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Snippets from the week's news, sliced, diced and processed for your convenience.

1. Stars make noise.

2. Fast eaters are more likely to be obese.

3. 'Stink bomb' gas can control blood pressure.

4. Alan Bennett does not own a computer.

5. Peeling sticky tape emits X-rays.

6. Gay couples can't commit adultery.

7. Kate Moss's favourite drink is a vodka tonic.

8. Robin Gibb has never watched Saturday Night Fever all the way through.

9. Warm drinks aid friendship.

10. The Smurfs have sold more than 10 million albums in the last three years.

Seen 10 things? . Thanks to Joe Jordan of Sheffield for this week's picture of 10 ripening tomatoes.

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Is this a great irony, or a hoax? In , the band Anvil were "were formed in Toronto by Kudlow and his schoolfriend Robb Reiner".
Rob Reiner of course directed the greatest rockumentry ever - This is Spinal Tap. Are they related??
Jimlad, Paris

I'd like to propose that the 13th month be called Octember. Then maybe I'll finally get that big green kangaroo.
Iain, Sheffield

Quote of the day, from the News Channel's coverage of the rural housing market on Friday: "There's really no way to underestimate the impact of this on the economy." Which means that the rest of the report is necessarily an overestimate.
Ian Kemmish, Biggleswade, UK

From : "There are a host of (Somali) pirates, but they don't identify themselves with eye-patches and hook hands so it isn't immediately obvious that they are pirates." Quote of the day, surely!
Martin, Bristol, UK

Can we add "décolletage" (Paper Monitor, Friday) to the list of words which are only ever used by newspapers?
HB, London

People have fingered Paper Monitor as an American before, through the use of "green thumb" and other such expressions. I wasn't sure and had a letter published saying s/he may use these expressions by virtue of being a London media type. However Paper Monitor has now used "disoriented". Surely all true sons of Albion, meeja types or not, use "disorientated". I therefore have to join the "PM is American" camp.
Ken, Hornchurch, Essex

I don't understand your confusion over Cameron's straightforward idiom. I've usually seen it as "if my grandmother had wheels, she'd be a cart" - it means don't worry about hypothetical scenarios that are (in the speaker's opinion) highly unlikely. Rather like "if wishes were horses". If Paper Monitor were told it was raining cats and dogs, would s/he think that domestic animals genuinely were dropping from the skies?

Mark, Reading (Your Letters, Thursday) - Kerry Katona used to be in Atomic Kitten (think bad, bad cover of the Bangles' Eternal Flame), she then left because she fell head over heels with one of Westlife, popped out a couple of kids, got big breasts and made a lot of noise when her Westlife husband was linked to Aussie songstress Delta Goodrem (she who used to be in Neighbours, recorded an album and then got cancer. But not Kylie). Kerry then drank lots, had lots of falling outs with her mum/foster mum, took drugs, went to rehab and is now married to a taxi driver. Oh, and spending lots of time talking about herself on MTV One. Put it down to age that I know all this. I really wish I didn't.
Molly, Dorking

The first time I heard of Kerry Katona was on the (ironically named, because, really, have you ever heard of any of the contestants?) I'm a Celebrity, Get Me Out of Here. Apparently she was in Atomic Kitten before that, and married one of Westlife or some other boy band. They split up and she got her revenge by continually irritating him on Iceland ads. The rest of the nation are collateral damage I'm afraid.
Louise, Surrey

Lucy (Your Letters, Wednesday), I once rang the fire station to ask for the fire safety officer, because I wanted my house to be checked for fire hazards. "Oh, he's not in, but we'll send someone 'round," the guy said. Five minutes later, a large fire engine and five burly firemen arrived. Their driver stayed in the vehicle so they could speed off in an emergency, and the rest came in to look around and drink cups of tea. Not that I'm complaining!
M Ross, Lancaster, UK

After a shaky start this morning (the cat decided to tree itself) the day is looking up as Gosford Park is on TV tonight and I scored full marks on 7 questions for the first time ever! How about publishing this letter and making it the best Friday ever...
Monitor: Now where did that reader's name go?

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Winning entries in the caption competition.

This week's picture is a giant mock-up of a mineral's crystal lattice at the Terra Mineralia exhibition at Freudenstein Palace in Freiberg, eastern Germany. But what's going on?

The competition is now closed.

Thanks to all who entered. The prize of a small amount of kudos to the following:

6. SeanieSmith
Just days after asking his girlfriend to move in, Dave has second thoughts when the scatter cushions are unpacked.

5. Guv1985
After yet another humiliating defeat, Juande Ramos goes to his happy place.

4. opaqueprawn2
"Perhaps" thought the gym teacher on reflection, "the sex education classes were a little TOO abstract."

3. SundayParkGeorge
After the LHC breakdown, the hunt for the Higgs Boson takes a manual approach.

2. Woundedpride
Now her partner had finished painting the room, Fiona hoped the effects of the paint fumes would diminish.

1. AmusedofSwindon
Ripley could feel the first egg hatching and knew that today was going to be a very, very bad day.

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A service highlighting the riches of the daily press.

A yes, a no or a maybe? It can be so hard to tell sometimes.

Asked if he would sack George Osborne if it turned out that he had not told the truth about Yachtgate, David Cameron no doubt thought his response was both bullishly supportive AND one in the eye to nosy doorstepping reporters.

But Paper Monitor is a bear of little brain, particularly on a Friday, and his answer in the Times is: "If my mother had wheels, she would be a bicycle."

But even if she had wheels, she wouldn't necessarily be a bicycle. She might be a wooden pull-along toy of the type given to middle class toddlers. Or a hybrid car. Or a ministerial Jag ferrying a neatly folded shirt and a pair of freshly polished brogues around town. Or even a sledge pulled by huskies. No wait, not that last one.

So, clear as mud, then. Mr Cameron has no intention of sacking Mr Osborne. Or does he? It all depends on what type of vehicle Ma Cameron is.

Moving right along to Sarah Palin, totin' a gun in a patriotic bikini. Because, laydees, today it's all about you.

The Guardian's Women page runs the afore-mentioned doctored photo (as if she'd hunt moose while wearing a swimsuit - it's cold in Alaska) and ponders why feminists are not having a paddy about misogynistic depictions of the VP-in-waiting.

Why indeed? And why the need to reprint the doctored picture of Ms Palin? Paper Monitor keenly awaits the musings of the paper's Readers' Editor.

Madonna, too, may recognise this kind of treatment and defence that is deafening in its silence. Although the Daily Mail's Amanda Platell offers a sort of helping hand with her piece entitled "Yes I've banished my crinkly cleavage".

Madge would no doubt feel far better after reading Platell's musings on how, now she [Madonna] is 50, the pop queen's famous bosoms have no doubt morphed into a "wrinkled old décolletage". The writer then segues into a several hundred words about a procedure that sounds both pricey and uncomfortable.

"In these times of financial uncertainty, a £1,200 treatment may seem a bit rich but frankly a fabulous new décolletage may be just the pick-up a woman needs."

Lost not so much for words as to where to start, Paper Monitor moves swiftly back to G2, whose efforts to personalise stories by putting journos front and centre is starting to prove confusing.

It was OK when G2 sent Pascal, Maxton and Merope out busking in 2003; those are Guardian names (and set those at Magazine Towers to thinking about how they might turn their own names into Guardian names... Europeanisation, for a start).

But now the ubiquitous - a youngish lifestyle writer whose name and face often appear in those teaser slots on the front page - has been joined by , who according to today's teaser "said M&S was dull and uncool - so the boss took her shopping". At first glance, Guardian readers might think that nice Laura Barton has dyed her hair blonde.

So confusing. But if dissing a certain store in print results in a VIP shopping trip, then Paper Monitor would like to diss Prada. Or Selfridges. Or Savile Row in general. Or Margaret Howell. Hell, even Homebase.

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I find it quite incredible that a day after we have a minister, Lord Drayson, believing that in a race to nowhere is really going to inspire future generations in this country. We are in the Space Age where the sky is now not a limiting factor, only gravity is. We need to inspire our children not just to become engineers but biologists, geologists, physicists, mathematicians and chemists. This car has a very limited potential in both time and space.
Matthew Lees, Milton Keynes

The story repeatedly refers to "So-called usage caps, where internet service providers limit the amount of bandwidth users can have in any given month." The term "bandwidth" should only be used as a measure of "width" of a pipe. The story is complicating an already confusing issue. If you exceed your USAGE LIMIT an ISP may cap your BANDWIDTH, for example limiting the speed of your connection at peak hours. The term bandwidth should never be confused with a usage cap. If an ISP banned you for "exceeding your bandwidth" then a water company may well cut off your supply for having your pipes too large!
Anon

With the suggestion of 13 28-day months (Your Letters, Wednesday) what do we call the new month? As a big Simpsons fan, I'd like to propose Smarch.
Mike, Edinburgh, UK

Dear Monitor, I know you'll think I'm out of touch with the vibrant, groovy happening Britain we all live in, but can I ask a question? What is this Kerry Katona famous for exactly? I ask because, other than hearing the name, I have no idea who she is. (Put it down to age).
Mark, Reading, UK

Re Depressed about political scandal stories (Paper Monitor, Thursday). This side of the pond the fashion police have finally caught up with Palin for spending $150K on designer clothes and makeup since being picked for McCain's running mate. Another case of have and have yachts with a political twist (or updo)?
Candace, New Jersey, US

Re Your Letters, Wednesday, Heaven and Paradise may be here in the UK, but Hell must have frozen over as it's in Stjordal, Norway
Adrian Salamon, Whitehaven

Obviously the atheist bus will be going to Hell (Stjordal, Norway according to Google Maps). Hope it wraps up warm.
Steve, Catford

Another suggestion for the atheist bus (Your Letters, Wednesday) singalong could be Rational Express, as made famous by the Divine Comedy.

Samuel, Leeds

There seems to be some confusion with the order of events in: . The first account is that the Queen watched the performance and then was presented with her gift. The second account describes that the Queen was given a Stallion, and then watched the display. I hope the Queen will write in tomorrow and inform us which order of events is correct.
Andy , Bradford

"" I don't think so. "Newly-discovered feathered dinosaur," please!
Clive DuPort, Vale, Guernsey

Lucy (Your Letters, Wednesday), I think the Fire Brigade get paid the same whether they are waiting at the fire station for an emergency call, or round someone's house fishing for hamsters. If there was an emergency call I think they'd probably go respond to it rather than staying to play with the hamster.
Thomas Cogley, Maidstone, UK

Where are the goddamn letters today, hmmm?
Mr Impatient

Monitor: hmmm indeed

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See the Quote of the Day every morning on the index.

"I might as well have said I was a paedophile" - Investment banker seeks advice of FT's agony aunt

"At a dinner party last Saturday I was asked by a fellow guest what I did and I said I was an investment banker," runs the letter to the Financial Times' agony aunt, Lucy Kellaway. "Suddenly the whole table - all friends of my wife from the art world - turned on me with such venom I was really taken aback." The embattled writer, who describes himself simply as "male, 42" goes on to ask: "Next time this happens - and I fear there will be a next time - should I accept guilt for what isn't my fault, or should I lie and say I'm a librarian?"

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A service highlighting the riches of the daily press.

The trouble with political scandals is that while the headlines are bold enough, the news-skimming public very quickly become disoriented by the complex machinations that got us into this mess.

At which point the papers are wont to call on their - wince - information architects, to set out the story in easy-to-interpret graphical format. The Times takes the contrived route of illustrating the connections between those involved as arrows that form in the outline of a yacht (see pic, top). Oleg Deripaska is represented at the mast, Nathanial Rothschild the hull and Peter Mandelson is what looks like the waste pipe. Confusingly, George Osborne isn't here at all. Man overboard perhaps.

The Daily Mirror (right, middle) perplexingly transports this very nautical affair into a sort of metro map - with Osborne, Deripaska, Mandelson and multiple Murdochs, among others, depicted as stations and the connections between them train lines. Never one to baulk at exhausting a metaphor, Paper Monitor concludes that Deripaska is the King's Cross of the outfit, David Cameron the Paddington and poor Roman Abramovich the Ruislip Gardens.

The Guardian's diagram (right, bottom) also has a ring of a train map, although the lines are more swirly than rigid and straight.

It's enough to make the head hurt, although quite whether it's going to dispatch one into a bottomless pit of depression is less sure. Paper Monitor only wonders because the Sun cites Yachtgate, along with the GFC, as an excuse for a "happy page" which is newspaperly the equivalent of Kirsty's Home Videos - a picture of a pig in wellies, another of a baby sitting in a watermelon, a man selling "genuine fake watches" and, yes, a big-breasted woman in a tight Obama campaign vest.

Are people really depressed by political scandal stories, or just bamboozled?

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"He already has big hair. All he needs now is the leather trousers" - Gordon Brown is a closet metal fan, according to Sacha Gervasi, director of the film Anvil, which was produced by the prime minister's brother-in-law

Macaulay revealed the Prime Minister's secret passion at the premiere of his rock doc Anvil! The Story of Anvil, adding that Gordon and Sarah have "great big speakers at No 10". Perhaps, rather like a tin-foil wrapped cucumber, he is exaggerating. Or perhaps not.

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Re Clive Anderson's , one thing he doesn't mention is that people complaining about political correctness are more likely to be white, straight, male, and so on. Or, to put it shortly, much less likely to suffer, be intimidated or oppressed by, feel threatened or hurt because of sexist, racist, homophobic and other discriminatory comments. For many of us who do suffer from the awful things people say about us, people bemoaning political correctness gone mad are as depressing as any demo or angry mob.
Hugh, London

Rory from Iver (Tuesday letters) - you're right, we'd do much better to have four seven-day weeks per lunar cycle of 28 days, and 13 of these lunar cycles each year, with just one extra day (holiday, preferably) needed to make up the difference. And you can remember the days in each month with the following rhyme:
"28 days hath September, April, June and November. All the rest hath 28, excepting February alone, which hath 28 as well."
Peter Clarkson, Surrey, UK

It's not that odd to have system with 365 days in a year, as that's the number of days it takes to go round the sun. If Rory has come up with a way to change the length of days or years into more convenient metric lengths, let me know.
Brendan, London

Who will be the one to write in with the "Thank God for atheism" joke (Quote of the Day)?
Nigel Macarthur, London, England

If there's a sing-song on the atheist bus, can I suggest, Yes We Have No Nirvanas?
Mike, Newcastle upon Tyne

Heaven may be in Pilsby (Monday letters), but I've found Paradise - Hemel Hempstead, Herts, HP1 1HH.
Gordon, Walton on Thames, Surrey

What a lovely photo of . Surely, though, even the most zonked-out heavy metal head should be able to work out which one she is without having to be told?
Graham, Purmerend, Netherlands

What a disgusting waste of the emergency services' time and resources is.
Lucy, Maidstone, Kent

In anticipation of the 2012 Magazine Letters Contributors' League Table being compiled, could I point out that I am not in fact the Daniel that had his letter published yesterday. Thank you.
Daniel, London

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A service highlighting the riches of the daily press.

Is it possible to ever tire of those Bullingdon Club photos of the new-look touchy-feely Tories in their youth?

The fresh faces, the artfully tousled locks, the white-lapelled tail jackets, the biscuit-coloured waistcoats and - oh! - the bow ties. If one were to cross Brideshead Revisited with The Breakfast Club, this would surely be the result.

First there was the of David Cameron, Boris Johnson and chums in the elite Oxford dining club circa 1986.

Now, with the contretemps over , another has surfaced of George Osborne and his now former friend Nat Rothschild as Bullingdon boys.

The picture from 1992 appears in the Dailies Mail and Telegraph and the Guardian alongside articles on the man who hung the shadow chancellor out to dry.

As if to illustrate that there are not that many people in the country who can count a Rothschild amongst their university chums, the Times lets slip that Mr Osborne is "the son of a baronet and a debutante".

With the affair dominating the papers, you could read thousands of words about a rarefied world of besuited students who grow up to holiday in lavish Corfu villas and attend parties on oligarchs' yachts.

Or you could just look at the pictures.

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"People don't like being preached at" - Steven Green of Christian Voice condemning atheist posters on London buses.

The British Humanist Association is planning to display the slogan "There's probably no God. Now stop worrying and enjoy your life" on the side of London buses, eliciting this paradoxical response from avowed Christian Steve Green.

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Does that mean the atheists aren't entirely certain?
Looking for answers, Leeds, UK

says Stephen Green of pressure group Christian Voice. That's the funniest thing I've read all day.
John Bratby, Southampton

is an image I now can't get out of my mind. "How can I help you today, you stupid boy?" Anyone else out there in the same position?
Nigel Macarthur, London, England

First time writer, long time reader. Is it too much to hope that the qualifies as nominally determinative?
Daniel, London

Can I just say congrats to both the author and commentor Mark on. I was already chuckling from the authors comment to "watch paint dry" rather than read it, but Mark's comment made me giggle so much I fell off my chair.
Sarah-Michelle Saunders, Newport, S Wales

It may seem strange to "modern minds" to have, for example three feet in a yard, but then what about time? Is it not even odder that we still use a system whereby a year is either divided up into 12 unequal segments, 365 days, or 366 days every four years?
Rory, Iver, England

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A service highlighting the riches of the daily press.

As the credit crunch/financial crisis continues, the newspapers continue their battle of the business coverage. Today sees the Daily Mail and the Sun going head to head under the banner of fighting for small businesses. So in "Fair deal for small firms" v "BBB: The Sun backs British business", who wins so far?

Coincidentally, the two almost mirror each in a number of ways - front page splashes, double page spreads and words of endorsement from David Cameron. But if Paper Monitor had to, really had to, come up with a winner, it would be have to be the Sun's wot won it.

Having the support of Sir Alan (does anyone actually use his surname anymore?) Sugar is a winning blow. How the Mail must be kicking itself that it didn't bag the Apprentice star for itself.

Mimicking that infamous 1914 poster of Lord Kitchener above the phrase "Your country needs YOU" with the replacement "British business needs YOU", Sir Alan's also written a lengthy article on the merits of supporting British business. This new alliance is likely to surprise regular paper monitors, knowing The Apprentice's long-held cosy relationship with the Daily Mirror throughout the series' lifetime.

And finally on to a very different kind of cover star. The Mirror's Kerry Katona "exclusive" (apart from being unashamedly taken straight out of the latest issue of Zoo magazine) - "My amazing new body". Gratuitous shots of semi-naked female or genuine news story?

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"The number of people confusing me with Tom Selleck became a problem, so the moustache had to go" - Transport Secretary Geoff Hoon

Displaying a nice line in self-deprecation, Mr Hoon (on the left in the photograph) seems to have a spring in his step since being promoted from chief whip, one year after returning to the Cabinet. After being the embattled defence secretary during the build-up to the Iraq invasion, maybe life could only get better.

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How about cutting out coffee altogether and then get the more expensive tea bags?
Edd S, Cardiff

Am I just getting old, or do look almost as young as policemen these days?
Adam, London, UK

Bob (Friday letters), who wants a graph of stock exchange performance which goes back several years, I have one and it shows that even on Black Friday the FTSE never quite dropped to the level it did in 2003 following the tech bubble burst. For that matter, before the recent fall it had never quite hit the high that it did in 2001 at the peak of that bubble. Two facts that have not been mentioned enough recently. I remember 2003 - it didn't seem all that bad at the time, did it?
Tom, London

Having scored a perfect score on both the can I safely conclude that I'm young enough to know I'm so old that I can remember?
Roarshock, Oregon, US

Well, I got five out of five for both halves too, so I'm old enough to remember and young enough to know. One thing I do know very well is that imperial measures are very, very silly, and if we were to start from scratch we wouldn't for a minute dream up a system where 16 oz = 1lb and 14lb = 1st. Metric martyrs? Severely deluded if you ask me.
John Knight, Beverley, UK

I'm not sure whether it's a good thing or not that I only got about three of your privacy-protected celebrity euphemisms (Paper Monitor). I'm in an optimistic mood and I'll go with it showing me to be not creepy enough to know these things about people I don't know, rather than the alternative, which is that I am too self-obsessed/oblivious to know these things about people I don't know.
Louise, Surrey

No, no, Kat (Friday letters). According to Google Earth, Heaven is at Thorpe Bank, Little Steeping, Spilsby PE23, UK.
Mark, Reading, UK

A wonderful example of nominative determinism in the name of the lawyer in .
Timothy, Leeds

Can I second Sue in London's support of the simple but effective "pewdle" caption competition entry (Friday letters). However I must admit the "dogging" entry made me chuckle the most, although I can fully understand why it wasn't chosen.
Mark, Portsmouth

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A service highlighting the riches of the daily press.

Here on Paper Monitor we really believe in a right to privacy. So here is the redtop celebrity news, without the names of the protagonists.

On the Sun, the front page carries the latest divorce news about the American singer with the sticky-out veins on her arms and the posh boy.

On page three it is suggested that the angelic former bassist of a popular beat combo is moving in with his "new love". Further inside there's some tittle tattle about the slightly crinkly rock star who is accused of stepping out with a rather young Russian lady.

And then it's on to the Bizarre column, where the main story is that the very Northern Irish one out of the five-piece band where the girls all wear slightly too much makeup is going to buy a hotel in Hollywood.

The Daily Mirror says that the one with the veiny forearms is to stay in Britain. Its page three contains going out tips from the TopShop designer who also does a bit of modelling, which it shamelessly culls from yesterday's Sunday Times. Further in, there are pictures of the tiny Australian one who never looks 40 on a date in Paris. Her companion is French, and male, but not *that* French male.

Then it's on to the 3am gossip pages, and the main story is about the one with the two-tone hair from the cloying American sitcom about affable acquaintances. On page 25, there's a picture of the movie star who believes that Thetans inhabit your body, with his cute daughter. A couple of pages on, there's a picture of the actress who used to be a teenage singer, then spent time in pubs with a ginger man, and now seems to be both pregnant and into tracksuits.

And it's over to the Daily Star. The front page carries a big picture of the permatanned Liverpudlian girl who used to be in a soap. She is not wearing any clothes. On page three, there's a story about the man who sometimes dresses a bit like a woman and has big lips. Apparently there's something wrong with his lips.

The same page has a story about a TV chef who wants us to stop eating so many chips. He's been swearing too much. The Welsh opera singer who isn't fat and who is blonde is off to the United States, and the Mancunian rocker who looks like Parker out of the Thunderbirds is in trouble for criticising Barnsley.

And that's your lot.

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"I never wear a watch because the passage of time depresses me" - Kirk Douglas

At 91 years old, the Hollywood acting titan has had plenty of time to get used to it, but maybe that's the point. Douglas also reveals a contradictory attitude to technology. He doesn't have a mobile phone - "I don't want to call anybody, and if anybody calls me I have a secretary" - yet he maintains a MySpace page, which he is using to try to engage a new generation of voters.

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