up to the publicity value of the story by not mentioning it at all on its front page.

It all rather knocks the Battle of Plastic Bagistan off the agenda, although the Mail is claiming "victory" after Gordon Brown committed to a plastic bag levy. So is that it then? With the PM behind its campaign the fight must surely be over. It will go down in history as the other Three Day War.

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Today's was about the recreation of JS Bach's face using a replica skull.

The Centre for Forensic and Medical Arts at Dundee was commissioned by the Bachhaus Museum in Germany to recreate the face of Bach, who only once sat for a painted portrait in his lifetime.

They were given a bronze replica of his skull and they are confident the resulting picture (the one on the right) is how he would have looked.

Allowing for the rather modern haircut - not very 18th Century church organist - there is a resemblance to the portrait on the left by Elias Haussmann in 1746, which suggests both Hausmann and the University of Dundee have done a pretty good job.

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See the Quote of the Day every morning on the .

"The world is being drowned in the detritus of a greedy society" - Winner's Dinners' columnist and bon viveur Michael Winner

The occasional film director has lent his support to the campaign to cut down on the use of plastic bags, as highlighted in the Daily Mail this week and endorsed by Gordon Brown and Marks and Spencers.

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So, M&S charging for warrants third-top billing on the 成人论坛 News front page. Well, if you're working class and shop in Netto or Kwiksave, you've been paying for your plastic bags for years. Welcome to our world, middle class.
Jason True, Newcastle Upon Tyne, UK

We haven't needed "free" for years. We bought two large, robust carriers from Waitrose in 1980. We are now, 28 years later just coming to the end of our SECOND set. It really isn't difficult and simply carrying on with plastic bags is downright lazy and irresponsible.
David Aarons, Hemel Hempstead, UK

Interesting that on the day that Marks and Spencer announce a ban on to 'save the environment', Coca-Cola were again unveiled as the most popular brand in the UK. How many plastic bottles are produced and thrown away each year. Rememenber that Coca-cola also own many other brands of Soft Drinks and Bottled Water. A plastic bag has a dramatic impact on the environment and wildlife, but then so does a plastic bottle cap, or the plastic strips that hold 6 packs together.
Dave King

Wiltshire County Council are investigating street that can be turned off at night. I'm sure I'm missing something here, but isn't that when they're needed the most?
Keith, Dartford

Is it me, or does Philip Hodson (of the British Association for Counselling and Psychotherapy) have a rather bizarre definition of ""?
Chandra, London

Did anyone else check today's date to ensure it isn't April 1st, directly after reading today's ?
James Aldous, Coventry

I'd just like to point out that if i were a more paranoid person I would take it extremely personally that the site crashed every time I tried to post a comment. It has failed horribly to accept my comments on the last two Friday Funs and also on the item about carrier bags. Why doesn't the 成人论坛 like my internet connection? Is broadband just too mundane?
Sarah B, IOW, UK

Monitor: Apologies to those struggling to submit comments to the Monitor. See here for an explanation as to the likely cause... and some hopeful news about it being fixed.

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Bag for life, hessian sack, wicker basket, panniers, backpack, tartan emblazoned "shopper"鈥� how do you haul your shopping home if you don't use a plastic bag?

With Marks and Spencer's announcement that it is to , pressure is growing on both supermarkets and individuals to find alternative ways of carting home the weekly shop.

Environmental campaigners want a fixed tax on plastic bags, but many shoppers will not take easily to being charged for something they have come to expect to be free. Some 13 billion bags are given free to UK shoppers every year, and they take an estimated 1,000 years to decay.

Yet many consumers already boycott free plastic bags and are finding alternative ways to get their groceries home. If you're one of them, what's your alternative? And how easy is it compared to the ubiquitous free plastic bag?

Thanks for all your suggestions. A selection can be found .

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A service highlighting the riches of the daily press.

Latest despatch from the hessian frontline鈥�

After yesterday's unilateral declaration of war on the plastic bag from the Daily Mail, the Daily Telegraph is piling in with reinforcement troops today in the shape of its own "Free eco-friendly bag for every reader" offer.

Exactly how this will sit alongside the rival Mail's free eco bag offer is unclear and fears are growing of a "blue on blue", or should that be "green on green", situation.

Nevertheless, the support of the former colonial power that is the Telegraph will add credibility to the agenda of the brash and strident tabloid superpower that has led the charge, and clearly shows a growing resolve in the right-of-centre camp around this issue.

However, after yesterday's surprise nine-page strike by the Mail on the rogue republic of Plastic Bagistan, questions are being raised about its long-term commitment to regime change鈥� by Thursday it had scaled back its forces to just seven pages.

An indication of wavering commitment? Or perhaps a belief that with Marks and Spencer's capitulation - it has announced it is to start charging for plastic bags - the Mail's shock and awe campaign has set in chain a rebellion from within. Are we witnessing the first of several casualties in the fabled ?

Who will be next to fall? Tesco, Sainsbury's, er, Budgens鈥�

In tandem with this military assault, the Mail has thrown its might behind a hearts and minds campaign. It is a tactic which reveals the paper will stop at nothing to make its point鈥� even employing techniques pioneered by its reviled ideological foes at the Guardian and the Independent. Yes, the paper is offering all readers an "educational wildlife wall-chart" dominated by a picture of a dolphin.

With events moving at such a pace there's no telling where or when it will end, but senior sources in the besieged capital of Polythenia fear they could be ousted and exiled to a sympathetic landfill by the weekend.

ends

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"I'd give up all the sex in the world to be able to see a red letterbox again" - John Pettigrew, who took so much
Viagra his vision has turned blue.

When Viagra was launched in the late 1990s [""] there was much talk about how irresponsible use of the drug designed to help impotence could be dangerous, especially for men with severe heart disease or low blood pressure. But here's one side effect that didn't receive much coverage. John Pettigrew, 58, topped up his prescribed dose with pills ordered on the net and is now blaming this over consumption for turning his vision blue. Why was he so reckless? "I was having too much fun," he said.

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My Mother comes from Lincolnshire. (Who invented "north east Lincolnshire" by the way?) The epicentre of the was in Lincolnshire. So why are the vast majority of photos of the damage from Yorkshire? Couldn't any of the 成人论坛 photographers be bothered to drive those few extra miles into a largely forgotten county?
J Paul Murdock, West Midlands, UK

I certainly felt the move last night. How was it for you?
Simon Lytton, Coventry

Re: 'No charges after robber's '. It says: "The CPS understands that anxiety may sometimes be felt by innocent members of the public if they are obliged to defend themselves from attack." May? Sometimes? Now, either I'm particularly cowardly, or the assistant district crown prosecutor for south west Lancashire, John Dilworth, is over-estimating the bravery levels of your average member of the public.
Sue, London

Re: at Parliament. So "The protesters, who have been throwing paper planes off the roof, have been joined by police." Any idea who won the prize for throwing the farthest?
Lester Mak, London, UK

In reference to Helen, Leicester regarding Mothers Day (Tuesday's letters). My parents died when I was small and my aunt cared for me as a mother, therefore I am appreciative that on Mothers Day I have the opportunity to thank her for being my "mother". That said, I do detect a degree of money making!
Clare, London

Regarding quote of the day (and the it came from) - these would be the that were around 150 million years ago ?
Paul Greggor, London, UK

To Helen of Leicester about Mother's Day cards for other female releatives (Tuesday's letters). When looking for a Valentine's card I saw one which said: "To My Son on Valentines' Day.".I thought that sort of relationship was illegal.
Mark, Guildford, UK

To Basil Long (Tuesday's letters), because it is equidistant between the two?
Gemma, London

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A service highlighting the riches of the daily press.

It's all very well to organise late, late, late editions for elections but earthquakes don't tend to announce their arrival months ahead on 成人论坛 News 24.

So when large parts of England and Wales were rocked at 1am by the biggest quake in decades, most of the newspaper printing presses were warming down and staff heading home.

Top marks to the Times, which sneaks a brief mention on to its front page (marked "2am") with a full story, map and factbox on page two.

The website arm of these papers is the chief beneficiary in such circumstances, for there is no knocking off at midnight for web reporters.

But wait, what's this? Has Paper Monitor done the Daily Mirror a disservice? A "3am exclusive" is proclaimed on its front page.

All is revealed on page 17, but it's more turbulence than earthquake - Sienna Miller and Rhys Ifans "shamelessly cavorting" on a plane back from Los Angeles. Did the Earth move for them, one is forced to wonder.

Elsewhere, there's a front page classic. The headline calls for plastic bags to be banished and the picture is of a rare turtle caught up in one of the aforementioned bags. It's the real forte of the Independent.

But what's this? This front page appears to be on the Daily Mail. Was the story on its way to the Indy when it took a wrong turn? What's more, the Mail dedicates nine pages to its placcy bag crusade.

Strange times.

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"A large pliosaur was big enough to pick up a small car in its jaws and bite it in half " - Palaeontologist Richard Forrest

Describing monstrous fossil remains found in Spitspergen, in the Arctic island chain of Svalbard, palaeontologist Richard Forrest shows his knack for explaining things for the non-palaeontologist audience. The Monster, as the creature is nicknamed, is the largest marine reptile ever known.

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To Becky Adamson in Monday鈥檚 letters, I鈥檝e no idea how one would pronounce the name of the Kosovan state of 鈥淪trpce鈥�, but if someone says it for you, I think the correct response would be 鈥渂less you鈥�.
Bob Peters, Leeds, UK

Can anyone explain why the following is in the list of published today?
Father Jack Hackett - Father Ted. "Drink! Feck! Arse! Girls!"
Surely it's just a drunken outburst that isn't usually directed at anyone in particular.
Fi, Gloucestershire, UK

It's Mothering Sunday on Sunday. Whilst trying to find a card for my own mother, I found cards for aunties, grannies, cousins, sisters, sisters-in-law, godmothers and wives. Mother's Day should be only for your own mother. I have only given cards and pressies to my mother and not for any other female relative. Another excuse for card companies to milk in more money.
Helen, Leicester

Yes, Rob, if your wife only has sex with you because you buy her chocolate (Monday's letters), you should be worried.
Sara, Malm枚, Sweden

I could understand if you wore your dressing gown d茅collet茅, Mike, Newcastle upon Tyne, (Monday's letters) but what is a "worn decolletage"? Je vais prendre mon manteau
Keith, Lismore, Ireland

Would someone please explain what on earth is, and whether there could be variations based on other board games. I somehow like the sound of Speed Dating Kerplunk.
Malcolm, Swansea, UK

The Vice-President of Nigeria, Goodluck Jonathan, has a wonderful name (""), but doesn't he occasionally find it difficult to work out whether people want to check his name or merely encourage him?
Mark, Reading

Re "". They obviously don't buy their own trousers then !
Paul Greggor, London, UK

Can we get a follow-up piece on how the detects passengers in the back seat?
Simon, Milton Keynes

That headline 鈥溾��. Isn鈥檛 that the problem?
Stig, London, UK

After successfully recognising the picture in today's Mini-Quiz as an F1 steering wheel, I am left wondering where the horn is.
Stoo, Lancashire, UK

Can anyone explain to me why the London Scottish Bank ("")has its headquarters in Manchester - being neither London nor Scotland?
Basil Long, Newark Notts

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A service highlighting the riches of the daily press.

So after yesterday鈥檚 dearth of Oscar coverage, a sigh of relief here at Paper Monitor Towers, on glimpsing the words red carpet throughout today鈥檚 press. Phew. At last.

And of course, with that extra day鈥檚 wait, the papers have had even more time to concentrate not only on who won what, but more importantly, who wore what. And boy, did they go for it.

Both the Times and Guardian have gone supersize LA-style with supplement specials on what they see as a litany of fashion triumph and faux pas. Notable amidst their weighty coverage was the lack of post-ceremony tittle tattle. Although the same cannot be said of the cheekier residents of Fleet Street - the Sun and Daily Mirror 鈥� for whom it鈥檚 all about the more 鈥榬elaxed鈥� antics taking place at the after parties.

Even the self-proclaimed impartial Independent feels the need to pass judgement on the stars鈥� choice of attire, giving actress Jessica Alba the 鈥渨hen in doubt plant some parsley in your bodice鈥� award. It went on in that typically Indy-wordy way to say that 鈥渢his might also have been given The Most Boring Dress in The World Award were it not for the appearance of a bunch of strange, beetroot-coloured foliage at its bodice鈥�. Miaow.

There is at least one consolation for those leaving the ceremony empty-handed. The fashionistas could never be accused of favouring a winner. This year鈥檚 prime example being flame-haired Brit, Tilda Swinton. If the winner of the Best Supporting Actress was the sort to let compliments rush to her head, the verdict on her dress would surely be enough to bring her back down to Earth with one almighty crash.

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"I feel as if my own daughter is getting married" - Mamina, carer of the bride Jhumuri at a monkey 'wedding' in eastern India.

The "bride" was dressed in a sari and flowers. The guests enjoyed rice, lentils and vegetable.

So far, so normal for a Hindu wedding. One small difference - the happy couple was two monkeys.

The ritual mirrored the local traditions of a human wedding. But in a neat reversal of the chauvinistic description of UK wives as "'er indoors" or "ball and chain", this unique ceremony marked the end of captivity for Manu and Jhumuri.

Since their chains were unlocked, they have been spotted "hanging out" at the temple.

Send us your suggested headlines for this story, using the form below. The best will be posted throughout the day.

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For those led here by the answer to today's Daily Mini-Quiz, here is a picture of Kimi Raikkonen's (detachable) Ferrari steering wheel, sitting on his gloves after a test session at the Catalonia racetrack in Montmelo near Barcelona on Monday.

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I spent most of Friday afternoon looking forward to a witty letter on here about the absurd picture at the top of . Having failed to come up with one myself, and being already in awe of the wit of the Monitor's reader - and 5pm comes round - nothing. Not a peep. Not even a mention of those hideous slippers.
Chandra, London

A bit late I know, but a thought on Friday's Paper Monitor: on some reality show or another last year, Ms Klass was doing an outside broadcast with a rather exuberant crowd. She described said crowd as "going literally mental". Oh dear.
The Bob, Glasgow

Re 10 things: It may well be true that the G-spot can be located by ultrasound, but surely I'm not alone in thinking that there is a real risk that it could spoil the moment?
Adam, London, UK

The "ten carrots" (or ten slices of carrot, to be pedantic) are quite clearly depicting the number 11 in Roman numerals. Why?
KM, Coventry

Just for the record, for last night's Oscars I was wearing a brushed nylon Matalan dressing gown, worn decolletage with Marmite and Ryvita crumb trim, accessorised with black Primark socks.
Mike, Newcastle upon Tyne

Your story notes the pledge that "The government will encourage the protection of live music venues". So is that more jobs for bouncers?
Mark, Reading

Can someone tell me why it is, that when I look at the 成人论坛 weather for "Eastern Europe" and "Northern Europe" (they show almost the same map!) the weather reports are always totally different? Which one am I to believe?
Richard Savage, Plzen, Czech Republic

So Harriet Harman and others think that paying for sex should be made illegal? Should I be worried about that box of Milk Tray I bought my wife last week?
Rob Falconer, Llandough, Wales

Emma, London (Letters, Friday) - The two stories you mention don't actually contradict each other. They simply point out two facts about sleeping. Naps could, in fact, boost your memory whilst warning of a stroke.
It's late in the day. I'm allowed to be a pedant.
Rob, Birmingham, UK

A challenge for the pronunciation guide writer: how on earth do you pronounce the name of the Kosovan state of Strpce?
Becky Adamson, KL Malaysia

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A service highlighting the riches of the daily press.

It's the morning after the big night before and as usual Paper Monitor is on the look out for some magic lantern-inspired Oscar night trickery in Her Majesty's press. With the crippling eight-hour time difference between LA and London, the papers are desperate to capture some of the mood of the night while skating over the small omission that all the results came in too late even for the last editions.

Both the Mail and the Telegraph picture Cate Blanchett on their front pages, the latter noting "Cate captures the spirit of the Oscars". Indeed she may have done, but not in THAT picture, which was taken of Blanchett attending the Independent Spirit Awards on Saturday.

The Mail at least has a pun that references Blanchett's pregnancy: "And the Oscar for best supported bump goes to鈥�"

But what's this, some discord among the judges鈥� rival Daily Express reserves its award for best bump for Angelina Jolie. "If there had been an Academy award for best baby bump, the actress would have won it." Paper Monitor calls for a steward's inquiry.

There's little room for such frivolities on the front of the Sun, which brings us the results of its death penalty poll. "99% of you want this" says the paper, picturing a judge with an executioner's cap.

The "you" in this case is Sun readers, voting in a phone poll set up by the paper. And while there's near unanimity among the paper's public, things are less clear cut among its columnists, with four out of six (that's a persuasive 66%) coming out against capital punishment.

Even the Sun itself doesn't believe in the death penalty 鈥� a point it establishes firmly in its editorial. "There is no strong evidence that the risk of execution deters criminals."

All of which would seem to drive a fairly substantial wedge between paper and audience.

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"Mostly we just sit around making catty remarks about the outfits you're all wearing at home" - Oscars host Jon Stewart on what happens during commercial breaks.

It's the ultimate public speaking gig - compering the Academy Awards, and this year saw the return of Daily Show host Jon Stewart. Two years ago Stewart struggled, with sketches falling flat and a number of lines bombing, says 成人论坛 entertainment reporter Ben Sutherland. But this time things went more smoothly with a host of well-received quips. Referring to the Oscar-nominated Away From Her, Stewart remarked: "A moving story of a woman who forgets her husband. Hillary Clinton called it the feel-good movie of the year."

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