³ÉÈËÂÛ̳

Though the comments in this article about questionnaires are broadly opposed, I notice that this article, broadly in favour of surveys, is currently higher in the "Most Read" rankings. Perhaps the relative attractiveness of the thumbnail picture of the girl in the bra and that of Mr Pickles can tell us something about how to make lists of questions appealing to the public?
Zachary Lokisson, Cambridge, UK

Nothing quite says "slow news day" like the front page of the last week.
Howard, Folkestone

Wow, we could have the 'torium of our choice! Golfatorium, Soccatorium, Shoppingmallatorium? Or, for those who have no life outside work, a memorial filing cabinet with ashes filed by name?
Diane, Sutton

Is "White House upbeat on US economy" based on "US 'to sue banks over mortgages'"?
Howard, Nottingham

Andrew (Thursday's Letters) for most people that would mean things like family photos and child's drawings everywhere - it stops the potential buyer from being able to see the property as their next home since it's still blatantly the sellers. But it would also count for things like stuffed dead animals, shrines to dead famous people or 6 feet african fertility statues. That sort of thing. Anything that might make a visitor uncomfortable. I'll get my albino mink coat.
Shiz, Cheshire, UK

I'm sure I won't be the only one to point this out, but surely if there is no trams u-turn they will all just end up at the one end of the city?
GDW, Edinburgh

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Snippets from the week's news, sliced, diced and processed for your convenience.

1. Harrogate is the only postcode in Britain without a Tesco store.

2. Coral could be the key to stopping sunburn.

3. We nearly always pick items from the middle shelf in supermarkets.

4. A German city has started taxing prostitutes by installing a ticket machine.

5. An officially hot day in the UK - as classified by the Met Office - is when temperatures reach 30C.

6. Domino's pizza chain is planning to open a restaurant on the moon.

7. In 1941 the government in the UK wanted to know how many bras women owned.
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8. The first fluorescent clothing was made from the inventor's wife's wedding dress.
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9. The world's atmosphere is worth £4.3 quadrillion, going by the air we breathe in and the price of CO2

10. Britain has 800 major self-storage units, the same as the rest of Europe put together.
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Seen 10 things? .

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A look at the stories ranking highly on various news sites.

! proclaims the most popular story on the Abu Dhabi-based The National. The American dude culture phrase is then attached to a story about Libya. Confused? Let us explain.

Bradley Hope at the newspaper has found a UCLA student who decided to join the rebels. And Hope portrays the maths student Chris Jeon as someone who sees the whole trip as a bit of a laugh.

Not speaking Arabic, Hope says Jeon has no obvious political leanings, evident in his reasoning to go.

"It is the end of my summer vacation, so I thought it would be cool to join the rebels" Jeon says. Jeon outdoes himself in his explanation for why he bought a single air ticket. "If I get captured or something, I don't want to waste another $800".

There's nothing like a rewriting of Nazi history to get readers clicking on a story. And right there at the top of the Telegraph's most-read list is the headline .

It's based on a book with the title The Politically Incorrect Guide to Latin America. It's trying to question the hero status of historical figures. But despite the arresting headline the article reveals later that there are only suspicions that among the Argentine president's wife's possessions were "treasures" from rich Jewish families killed in concentration camps. These would have come into her contact when her husband, Juan Peron, helped Nazis escape to Argentina after World War II.

The magazine More Intelligent Life has embarked on a series of what it thinks are big questions, the first being

Globalisation editor at the Economist John Parker has a bash at coming up with an answer. In his opinion, London beats New York because it has more power and influence. Although it seems like a pointless question, he points out that it was one that had to be answered by the people who decided where the headquarters of the United Nations would be in New York in 1946. The article gives an idea about how much more complicated it could have been to make the decision now - Parker's decision is not final for the magazine. Four other Economist writers are yet to argue for different cities and, of course, there is an online poll.

In animal behaviour, mourning is one of the characteristics to look out for to judge how advanced a species is. That's why a popular New Scientist article asks .

Of course, scientists can't ask the animals why they are acting the way they are so the article is keen to point out it would be speculative to conclude that signs akin to grief, also seen in gorillas, chimps and elephants, are definitely mourning.

This is all giving the impression that readers are being drawn towards articles which aren't particularly helpful. But that's not the whole story. Because those conscientious readers of the Atlantic are clicking on . Dental hygienist makes a surprising entrance on the list. The article suggests that, as older people increasingly attempt to hold on to their own teeth, demand for hygienists' skills will increase.

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Winning entries in the Caption Competition.

The competition is now closed.

This week it was vsitors looking at an octopus made out of pumpkins at a pumkin exhibition in Germany.

Thanks to all who entered. The prize of a small amount of kudos to the following:

6. Clint75
The vegetarian's dilemma.

5. TubaMiriam
This was a hard act to follow for the Potato Exhibition.

4. Kudosless
On the last day of the transfer window, Arsene Wenger signs a new defender based on his "ten tackles" reputation alone

3. Mike Newcastle
I wouldn't have ordered a main if I'd seen the size of the starter.

2. Rogueslr
I've got to hand it to you Muammar, that's a damned fine disguise.

1. Bradmer
Without their CGI budget, Pirates of the Caribbean 5 was in danger of flopping.

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A service highlighting the riches of the daily press.

After months of being spoilt for choice when it comes front page stories, the papers are at a bit of a loss. The First Law of Newspaper Splash Dynamics is in evidence again today, with all of the papers once more leading on something different. Yes, you know what it usually means - a general absence of news.

Only the Times trundles on with Libya, reporting on rebel claims of elections within eight months. Most of the rest have run with various humdrum reports or quotes relating to government or parliament that early September is used to.

The Desmond-owned Star is still splashing on Celebrity Big Brother, possibly keeping the show ratings (semi) respectable through staff viewing figures alone.

Away from the leads though, the Independent deserves praise for amusing innovation from Paper Monitor today, with a "Spot the Difference" contest. It features two pictures of Sarkozy meeting Libya's leaders, but four years apart. Anyone trying to work out if the French PM has grown between photos is looking too hard.

Another delightful piece on their front page reveals that Labour is searching for "commuting Chloe" and "Suburban Simon" to clinch election victory. Time will tell if Ed Miliband will be left ecstatic or embarrassed by this plan to woo voters between London and the M25.

On the whole though, pictures of the Venice Film festival, musings on graduate failings and celebrating a few impressive results for British athletes make for a return to standard September fare.

Paper Monitor suspects that Wapping will explode into action again when Gaddafi is found and/or killed, but will remain on snooze mode until that point.

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So the first fluorescent clothing was made from the inventor's wife's wedding dress? Did he also compose "Here Comes The Bride"?
Ruaraidh, Wirral, UK

One of the the tips on selling your property is: "Remove any objects that a potential buyer may not be able to identify with." Eh? Like what?
Andrew Guest, London

Was the word "erected" absolutely necessary in the last sentence of this item? Maybe they should also consider .
Matthew, Tokyo, Japan

So are Naomi Campbell and Christian Bale. Given the very public displays of childish, stroppy behaviour exhibited by each of them in the past, I would love to be a fly on the wall if they ever actually did get together!
Paul, Marlow, UK

Re: John Thompson (Wednesday's letters). I am vegetarian - it's only animals and fish I don't eat. A decomposed human being - no problem.
Mandy, Noordwijk, Netherlands

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A look at the stories ranking highly on various news sites.

Hannah Montana, Hello Kitty, Dora the Explorer. Not exactly characters you would associate with grown sportsmen. But, as the New York Times' most viewed article explains, the on the players' backpacks. It's part of a "hazing ritual" designed to humiliate team members. The paper finds one player who's been particularly badly hit:

"For much of this season, Michael Stutes of the Philadelphia Phillies was forced to wear a Hello Kitty backpack and a pink feather boa purchased by Brad Lidge, a 10-year veteran, during a road trip to San Francisco."

The Guardian's most popular story says it has found, quite possibly, the . The Torre Confinanzas in Venezuela was originally intended as an office block during the country's oil boom. But the 45 storey block laid empty until four years ago when 300 people forced their way in. Now 2,500 squatters live there. Leo Alvarez, a lawyer who has documented it says "It's a city within a city, with corner shops on every other floor, cybercafes and apartments that double as hair salons."

Meanwhile Sun readers prefer to catch up on the who recently called off her wedding. The paper claims her "jilted groom", catering boss Vince Morse, is regretting sending a picture of the actress in her underwear to another woman. It quotes him as saying "It was probably the most stupid thing I've ever done. I'm an idiot."

From the Sun's pet subject of soapstars' love lives to the Daily Mail's pet subject: immigration. Their most read story claims to have : more apply. In their investigation the paper advertised fake low skilled jobs across the country and tallied up the nationalities of applicants. Some of the jobs had more foreign-born applicants, but it wasn't unanimous. It's enough proof for the Daily Mail:

"There's no doubt about it, the responses to our fictitious job vacancies make two things abundantly clear: first, the sheer numbers of foreign-born workers who are actively competing against Britons in the market place; and second, the incredible pull of the British labour market".

A popular science article in the Independent takes a over the years. It's following news that the tobacco giant Philip Morris International has attempted to get Stirling University to reveal information on their research examining why teenagers start smoking. The article has dug out an interesting line of argument from a 1976 memo from the company:

"Anything can be considered harmful. Apple sauce is harmful if you get too much of it."

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A service highlighting the riches of the daily press.

There is no sign more clearly indicating a general absence of news than every single paper running with a different main story on its front page.

Thus runs Paper Monitor's First Law of Newspaper Splash Dynamics.

We're nearly but not quite there today. Guardian: Gurkhas and RAF suffering in defence cuts. Indy: Big Tobacco trying to get hold of a university's data on young smokers. Daily Mail: Anarchists stopping traveller eviction. Daily Express: Lower interest rates. Daily Mirror: Vaguely famous woman still loves "love rat" ex-fiance. Daily Star: Jedward trash BB house.

Only the Times and Daily Telegraph spoil a clean sweep by agreeing that trouble over new planning laws is the biggest deal in town.

Conclusion: At least in newspaper editors' eyes, not much is going on in the world today.

It's perhaps fortunate that today is a wrong-way-round day in newspapers. Yesterday was the end of the football transfer window and therefore today is one that must leave newsagents tempted to turn the newspapers over on their displays.

They never do though.

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I read this article with much interest. A recent check was done at our village cemetery to find that there's space for 50-55 more years. Form an orderly queue, please.
Ross, Billinghay, Lincs.

Re: 20 of your ideas on how to solve graveyard space shortage. No 5. Wouldn't this give a problem to vegetarians?
John Thompson, Kirkby Lonsdale

Re: fluorescent jackets. When an entire school party of several dozen children appeared to watch The Lion King at the Lyceum Theatre all wearing fluorescent jackets, that's when I thought the wearing of them was going a bit too far.
Michael Hall, Croydon, UK

There are so many hi-viz jackets in Australia that you no longer notice them.
Faustino, Brisbane, Australia

Hey, Paper Monitor - not fair! Grafty Green is the next village along from where I grew up in the middle of lovely Kent (no, we're not calling it The Thames Gateway today). And where did *you* grow up?
Fee Lock, Hastings, East Sussex

So, "there are much better places to start than at the bottom of a box of chocolates.". Yes, at the top perhaps ?
Paul Greggor, London

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A look at the stories ranking highly on various news sites.

Forget oils, pastels or any other such traditional artist materials. In Paris, home of legendary art institutions like the Louvre, Musee d'Orsay and Centre Pompidou, summer 2011 has seen.

A gallery of some of the pictures, familiar images re-created by Parisian office employees around the city using the small sticky paper squares, tops the Guardian's most read list.

"Young executives from competing firms meet at lunchtime to compare their creations and plan ripostes. 'Each time we have to come up with something bigger, wackier, more adventurous,' Julien Berissi, 28, a project manager at Société Générale, told TF1 news."

As temperatures cool, and autumn looks to have set in already, Independent readers may already be reminiscing about summer judging by their interest in .

There are now only 5,000 in the in the UK, down from 20,000 five years ago. According to the article, the reasons for this include emission regulation, petrol and food prices. Some councils have even banned them from areas, citing childhood obesity and noise pollution.

In case anyone needs reminding of how to recognise one of these lesser-spotted vessels, the most common chime is Greensleeves, but not everywhere.

"The Disney classic 'Whistle While You Work', written for Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs, is reportedly popular in Crewe and Nantwich, while the strains of the popular song 'You Are My Sunshine', first recorded in 1939, can be heard in parts of Cheshire."

The story of the secretary in the Nazi regime who didn't get on with her boss Joseph Goebbels is drawing Daily Beast readers. Historian Andrew Roberts describes how unusual it is to hear of staff in Hitler's government criticising their superiors.

But in contrast with Brunhilde Pomsel, who recently described Goebbels as "cold and distant" and "a monster", he recalls Traudl Junge who took down the dictation for the Fuhrer's final will and testament in the Berlin bunker. Ms Junge once said:

"I admit, I was fascinated by Adolf Hitler. He was a pleasant boss and a fatherly friend. I deliberately ignored all the warning voices inside me and enjoyed the time by his side almost until the bitter end. It wasn't what he said, but the way he said things and how he did things."

Elsewhere, an article entitled is proving popular with Wired readers. It examines the "diminishing returns" of wealth, using the example of commuting to indicate how when people buy large houses outside of the city where they work they often don't take into account how much the longer daily journey could affect them. An uncomfortable read for that uncomfortable ride home?

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A service highlighting the riches of the daily press.

Today we venture into the world of opinion.

As the venerable Guardian bod CP Scott once said: "Comment is free, so let's get as much of it in the paper as possible." OK, we may be creatively paraphrasing in this instance, but still, there's a lot of it about these days.

Any microsurvey of the world of newspaper opinion pages has to start with the Independent that has dedicated a whole pull-out section to it - the Viewspaper.

But Paper Monitor must note the Indy is kind of cheating by starting the Viewspaper with an ordinary feature. Today is a pretty straight offering, but one headline jumps out.

that Andy Coulson is much missed at Downing Street.

Controversial, as they say.

In the Daily Telegraph, there's a about Scotland having been indulged within the union.

Over in the Daily Star their leader deals with the same subject, but in more, well, Starry language: "The bonkers handouts scandal can't be swept under the carpet any longer."

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A service highlighting the riches of the daily press.

Someone wise once told Paper Monitor that it's rather hard to write amusingly in newspapers.

One of the minor guilty secrets of Fleet Street is that all manner of whimsical columnists are recruited to write amusingly, but there's often no evidence of actual amusement occurring.

In fact, Paper Monitor often notices, the real humour in newspapers is inadvertent.

Exhibit A is a phrase from today's Daily Mail story on , with the image of him "repeatedly hurling himself into an ornamental water feature". It's hard to explain why it's amusing. It just is.

Another bit of inadvertent smirkery is found in the following nib (news-in-brief) in the Sun. A 43-year-old farmer "is to run his home on energy from rotten apples in Grafty Green, Kent". Er, Grafty Green?

And there's more. The Daily Star's piece on the £86m Euromillions jackpot carries the subheading: "Winner is worth two Kylies". A delightful new SI unit of wealth.

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" loses her world heptathlon title to Russia's Tatyana Chernova after failing to make up a 133-point deficit on the final event - the 800m". Lose, fail, deficit - why can't the ³ÉÈËÂÛ̳ congratulate Jess Ennis on her world silver medal and a performance which included personal bests in the shot, long jump and 800 metres?

Alison, London UK

Tuesday: "Complaints of mosquito bites are on the rise in the UK." Thursday: "Net migration [to the UK] rose by 21% last year". Today: "Mosquitoes are disappearing in some parts of Africa, but scientists are unsure as to why." Can you put two and two together?
Colin Edwards, Exeter, UK

This is nothing - I am well renowned for being able to fall asleep, upright, on the dancefloor, holding my pint, and swaying in time to the music. Which, even when animated, is as close as I get to dancing.
Basil Long, Nottingham

How many (fill in nationality of choice) are needed to take a simple photograph? (Monday's Letters) Well, it makes a welcome change from those eternal lightbulbs. Though if the photograph is taken in the dark, maybe one person is needed to act as a flasher.
Raymond Hopins, Kronoby, Finland

Caroline (Monday letters), Muskrat is eaten during Lent to this day in the "downriver" communities of Detroit as the early colonists got a special dispensation with explorer/missionary Father Gabriel Richard officially designating muskrat as a fish because it is a swimming animal.
Heather Simmons, Macomb, Michigan, USA

Caroline: Apparently, Henry VIII decreed that anything that lived in or on the water (geese, swans, beavers, otters etc) were all "fish" as he wanted to be able to eat meat on a Friday. Guess there's no point in being king unless you can re-classify a few animals...
Libby, Coleford, Somerset

Why is caption number five in the caption competition allowed when it's wrong? There were some great alternatives. Picking one that shows the author has no knowledge of musical instruments puts your judges in a bad light. (In case you don't know, it's not a cello).
Hugh, Southampton

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A service highlighting the riches of the daily press.

New Yorkers had been told to expect scenes only found in water-borne disaster films. The city had effectively been shut down by the authorities who warned that Hurricane Irene would bring chaos to its streets. But luckily it weakened into a tropical storm and most areas in the city experienced no more than high winds and light flooding.

This throws up an issue for the papers who were expecting to have near-apocalyptic pictures of the Big Apple to run this morning. But they have accepted defeat gracefully and used pictures of people doing rain dances and creating an impromptu water slide instead.

But Paper Monitor's favourite is on the front page of the Daily Telegraph. Under the headline, "Hurricane? What hurricane?", there's a picture of bare-chested Canadian firemen playing a game of improvised ice hockey in Times Square.

However, the fact New York escaped the devastation which affected other parts of the US East Coast has not deterred the Daily Mirror. Its front page has the city "battered" by the storm.

No Monday is now complete without the usual round of X Factor stories, where the papers reveal the secrets of the contestants who wowed the judges on Saturday night.

The Daily Mirror has unveiled the self-confessed "shy and ugly" Johnny Robinson as a professional drag queen, while the Sun's front page exclusive is that R&B singer (and former jailbird) Derry Mensah save his friend's life after he was shot in a gangland shooting.

The Daily Mail has gone straight for the X Factor jugular by asking "Cheryl and Simon who?" It says a record number of viewers tuned into Saturday's show - 11.4 million to be exact - despite the disappearance of the nation's sweetheart Cheryl Cole and TV's Mr Nasty from our screens.

However, the Sun has a more pressing question - Where's Wally?

In this case, he is somewhere on a super fan's back. Yes, 22-year-old John Mosley has had a giant tattoo inked on to his back. It features 150 characters among the landmarks of his home city of Norwich and hiding somewhere in there is his cartoon hero Wally. It took 24 hours and it was also for charity, Paper Monitor hastens to add.

SPOILER ALERT, SPOILER ALERT - the stripy-shirted Wally is next to some bathing beauties in bikinis. And very happy he looks too.

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UK's atomic clock "is world's most accurate" - how can they tell? Time is an illusion - lunchtime doubly so.
Andrew, Malvern

Amy (Thursday's letters) - on my way to work last week I passed a house that has a christmas tree in the window. I can't decide if they are getting a head start on the festive season, or if they were simply too lazy to take it down in January.
Claire, London

How on earth does it take two people to take a simple photograph?
Mark Scales, Lincoln

"Professor David Nutt, head of the department of neuropsychopharmacology and molecular imaging at Imperial College". Come, Dr Nutt, you are making these up now, aren't you?
Laura, Maldives

tsk, superheroes these days... too fame-hungry to keep their secret identity safe.
Sarah, Basel, Switzerland

Susan, Newcastle, (Thursday's letters) I imagine this is likely to be true as Monks who were not permitted to eat meat would eat beavers believing that they were fish.
Caroline, Bristol

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