³ÉÈËÂÛ̳

Snippets from the week's news, sliced, diced and processed for your convenience.

1. One in five UK women will not have children, many by choice.
(More details)

2. Gooseberries have been in England since at least 1275, when the king shipped over plants from France to grow at the Tower of London.
(More details)

3. International athletes coming to London for the 1948 Olympics had to bring their own towels.
(More details)

4. And half the pigeons brought to the stadium to be released for the opening ceremony died in the heat.
(More details)

5. A man thought to be Tokyo's oldest had, in fact, been dead for 30 years.
(More details)

6. Dogs mimic their owners.
(More details)

7. And one in three are obese.
(More details)

8. Snooker world championships used to last a year.
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9. One in 36 pound coins is fake.
(More details)

10. The world's most ancient living creatures are a breed of shrimp which live in south-west Scotland.
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Seen 10 things? Thanks to Vic Barton-Walderstadt for this week's picture of 10 advertising boards.

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The Quote of the Day tells us the man was holding "a cigarette in one hand and his manhood in the other". Please tell me he lit the right one.
Michael Hall, Croydon, UK

Re Quote of the Day, who says men can't multitask?
Alan, Salford, UK
Monitor note: A proud day indeed...

This story - Whirlwind caused havoc at Essex fair - makes me want to know if anyone has ever been tangled in a gazebo before. And also how popular egg-catching is across the country.
Rob Foreman, London, UK

Paper Monitor, I challenge you to ever find a headline to rival .
Kat Gregg, Coventry

I just checked my local weather forecast on the ³ÉÈËÂÛ̳ website and hadn't expected to be insulted!
The marquee along the top of the page immediately sported the unwelcome message "Some hit and miss rain on the way toady".
Well, weasel, it'll be curtains for you if I get wet!
I'll get me brolly...
Fi, Gloucestershire, UK

Same here. Well, a) how can rain be hit and miss? Will some it nearly reach the ground and then go back up again? And b) there's no need to get personal! I never look great in the morning.
Sue, London

Are family holidays worth all the hassle? The secret is to take an outsider with you (kid's friend etc). Then everyone has to be pleasant to each other.
Jessica Cahill

Andrew (Thursday letters) reminded me of how the Welsh eat cheese... caerphilly.
WP, Cardiff, Wales

Fred asked in Thursday letters about which cheese is best with honey: my choice is manchega with local runny honey and a couple of freshly picked ripe figs eaten at a rustic table under a canopy of rustling vine leaves, with cicadas thrumming in the background and the prospect of a little siesta on crisp white linen sheets in sight. Other cheeses and fantasies are available.
Vicky, East London

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Winning entries in the caption competition.

The competition is now closed.

This week, we had protesters in London demonstrating against a plan by a mining company to mine in the western Orissa region of India.

Thanks to all who entered. The prize of a small amount of kudos to the following:

6. Candace9839
When Trekkies retire

5. Kudosless
Blue on Greens should never be seen

4. georgehh
As the match entered its second day, the two finalists of the world 'how long can you hold your breath' cup were determined to give nothing away.

3. Marshfoot
I warned you about the English Summer, but would you belive me?

2. peter68
Papa Smurf's denial of extra marital affairs was looking dodgy

1. Filboid
Welcome to Arizona! May I see your papers, please?

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A service highlighting the riches of the daily press.

Bad news for one paper is invariably regarded as excellent news by its rivals, and the Guardian serves up an embarrassing tale for certain tabloids with a hefty dollop of relish.

It transpires that the Daily Mail and the Sun have had to apologise to Parliament Square Tamil hunger striker Parameswaran Subramanyam after they falsely claimed that he had furtively kept himself going with hamburgers.

In a masterly display of deadpan, the Guardian reports on the £80,000 payout by the papers to Mr Subramanyam:

Although his actions won him the support and admiration of many Tamils, their affection turned to animosity in October 2009 after the Daily Mail ran a story falsely claiming Subramanyam had broken the strike by eating burgers and had been caught doing so by a Metropolitan police surveillance team. The allegations were then repeated in a story published on the Sun's website, headlined "Hunger Striker Was Lovin' it".

It all seems a little mean-spirited. Paper Monitor could not locate any of the usual jibes at Guardianistas in today's Mail - not even in Richard Littlejohn's column. Digs at vegans, vegetarians, council diversity committees, Hi-Viz Britain, NHS "so-called 'professionals'" and wheel clampers, yes, but not specifically at readers of the Berliners (though it might be assumed that at least some of the above could be Polly Toynbee fans).

Nor is there any mention of the Guardian in the Sun - although the red top has, in what will surely go down as one of the great commissioning brainwaves of the year, asked TV's Jeremy Kyle to write a guest column about the demise of the anti-social behaviour order.

Mr Kyle - many of whose guests are no strangers to Asbo legislation - puts forward his views in the forthright manner to which mid-morning viewers have become accustomed:

Too often with Asbos, nasty offenders went unchallenged and unchecked and their victims paid a heavy price.

Perhaps they should have been invited to appear on Mr Kyle's programme, where no guest ever goes unchallenged.

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"Just for the thrill of it" - man explaining his solo sex act on a trampoline

James Burden, 55, from Westquarter, Falkirk, was charged with shameless indecency after bouncing on a trampoline with "a cigarette in one hand and his manhood in the other". He pleaded guilty to a single charge of publicly exposing himself in a shameless and indecent manner, and approaching his neighbour's house and placing the occupant in a state of fear and alarm.

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Re (Evening) Paper Monitor and Howard (Wednesday letters), Our local, the Perthshire Advertiser, recently published a fantastic story about how a fire engine was scrambled to tackle a small kitchen chip pan fire, but the fire had been put out by the time they got there. Thrilling stuff.
Neil, Perth

Do we have a section for things announced this week that we already knew? I nominate UN declares clean water a 'fundamental human right'.
Gareth, Wellington, NZ

Rachel, Minnetonka (Wednesday letters) , I don't know about the mellifluousness of Yarg, but I do know that it's a very popular cheese among pirates.
Andrew, London

Rachel, as doubtless many others will tell you, mellifluous is to honey-tongued as...
Of course, the question is which cheese is best with honey?
Fred, Rotherham

Has anyone else just spent the first part of their work day mouthing the names of cheeses to check out the resulting facial expression? I think Brie is probably best but Yarg would give a more amusing photo.
Sarah , Birmingham

Paul (Wednesday letters) maybe we are told the ages so we know they are 'matured'. I'll get my coat...
Tattooed_mummy, Twitter

The term for a always leads to some funny quotes.
Tom Webb, Surbiton, UK

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A service highlighting the riches of the daily press.

You've got to feel for Paul Yarrow, the man who has sparked a bit of internet buzz by popping up behind TV news journalists during - brace yourselves for some inside the beltway broadcasting technology - "live hits". (Oh yes, even this old print hand has picked up some jargon along the way at the ³ÉÈËÂÛ̳.)

At first it was thought that Mr Yarrow just enjoyed getting his face on the telly. But it turns out there's more to this than a mere case of vain opportunism.

Mr Yarrow's appearances are underpinned by a philosophy. He is trying to counter the so-called "auto-cutie" bias of TV news, claiming that someone of his size and appearance wouldn't otherwise be allowed on TV.

Speaking to the Evening Standard, a local London paper, yesterday, he explained it is "a statement about the image conscious media. I am overweight and people like me are treated as unsightly because of the way they look".

It's an interesting view - although one that many good journalists who have unwittingly provided a foil for Mr Yarrow's antics might take issue with. So maybe the less image conscious medium of print is more sympathetic to his cause.

Or maybe not.

"So just who is the tubby man in the woolly pully?" asks the Daily Mail, before furnishing readers with more details about the "balding, fat man who often wears a wrinkled white sweater".

He pops up in front of "star correspondents, distracting viewers from the Very Important News [er, why the initial caps?] that they are trying to deliver".

In fact the Mail doesn't even make mention of Mr Yarrow's idealistic stance until the 12 paragraph of its story.

Perhaps he would find a more understanding ear on the radio.

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"It beats death, decay or golf in unfortunate trousers" - Simon Schama on working

On a day when the news focus is on people working past retirement age, the 65-year-old historian and broadcaster says he has no plans to get the pipe and slippers out any time soon. The older he gets, he says, the more he wants to do.

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Re (Evening) Paper Monitor, and on the subject of local paper headlines I'm reminded of the late (and much missed) Linda Smith's favourite from the Sheffield Star: Worksop Man Dies of Natural Causes.
Howard, London, UK

Re Jay, Southampton (Tuesday's letters) close to my home there was recently a Barbecue Restaurant "closed due to fire."
greg, Dallas, TX

Re this story, I wonder what they say when taking the prize winning photos...
Tristan, Glasgow

How did this happen? I get on to the ³ÉÈËÂÛ̳ online just before 8AM in the morning here in the US, and see from the Letters posting that they were on at 16:18 UK.Really now, 8AM here translates to 1PM there in the UK, so how could the letters be already up and running? Mystified, I am

Dickie, NY USA

And we are told the ages of two people in this article because ?
Paul, Ipswich

My understanding of female morphology seems to be a little lacking. I thought that there was some kind of genetic and structural basis to the shape and size of most women but, if I understand this article correctly, they are in fact able to radically alter their body shape at will simply by aspiring to look like a particular celebrity. Amazing!
Chris in Paris, Paris, France

Re this story, there is something mellifluous about the name "Yarg" for cheese. I'm assuming here that mellifluous is to the act of cheese-eating, as "onomatopoeia" is to "bang".
Rachel, Minnetonka

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A service highlighting the riches of the daily press.

Among the journalism elder statesmen Paper Monitor has come across in its time was one who, on hearing an idea that might be better suited to the pages of Tatler or Horse and Hound than a local newspaper, would remark: "They talk of little else on the streets of Splott."

Those already familiar with the socio-economic geography of inner-city Cardiff will recognise this for what it was - a facetious comment.

The pithy putdown came back to Paper Monitor today on seeing the cover story of the Guardian's G2 pull-out section:

Did it?

Apparently so, that is if you are in the habit of hanging out with Karl Lagerfeld and friends in the environs of St Tropez (the fashion designer staged a tournament there earlier this year, attended by the likes of Vanessa Paradis).

But it's not just over there, it's over here, in such "un-Provencal locales as Cleaver Square in Kennington, Brockwell Lido in Herne Hill and Larkhall Park in Lambeth".

Both un-Provencal and unquestionably un-provincial.

It's crucial to note at this juncture that "boules" covers a multitude of options, and when we Brits use the "B" word we tend to be referring to what our cousins across La Manche call petanque.

But even equipped with this fact, Paper Monitor struggles to decode this sentence:

"[France's] biggest boules manufacturer, Obut, has just launched a new line in tattooed steel for style conscious teenage petanquistes".

To the untrained ear it almost sounds like a load of old petanques.

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"I was fully expecting it to get dark before I got to Calais but I never imagined I'd also see the dawn again" - Jackie Cobell, who earned the record for the slowest Channel swim

The fastest person to swim the English Channel was a Bulgarian who completed the 21-mile distance in just under seven hours. Ms Cobell's meandering journey took her 65 miles and took 28 hours and 44 minutes.

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I think women should be inspired to be any shape they want to be and feel happy with. After all; egg timer, pole vaulter, cuddly... they are all shapes. Why all the fuss? We don't have "How realistic is it for men to want the Brad Pitt shape?"
Steve Wheat

"I want to be a hexagon..." - Karen, Outnumbered.
Malcolm Rees

Might BlackBerrys pose 'security risk' say UAE authorities explain the rise in popularity of blueberries?
Sue, London

I competed in the 1500 m track in London 1948 (How to stage the Olympics on a shoestring). You say that local athletes stayed at home - I lived four miles from the stadium and stayed at RAF quarters in Uxbridge, to stay at home was voluntary.
You state British athletes had to make or buy their own uniforms; I was supplied with blazer, tie, trousers, beret and tracksuit.
Opening ceremony you omit to mention the magnificent choir conducted by Sir Malcolm Sargeant.
Doug Wilson, Winchester, UK

This headline - Fire at Watercress Line steam railway in Hampshire - made me laugh, fire is generally what you need to make steam.
Jay, Southampton

Thanks Basil. I deliberately left Monday's letters to read at work this morning to cheer me up, and end up getting reminded why today is such a bad day after all. Although personally I was a lot more miserable yesterday. Happy Tuesday everyone!
Louise, Surrey

Rats! Now I shall spend the rest of the day trying to work out if Dick Savage's letter is a brilliant example of post-modern irony or - not...
John Whapshott, Westbury, England

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A survey highlighting the riches of the daily evening's press.

For all sorts of reasons too complicated to get into, Paper Monitor is a bit late out of the blocks today. So instead of indulging in its normal diet of morning paper elevenses, its ravenous mid-afternoon appetite is being sated with a selection of dishes from the evening paper kitchens.

Just as any traveling epicurist knows that the finest cuisines are those with links to a local source, so the litmus test of any good regional paper must focus on its local news coverage.

Thus, (Evening) Paper Monitor presents readers with a selection of stories that you (probably) won't read in tomorrow's national press.

In its former incarnation as Local Paper Monitor (it was a long time ago, in a provincial town far-far away), Paper Monitor recalls having to pepper its copy with puns the like of which would have made Punorama (RIP, sniff) blanche. Even on a good day, whether it could have matched the ingenuity demonstrated by the South Wales Echo is definitely questionable.
Telling the story that a biomass equipment company has come third in forestry machinery category at Royal Welsh Show, the Echo proclaims: .

When you've recovered...

Other stories that won't be appearing in tomorrow's nationals include:

- Southend Evening Echo

- Plymouth Evening Herald

- London Evening Standard

And - Manchester Evening News , which shows it is in fine punning fettle with news that the city's transport chiefs (disregard all images of Apaches commandeering covered wagons) "have agreed to rethink their ban on disabled people taking electric scooters on trams".

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"By the time I was in my mid-90s I found that I was looking at this young lady" - Henry Kerr, 97, who married his 87-year-old bride Valerie Berkowitz

The pair tied the knot in a ceremony at their north London residential home on Sunday, which marked the fruition of four years of hard work by Mr Kerr, trying to convince the object of his affections that he was worthy of hers. When he finally popped the question, he warned that he would not ask her again.

Full details

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As a competitor in the last truly amateur Olympics, 1956 Australia, I appreciate Baron Coubertin's admonition (How to stage the Olympics on a shoestring). I had to provide an affidavit that waived receiving my wages for the duration of the games. I tried my best fully aware that for every winner, there has to be a loser. Unfortunately, the aberration of Adam Smith's capitalism into the US version, absent any moral or ethical code, changed the goal of the games from: faster, higher, stronger to an entertainment and marketing tool.
Optimist, Princeville HI USA

Fascinating reading about how the Olympics was done on a shoestring budget in 1948, because money was so tight then. Aren't we lucky that we live in different times when the government has so much money they don't know what to do with it and will have no trouble at all lavishing every expense on the 2012 Olympics.
Adam, London, UK

I actually quite like Thursdays (America, are you happy?). For me the worst day of the week is Tuesday. With a Monday you are still on a bit of a buzz after the weekend, and catch up with colleagues about your activities over the previous couple of days. Get to Wednesday and you know you're halfway through the week. On a Thursday the weekend is in sight - just one more day. And obviously Friday is winding down. A Tuesday, though, is about as far away from a weekend as one can be.
Basil Long, Nottingham

US bear takes short ride in car and leaves it wrecked - because of course if it had been an English bear the car would have been parked properly
Francesca, Milton Keynes

Nice try Susie (Friday's letters) but even if Monitor confesses to a crush on Zac Efron, it still won't tell us what gender he/she/it is!
Harvey Mayne, Frankfurt, Germany

Thank you, thank you! I scored 2 out of 7 in the weekly quiz (my lowest ever) and was rewarded with "the ignorance of youth". As I'm 57, could we please have more such judgements?
Peter, Swindon, UK

Is it just me, or does the new female presenter of the One show look scarily like Christine Bleakley? I thought the wrong picture had been put on the home page at first!
Lauren Knowles, Grimsby

I particularly liked this week's winning captions (Caption Competition, Friday); a tricky photo brought out some great responses. May I propose a one-off increase in the prizes awarded? Maybe a medium-sized portion of kudos?
George, Barbados

Poor old Cheggers (Letters, Friday)... did he not read Thursday's letters?
Dick Savage, Plzen, Czech Republic

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A service highlighting the riches of the daily press.

If there's one type of story that Fleet Street loves to cover, it's those about the media's negative influence on female body image.

No, really. In the, quite literally, body text you can carry lots of stern quotes about the evils of airbrushing and the malign encroachment of size zero. This gives you plenty of cover to run by way of illustration a picture of a young, glamorous lady, preferably in revealing attire - what most picture editors mean by positive female body image.

Look no further than the Guardian, which follows up a Sunday Times interview in which Lynne Featherstone, the equalities minister, declared that she intended to put pressure on the fashion industry over its promotion of abnormally-thin models.

By paragraph four, the Guardian has noted that Ms Featherstone holds up the actress Christina Hendricks - Joan Holloway in TV's Mad Men - as a "fabulous" demonstration that one need not be pipe cleaner-shaped to be attractive.

The paper of CP Scott, naturally, emphasises this aside by running alongside the single-column article a two-column photograph of Ms Hendricks in a dress which affords readers a prime view of her generous cleavage.

The Daily Telegraph - no doubt conscious that A-level results day is looming, and anxious to stay match fit - runs a picture of Ms Hendricks across five columns, and furnishes readers of this story about objectification with vital statistics about her bra and dress sizes.

Better yet, it carries a sidebar setting Ms Featherstone and Ms Hendricks "Head to head", contrasting their respective ages (58 and 35), occupations and most notable accolades (Most Fanciable Parliamentarian 2010; Esquire magazine's Sexiest Woman Alive).

It's all so sisterly - as is the Daily Mail, whose page three also invites readers to compare and contrast two different women.

"The ³ÉÈËÂÛ̳ may have lost Christine Bleakley to ITV, but they have managed to find a dead-ringer to take her place," showbusiness reporter Simon Cable remarks, his copy squeezed in between full-length photos of Miss Bleakley and her replacement, Alex Jones, in vaguely analogous silvery mini-dresses.

Adds Mr Cable: "With their slim figures, wide smiles and glossy dark hair, the two women look remarkably similar."

As do stories about women in most newspapers, broadsheet and tabloid.

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"As a local person who has just checked, I can confirm my trousers are not held up with string" - Peter Thornton, responding to controversial comments by MP Rory Stewart

Former diplomat he may be, but when Rory Stewart MP was being interviewed by a newspaper the art of diplomacy seemed to desert him. The Old Etonian, who became MP for Penrith and the Border in Cumbria at the last election, said parts of his constituency were "pretty primitive... people holding up their trousers with bits of twine and that sort of thing". Mr Thornton, who stood against Mr Stewart in the May general election, as a Lib Dem, was among those none too pleased about the comments.

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