³ÉÈËÂÛ̳

Snippets from the week's news, sliced, diced and processed for your convenience.

1. Saddam Hussein's yacht had an escape tunnel leading to a submarine.

2. The Dalai Lama boxes.

3. Women's hands have more bugs.

4. Londoners complained about house prices in the 1600s.

5. Antelopes click their knees to demonstrate sexual prowess.

6. Drum-making can be fatal.


7. Barack Obama supports West Ham.

8. The average person can sing three octaves.

9. Snow ploughs are used to clear dead lemmings on Norway's roads.

10. About 20,000 people die globally every year from snake bites.

Seen 10 things? . Thanks to Sarah Glanville for this week's picture of 10 bricks, belonging to her son Edward.

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Re : Obama's new dog "mustn't be afraid of people with beards and turbans and so on because he is going to meet a lot of foreign dignitaries". Correct me if I'm wrong but I had the impression that people, not pooches, had these prejudices.
SG, India

I've just read Thursday's letters, and I'm pretty disgusted that one-eighth of the space was given over to someone complaining about the ³ÉÈËÂÛ̳'s coverage of the US elections. Why is my licence fee being spent propagating this sad, parochial nonsense? I am, and probably 90% of Britain is, sick to death of hearing moaning about 20 minutes of news about the most important presidential election for decades. Oh, and thanks ³ÉÈËÂÛ̳, for excellent election coverage all round.
Paul Taylor, Manchester, UK

I have just read Ken Smith's letter early this evening, and I'm disgusted that the first 20 words was solely about him being disgusted. It's as though there is no other news. I am and probably 90% of Britain is sick to death of hearing about this disgustingness, I and many others don't care because it won't change a thing.
Stig, London, UK

For Jeremy Paxman to ask Dylan "Dizzee Rascal" Mills if he felt British was insulting.
Danielle, London, UK

Given the speed with which the papers rushed out their souvenir editions about Barack Obama (Thursday's Paper Monitor), and the time it must take to put one together, I guess it's safe to assume that they also prepared a corresponding souvenir about McCain. What happens to these? Are they printed up in some alternate universe, or just consigned to the waste-paper basket of history?
Rob, London, UK

Am I the only one to notice that Barack Obama merely nicked his "Yes we can" from Bob The Builder?
Mike, Newcastle upon Tyne

Pedant alert for a Friday - in , the author writes how he was "speaking in Italian through a translator". As a translator myself, I think you'll find that if someone is *speaking*, that'll be done through an interpreter. A translator deals purely in the written word. Bad ³ÉÈËÂÛ̳!
Annie-Mouse, Farnham

Hey, not fair on the missing word question. I selected "bacteria" and was told I was wrong, but then presented with the following explanation: "It's bugs. Women have a greater range of different types of bacteria on their palms than men, according to US research released on Tuesday."
So what is it? Bacteria or bugs? Aren't they both correct?
Robert Phillips, Cardiff, UK

I watched Flight of the Conchords, recorded from ³ÉÈËÂÛ̳ Four, last night. The one in which innocent abroad Brett is railroaded into bed by an American girl (one-tracked minds, the lot of them). And ever since, I've had "We Don't Have To Take Our Clothes Off... To Have a Good Time, Ah-ha" on the brain. And it's not even on the soundtrack!
Tom, Leicester

If Nick Fowler wins the caption competition, I hope his award is based on merit not nominative determinism.
Vicky, East London

What is Andrew on about saying didn't fight in either world war? He is a veteran of WWI.
John Talbot, Leighton Buzzard

Maybe the Monitor would get more proper letters if it gave out a postal address. Until then, you'll have to make do with web comments.
Phil, Cardiff

Dear Magazine Monitor,
I am shocked that you print letters such as that from Alex Knibb (who should be using a pen if nominative determinism means anything), ending with "Lots of love". A proper letter should end, as this does, with:
Yours sincerely,
Hamish McGlobbie
P.S. Angie sends her love. She is now seven feet tall and has just passed Grade 3 euphonium.
Hamish McGlobbie, Leeds

Dearest Magazine Monitor,
I would so much like to thank you for publishing young Alex's letter - it made his day. He's such a good boy, he set up my digital TV yesterday.
This interweb really is clever don't you think. If I'd had to send this in the post I would have had to get someone to go to the postbox for me. Of course in the good old days the postman would collect letters when he did his deliveries. Still we must embrace progress and it's given you a good job and that nice Mercedes.
I'm looking forward to seeing you at Christmas, I'll bake some of your favourite festive flapjack.
Love
Auntie Vera
Auntie Vera Gibb, Bristol
Monitor note: Your flapjacks with cranberries? Goodie!

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Winning entries in the caption competition.

Humpty Dumpty heads for a fall at New York's annual Halloween show. But what's being said?

The competition is now closed.

Thanks to all who entered. The prize of a small amount of kudos to the following:

6. SeanieSmith
"Must remember to return these pants back to Simon Cowell."

5. Vicky S
"... THEN my agent said 'Hamlet or Omelette - it's an easy mistake to make, darling'."

4. RMutt-Urinal
One of the few white collar jobs left in New York.

3. SeanieSmith
"Darn it. Of all the things to forget - a zip!"

2. penny-farthing
"Oh relax... I've sat here many times..."

1. SundayParkGeorge
"Isn't this what they mean by a shellsuit?"

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A service highlighting the riches of the daily press.

OK, America has decided. And since then the papers have been full of feverish speculation about the president-elect's own big decision... which type of puppy will be going to the White House with the First Family? After all, Mr Obama publicly promised his daughters the pooch as a moving-in present.

There is also the not insignificant matter of who will help him rule the United States. But it's his four-legged running mate that prompts much interest.

More than half of US presidents have had a First Dog, from George Washington's assortment of hounds - among them Vulcan, Tipsy and Sweetlips - to George W Bush's two Scottish terriers, Barney and Miss Beazley.

"BAMALOT - TANALOT - AND A CLOT - WINALOT" read the headlines on the Sun's double-page spread under the banner: "A NEW DAWN: BARACK'S AMERICA TAKING SHAPE".

Bamalot [yes, as in Camelot - the nickname for the court of JFK] for his "court of political heavyweights".
Tanalot for Silvio Berlusconi's gaffe in praising Mr Obama's tan.
And a clot - come on down, Sarah Palin, for allegedly mistaking Africa for a big country.
Winalot - yes, the canine question. Illustrated with a dachshund puppy. Sweet! Get one of those!

Yesterday the Times pored over Barack Obama's first concrete pledge - to get a dog - and an expert from the Kennel Club plumped for a cocker spaniel. "Gentle and affectionate but also merry and full of life," so well suited to DC's social whirl.

But today's Daily Mail says it will be a rescue dog chosen by the American Kennel Club. If this comes to pass, the Times adds that the subtext will be "just as anyone can become President, any canine can become First Dog". But perhaps not a poodle, despite this breed topping the Kennel Club's poll of its members. A bit fussy for the modern urbanite look of the Obamas.

And the Guardian's G2 points out that "older listeners will have heard Richard Nixon in 1952 when he promised to bring a puppy to the White House".

Meanwhile, "dog bites man" is not news, as even baby journos will tell you. Except when the dog is Barney, incumbent of the White House kennel, and the man is a reporter trying to interview him (). That's news.

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See the Quote of the Day every morning on the index.

"One of the more cushy postings... the Seychelles. It's all amazing beaches, palm trees and jealous friends and relatives" - FCO envoy Marianne McCurrie on her latest posting

Ms McCurrie is a "worldwide floater" for the Foreign Office and sometimes this job of locum-at-large has its benefits. But the intrepid envoy was not anticipating the media storm that her musings on a lovely stay in the Seychelles would provoke. She noted sagely on her next blog entry: "I take the point that during the current financial crisis people don't want to hear too much about the upsides to what I'm doing."

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Re the article on . The accompanying photo (graceful, classic cameo of woman holding head in hands conveying mild discomfort) does not really do justice to the label "woman with migraine". I suppose a picture of a woman writhing in agony in a blacked-out room (or retching over a toilet bowl) would be far less appealing to readers. As a regular sufferer, I wouldn't mind so much if all that happened was I looked like the woman in the photo!
Sally, Hemel Hempstead

Re "" - "He attributed his long life to a moderate consumption of alcohol". And presumably to the luck that meant he didn't fight in either world war.
Andrew, London

Excellent .I feel slightly ashamed that it reminded me of Evelyn Waugh's Scoop.
HB, London

I have just watched the ³ÉÈËÂÛ̳ early evening news, and I'm disgusted that the first 20 mins was solely about the new American President. It's as though there is no other news. I am and probably 90% of Britain is sick to death of hearing about these elections, I and many others don't care because it won't change a thing.
Ken Smith, Tewkesbury, Glos.

I was (depressingly) quite excited when I saw that PM had prepared a souvenir edition and I'm dissappointed that you couldn't even match the Mirror's attempt! Not even a picture, that's an F for effort, PM, you should hang your head in shame!
Dave, London

Re Crunch Creep "People are suffering in the bedroom just as much as the boardroom." Given that these potions often seem to be used for recreational reasons rather than because they're necessary, surely people aren't suffering so much as succumbing?
TS, Bromley, England

Re "". So a statement released by the local Yavapai County Sheriff's Office noted that "it is very difficult to prevent the attack of a wild rabid animal once in progress"? I would have thought that it's actually impossible to prevent anything once it's begun?
PS, Newcastle, England

Dear Magazine Monitor,

How are you? I'm fine, I've just been out and bought some lunch and I'm now just perusing the ³ÉÈËÂÛ̳ news website while eating my sandwich and waiting for Excel to finish what it's doing. Have you ever noticed how no-one writes actual letters to the ³ÉÈËÂÛ̳'s Letters page? They all seem to be just off-the-cuff comments!

Anyway, I mustn't prattle on. Auntie Vera sends her love, and says not to worry - her leg is definitely on the mend. Write back, it'd be great to hear how you're doing!

Lots of love,
Alex.
Alex Knibb, Bristol, UK

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Your print souvenir edition of today's souvenir editions... and a bit about Amy Winehouse.

()

First off, let's sort the men from the boys. While most of the papers today boast "souvenir edition" how many walk the walk and offer a genuine pull-out?

Strolling stridently down this runway of grandiosity are the Guardian, the Times and the Daily Mirror.

Skulking in the talk-the-talk sidelines are the Daily Telegraph, the Daily Mail and the Independent, while the Sun, Express, FT and Metro desist from using the "S" word altogether.

Starting with the pull-outs...

If a souvenir edition is going to be true to its word it has to warrant its place in the collective shoebox of memories. With full colour printing on tap these days, the Guardian's "supplement" [see picture, right, with the Daily Mirror's] is a glossy in newsprint clothing - all full page pictures and scholarly essay-length writing from the learned fingertips of Jonathan Freedland.

If anything, the Times [see pic below] goes even more Vanity Fair-ish - commissioning a verse from celebrated black poet Derek Walcott, sketching out an Obama family tree with more than a hint of African-style illustration, and an "exclusive extract" from Obama's autobiography Dreams From My Father. Exclusive? That's the several-million-selling Dreams From My Father that was first published 13 years ago.

The Mirror pull-out uses the same picture - of Obama as a boy, swinging a baseball bat - as the Guardian's effort. But the Mirror is clearly offended by the original monochrome rendering of this archive family snapshot and throws some lurid green and yellow colourising at it. Still, it's the only one to feature a gem of a school photo from 1972 of Obama and classmates in Hawaii. If only school uniform policy had been this liberal at Paper Monitor's alma mater. Think Grange Hill on surf safari.

Even the loftiest of essays can't compete with a funny cartoon for Paper Monitor's affections. So the Telegraph's lack of a pull-out is amply offset by a Matt cartoon on the front page depicting a fountain in the foreground of the White House and the sign "Please Do Not Walk on the Water".

And what's this in the Mail: "[M]oving extracts from President Obama's incredible life story in his own inspiring words." So, in other words, reprinted sections of Obama's autobiography. And yes, you guessed it, there's the exact same extract about Obama's father arriving at the University of Hawaii in 1959 as the "exclusive extract" in the Times.

The Mail, like almost all the others, slips into portentous front page headline mode. "CHANGE HAS COME" is how it chooses to sell its wares from the newsstand today. "AN AMERICAN DREAM" proclaims the Independent. "The dream comes true" - the Telegraph. "Believe" - the Mirror.

It all leaves Metro's take on things feeling fresher and more with it. "The day America became a little cool again," it says. And, yes, whatever side of the political divide one sits on, Metro undeniably seems to have tapped into a subconscious thought here.

Finally, to the Sun. Facing this historic moment in the history of democracy and civil rights, what can the Sun do to bring this story home to its readers? Ah yes, hint at a bit of nooky. "THE EARTH MOVES" it says, picturing Mr and Mrs Obama mid-smooch. Not enough sex for you? Well there's always "Keeley, 22 from Bromley" on page three, pictured in a pair of stars and stripes briefs and not much, in fact nothing, else.

"He'll be a fantastic president," says Keeley. "Obama is such an inspirational figure to so many people across the globe."

Why thanks Keeley, your pithy analysis of the geopolitical future has given Paper Monitor a renewed sense of moral purpose and certainty.

Maybe even Mr Amy Winehouse, aka Blake Fielder-Civil, newly released from the nick, senses this.

Let's turn to page 9 and see. "I'm gonna see my wife Amy and take her knickers down."

Or maybe not.

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"Er, Mr Rascal..." - Jeremy Paxman addresses Dizzee Rascal in TV debate on Obama

The time: Wednesday evening. The place: ³ÉÈËÂÛ̳ studio in Washington. The programme: a Newsnight Special on Obama featuring Baroness Amos and Dizzee Rascal, both on satellite link-ups from London. The (verbatim) question: "Er, Mr Rascal, do you consider yourself British?" Dizzee Rascal: "'Course I'm British man, you know me. I'm here man. What's good."

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Strange, tangential and often unlikely events laid at the door of the credit crunch.

People are suffering in the bedroom just as much as the boardroom. Sales of sex potions, like herbal Viagra, have risen by 400% in London in recent weeks and 250% nationally.
More details ()

Lunchbox sales have leapt 68% as the credit crunch sees workers forgo ready-made sandwiches to munch on homemade food instead.
More details ()

Many companies may be struggling but, for the chimney sweep, business is booming. Waiting times for sweeps are stretching into months and many are hiring extra staff to cope with the demand from customers trying to save cash on energy bills.
More details ()

Cost-cutting telly bosses have scrapped the traditional Christmas party for the stars of Coronation Street.
More details ()

Travel agents have started charging holidaymakers for taking their expensive glossy brochures home because of the credit crunch and to deter "time wasters".
(Daily Mirror)

Grieving families are turning to wooden headstones.
More details ()

Supermodel Elle Macpherson reckons the credit crunch has sent sales of her own-brand undies soaring.
More details ()

Mamma Mia is the highest grossing British film ever, largely due to the credit crunch.
More details ()

Two British explorers hoping to reach the North Pole by hovercraft have cancelled the expedition, blaming the credit crunch.
(Daily Star)

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Did run around like headless chickens?
Stuart, Croydon

Given that it is the Daily Star Paper Monitor is talking about, I think it is more likely to be filled with "news" than news - I don't think the Star has had any of the latter for years.
Richard, Newport

Malcolm Gillies and Caryl (Tuesday letters), given the small proportion of Britain's population that have complained about the recent instances of ³ÉÈËÂÛ̳ output that have caused offence, it's a little strong to label us all a nation of moaners. It's just a case of the vocal minority. People are naturally more likely to take action when they have a complaint, than they are when they don't. I for one wasn't offended by Jeremy Clarkson's comments, but as of yet I haven't felt the need to inform the ³ÉÈËÂÛ̳ of my indifference. Although of course by submitting this, I now have.
DS, Croydon, England

I think Nigel Macarthur (Tuesday letters) is confusing "historic" (famous or important in history) with "historical" (about history or the study of the subject). An event in our own time can indeed be historic, and we're living through one now.
Patrick McAsey, Singapore

Re: McCain's had his chips Paper Monitor . Yes, and baked Alaska for dessert.
Candace, New Jersey, US

? Come on...
Walter O'Reilly, Boston, Lincs

re: , I'd like to congratulate Dr Wright on her contribution to nominative determinism, but perhaps southpaws tend to be inhibited because of the name-calling, or because they were scolded for smudged writing, or because common household objects just "feel wrong"? On the other hand, perhaps that's just my right-sided-brain talking.
Stuart, Rochdale, UK

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A service highlighting the riches of the daily press.

America has decided for Paper Monitor. There was honey drizzled on one's morning porridge, rather than cinnamon.

And in the absence of any newspapers delivered to Monitor Towers, a glance through the online UK newspapers shows the leading articles of all political persuasions are pretty unanimous in their excitement that Americans have also chosen their first black president.

But there are warnings amid the euphoria. The Daily Telegraph notes the difficult economic situation Barack Obama has inherited and says his "speeches have been disconcertingly vacuous, long on rhetoric and preachy metaphors but short on content".

But it's a rare note of disquiet, and even the Daily Star gets in on the Obama love-fest.

However it somewhat spoils its foray into serious news at the end of its election report.

Are the inverted commas in MORE "NEWS" HERE really necessary?

Best - if predictable - headline goes to - even more predictably - the Sun with "MCCAIN'S HAD HIS CHIPS".

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"I don't mind taking my clothes off for a room full of screaming women - just so long as no one suddenly shouts too loud" - Stripper Andy Latham, who suffers from a rare condition that means a loud noise makes his whole body stiffen

Andy is one of only a small number of people in Britain to suffer from Hyperekplexia, a genetic disorder that causes an exaggerated startle reflex. And he is also a member of an equally select group - disabled dance act The Crippendales.

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I see Jeremy Clarkson has sparked controversy over his comments about prostitutes on Sunday's Top Gear. I just think this is getting beyond a joke. His comments were not said to offend and in my opinion it's just the British public at its best, a nation of moaners! I know my comment could be classed as this, but after the pathetic fiasco with Ross and Brand i felt it had to be said. It's almost like the British public want to be wrapped in cotton wool. The simple solution is, if your easily offended and can find nothing better to do with your time then go live in a cardboard box and isolate yourself from reality!
Malcolm Gillies, Perth

What has happened to everyone's sense of humour and the fact we do have freedom of speech in this country! Lighten up Britain! And leave Clarkson alone!
Caryl, Anglesey

The ³ÉÈËÂÛ̳ having upset so many folk over Messrs Brand and Ross's treatment of Andrew Sachs, it is now the turn of Jeremy Clarkson. It seems the ³ÉÈËÂÛ̳ will broadcast anything as long as it doesn't conflict with their very basic and simplistic PC rules - absolutely no sexism and positively no racism. So, old people are suitable targets to be told someone has bedded their daughter, and lorry-drivers and prostitutes are also fair game, as long as they're white. And, of course, anything is OK after 9pm.
Rob Falconer, Llandough, Wales

I must take issue with your use of "" . A phobia is an irrational fear, such as fear of a teddy bear. Baghdadophobia, on the other hand, is fear of being killed in one of the most dangerous cities on the planet. How much more rational do you want a fear to be?
Adam, London, UK

Surely a poll can only be "historic" () if it happened in the past?
Nigel Macarthur, London, England

Paper Monitor - yes, if I were Prince Charles' other mistress I would indeed keep it a secret.
Susannah, Northampton

I am sure I am not alone in being SICK TO DEATH of the orgy of over-reporting on the US elections, as supposedly momentous as it is. We can barely get a 60% turnout of the population in our own country in a general election that directly affects us here - why do we get the saturation reporting on an election "across the pond" that will in effect change very little and have very little effect on us? The number of reporters in the US is also ridiculous - WE the license paying public are footing the bill.
PJ Oosthuizen, Bishops Stortford

Monitor Note: Expect an antidote to the election coverage in Wednesday's Magazine.

I can't help wondering how two places with 21 and 27 voters can be . In this country they would be villages.
John Airey, Peterborough, UK

The to help people who don't have English as their first language is ridiculous. I speak Spanish which is a romance language and I feel more comfortable with these Latin expressions than the English substitutes.
Anilu, Aberdeen, Scotland

Kat Murphy (Letters, Monday), I think the problem is more likely to occur when combining e.g. with a list of any particular group of people. One example might be getting a person of a professional body to countersign a form. Imagine reading misreading the e.g. in: e.g. a doctor or a teacher, as egg. Could have some messy results.
CS, Manchester, England

When it comes to the use of Latin phrases, abundans cautela non nocet.
Morwenna Hancock, North Sydney, NS

I would hazard a guess that any activity requiring you to lie on your back and not move would have equally successful results as .
Nik Edwards, Aylesbury

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A service highlighting the riches of the daily press.

"AMERICA DECIDES," booms the Times. Yes, after a long and hard-fought campaign, today is the day.

By the time Paper Monitor is mulling over whether to have honey or cinnamon on its morning porridge tomorrow, votes across The Pond will have been tallied (barring, of course, a prolonged hanging chad denounement) and we will all know whether the United States has opted for honey or cinnamon itself. So to speak.

The Independent, for one, hedges its bets with cut-out-and-keep Obama and McCain flags so its readers can nail their colours to the mast (remember folks, it's blue for the left and red for the right in this particular race).

Given the paper's straitened circumstances - the Daily Mail is reportedly sniffing around, ready to shell out the paper's cover price, £1, for the entire Indy lock, stock and barrel - perhaps it could have saved on the paper and ink for the McCain flag. After all, how many Indy readers are going to opt for "Come on McCain"? Unless, of course, they like cinnamon best.

Metro mixes things up a bit with an arresting front page picture of the two contenders colour-swapped. Barack Obama is white, with David Cameron's hairdo, and John McCain is an elderly black man. The aim of the images, devised in the US, is to urge voters to forget race and focus on policies. Whether or not it works... what IS Obama doing with a side-parting?

While the Times, for one, has declared itself as backing Barack, not all have come out quite so strongly. But with polls showing the majority of Britons hope for change in the shape of a young, charismatic Democrat in the White House - and with this nation's fondness for the underdog - even papers well to the right of Obama's position anoint him the leader-in-waiting. "The family 24 hours away from changing the world," says the Mail.

And the Daily Express? Bless. "Secret of Prince Charles's Other Mistress." Well they would, wouldn't they?

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"I'm very excited to have a chance of not being fired before the opening. Stay tuned" - Richard Dreyfuss hopes for a happier return to the West End

Richard Dreyfuss is back on the London stage with a production of Complicit at the Old Vic. He hopes it will be happier than his last visit where he didn't get very far in musical The Producers.

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"." How often is this actually a problem? The only sentence I can think of where it's genuinely unclear is: "The children decided to play various pranks on residents' property this Halloween; e.g./egg cars, windows, elderly relatives etc..."
Kat Murphy, Coventry

If local councils want to ban the use of latin words may I suggest they start with the two Anglicised Latin words "local" and "council"?
Michael, Lincoln

Stuart, Croydon

Is it pure coincidence that the man responsible for is named Ego Leonard? Eager anagramists (if that's even a word) will spot A Lego Drone when they see one.
Dan McCrory, Weybridge, England

Re the giant Lego man washed up on a beach. I take it that he hasn't spoken yet, but can he play the piano?
John Thompson, Durham

Re: Lego man - had he been out canoeing?
Pip, Corby

I hate to be a pedant, but not every newspaper had Hamilton's face on the front - the Daily Sport looked quite out of place amongest the other titles. Admittedly, "newspaper" is a bit of a misnomer in its case, but it is officially one.
Al, Cambridge

I'm so disappointed that the merged banks will be called the . I was hoping for Lloyds TSBHBOS.
Basil Long, Nottingham

So was Clarkson's "first serious road accident in 31 years"? But it wasn't an accident, it was deliberate. May I suggest the word "purpident"?
Frederick Heath-Renn, London, UK

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A service highlighting the riches of the daily press.

Rare is the man who can get his mug on every single newspaper front, including the Financial Times. Lewis Hamilton is his name.

His last-minute grabbing of the Formula 1 world championship is the cue for an orgy of pre-planned coverage.

Pictures of driven, tunnel-visioned eight-year-old Hamilton - check.

Speculative piece on first billionaire sportsman - check.

Visit to local pubs, the Marquis of Lorne, Stevenage, and the Rose and Crown, Tewin where journalists almost outnumber actual drinkers - check.

Excessive number of pictures of Nicole Scherzinger (head of the popular beat combo the Pussycat Dolls) - check.

Even the newspapers-that-don't-have-a-poppy-in-their-masthead (Independent and the Guardian) go Hamilton-mad.

The Independent shunts the sick dolphins off the front page in favour of the golden boy.

But you have to go to the Financial Times for the real gem in the coverage. It's not their strip on page four, it's the byline: "By Roger Blitz, Leisure Industries Correspondent." Paper Monitor wants that byline, we wants it.

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"David Cameron's body is good but his face is all wrong. He could do with some blond highlights and a spray tan. He's far too pasty" - Paris Hilton puts herself in the running for a Central Office job

Either this was quote of the day or Ms Hilton's take on the prime minister: "Brown has a nice-looking face but he needs to shave the sides of his hair and make his fringe spiky to appeal more to young people." A bidding war must surely be in the offing as both sides gear up for 2010 by trawling for the very best image consultant money can buy.

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