³ÉÈËÂÛ̳

Snippets from the week's news, sliced, diced and processed for your convenience.

1. Mo Mowlam lied about her tumour.

2. The last remaining Royal Mail ship goes to St Helena.

3. Blind people can be taught to take photos.

4. Bolognese should be served with tagliatelle, not spaghetti.

5. Parliamentary candidates can put their own seals on ballot boxes under the Ballot Act of 1872.

6. South Korea's Ministry of Health is nicknamed Ministry of Matchmaking.

7. The first international cricket match was in the US.

8. The two most common pronunciations of Van Gogh are wrong.
More details

9. Dead bodies do not necessarily pose a health risk to humans.

10. Cells surf.

Seen 10 things? . Thanks to Vic Barton-Walderstadt for this week's picture of 10 bicycle stands in Welwyn Garden City.

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Welcome to the Weekly Bonus Question.

Each week the news quiz 7 days 7 questions will offer an answer. You are invited to suggest what the question might have been.

Suggestions should be sent using the COMMENTS BOX IN THIS ENTRY (and not in the form on the right). And since nobody likes a smart alec, kudos will be deducted for predictability in your suggestions.

This week's answer is WANNABE AND THE OTHER ONES.

UPDATE 1604 BST: The correct question is, they will be used in a new musical but how would most people describe the Spice Girls' best songs? (More details - )

Of your wilfully and deliberately wrong questions, we liked:

• Meldrewreborn's What were the worst record/cd releases of the 20th century?
• SkarloeyLine's Default answer on Essex careers questionnaire?
• Fubby's Letter A's wishlist to Santa?
• Nick Fowler's What were David Beckham's ten Desert Island Discs?

Thanks to all who entered.

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An occasional guide to the words and names in the news from Esther de Leeuw
of the ³ÉÈËÂÛ̳ Pronunciation Unit.

During his lifetime, most people would not have given much thought to the pronunciation of Vincent van Gogh's name. Nowadays, getting it right has become a priority for many, especially those who plan to visit The Real van Gogh exhibit which opens at the Royal Academy later this month.

But what is the real pronunciation of Van Gogh? Native English speakers can be heard saying van GOFF (-v as in vet, -a as in pan, -g as in get, -f as in fit) or van GOH (-oh as in no).

In fact, most Dutch people pronounce his surname along the lines of vun KHOKH (-v as in vet, -u as in bun, -kh as in Scottish loch) or fun KHOKH (-f as in fit, -u as in bun, -kh as in Scottish loch). I know that as a child in Anglophone Canada, my Dutch father would have cringed if I ever pronounced one of the former possibilities because he wanted me to say Vincent van Gogh like a native Dutch speaker.

At the Pronunciation Unit, we don't expect non-native Dutch speakers to pronounce his name with a perfect Dutch accent. Instead, we recommend the established Anglicisation van GOKH (-v as in vet, -g as in get, -kh as in Scottish loch) which is codified in numerous British English pronunciation dictionaries.

This recommendation represents a compromise between the aforementioned English pronunciations and the Dutch pronunciations.

The benefits of this recommendation are twofold. Firstly, recommending a single pronunciation ensures consistency across the ³ÉÈËÂÛ̳ which in turn supports ease of perception for our audience.

Secondly, this particular pronunciation is rendered by our broadcasters with relative ease (who are for the most part English native speakers) - and approaches the native Dutch pronunciation.

Moreover, we explain the Dutch pronunciation vun KHOKH to our broadcasters. This is helpful for those who want to understand the reasoning behind our recommended established anglicisation van GOKH.

Accordingly, our recommendation aims to satisfy - at least to a certain extent - voices such as as those coming from my father, whilst at the same time ensuring ease of perception and production for English native speakers.

To download the ³ÉÈËÂÛ̳ Pronunciation Unit's guide to text spelling, click here.

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A service highlighting the riches of the daily press.

It's what photographers call the money shot.

They might have taken hundreds of snaps that day but they know as soon as the shutter closes that THIS one will be the one that makes the papers.

Sometimes a politician, in real life and in fiction, stands in front of an advert and accidentally obscures all the words except, for example, "bent". Or is positioned in such a way that it looks like he or she has antennae.

Well, this week Prince William provided photographers with another such moment, although without looking in any way ridiculous.

He was attending an Australia Day reception at Government House in Melbourne on the third day of his tour of the country.

He sat down in a chair, yards away from an empty throne.

You can imagine all the photographers present saying to themselves: "Look jealously at it, look at it!"

He didn't quite do that (although some papers publish a shot in which he appears to), but as this picture shows, he did look AWAY from it, which is the next best thing.

And how did the sub-editors caption the photograph?

"THINKING OF TRYING IT FOR SIZE?" Daily Telegraph

"HEIR TO THE CHAIR - NO THRONE FOR WILLIAM JUST YET" Guardian

"A KING IN WAITING, BOWLED OVER BY KISSES AND CRICKET" Times

"THANK YOU FOR WAITING FOR THE THRONE... YOU ARE CURRENTLY SECOND IN LINE" Sun

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"She didn't actually grab it" - David Beckham's spokesman, after an Italian TV presenter tried to feel his crotch on air.

Elena Di Cioccio, star of a satirical show, tried to cop a feel of the midfielder's trouser area during an interview session in Milan, where he is currently on loan. No accidental hand ball, this, but a "test" of how Beckham measures up to his Armani underwear adverts, she says. Hence the yellow rubber gloves she donned for the occasion.

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Did anyone else raise an eyebrow at , "there was no oral treatment for erectile dysfunction"?
Peter, Swindon, UK

I'm waiting for the MoD, with its equality legislation, to insist that secular gunsights are also available. Perhaps even atheist sights, too. Can Dawkins abbreviate?
Fee Lock, Hastings, East Sussex

Paper Monitor talks about "sex addition". Will Friday's tell us how to be fruitful and multiply?
Rob Foreman, London, UK
Monitor note: A spot of mistyping I'm afraid. Or a Freudian slip?

It's still a though.
Tom Webb, Surbiton, UK

0/7 on the ? Obviously the four years at university were wasted.
Marie, London

I for one would buy chocolate far more frequently if the wrappers .
Sue, London

Knock knock?
Who's there?
Ahmed.
Ahmed who?
Ahmed the Swedish apple cake, and it was really quite good (Wednesday letters).
(Awful joke = sure way to get into the letters page. Right? Right? ......Wrong?)
Katherine, Canberra

I made it last Friday evening, but found it took 30 minutes rather than 15. It tasted fantastic though, very light and moist. I'll definitely be making it again.
Rebecca, London

Re cooking quantities (Wednesday letters), I have a measuring spoon labelled "1 pinch".
Susan, Newcastle, UK

I didn't make the Swedish apple cake - but I did drink something that involved apples called last night - and it was awesome.
PB, London

As an IT professional of 30+ years standing (no need to fetch my anorak at the end of this - I'm already wearing it) I know HTML (and dozens of other languages) and I can categorically state that in a decade or so of enthusiastic and highly successful internet surfing, I have never ever used HTML (letters passim). Broadly, HTML can be used to develop web pages, but it really is not needed to enjoy them. If one more stretched metaphor is needed, then if surfing the web is like travelling by train, then knowing HTML is like, ummm, being able to print your own timetables. Or something.
John Marsh, Washington DC, US

Oooohhh! I wonder if I did this :) the lovely Monitor would make it magically turn in to a little yellow smiley person? Or if this :P would miraculously turn in to a little yellow sticky-outy-tongue person?
Jaz, Bath, UK
Monitor note: As a point of principle, absolutely not.

To throw my voice into the Paper Monitor gender debate (Wednesday letters), I can assure you that although I do know who three out of four of these people are (although only after a certain amount of rereading the text then checking the pictures and going "aah! Of course!") to my eyes "Joan-from-Mad-Men" is wearing peach, not pink. To call it pink is definitely a male indicator.
Sarah, Colchester
Monitor note: Pink-ish?

You don't need to know the celebrities - all the info is in the article.
Penelope Cruz: mermaidy frock, black Spanish number (only black dress in the lot)
Drew Barrymore: sparkly squirrels at shoulder and hip (more like sparkly fungus, only one with fungus at hip)
Sandra Bullock: purple confectionery (only shiny purple dress)
Hence last one remaining is Mad Men Joan (the least supported of the lot).
There! No need to have ever bought Heat, which is NOT read exclusively by women. And you can pinch it, sneak off and read it, as happens at my work.
Anni, Bristol, UK
Monitor note: Dentists' waiting rooms, friends' toilets...

Regarding the pronunciation of fuchsia (Wednesday letters), I've always wondered how "fewsha" was arrived at. The plant was named after the 16th Century German botanist Leonhart Fuchs, pronounced, like the polar explorer Sir Vivian, "fooks" and not "few". Here it's (correctly) called "fooksia".
Graham, Purmerend, Netherlands

Charles (Wednesday letters), that my post-date activities involved Google had nothing to do with my attire but more to do with:
1) I am a gentleman. Or at least that's what I've been told;
2) my date had to finish off an essay before uni the next day; and
3) The Rules dictate that one should not enter into rumpy pumpy an embrace before the third date, after which the pair should also decide if they are officially "seeing each other".
Basil Long, Nottingham

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A celebration of the riches of the web.

Today in Web Monitor: hypochondria and celebrities, what the archives tell us about a Haitian hotel and data-mining through the lonely hearts.

• why so many artists - his examples include Howard Hughes, Andy Warhol and Michael Jackson - are so frequently under the weather. He comes up with various theories, from protecting privacy to preserving youth, and looks at the history of hypochondria:

"In the 18th Century, hypochondria became almost fashionable, and was thought to be a symptom of excess luxury and ease. Today we appear to have excelled the hypochondriac cultures of the past by elevating the morbidly self-involved to the level of paragon."

• through the pages to trace the history of Hotel Oloffson in Port au Prince, Haiti. The present-day manager, Richard Morse, is tweeting regular updates; so Wild traces Graham Greene's experiences. Greene used the hotel as his model for his Hotel Trianon in The Comedians, published in 1966, starting a continued attack on President Duvalier:

"Greene did not confine his attacks on Duvalier to fiction. In 1969 he wrote to The Times - Morality of states - criticising the United States for appearing to endorse the tyrant's rule. A year later he wrote again - Haiti massacre - this time accusing the CIA of collusion in a massacre of Cap Haitien slum dwellers by the Tonton Macoute."

• Dating network OK Cupid analyses data on its lonely hearts to come up with surprising results. Previously Web Monitor has mentioned that users of the service shower less often the further north in the US they live. A slightly more obvious piece of data is analysed . He looks into the effect of the profile picture on the amount of messages and dates people get. There is one surprise winner in their profile pictures: taking the picture yourself, with your phone or on your webcam. Mr Rudder explains:

"Perhaps what these photos lack in technological quality they make up for in intimacy, and it's undeniable that at their best, self-shot pics can have an approachable, casual vibe that makes you feel already close to the subject.
This finding led us to investigate a controversial women-only subset of the self-shot picture: the universally maligned 'MySpace Shot,' taken by holding your camera above your head and being really darn coy. We were sure that everyone thought these pictures were kinda lame. In fact, producing hard data on just how lame got us all excited. But we were so wrong. In terms of getting new messages, the MySpace Shot is the single most effective photo type for women."

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Winning entries in the Caption Competition.

The competition is now closed.

This week Russian ice damcers Maria Mukhortova and Maxim Trankov perform their free programme to win the bronze medal at the ISU European figure skating championships in Tallinn, Estonia.

Thanks to all who entered. The prize of a small amount of kudos to the following:

6. SeanieSmith
No, I'm not coming down until you apologise.

5. HaveGavel
Go on then: heads, or tails?

4. Richrd Wilson
I think I forgot to turn the oven off. I'll be right back.

3. Rogueslr
Higher, I nearly got a signal then.

2. Hugh McKinney
The new selection criteria for UK citizenship was tougher than expected.

1. MisterFez
As Maria plummeted towards the ice she couldn't help but feel that the marriage counselor had taken the trust exercise too far.

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A service highlighting the riches of the daily press.

So. Tiger's been tracked down in rehab. And not just any old rehab. A sex addiction clinic.

Stop tittering, you at the back.

So, what does sex therapy involve?

Over to the Daily Mail (and its short story headline: " his wife Elin ordered him to attend"):

"On entering the 12-step treatment centre, Tiger would have had to sign an agreement to remain celibate. Over the six-week course he will undergo psychiatric consultation, behavioural therapy, trauma work and 'relapse prevention counselling'. He can also choose to take part in art classes, exercise and fitness regimes, shame reduction work, a spirituality group, a grief group and yoga."

But wait, there's more:

"His estranged wife will also be expected to take part in the therapy, joining his sessions during a 'family week'. This includes 'Disclosure Day' when he will be forced to face Elin and admit, in painful detail, to each and every one of his sexual dalliances."

While the print version of the Mail restricts itself to a snatched photo of the behoodied golfer, another of his wronged wife, and an aerial shot of the clinic, the online version chooses this point in the story to pop in a few pics of said dalliancees - pouting, and in their bras. Sensitively done.

The Daily Express throws in a few more details:

"Patients stay in small bungalows and are divided into groups according to their problems."

Small bungalows with double beds, juding by the accompanying photos.

And the Daily Star provides more info (and shows admirable restraint in publishing a grand total of ZERO photos of his alleged lovers):

"Therapy sessions start at 5.30am but, unlike other patients, Tiger doesn't share a room, doesn't clean his cottage and doesn't attend group sessions."

Somewhat less restrained is the Daily Mirror, which slaps a big EXCLUSIVE label on its over-excited coverage.

"TIGER'S ON THE PROWL - Golf ace pictured at sex clinic" growls its front page.

"And here's why he's there" it adds, on a picture gallery of the club hostess and the model and the waitress and the porn star and another porn star and another waitress and... you get the drift. It adds silhouettes of three mystery women, including one described as: "Lover was predatory older woman".

So let's get this straight. She's predatory. He's prey. But what preys on tigers? Surely not cougars.

By the by, naming a sex addiction centre must be a minefield of unintended innuendo. This one's called the Pine Grove Behavioural Health and Addiction Services clinic, and Tiger is undergoing its Gentle Path treatment program.

Paper Monitor ran both of these past the resident innuendo canary. And it made nary a twitter. Phew!

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"Hello World" - first tweet from newbie micro-blogger , coming somewhat late to the party.

The Microsoft supremo has yet to file 140 characters on what he had for breakfast, instead concerning himself with fundraising for Haiti, saying thanks for the welcome messages, and becoming a follower of a High School Musical actress. His arrival coincided with a longer-than-usual Twitter outage, prompting some to speculate he's to blame. Which seems unlikely.

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Re Quote of the Day: I'd offer EX20:13 or MATT5:21 as more (how shall I put it?) interesting Biblical references for a Christian company to engrave on gunsights.
Paul, Wellington, NZ

Or ROM13:9
Ed, Clacton, UK

The upholding of complaints about to illustrate a tyrannical boss raises two interesting questions. First will this mean no more Dad's Army or Allo, Allo? And what accent would be deemed acceptable? Everyone has an accent. Perhaps we need officially approved comedy accents for common stereotypes. I would be happy to license my common Brighton accent for comedic purposes should anyone require it.
Jan Podsiadly, Croydon

As an American, I can only hope that this will result in year-round availability of chocolate robins eggs, not just for Easter. If not, this buy-out will be of no benefit to us.
Matt King, Dallas, TX

Regarding the Sun's headline (Paper Monitor), surely if we're Americanised, it should be Bornville Ultimatum?
Maggie Woodward, London

Surely, Paper Monitor, it should be in full "the choccy horror Wispa show".
Frederick Heath-Renn, London, UK

I suppressed the childish smirk whilst reading about . I almost made it to the end too - see if you can guess when the dam finally burst and I almost fell off my chair laughing.
Jonny, Leicester

I nearly cried when I saw . Seriously.
R.I.P. Casper - enjoy "exploring heaven".
Luisa, Bristol, UK

Glad to see a familiar face in question 7 of the .
K Patel, London

, "As well as listening to classical music for an hour, pupils also have to watch an educational television show". That sounds like my idea of the perfect evening - do they get a glass of red wine too?
John Bratby, Southampton

? Sounds a bit eerie to me...
Jim, Crowborough

OK, back to the old gender debate. I suggest that Paper Monitor must be female, as Tuesday's effort includes pictures of female celebrities and refers to them AS IF EVERYONE KNOWS WHO THEY ARE without labelling them. Clearly a reader of Heat magazine or OK! or some other such magazine that I can only assume are read exclusively by females (I've certainly never seen a man buy one). Question settled?
(BTW I'm still a little confused as to which female is which in the pictures...)
Jimmy, Dorking, UK
Monitor note: Asking the wrong person, Jimmy.

Colin (Tuesday letters), would you prefer the question to be phrased "Why did God design plate techtonics in such a way to allow natural disasters to happen?"
Mark Williams, Oxford, UK

I'd always just write "RE:" and include whatever story I was referencing. The links then magically appeared (Tuesday letters). I never knew I was making Monitor work so hard. My apologies. If I could find Tunnock's tea cakes over here, I'd send you some.
Steve Hill, Milwaukee, WI, US
Monitor note: Bless you.

I feel drawn to test the extents of MM's semi-automatic html link formatting service by throwing in just a little bit more work to do, in response to Andy (/blogs/magazi - PLEASE EDIT THIS PART OUT - nemonitor/2010/01/your_letters_836.shtml)
Joel Horne, Tokyo, Japan
Monitor note: You, however...

So Andy's clicky link solution was to get someone else to do it for him, eh? Ellie and Fee, you need to write this, BUT change the round brackets () for pointy ones :
(a href="url here")link text here(/a)
On a side note, surely insisting you need to know HTML to appreciate the internet is like claiming you need to be able to write a good novel before you can fully enjoy reading one.
Joseph Ball, London, UK

"16-bit colour spectrum" (Tuesday letters)?! That's still 65,536 colours - most men have more like a 16 colour palette, total. If that.
Alexander Lewis Jones, Nottingham, UK

Basil (Tuesday letters) - I bet that took a while if you spelt it how it sounds. My missus said it once, I googled "fewsha" and didn't get far at all.
Ash, Barnet

Basil, I'm sure your wearing pink had nothing to do with the fact your post-date activities involved Google. I find myself in the same boat, and I even accessorised said pink shirt with a lovely lime green tie. Chin up; one day they'll see we were right.
Charles, Sao Paulo

Let's get American cooking terms straight (Tuesday's letters).
1) Americans don't tend to use ounces. Just teaspoons, tablespoons and cups or fractions thereof.
2) A cup is a defined measurement: 8 fluid ounces. It is therefore irrelevant that one can have cups of different sizes. I have seen many stones in my life. Only a very small proportion weigh exactly 14 pounds.
3) In US recipes, a teaspoon or tablespoon is not the volume of liquid in any old spoon. They are also defined: 1 tablespoon = 1/2 ounce, 3 teaspoons = 1 tablespoon.
Beth, London

I always use grams to cook and I am teaching my children to cook in grams. Many new cookbooks do not even have ounces as a measurement. Time to move on.
Catherine, Colchester, UK
Monitor note: Thanks all who commented on this, but did anyone actually make the Swedish apple cake in question - and how was it?

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A celebration of the riches of the web.

In Web Monitor today: predictive obituaries, naming earthquakes and what Cicero could teach tweeters.

• The idea of hearing your eulogy before you die spills out of self-help books and sit-coms. Thanks to GQ magazine, one person to do so for real is Peter Mandelson - GQ asked six people to write his obituary. Now the print version of the magazine has been and gone, . He predicts Mandelson will live until 2037:

"When he eventually returned for his fourth and longest incarnation, in the Conservative administration of Boris Johnson in 2016, at the age of 62, he called himself 'The Comeback Comeback Comeback Kid'. Each time he fell from grace, it seemed that his career was over, and each time that career up to that point would have satisfied all but the most ambitious of politicians."

, which is slightly more fanciful:

"By 2025, the country was teetering on the verge of economic and social chaos, and in June that year, the army stepped in to restore order. It was a 'very British coup' with no troops on the street. King William suspended parliament and on military recommendation asked the 72-year-old Senator Mandelson to come out of retirement to form a puppet administration. It has been difficult to locate the Senator, who, some years earlier had devoted his life to becoming a Buddhist monk wandering from village to village living off food handouts"

• One question the earthquake in Haiti has is why don't earthquakes have names like hurricanes do:

"Because they happen in one place. A storm can move 3,000 miles across land and sea in its lifetime, and the ability to disseminate clear information about its path and strength is crucial for public safety. According to the World Meteorological Organization - the body that coordinates the naming of tropical cyclones - giving storms pithy monikers like Mindy or Gordon makes it easier for the media to report on them and for 'widely scattered stations, coastal bases, and ships at sea' to share data quickly and accurately. For earthquakes, no such warning system is necessary. So the informal nomenclature commonly used by geologists - year and then location, as in 'the 1989 Loma Prieta earthquake' - works just fine."

• his first message on Twitter:

"'Hello World.' Hard at work on my foundation letter - publishing on 1/25."

who would be the best person to craft a powerful tweet. He finds the Roman speeches of Cicero can fit nicely into the 140 characters allowed in a tweet. He thinks President Obama can learn from this too:

"Perhaps, now that President Obama has tentatively made his first, ghostwritten tweet, Cicero might be a reminder that those who have chided him for grandiloquence merely wish him to write as they do. Twitter may be, in many ways, absurd; but it may also hasten the inner ear to the voices and glories of the past. [114 characters]"

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A service highlighting the riches of the daily press.

There have been strains before: the , the alleged snubbing of Gordon Brown by Barack Obama in the US last year, the unleashing on an unsuspecting British public of Hanson.

Yet the fabled Special Relationship that binds the UK and US has always survived... until now, at least.

Kraft's takeover of plucky British confectioner Cadbury is causing all sorts of unrest in the pages of the British press.

The Daily Express - the "World's greatest newspaper" - has found a fire in its belly unknown since the days of the Diana inquest. It has launched a "crusade" to

Inside, the Express has - complete with Union Flag waistcoat, bow tie and top hat - who is pictured holding a burning Toblerone (a Kraft brand for those who aren't up to speed with global brand acquisitions).

He's even sporting a rosette which proclaims "Hey Hershey your chocs are rubbish" which seems to miss the point on two counts - Kraft is nothing to do with Hershey, and Cadbury actually solicited a takeover bid from Hershey before its shareholders succumbed to the Kraft offer.

"The choccy horror story" is the headline - although shouldn't it be "show" rather than "story"?

Over at the Mirror, business editor Clinton Manning is caught between po-faced analysis and the irresistible punning opportunities of all those Cadbury brands.

Manning notes the relationship between Kraft and Cadbury looks "flakey" and that Kraft has mortgaged Cadbury to the hilt "by pledging just a wispa under £12bn".

The Sun, as ever, distils it all into a perfectly pithy headline: "The Bournville Ultimatum".

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"JN8:12" - shorthand for John chapter 8, verse 12, found inscribed on gunsights used by the British and American soldiers

John 8:12 reads: "When Jesus spoke again to the people, he said, 'I am the light of the world. Whoever follows me will never walk in darkness, but will have the light of life." Trijicon, the US-based manufacturer, says it runs to "Biblical standards".

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If you believe in God, then Because a belief in God and a belief in plate techtonics are not mutually exclusive.

Thank you for - it made my day...
Paul Maplesden, Tunbridge Wells, UK

Re dogs and languages (Web Monitor): When I lived in Botswana, I observed that when a local was angry with their dog, they shouted at it in Afrikaans, but used their own language ordinarily to the pooch.
Susan Thomas, Brisbane, Australia

Fashion writers are mean (Paper Monitor). Given that nobody will remember any of the clothes next year, couldn't they just say that everyone looked lovely? It's not as if anyone went in tracky bottoms.
Phil, Guisborough

Paper Monitor has definitely confirmed it is male - us men only have a 16-bit colour spectrum.
AD, London

If pink is the colour of the season then I am suitably ahead of the game - I went on a date on Sunday night in a pink shirt; although I was reliably informed by the waiter (who also informed me that only a real man can wear pink) that it was "fuchsia". Needless to say, I had to Google that when I got home.
Basil Long, Nottingham

Dan (Monday letters), ounces are in constant daily use in Britain. I don't know any cooks who voluntarily use grammes. Cups have always been a peculiar over-the-pond measure - I have cups in my house that vary from thimble-sized espresso cups, to pint tea mugs.
Polly Saxon, Cornwall

Surfing the internet without knowing HTML is like travelling everywhere by train (Monday letters). It can be very comfortable, but you're rather limited in what you can do. Depending on how much you know, it might be more like being able to take a bus or a tram, perhaps a plane or boat, or even drive a car. If you really know HTML, it's like being able to get out and actually walk.
Alexander Lewis Jones, Nottingham, UK

So Ellie & I, who also want to know how to make clicky links, are none the wiser, despite two days of sympathy.
Fee Lock, Hastings, East Sussex

Monitor note: Wait for it...

Seeing as no-one else will actually answer Ellie (Thursday letters), and just seem to be debating whether or not everyone should know HTML, here goes:
Ellie, click in the address bar to highlight the link. Copy it. In your message, paste the link where you want it. The lovely Monitor will then edit your message and turn it into a hyperlink for you - no need for you to know HTML at all.
This is what I have done in this message, and I bet in brackets at the top it says "Thursday's letters" with a hyperlink.
Andy Taylor, Southampton, UK
Monitor note: D'oh - am so predictable!

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A celebration of the riches of the web.

Today in Web Monitor: why glossier remakes fail, the plague of the blue plaque and the next cyberspace.

• that the American version of ³ÉÈËÂÛ̳ police drama Life on Mars has been quietly cancelled - despite Harvey Keitel's involvement, playing detective Gene Hunt. Mr Stevenson looks at what can go wrong when America remakes UK television:

"The producers of the American version of The Office reportedly said they set out to make 'the exact same series but with 10% more hope.' It simply wouldn't fly to portray the Dunder Miffliners of Scranton, Pa., as sallow zombies drained of prospects and ambition, whereas the dead-end drones of Wernham Hogg's Slough, England, branch looked right at home on British television. The American producers of Life on Mars clearly had a similar formula in mind, but were I to guess at the exact equation I'd gauge it at: 10% more hope, 30% more schmaltz, 50% more glamour, and 700% better production values... It's this want-to-live-in-its-world-ness that the bigger, brassier American Life on Mars never quite pulls off."

• The news that George Orwell's Indian birthplace will be made into a museum has :

"That we tend to fetishize writers' residences is a little odd to begin with. By and large the same fuss doesn't get made over places where artists have lived, and yet you could argue that an artist's surroundings have more bearing on his work. But birthplaces themselves are an even odder subcategory, certainly less interesting, in general, than the houses where writers have actually worked."

"As for their birthplaces, who cares? Nobody is born at home anymore, and who would want to make a literary pilgrimage to a hospital?"

• Science fiction is too often written off as niche literature, even though it actually changes the future - that is, . She points out that it was a sci-fi writer, William Gibson, who first used the word "cyberspace", in 1984, and goes on:

"What will the next 'cyberspace' be, or the next Moon landing, and who will invent it? Science-fiction writers in the year 2050 will be imagining the year 3000, and beyond, and so on. It's a living, breathing tradition that informs the very world it critiques, inventing new myths, words, and realities just as we catch up to its old ones. Our greatest science-fiction writers feed the future with speculation as we move towards it, and we are all better off for considering what they have to say."

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A service highlighting the riches of the daily press.

It's the start of awards season, when the twitchers of fashion emerge from their short hibernation to cast a gimlet eye over the red carpet hits and misses.

This is not a game for amateurs. You may think Penelope Cruz looks very fetching in that mermaidy frock, as does Joan-from-Mad-Men in her, er, pink dress.

But it takes a professional to really nail such observations. And not just for their grasp of the many and varied shades of pink. "Joan's" dress, for example, is actually "apricot sorbet", says the Guardian. A very 2010 shade, apparently.

But Liz Jones, of the Daily Mail, doesn't like it one bit, . Judge for yourself in the photo above.

Nor can the experts agree on who deserves the gong for Best Dressed in Show. (Again, judge for yourself in the photo above.) For the Mail, it's Penelope.

"She looks undeniably, unforgettably Spanish, in a lace and chiffon vintage gown by Armani Prive."

The Guardian begs to differ - her black dress is "pointlessly fussy" with its lace top, "bodycon" (that's body conscious to the fashion unconscious) middle and "flamenco fishtail hem".

For the Independent - which adds to Paper Monitor's lexicon of pink with Maggie Gyllenhaal in "salmon" and Emily Blunt in "candyfloss" - the .

"[She] demonstrated the understated hair and make-up and a healthy figure just can't be outshone."

The Guardian also praises Drew's "pitch-perfect" dress with its "on trend" pastel shade (is it pink? Paper Monitor is not qualified to say) and classic shape.

"The sparkly squirrels' tails at the shoulder and the hip are a curveball, but somehow they work. Lovely."

Sparkly squirrels' tails? Now that's a technical term Paper Monitor can do business with. Say what you see, fashion folk, say what you see.

So does the Mail like this much-praised ensemble? Not a bit of it - "Drew Barrymore looks bald, and far too washed out".

Ms Jones prefers Sandra Bullock's purple number - "pretty in a Quality Street sweet wrapper sort of way". The Indy, by contrast, sniffs that the only accolade it deserves is "greatest similarity to cheap confectionary".

Mmm. What with this comparison and the , Paper Monitor has a hankering for chocolate.

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"Hello, I'm Paul McCartney. Or as I'm now known, that guy from Rock Band" - Even a former Beatle can be eclipsed by his video game avatar.

Sir Paul, along with his Fab Four bandmates, has been cartoonised for The Beatles: Rock Band, a music video game which has sold well since its release last September.

The karaoke-style game uses adapted controllers to play along to various songs as lead guitar, bass guitar or drums.

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Jim (Friday's letters) is being a bit harsh to Ellie (Thursday's letters) - surfing the internet without knowing basic HTML is more like driving a car without knowing the basics of the internal combustion engine.
Mandy, UK

Jim (Friday's letters) - I've been driving for years and have literally no idea how gears work, other than "push in clutch, waggle stick until that horrible grinding noise stops, let out clutch". Am I doing it wrong?

PS - I really, really want to see a cat play clarinet.
Mike, Edinburgh, UK

story could not be any better.
Dan, Cambridge

OK, but do have more fun?
Robin, Herts, UK

I couldn't help but notice the tragic choice of words in , where it is said that John Prescott "had a weight not all transport ministers have had".
Warren, Bristol

Jenny, Chicago (Friday's letters): Terribly sorry that this British news site couldn't cater to your cups of this and ounces of that. Perhaps this is a letter in which a "let me Google that for you" link may have been suitable, but I refuse to bow to peer pressure.
Dan, Croydon

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A celebration of the riches of the web.

Today in Web Monitor: Why animals are so popular on the web, a story of North Korean jeans and the virtues of arrogance.

• why online animals are so popular. On Wednesday, after the Haiti earthquake, the most-popular story on the ³ÉÈËÂÛ̳ website was about a "Polish-speaking" dog.

Under a splendid headline, Mr Davies jokes at first that the popularity of animals on the internet is a variant on the popularity of pornography - the animals are all naked. He then tries on some philosophers for size to see if they can help, and concludes that their universality makes animals so popular:

"Pets sit mid-way between a global civil society and a global horror show... Human beings can't all partake in a single rational discourse about the nature of scientific progress, but they can all laugh at a cat that plays the clarinet."

• the story of three Swedish twenty-somethings who set up a business importing clothing from North Korea. Apparently an idea which started during some late-night drinking, the three sealed the deal thanks to one of their fathers dressing in a suit to add an air of credibility. The tale also involves a trip to North Korea and a shop of their own, which includes a museum about North Korea:

"This is the story of an experiment. How does one gain access to one of the most sealed-off countries in the world? In the digital age, North Korea is the last remaining bit of terra incognita in the Worldwide Web. Whereas Jakob Ohlsson, 23, Tor Rauden Källstigen, 24 and Jacob Aström, 25, spend a lot of time online, and they are never without their laptops."

• After helping out his ex-students to find jobs, internet guru about the differences between men and women in the jobs market. Women, he says, just won't lie:

"They aren't just bad at behaving like arrogant self-aggrandizing jerks. They are bad at behaving like self-promoting narcissists, anti-social obsessives, or pompous blowhards, even a little bit, even temporarily, even when it would be in their best interests to do so. Whatever bad things you can say about those behaviors, you can't say they are underrepresented among people who have changed the world."

Links in full

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A service highlighting the riches of the daily press.

We start with the Daily Mail. Increasingly, it is impossible to start anywhere else.

And page three makes a good first port of call. It's a cruel, cruel picture.

A large image of Prince William leaning his head forward is shown next to the headline: "William showing a lack of hairs and grace".

There follows a brief description of William's receding hair. The photo shows the hair loss to be most pronounced at the crown, but with a noticeable horseshoe effect.

Viewed from the front, particular from below, the situation doesn't look too bad. And as William is considerably north of 6ft that's how most people view him.

But this top shot is as bleak as one of those apocalyptic National Geographic images of slash-and-burn farmers in the Amazonian rainforest.

Balance is offered within one extraordinary paragraph.

"'Oh my God, he looks really bald,' said one female journalist. 'But he is still handsome as hell,' added a colleague."

Across all the papers there's a bit of a kerfuffle over the 59-year-old prospective IVF mother, but the Times offers a very thoughtful leader with minimum froth. The Mail also fails to get excited, perhaps aware that its sister paper has already been there 24 hours ago.

The was headlined: "A defiance of nature, an abuse of medical skill".

Incidentally, it wasn't until Paper Monitor watched a TV advert for the Mail on Sunday that it became obvious that its colour magazine Live is pronouced as in "live concert" or "the brown cable is the live one". For no particular reason, one had assumed it was pronounced as in "live and let live" or "don't come and live here". [Earworm alert: Don't take this as pretext to start singing Live is Life by Opus.]

Elsewhere in today's Mail there's an interesting approach to illustrating an interview with June Whitfield. The reporter in question , and that's the only image used. Talk about getting up close and personal.

And finally, again in the Mail, about an asylum seeker who has been repeatedly caught trying to get OUT of Britain. It has to be read to be believed.

Update 17:20: The shame. It wasn't live as in live concert, it was live as in live life. What one thought was live was actually live. And live live. So when it came to writing live, one wrote live instead. And live instead of live. Thank HEAVENS faithful and wise reader Richard Stevens of Leicester wasn't so confused. Apologies.

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"Vivienne Westwood found inspiration in the roving vagrant whose daily get-up is a battle gear for the harsh weather conditions" - Reported press release for fashion collection by the veteran designer.

The Times acidly notes that Zoolander did this before, but you have to take your hat off to La Westwood for taking style direction from the homeless. It's all quilted bomber jackets and snug hoodies apparently.

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