³ÉÈËÂÛ̳

Snippets from the week's news, sliced, diced and processed for your convenience.

1. The first trunk call made in the UK was by the Queen.

2. Claims worth £40m are made each year to the Bank of England in relation to damaged banknotes.

3. And two serial numbers must be legible for a damaged note to be exchanged at the bank.
(Ibid)

4. A street light costs about 15p a night to keep lit.

5. The world's timekeeping is monitored by one man.

6. And December 2008 will last one second longer than December 2007.

7. Motorways are five times safer than single-lane roads, according to the AA.

8. The Sydney Opera House was inspired by a peeled orange.
More details

9. Shakespeare probably lost his sight.

10. Spanish has overtaken German as the second most popular language taught in schools.

Seen 10 things? . Thanks to Douglas Yates for this week's picture of 10 kittens with their foster mother.

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The three people who over a year made £1.83 per hour each. Was it really worth it?
Rick P, Oxford, UK

How do the police know there is , if they haven't already put them back together again?
Phil B-C, London

I'd like to offer to help the binman with his cash-jigsaw. I will write him some software which given a photo of all the pieces, will solve it in seconds. It'll take me a couple of months to write, so I'd have to charge for the work - let's say £10K?
John, Southampton

sounds like the kind of stunt Banksy would pull. One just hopes that when all pieces are put into place, Graham Hill doesn't discover that there's a missing digit from each and every serial number.
DS, Croydon, England

With reference to the , I can spot the three kings, and the cute little lamb - but I don't remember anyone at the nativity with chicken pox.
SL, Southampton

On the least surprising headline strand (Thursday's letters), earlier this year there was "Proms End With Last Night" on the ³ÉÈËÂÛ̳ News RSS feed.
Andy, Chesterfield, UK

SPOILER ALERT
One of the two questions I answered correctly was number three - the color predicted for 2009. Is it wrong that I answered based not on knowing what a mimosa tree's flowers look like, but on knowing for a fact what champagne mixed with orange juice looks like?
Jill B, Detroit

?
Colin Larcombe, Orleans, France

"The earth rotates once on its axis every 24 hours" (). No it doesn't. Actually, it's about 23 hours and 56 minutes. The other four minutes are due to us moving around the Sun once a year. Even the first edition of Trivial Pursuit got this right, why can't the ³ÉÈËÂÛ̳? Or do you want to avoid spoiling a future edition of QI?
Bill Longley, Luton, England

I've actually started dreaming about meeting other Monitorites in the flesh. Should I seek help?
Chris Clarke, Grenoble, France

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Winning entries in the caption competition.

The competition is now closed.

This week's picture is an artist's impression of a new species of pterosaur, which has been uncovered by scientists, illustrating how big the pterosaur would have been.

Thanks to all who entered. The prize of a small amount of kudos to the following:

6. SeanieSmith
"Come on evolution! How long must a woman wait?"

5. Stellsie
"But when I overlay the FTSE, Nikkei and Dow Jones indices I get this!"

4. shear_uk
Pterosaurs found the "pull my finger" joke incredibly funny.

3. leongibbon
First pages of Creationist textbook made public.

2. daveinj
"Oh, he's an absolute darling, and he's just wonderful with Ginger. Where is Ginger by the way?"

1. AmusedofSwindon
As the screen went back, Cilla knew she wouldn't be needing a new hat this time.

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A service highlighting the riches of the daily press.

Never mind the riches of the daily press, it's the riches of too many mince pies and brandy butter that have been troubling Paper Monitor's digestion. How does a newsprint junkie soothe its stomach? With headlines like these:

"Does short hair mean a woman has gone off sex?" - Daily Mail

"Bears Lightyear" - the Sun

"David Vain Day" - Daily Mirror

Now back to the liver salts.

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"This sounds very presumptuous, but please tell President-elect Obama he can call me now and I will take his call" - Ileana Ros-Lehtinen, after hanging up twice on Barack Obama, thinking him a prank caller.

The commander-in-chief-in-waiting has been calling congressional leaders to congratulate them on their election. But when he rang the Republican congresswoman for Miami, she didn't believe it was him. Plunk - once. Plunk - twice. And almost plunk again until a senior colleague convinced her otherwise - with some effort.

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If ever you decide to run a "Least Surprising Headline" competition, I would like to enter as an early favourite.
Chris Lewis, Istanbul, Turkey

I saw a fascinating example of Crunch Creep in a pub earlier this week. Their food menu said "See overleaf for our Crunch Lunch". The other side was completely blank.
Adam, London, UK

My local dry cleaning store has gone into liquidation. I presume they're moving into wet cleaning then.
Judy Cabbages, Peebles

Has the Credit Crunch hit your picture department? What on earth has the space shuttle got to do with ?
Jordan Dias, London, UK

An without even one use of the word "revered"?
Surely some mistake?
Richard, Leatherhead, UK

Monitor note: There have also been some Catholics without the prefix "devout" and some Protestants who were mistakenly not referred to as "staunch".

Am I the only person who would pay the entrance charge for Lapland New Forest if I could see Santa get attacked and his elves pushed into a pram?
Rob Foreman, London, UK

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A service highlighting the riches of the daily press.

It's December, snow is falling and the papers mark the start of the festive version of silly season.

The Sun does this with a front page crusade (yesterday and today) against the "blunderland" that is a Lapland theme park in Dorset run by a man whose entrepreneurial brainwave was to "stick a few things in a field, make a load of money and bolt off. Once we've got people inside and they've paid their money there's nothing they can do." Not an obvious candidate for Dragons' Den then.

No-one likes a fraudster and especially not a festive fraudster, taking advantage of the season of good cheer so the Sun goes for it all guns blazing. Ex-employees, or "Santa's little helpers" describe the nightmare of working in the "grotty grotto" providing pictures of some of the less than authentic attractions including a snowman in a baggy costume and a fake polar bear.

Reading this story, Paper Monitor is reminded of its own personal campaign - to highlight uses of journalese - words/phrases/expressions beloved of hacks and headline writers that you just don't hear in normal conversation.

Christmas is on everyone's lips, but for your average sub trying to boil down an entire story into a few snappy words Christmas has one major downside - it's too long. To quote (albeit out of context) one of Paper Monitor's long-suffering journalism tutors from way back when: Christmas is cancelled. Indeed, Mr F. The word every sub reaches for at this time of year is "Xmas". (Although not on the ³ÉÈËÂÛ̳ News website, where style guidelines insist Xmas "should NEVER be used - despite its attractions for the headline writer short of space".)

The Sun is full of journalese today: "FOOTIE ACE 'GANG SEX ASSAULT' IN SHOWERS". Ace? Useful to fit into an otherwise wordy headline but really, is it ever spoken?

"Tot" and "cop" are two oft-used journalese darlings, being oh so teeny-tiny: "Jail for tot car killer" and "Bent cop is caged".

And is any self-respecting tabloid complete without mention of a "romp"? Today's culprit being The Sun's "Amy gives Blake romp in hospital."

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"Santa got attacked, one of the elves got smacked in the face and pushed into a pram" - Adrian Wood, now ex-security guard at Lapland New Forest

The trials and traumas of those in the employ of Lapland New Forest, not to mention its legions of underwhelmed visitors, continue - see today's Paper Monitor, later, for more. But for those who are keeping the faith, the attraction has relaunched its website with the inimitable slogan (and runner-up in the Quote of the Day stakes): "Lapland New Forest.. It's You that Makes It Beautiful"

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Re "The first of more than 100 countries are expected to sign a treaty banning the stockpiling and use of in Norway's capital, Oslo." I didn't know Oslo was such a dangerous place for cluster bombs, but at least the problem is being tackled city by city. What's next? The banning of scud missiles in Helsinki?
Simon, Manchester

"Fighting the economic downturn is the government's top priority for the year ahead in a slimmed down ." I know these are days of equality, but isn't it a bit rude to comment on the Queen's figure?
John Whapshott, Westbury, Wiltshire

In the unlikely event it escaped anyone's notice, I draw your attention to the classic "" article from the ³ÉÈËÂÛ̳. Traditionally, it's the role of the Sun to uncover this story, or indeed to make it up if facts on which it can be based are not available. They must be snoozing over there...
Ray, Turku, Finland

Surely I am not the only person to have read this , and immediately imagined a smashed bottle?
Steven, Livingston (Scotland)

Re . Ooops!
Janet Ames, Coventry

From the report on the came the following: "The Bank of England is to be given a brief to maintain financial stability, including the creation of a new Financial Stability Committee." Door. Horse. Bolted.
George, London UK

Not exactly nominative determinism, but a very appropriate metaphor : A Ladbrokes spokesman said: "We're with fear at the prospect of a white Christmas."
Paul Greggor, London

Nigel (Tuesday's letters) claims that Northerners just get on with life in the face of adversity like snow. Closed roads, abandoned cars and closed schools? That doesn't sound like getting on with it, that sounds like giving up and going home.
Thomas, Maidstone, UK (Down south)

Re Oswald's letter (from Tuesday) on John Barrowman's fruit and nuts: "Am I missing something?" No.
David, Cheshire, UK

Dear Paper Monitor, the Daily Mirror journalists clearly haven't seen the tree on my colleague's desk if they think the one in Peterlee is the most pathetic in Britain. It's about 6" high, has a single silver bauble and is supposed to light up but doesn't because the wiring is dodgy. Mind you, it did cost him just £1 and he's not trying to impress an entire town with it.
ZS, Cornwall, England

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A service highlighting the riches of the daily press.

Perhaps visualising one's perfect future takes rather longer than just one night. Yesterday Paper Monitor promised to follow the Beckhams' lead and imagine producing a Pulitzer-worthy article.

Awaking in a groggy and rather uninspired state this morning, Paper Monitor will instead recognise its limitations and seek germs of genius (genii?) in the papers.

Praise be for the Times headline writer who penned this gem: "I'm a celebrity (8ft 2in, hormonal), get me out of here". Stories about Knut the fast-growing polar bear may not cause the Pulitzer panel too many sleepless nights of indecision, but nicely done, that sub.

And any Scrooges out there wanting more after the Lapland New Forest debacle might wish to turn to page 13 of the Daily Mirror, which features a big picture of "Britain's most pathetic Christmas tree" - the centrepiece of festivities in Peterlee, County Durham. It apparently cost 200 of your British pounds. Paper Monitor counts 18 - yes, a one and an eight - decorations bedecking its straggly branches.

And how's this for a visual image from the Sun? "A snowman was so sickened at verbal abuse he suffered that he stormed off in full costume."

Their woman on the scene also points out that when she posed on Santa's lap for a snap, he "smelt like a burger van".

Ah, the magic of Christmas...

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Brrrrrrrrrr. It's very, very cold outside and it's predicted to snow lots and lots tonight, in many parts of the country.

It's an early Christmas present for the owners of Lapland New Forest. The festive-style theme park, which opened at the weekend, promised a "winter wonderland'' with "snow-covered log cabins'', an ice rink, Nativity scene (pictured below) and Christmas market.

What visitors found - after paying £25 to get in - was a muddy wasteland containing a collection of sheds, trees with spray-on snow and a fleet of burger vans (click for more pictures). There have even been reports of angry parents scuffling with elves, and Father Christmas taking a punch in his grotto.

Could you do better when it comes to creating a little bit of Lapland in the UK? If the heavy snow predicted actually falls, your challenge is to create your very own winter wonderland and send us a picture.

Quite what form it takes is up to you, but we're rather proud of our Magazine effort - Snowy (pictured above).

Send the fruits of your labour by one of the following means of digital dispatch:

Email: yourpics@bbc.co.uk, subject TRIBUTE
MMS from UK: 61124
Int MMS: +44 7725 100100

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"Easy! ... Good luck" - Contained in the text messages explaining how to amputate an arm from surgeon in London to another in the Congo.

While volunteering in Africa, British surgeon David Nott had to remove the arm of a wounded teenager known only as J, who'd been bitten by a hippo. Having never carried out such a proceedure before, he texted a colleague who had - this being the only method of communication available to him. Instructions came via two long texts, with perhaps the only understandable words being "Easy!" and "Good luck".

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With regards to the last sentence in , that's a pretty dull episode of Casualty.
Richard Place, Barnstaple

Re , having spent some time in the world of Philosophy, I resent the below implication: "These are questions that might seem better placed in a philosophy course, but in fact they are immensely important" (From the Mr Time article).
Samuel, Leeds

In the story "Meet the world's director of time": "These signals travel at the speed of light, which is very nearly one foot every thousand-millionth of a second - or one nanosecond (for the more metrically minded, that's around 30cm, which is far less elegant. If there is a God, he built the universe using imperial measurements)." It's also 3x10^8 m/sec!
Kevin Judson, London, UK

"2008 will last one second longer than 2007, when no leap seconds were added." No, 2008 will be one day and one second longer than 2007. And if the small time adjustment is a "leap second", how come we have "leap years"?
QJ, Stafford, UK

Monitor: Banged to rights, the text has been altered

Re today's Quote of the Day: I've never tried crocodile, but I have tried alligator. I am extremely proud to say that I resisted the temptation, when ordering it, to say "Bring me the alligator and make it snappy". And in case you were wondering, it tastes like chicken.
Spartacus, London, UK

Funnily enough, Adam (Your Letters, Monday), there is already a 98p shop in Dalston, London
Stuart, London

So, it has snowed heavily in Lancashire and caused roads to close, abandoned vehicles and schools to close, but because it hasn't affected woosey southerners no "Have you been affected", no "where are you stuck send your pics" etc. There is life outside London you know. In case anyone is actually bothered, us tough Northern folks just got on with our lives, maybe next time you get snow down there you should try it.
Nigel Greensitt, Salford

Michaela, Runcorn (Your Letters, Monday) - perhaps will edify you about underwater dams.
Jo, London

I can't think of a more appropriate time to ask the question: am I missing something?
Oswald Vine, London, UK

Re yesterday's letter on . When I looked at it the title was something like "Sir Paul joins the Met." Just to clear up any confusion.
Carol, Portugal

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A service highlighting the riches of the daily press.

It's a bit of a coup, but the Times is determined not to show off too much about its interview with Victoria Beckham. She's a fashion designer now, don't you know, and is launching a range of "fifties-inspired dresses".

Fashion editor Lisa Armstrong tries to maintain an air of cynicism about Posh's latest re-invention, but anyone expecting a tough, probing interview has their expectations dashes from the off. Within minutes she is offering to postpone an interview that took her 10 months to arrange because Victoria is tired.

After that the most interesting revelations are as follows: Victoria doesn't think she is a very good singer, she can't draw so isn't the one who sketches her designs and was so nervous before her collection was launched at the Waldorf recently that she drank "loads and loads of water".

But being a fashion designer really is her true vocation dear reader because she's "always liked dresses". So that's what it takes to succeed in the industry. Well, that and the power of visualisation. Apparently she and David go to bed and visualise what they want from life - for him a goal and for her a killer outfit to wear the next day. So watch this space tomorrow as Paper Monitor is going to go to bed tonight and visualise the perfect article. Pulitzer Prize here we come.

Another day closer to communal living for the Daily Mail and the Independent. No signs of either morphing into the other just yet. News of reforms to the benefit system get their usual treatment from each camp. One talks of "benefit mothers" being "forced" to work, while the other talks of "most people on benefits" having to take steps to prepare themselves to "join the labour market". You figure out which version appears in which paper.

But thank heavens the Daily Mail is still its reliable old self. It has a story about a new manifesto drawn up by the Girl Guides. One of its 10 pledges is stopping the airbrushing of models in magazines. Cue a full-length picture of model Rachel Hunter in skimpy underwear, just to illustrate the point of course.

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"Have you tried crocodile? They're very, very tender... all I want for Christmas is a crocodile" - Gordon Ramsay either wants a strange pet or a strange meal.

He's in the news for reasons far from cooking at the moment. But let's not forget what Gordon Ramsay is really about - eating stuff. Or is he talking about having a croc as a pet. It's really not that clear.

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Now that the VAT rate has been reduced, will pound shops become 98p shops?
Adam, London, UK

Re : The new breathalyser "...also records the driver's age, gender, ethnicity and precise location and reading of the test." All that from a sample of someone's breath? Crikey, that's impressive. Tell me again why we need ID cards?
Alex Knibb, Bristol, UK

Re The letter I just sent you about the fab new breathalysers, I've just found out why we still need ID cards, it was cunningly hidden in the next sentence: "The data will not include the driver's name or any personal information that could identify them."
Rats.
Alex Knibb, etc

What next? Will town planners in Pisa issue a report to say they think the towns tower might be leaning a bit?
Christian Cook, Epsom, UK

I have been wracking my, admittedly miniscule, brain, and for the life of me I can't work out how an would work. Can anybody help?
Michaela, Runcorn, UK

How many people, I wonder, read because they hoped Paul McCartney might be involved?
Carol, Portugal

Henry Mears, organiser of the , asks "What is not here that we haven't advertised?" Is this double negative a slip of the tongue or fiendish doublespeak?
Alice, London, UK
Monitor note: Either way, commendable deployment of alliteration, Alice.

A kinder spin on would have been "Guns N' Roses sell almost as many copies as trendy young person's band." It feels a bit like you're putting the boot in to a pensioner for only winning the silver medal.
Adam, London, UK

I never realised how happy I would be to read the words in a ³ÉÈËÂÛ̳ News report.
Maisy, Milton Keynes

- favourite headline of the year from our very own Beeb.
Peter Travers, Weymouth

I have just spent upwards of five minutes rearranging the panels on my ³ÉÈËÂÛ̳.co.uk homepage so that all the columns line up at the bottom. I could have been working. Thanks a lot. (PS Could you perhaps send an email round all the bloggers explaining that it would be helpful to me if they would please not make posts with titles that go onto two lines on the homepage? Thanks.)
Paul T, Manchester, UK

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A service highlighting the riches of the daily press.

It's the first full week of operations at the Independent since it was reported that it would soon be moving out of its Docklands base and into the Kensington offices of the Daily Mail.

Paper Monitor has some experience of living in shared accommodation. It's all smiles and backslapping when you're moving in, then a few days later you realise it's all washing up rotas and whose turn is it to clean the toilet. Pretty soon it becomes apparent that the "senior tenant" rules the roost and defines the character of the house.

So the question on everybody's lips is of course: "Is the Independent going to end its obsession with bedraggled polar bears and get on with the serious business of comparing celebrities' 'knee ages' with their real age?"

Page three of the Daily Mail today is a couple of pap shots of Helen Mirren at the beach, which it compares unfavourably with another recent pap shot of La Mirren in a bikini.

Does the Indy give in and take a bit of the same to please its new landlord? No. Page three is gloriously, unmistakably, incorrigibly Indy - a piece about wind farms.

The Observer cattily reported the mocking use of the term "Endipendent" (err, shouldn't it at least be "Endependent") on Fleet Street, but today's paper shows there is life in the old dog yet.

Over in the Metro, there are seismic changes afoot. The paper's only gone and had its first redesign since its founding in 1999. There's more space for the celebrity news of Guilty Pleasures and there's a new column on the internet called the Ridiculant.

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"Was showing someone how pants the BB Storm is. In pocket. Sent by nut pressure?" - BlackBerry user Stephen Fry explains an accidental Twitter entry

The entry was a link to a work by Vermeer accompanied only by the word "d euzie". Fry asserts it was a complete accident rather than being a cryptic and pithy witticism.

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