³ÉÈËÂÛ̳

Snippets from the week's news, sliced, diced and processed for your convenience.

1. David Hasselhoff is a friend of Morecambe Tory MP David Morris.
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2. Where you look affects how much pain you feel.
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3. Elton John has no mobile phone.
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4. Feeding garden birds makes them have a lie-in.More details

5. There is no minimum age at which UK children can be left on their own.
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6. Horses can enjoy pints too.


7. Ravens get stressed when they join juvenile gangs.


8. Catholics are banned from confessing via iPhone.


9. Pessimism could be genetic.


10. Cattle once regularly swam between Hebridean islands.
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Seen 10 things? .

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Those poor cows - they must have been fresian! I'll get my fair isle sweater...
Sue, London

Re: . Hmmm. Magazine letters sometimes go missing on Thursdays. Is there a connection?
Candace, New Jersey, US

How many avid seamstresses clicked on this story and were disappointed?
Carol, Portugal

Three letters by ³ÉÈËÂÛ̳ News Magazine writers Thursday... what's the odds of one for oneself to be amongst Friday's letters?Thought not...
Tim McMahon, Pennar/Wales

Monitor note: Those aren't Magazine writers, more's the pity, but readers who have got in touch with us via the Look, here's another:

4/7 - hurrah! I broke my "not getting over 3/7" on the weekly 7 day quiz!
Lou Rossiter, via

Judging by the picture and caption at the bottom of this article, the photographer's immediate problem isn't going to be shyness.
Rick P Cambridge

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Winning entries in the Caption Competition.

The competition is now closed.

This week it's a clown arriving at a church in east London for the 65th annual Joseph Grimaldi memorial service.

Thanks to all who entered. The prize of a small amount of kudos to the following:

6. Kudosless
Hello, RAC? Yes, ALL of the doors. AND the wheels

5. KipsonÌý
Hello, Godot? Where the hell are you?

4. leroyrampaÌý
No, they wanted someone for the CROWN prosecution service

3. PendragonÌý
Dom Joly falls on hard times

2. MorningGlories
You're rejecting my application because it wasn't written in Comic Sans?

1. ARoseByAnyOther
Just another day in French cinema, I'm afraid

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A service highlighting the riches of the daily press.

Firstly, Paper Monitor is pleasantly noticing today's palindromic date.

It's also hard to avoid the conclusion that this is football tattoo day.

The Daily Mirror has a big shot of Liverpool and Denmark defender Daniel Agger's back. And it is quite a decoration he sports.

It's dominated by a number of bloodthirsty looking Vikings, wearing horned helmets. But as any fule kno (or QI viewer, or GCSE history student), Vikings probably didn't wear horned helmets in battle.

Still, it's a formidable piece of ink, topped with a graveyard full of Viking heroes, including perhaps the most famous Dane to make a big money transfer to England, King Canute.

The slogan is "mors certa, hora incerta", which idiomatically translated means: "Death is certain, so avoid spending too much time in Runcorn".

The paper also features the Beckham back tat, Djibril Cisse's elaborate chest and Stephen Ireland's distinctly dodgy wings.

Over in the Sun, they have. Actually, it's better because they identify all four of the famous Viking graves depicted.

Also in the Sun, there's the revelation that that says Ma Vie Mes Régles can be translated as "my life, my periods".

It's supposed to mean rules but it has a double meaning. And he got the accent on the "e" the wrong way round. Return to your Tricolore, dunderhead.

But the Daily Star has perhaps the most poignant football tattoo of all, illustrating a piece about the lengths football fans go to to see their teams.

They feature a picture of a Jordanne Doody sporting a cursive "West Bromwich Albion FC" on her stomach.

Grinch of the day award goes to the Sun, who use the approach of Valentine's Day to do suspected cheating men.

She's paid by suspicious spouses to go up to their husbands and flirt with them to see if they'll crack.

Hope you have a happy one too.

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Would prisoners use their right to vote? Being excluded from the democratic process is part of the punishment of a prison sentence. If you've proven yourself unable to live by the standards that society sets for you, then you lose the right to set those standards.
Andy Cunningham

Regarding prisoners and voting. The right creates duty and responsibility. If the prisoners are given such a right it may help them to be reformed. Putting them into jail doesn't mean only to punish, but also to provide opportunities to reform themselves. So it would better to grant voting rights to prisoners.
Kamal Raj Paudel

I do admire Wetherspoons' entrepreneurial thrust, but I fear that trying to sell drinks in their toilets is going too far.
John Marsh, Washington, DC, USA

Re: Where can you go to the toilet? Having just enrolled my toddler into preschool in a local church I have discovered that a) the doors to the church are open all day and b) they have unlocked toilets. I had never previously thought of it, but if caught short I would now look out for a church!
Anita Edmunds

Very interesting article about looking at your hand to decrease pain - but it didn't explain why my hand hurt whilst I was reading it.
Kirk, Guernsey, CI

"Thursday has become the most popular night of the week for socialising, the night we are most likely to order a takeaway and buy our weekly food shop..." That's some evening.
Sarah, Basel (formerly Nantwich)

Barry (Wednesday's letters), try . Rather telling!
Joseph, London

If a clock strikes at MM Towers, that is awfully reminiscent of the opening to "1984". Is MM a worker for the Big Brother Corporation (³ÉÈËÂÛ̳)?
Lewis Graham, Hitchin

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A service highlighting the riches of the daily press.

Cover your eyes if you are of a sensitive disposition. G2 in the Guardian is all about today, with page after page and picture after picture of copulating couples. They're everywhere.

There's hedgehogs (braving the prickles), pygmy chimpanzees (looking very intimate), flies (looking very functional), foxes (no eye contact when they get jiggy) and a common adder and its hemipenis (unlike anything Paper Monitor has ever seen before). With the Natural History Museum's Sexual Nature exhibition opening tomorrow, the paper is taking a a look at how the birds and bees literally do have sex.

It's full of fascinating facts. Guy the silver-back Gorilla, who was a favourite at London Zoo until he died 30 years ago and boasted a 185cm - 73inch - chest), only had a penis that measured 3cm (1 inch), while barnacles have a penis 30 times their body length. Can you imagine? Adult male spiders don't have a penis at all, instead they produce a sperm web. You may have already guessed, but the exhibition is aimed at over 16s.

What the Daily Mail finds equally fascinating is Jude Law and Sienna Miller splitting up - again. It has all the insider information, from those "close friends" again.

To save you the trouble of reading the full-page feature, here it is in a nutshell. He doesn't like her dogs Porgy and Bess and thinks she is too messy. She thinks he's a bit boring, is too tidy, gets on too well with his ex-wife Sadie Frost and goes on about Ms Frost's detox diet too much.

And finally, Thursday is the new black. Oops, sorry, it's the new Saturday, according to the Daily Mirror. Confused? It's simple really. Thursday has become the most popular night of the week for socialising, the night we are most likely to order a takeaway and buy our weekly food shop, according to a new national survey of spending habits. Unsurprisingly, it has also become the most expensive day of the week.

Paper Monitor prefers to think it's the fellow Magazine Monitor regular, Caption Competition, that has sent Thursday's stock rising. How much more exciting can you get?

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I'm not going to give you the satisfaction of another reader for the "Birth of Beatlemania" article but can only assume that, after a few months off to recover from a decade of "40 years since..." Beatles articles, you're starting again with "50 years since..." Seriously, get over it. It's more repetitive than E4 and Friends.
Kate, York

Well I for one am not surprised that Christina Aguilera fluffed the national anthem. Based on the photographic evidence she appears to have been in a considerable amount of pain throughout the performance.
Rusty, Montreal, Canada

"The Humber Gateway wind farm will generate enough electricity to power 150,000 homes a year." So that's 411 per day then?
Nigel Lines, Telford UK

No Dan (Tuesday's letters), the stealth bomber is hidden behind that plane.
Steve, Edinburgh

I think drunk girl (Tuesday's letters) could well be a photographer's friend posing. Imagine that - drunk girl might be sober.
Phil, Guisborough

Regarding the : "On weekday evenings at around 13 o'clock," When is this time? Does this prove that MM works in a different timezone to the rest of us where the clock strikes 13 and is apparently in the evening. It all adds to the speculation and allure of finding out who s/he is.
Robert, Glos, UK

Re: MM gender identity. The first line of the entry talks about "a willy and irrelevant take on the days news". I think that's enough of a clue for us isn't it girls?
Vicky, East London

I want to know the percentage increase in hits on the Magazine Monitor's : page. There you go, another opportunity for a gratuitous link to it!
Barry, Melbourne

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A service highlighting the riches of the daily press.

It is a familiar piercing glare that adorns every news-stand in the country.

The unmistakable countenance of Margaret Thatcher in her prime ministerial heyday stares out from the front pages of the Daily Mail, the Guardian, the Daily Telegraph, the Times, and the Daily Express.

But a second glance reveals that the image is not of the Iron Lady at all but, in fact, the actress Meryl Streep, who is portraying the former premier in a forthcoming film.

Matthew Parris of the Times, who once worked with Mrs Thatcher, will be "brilliant" at playing his former employer.

But, unusually for the acquaintance of someone about to be boiled down to a Hollywood template, he worries that Streep's depiction will be too subtle:

Baroness Thatcher has helped the world-wide brand by playing to the caricature, as she grew older emphasising the overbearing qualities for which she was famous. She grew into the comic-strip version: the best evidence I know for a belief that she does have a sense of humour.

Of course, not all sections of Fleet Street are so enthusiastic about the prospect of Thatcher: The Movie (or The Iron Lady, as it actually will be titled).

The Daily Mirror, that most tribally Labour of titles, is horrified.

"That steely gaze is enough to chill the heart of any working man," writer Mark Jeffries no doubt composing his copy in his overalls as he sups on a half-pint of mild after yet another day's noble toil at Easington Colliery.

The Guardian is more measured in its wariness,

But he warns that, with such a deeply divisive subject, producers will need to balance the perspective of Mrs Thatcher's supporters with those who raged against her time in office:

"It will be a shame if The Iron Lady overlooks that deep anger in favour of exclusive focus on Thatcher as a woman triumphing against the odds."

The Daily Mail is concerned about the film, too, but for different reasons.

"a left-wing hatchet job or capture the spirit of a woman who transformed Britain?"

It appears that the left and right sides of Fleet Street alike will scrutinise the production closely. Perhaps Ms Streep will decide that the best way to deal with this is to not, like her subject, be for turning.

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Re: Should a teenager be left to babysit a toddler? ‎*shakes head* What is the world coming to when a parent is cautioned for making a judgement about her own children? Did she beat them? Burn them? Buy them alcohol or drugs? Abuse them in any way? No, she popped out for 30 minutes. Its not like she went on a night out is it!
Sharon Barrett

I've been left in charge of a toddler and I'm 14. She didn't spontaneously combust so I'm guessing it's fine.Alex Whatserface

What's the Welsh phrase for nominative determinism?
Simon Robinson, Birmingham, UK

This rumour is frankly just... silly.
Rusty, Montreal, Canada

So, Random Sat, 68 per cent of people say that apple crumble is their favourite dessert. I think this is excellent news as it means more lemon meringue pie left over for me.
Ian, Redditch

The X-47B stealth bomber doesn't look very stealthy to me, I can easily see it in the photo!
Dan, Newquay, Cornwall

Jennie (Monday's letters), re: gender of MM, surely the Wikipedia entry only states a name, not a gender, and even that states 'citation needed'. I'll get my pendant's coat.
TM, Sussex, UK

Jennie(Monday's letters), don't wory, PM has no wikipage as no verifiable information has ever been discovered about PM! In fact, is PM the new Stig?
Bas, London

Hmmm, just read and have to wonder if someone at the ³ÉÈËÂÛ̳ wrote the article, tongue in cheek? It seems a bit too knowing: imperceptible witticisms? letters published everyday except some Thursdays? the identity of Stig (letter writer, not Top Gear)? If nothing else it's obviously an old fan. Question: Is the editor of the magazine necessarily either MM or PM?
Kay, London, UK

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A service highlighting the riches of the daily press.

Everyone even vaguely connected with the business of news is obsessed with how to scratch a living in the online era - Lord knows how many sleepless nights Paper Monitor has stared at the ceiling, wondering where the next subscription to Press Gazette is coming from.

So it comes as little surprise that the papers are enthralled, if not universally magnanimous, to learn that publisher Arianna Huffington has sold her Huffington Post site to AOL for $315m (£195m).

The Guardian, the paper surely most closely attuned to Ms Huffington's politics, about this "Greek-born Cambridge graduate, author, broadcaster, politician's wife, Republican turned Democrat, would-be governor of California and now internet mogul".

The Daily Telegraph, by contrast, is torn between admiration for her business acumen and Old World-sniffiness about her go-getting pushiness.

"What Arianna Huffington has always craved is not so much power as influence,"

"It seems that her life's journey has been to get to the centre of the action, wherever that action may be, in the process accumulating as many useful allies as possible. An indefatigable networker and name-dropper, she is on first-name terms with a who's who of American life, from entertainment, politics and business."

Oh that Paper Monitor were so indefatigable; how much could this very blog be worth?

Not that all pundits are so enamoured by the brave new world of new media. In the Daily Mail, Jan Moir is exercised by celebrities tweeting their condolences to actress Amanda Holden and her partner, who have lost their unborn child.

James Corden, Davina McCall, Emma Bunton, Myleene Klass, and Lord Sugar ("interrupting his usual rising gorge of illiterate Twitter boasts about his private jet and the ­electronics on his new car"):

Clearly, it is no bad thing to ­display public empathy for a tragic ­situation, whether it is one you are personally involved with or otherwise. Yet isn't there also something unsettling, ­distasteful and offensive about this new eruption of celebrity-to-celebrity condolences, played out in the Twittersphere hall of mirrors to an audience of millions?

At best, it appears narcissistic. At worst, it is, surely, just plain, old-fashioned showing off. Not to mention self-seeking puffery of the very worst sort.

Ms Moir, of course, was subject to a campaign by Twitterers

It will take some hacks longer than others to get excited about the glowing potential of the internet, it seems.

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"Satellites are being used to study the Sun's great explosive events that can disrupt power grids and satellites." Okay... well I can't see any immediate problems there.
Christian Cook, Epsom, UK

"The ³ÉÈËÂÛ̳ said it was sorry if it had offended some people, but said jokes based on national stereotyping were part of British national humour." Australian humour too. Relentlessly. I am just wondering if, as I have been here for 19 years and 9 months, I can make slightly derogatory remarks about the weather now (after worst floods on record and worst storm ever to make landfall), without being instantly labelled a whinging pom.
Susan.Thomas, Brisbane, Australia

So sales are falling. I think there might be a big market in Malawi?
Diane, Sutton

Re:Parrots are left and right-handed. I think it's more of a shock to find out parrots have hands, to be honest.
Adam Molloy, Tewkesbury

is getting around now, here taking a quick nap at the Guardian.
Flavia, Milan, Italy

After the revelation that Magazine has an entry on (Friday's letters) we can see at the bottom of said article the editor of Magazine is in fact male. Does this end the long running speculation over PM's gender (as mentioned in aforementioned article?)
Jennie Fisher, Leeds UK

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A service highlighting the riches of the daily press.

Footballer has first name that is also a song by a cult Swedish pop band of yesteryear.

Cue an abba-lanche of puns in Monday's papers.

THE STORY: Fernando Torres plays his first match for Chelsea after his £50m switch from Liverpool. It's against Liverpool and he fails to score in a 0-1 defeat.

THE PUNS:

"FERNAN-DOH!" (Mail)

"GOOD FER NOTHING" (Sun)

"HELL NINO" (Mirror)

"FERNAND'OH" (Mirror)

"£50M SUB STORY" (Daily Star)

What? Not an Abba reference in sight.

At least Sky Sports ventured where the papers feared to tread, by using Abba's Fernando as the soundtrack to an evaluation of the match.

And ³ÉÈËÂÛ̳ Radio 5live's Abba-esque suggested headline was: "Can you hear the glums, Fernando?"

Could you do any better?

In the spirit of a certain pun-fest that used to reside in these pages, come up with your punning headlines for some of today's news stories, using the comments form below.

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