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Snippets from the week's news, sliced, diced and processed for your convenience.

1. The heat of a chilli pepper is measured on the Scoville Scale.

2. The world's oldest hot cross bun is 189 today.

3. The world record for sitting in a room with snakes without being bitten is 113 days.

4. Fish, rodents and snakes can predict earthquakes.

5. The classic 45-second shower scene in Psycho took a week to film.

6. Britain's oldest-known new father is 76.

7. The average person tells four lies a day.


8. The most visited exhibition in the world last year was a Buddhist exhibition in Japan.

9. Ordained priests can work in supermarkets.

10. Gossip spreads as rapidly as flu.

Seen 10 things? Thanks to John Gore from Scotland for this week's picture of 10 spiky growths on a cactus.

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Winning entries in the Caption Competition.

The competition is now closed.

This week it was French President Nicolas Sarkozy and US President Barack Obama running to a joint press conference in the White House.

Thanks to all who entered. The prize of a small amount of kudos to the following:

6. Abbotofmelrose
"NO WAY is he getting the window seat in Air Force 1!"

5. BeckySnow
"Ice cream van's here!"

4. ktj4010
"If I can just reach the top of the stairs first, then I'll be the tall one."

3. Candace
"Hurry, the brie is nearly room temperature."

2. Valerie Ganne
"Quick! Party at the Berlusconi's."

1. John
I'll go to the Kitchen, you go upstairs. Mr Brown will never find us."

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"You get the idea on TV that he knows everything" - University Challenge contestant Alex Guttenplan on the show's presenter Jeremy Paxman.

The 19-year-old captain of a team from Cambridge's Emmanuel College - who made the news for calmly rebuking Paxman over a poetry question - told his university paper the presenter stumbles over names and has to re-record questions. A ³ÉÈËÂÛ̳ spokesman said: "In common with most pre-recorded programmes, minor reshoots do occasionally take place."
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It's the last instalment until after the Easter weekend, here you go...

Mobile phone to be lowered ... haha, it must be April Fools' Day. Oh, wait ...
Maggie, South London, UK

Maybe it is the legacy of and panda eggs from years past, but I find myself unable to believe any news stories around this time of year. For example, I'm not at all sure whether there will be an built in 2012, but I'm sure that announcing it this close to April 1 was a mistake if it is genuine.
Chris Lewis, Istanbul, Turkey

"The ". Please tell me this is a mistake. In the midst of one of the worst ever recessions, with all the needs going un-met in London (homeless, elderly, children.. I could go on), please, please don't tell me that we have a government crazy enough to spent £19m on a sculpture. Those millions could do a huge amount of good and we could still have a decent sculpture for a fraction of the cost. The world has gone mad.
Henri, Sidcup

Anything you can do, we can do better (after all this is Australia and Queensland to boot, which is like Yorkshire in its attitudes - especially towards the south). Regarding the story about the stuck , we recently had someone drive about 50k with a small (a pademelon to be precise) stuck in the grill of their grotesquely oversized 4WD. It survived, poor little thing. I'll get my drizabone now.
Susan.Thomas, Brisbane, Australia

Did anyone else actually go away and google ? I did - the magazine told me to.
Jaz, Bath

Regarding today's : if I pay the appropriate person the requisite fee, might I be allowed to throttle Danny Dyer too?
Sue, London

Louise McMurran (Tuesday's Letters), if you want to show off to others about your MM contributions, simply do a Google search on "bbc.co.uk" and your name and you'll see all your writings on one handy Google page. Yes, I've done it myself, too.
Johan van Slooten, Urk, The Netherlands

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A service highlighting the riches of the daily press.

OK, so we've got our but aren't.

But what about the actual April Fools in today's papers? Do they cut the mustard?

The Daily Telegraph has . The execution is suitably deadpan, although the idea itself is unlikely to fool anybody who is a not a recently-arrived sheep herder from an unelectrified part of the world.

Paper Monitor has to concede that the Sun has come up with a nice one, it claims to have printed the first lickable newspaper page with a taste. It's nicely done with a white space underneath the legend: "LICK HERE." It warns: "MAY CONTAIN NUTS."

The Daily Mail's AA rocketman seems a little underwhelming.

Both the Sun and the Mail adapt the now standard April Fool signifier of an anagrammatic name. The Sun's is "flair spool" publishing, while the Mail's AA strategist is Dr "Raif Lopol".

The Indy's effort is rather topical, but also disappointingly metrocentric. using the same tunnels as the London Underground's Circle Line.

There's barely a titter raised from the Guardian's page three, which suggests to boost his "gangsta" credentials. One is under the slogan "STEP OUTSIDE POSH BOY".

But the Daily Express deserves a mention for the least effort spent on an April Fool. It carries a picture supposedly of the Queen getting on an easyJet yesterday.

But the picture seems to be a hoax circulating on the internet, rather than an Express-originated April Fool.

Roll on 2 April we say.

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"Should I start taking very bad photos to be able to get them printed?" - A student after Boots refused to print her photographs because they were "too good".

Joanna Ornowska says she was astonished when a branch of Boots in Coventry refused to print her photographs because they suspected the pictures were professional and illegally downloaded from the internet. "The staff said that they didn't believe that I'd taken them, it was crazy," says the 25 year old, who is studying photography at Coventry University. The company's policy on copyright means it is illegal to print photographs taken by a professional photographer without their permission.

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"The artist will work with leading structural designer, Cecil Balmond of engineering firm Arup." Arup, of Millenium 'wobbly' Bridge fame? I'm starting to see why they've called it from the outset. "...will be built near the Olympic stadium" - not too near I hope.
John Bratby, Southampton

Re: This was a very confusing story as the person in questions has only "asked a judge in Los Angeles to formally change his name and gender". There was no indication that it had been granted. Therefore isn't he a she until that point? Otherwise you are inferring "he" want to become a "she". But that's not the case? As i said. Confusing.
Tom Webb, Surbiton, UK

With regarding to the counting of "10 Things", I believe that Steve Elsworth was the first person to bring this habit to our attention way back in 2006 , although I cannot find any evidence that a flexicon entry was ever agreed.
Dan Wilkinson, Chesterfield, UK

When I read I couldn't help but wonder whether, when assessing the fine, the judge said 'are we all done at £1,000?'. I probably haven't got enough to do, have I?
Neil Franklin, Chandlers Ford, UK

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A service highlighting the riches of the daily press.

Few are the occasions when Paper Monitor ventures into the world of sport.

But today the Guardian's ball-based journalism must be highlighted.

In its coverage of Manchester United's 2-1 first-leg defeat by Bayern Munich in the Champions League quarter-final, it finds time for a delicious bit of mockery of the ITV commentator Clive Tyldesley.

Tyldesley is regularly lampooned by football fans for his constant references to "that magical night in Barcelona", a shorthand reference to the 1999 Champions League final in which Manchester United came from behind to beat Bayern Munich 2-1.

Indeed, variations on the phrase occur so regularly in Tyldesley's commentary for Man Utd games that some fans have sweepstakes to predict the level of occurrence.

So the Guardian ribs the commentator with a box full of what Tyldesley might have said if he had been doing last night's match (it was on Sky).

But if Paper Monitor is going to highlight what is good about sports coverage, it must also highlight the bad. Some believe that punning is the lowest form of wit, but it is not in doubt that sports punning is the lowest form of punning.

Take the Daily Star's headline for the Lyon win from last night. "Lisandro is Lyon king." Like the musical. The Lion King. Geddit? DO YOU GEDDIT?

But actually that pales in comparison with the Daily Mirror. Wayne Rooney's injury is summed up with "ROOINS", although the "ROO" is in yellow just to make the "gag" clear to the catastrophically thick.

The Man Utd match report says "FROM BAD TO WURST". Like the sausage, although it is not clear what part sausage played in Man Utd's defeat.

Please stop. It's not too late to seek help.

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For those who have landed here from Wednesday's Daily Mini-Quiz, this is your reward - a picture of pineberries. They look like a white strawberry but taste like a pineapple.

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"Although big cities such as Barcelona have positive attractions, the mixture in Blackpool is truly unique" - Doug Garrett, chief executive of ReBlackpool, dares to dream.

Everybody knows Barcelona made a good go of fixing its rough bits up for the 1992 Olympics, and became one of the most popular weekend break destinations in Europe. It's the stuff regeneration agency bosses dream of at night.

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Classic "Good News - Bad News". is good for you, but only half a bar a week. Half a bar! Anyone with that much willpower will probably live to be 200 out of stubbornness alone.
John Marsh, Washington DC, USA

and other chocolate can be good for you, as long as you eat only small amounts. So not in fact, if you eat an entire Easter Egg.
Dan, Cambridge

The hive has been sent to local beekeepers in an attempt to identify the type of that made them. I'm no expert, but having read the article I'm putting my money on bees.
David, Romford, UK

Wow. *whistles in awe* Maybe it's time i rethink my career and become a .
Jaz, Bath

Well I see a . It has a window and a chimney and everything. I can see the pacman too though.
Luisa, Bristol

What is the purpose of this ? Is it so the players and crowd can see it better?
Jason McNally, London

Am I alone in wondering if the lady shown chatting to David Cameron in today's Paper Monitor is breaking wind?
Phil, London, UK

Jenn (Monday letters) isn't alone in being very proud of having letters published. When my first ever (and sadly, only) letter was published I was so excited I felt the need to alert all my friends and family members by text. And to announce it to the other staff on the morning ward round at the hospital I was working at. Unfortunately no-one ever got half as excited as me (sniff).
Louise McMurran, Glasgow, Scotland

Wow, Jenn (Monday letters) I wish I'd thought of that, as all evidence of my cleverness is floating around in cyberspace.
Nadja, Bostonian Generally in Moscow but Safely in Scotland This Week

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A service highlighting the riches of the daily press.

Once upon a time, dress was quite simple for politicians.

There's a great Central Press photo from Budget Day 100 years ago. It shows David Lloyd George and Winston Churchill on their way to strut their stuff.

Both men wear top hats, waistcoats and frock coats. They have pocket watches with the chains clearly visible. Their collars are white and starched. Lloyd George has a tie with a stud, and carries an umbrella. Churchill has a bow tie, and prefers a cane.

They look, in short, like Edwardian Reservoir Dogs.

Fast forward a century and politician dress is so much more complicated.

Take David Cameron for instance. A couple of papers seem rather intrigued by a dark jacket he wore on Saturday.

in the Times represents one aspect of the coverage. Its correspondent describes a "black, epauletted M-65 battlejacket-inspired coat".

The Daily Mail on Monday . It described:

"The biker-style jacket from Gap and jean-like trousers from Zara, which he combined with the open-necked shirt from trendy Japanese store Uniqlo, were obviously picked in the hope of making him appear more informal."

But the paper doesn't seem ready to let go.

Today's Mac cartoon is on the theme and there's a , querying his chocolate brown shirt.

Then there is some very confusing stuff about why he's wearing items from brands like Gap and Uniqlo.

Platell, sadly, falls short of a call for a return to 1910 standards.

In the interests of balance Paper Monitor will be featuring future fashion analyses of other party leaders, assuming they wear anything to pique the interest of the papers.

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For those who found their way here from the Daily Mini-Quiz, here is the innovative pink cricket ball in action at the Sheikh Zayed Stadium in Abu Dhabi.

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"Although there is not one specific DIY gene, spatial awareness is vital in understanding how shapes fit together and is therefore fundamental to DIY skills" -Psychologist Glenn Wilson offers academic backing for the excusemakers.

Two in three Britons "are said" to lack the spatial awareness to do DIY tasks. Many may have suspected this already, but it's taken research to hammer the message home.

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Daily Express claims conspiracy - shock, horror' (Paper Monitor), surely a headline in itself.
Geoff Halford, Grange-over-Sands, England

So, the police would like the offender to ."

I'd say he does- like his own identity!
K McSorley, Bangor

Am I alone in proudly taking a screen print and saving it to a Word document when my letters get published? I'll get my Mac...
Jenn, Porthcawl, Bridgend

Oh the joy! The simple pleasure of being the first to answer the daily mini-quiz. Although my joy was slightly alloyed by reading "1 answers so far." You know how much Magazine readers hate to be pedantic, but really, you cannot let that continue. I will be checking.
GDW, Edinburgh

Re:Basildon name in lights. If they use just the first five letters, it might attract Fawlty Towers fans...
Candace, New Jersey, US

Why can't all road safety campaigns be as straight to the point as :
Phil, Leeds, UK

Re: Counting 10 things, I never have before, however since reading the letters on the subject i found myself doing it with the latest 10 things. Thanks Guys!
Matt, Croydon

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A service highlighting the riches of the daily press

Yes, the clocks have gone forward but Paper Monitor is wondering if the newspapers have gone back? Are they stuck in a time warp? Could we be back in 1997 again?

The first offender is the Daily Express. Yes, you've guessed it -

"Diana was murdered in plot to destroy her love for Dodi," says the headline.

The paper quotes Michael Mansfield QC, who believes the deaths were part of a "carefully orchestrated plan" by unnamed parties to end the relationship:

""I don't personally believe they wanted them dead, but they wanted to end the relationship by a serious accident and in that case they still can be prosecuted for murder, as there was an intent of at least really serious harm."

The latest reports of a conspiracy theory coincide with Michael Mansfield's one-man tour at the weekend.

Staying with the 1997 theme, and the Daily Mirror has Tony Blair on its front page.

, the headline proclaims, although the former PM has never really been away since stepping down - what with his new jobs in the Middle East and a recent appearance at the Iraq inquiry. The Daily Mirror cites Blair as Labour's "secret weapon" (not of mass destruction Paper Monitor notes). Staying with the battlefield language, it says Mr Blair is planning an "ambush" on David Cameron, in what will be a "surprise attack" during a speech tomorrow.

Ahhh, 1997, the year of Cool Britannia. The flag bearers for the music of that time were the Gallagher brothers. And - lo and behold - who is in The Sun, only Liam Gallagher. These day it's not about the music, it's all about the fashion, but Liam still has his , saying he doesn't know anything about fashion despite launching his own clothing range. His only fashion passion is for suede shoes apparently.

Sooooo 1997. Paper Monitor wonders what year the newspaper tardis will take it to tomorrow.

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"We're not doing this to try to make Basildon more glamorous" - The Basildon councillor on why the town's getting its own Hollywood sign.

Everyone dreams of having their name up in lights - now, the Essex town of Basildon is set to get the same kind of star treatment. Millions flock to LA to take a look at the famous 'Hollywood' sign - work has begun to create a similar homage to Basildon.

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