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But I always audition my elves during a weekend at Brighton

Now my husband's pulled out of Iraq, everyone's got what they want for Christmas

So you've met Dolly Parton, Santa?

No, trust me Barack. It’s a good career move. This one change we can believe in

The South Pole? No, Ma'am, I live at Macy's.

No, trust me Barack. It’s a good career move. This is one change we can believe in

Santa goes on Michelle's chat show to introduce his new Diet Regime DVD

"Here's a factoid for your husband.Mitt asked me for a copy of 'How the Gingrich stole Christmas' ".

You mean this is not the Oprah Winfrey Show?

Don't you find that using so much shaving foam is wasteful

Er, I don't think I'll sit in your lap until you've been CRB-tested

Don't worry - I'm not the real Michelle Obama either

I once caught a fish...

I wear the rubber gloves because I work part time on the airport security and the confiscated goods do for presents

"Hey, Saint Nick, aren't you supposed to be in the House of Commons today?"

...so Darth Vader says "Luke, I felt your presents!"

"Ten days to go and all I hear back at the workshop are chants about being part of the 99% and sour looks when I stop in on the little blighters".

I was on the wards earlier and the nurse says "You cant come in here - ICU" and I says "I see you too". Priceless!

How do I get billions of presents delivered in one nigh, Michelle? I'm really a woman, that's how.

"And your husband's giving you a push-up bra - Chest We Can."

David tries to hide his embarrassment at having to wear one of Victoria's designs to the White House Christmas party.

"Are you sure you've been a good girl? Even at that G8 summit with Berlusconi...?"

Now Michelle, where's that misseltoe?

What I want for christmas is a dress designer that can flatter my figure, Me Too!

You're the First Lady and all your budget can run to is a dress from Primark?

So next year under affirmative action, we are going to have a one-legged, lesbian dwarf, single parent as Santa.

Well for the rest of the year I just sit like this helping my wife with her knitting

Waiting times under Obama's Patient Care and Affordable Care Act. Tell me about it!

Me, I get asked does 'My bum look big in this?' all the time.

You've got to be careful even in Washington, Santa - I just looked out of the window and somebody's stolen all the wheels off your auto

Don't mess with me, Lady, I'm a black-belt Santa.

We tried to recruit a one legged , lesbian dwarf, single parent for this Christmas but we had over 10,000 applications but had to turn them down because we didn't have a suit that would fit.

What do I want for Christmas? Well, I wouldn't mind something to make our car a little higher in case we ever visit Dublin again.

Now isn't that typical! The Doc says I've got to keep my hands up like this for three hours, and they give the pretty lady the chair with arms.

*parp... "wasn't me!"

And then it turned out Will Ferrell wasn't really an elf after all!

Katie Price to Michelle - Yeah I always try to go with the current trends in my changes....

Look Santa, I'm all about healthy eating, but cookies do rock.

Actually I could beat you in arm wrestling, Santa.

"Hey, look...tell him to send it to Santa at the North Pole and that Appropriation Bill is as good as passed"

Commander in Chief of the Christmas decorations for sure.

'Yeah, I DID see that new Chinese carrier...although a fetlock or two got in the way of the pictures'

The VP asked me to ask you for a Daisy Red Ryder...

"C'mon, Santa's ALWAYS been a Democrat"

Barack Obama seen here denying allegation from right-wing Christians that he is Satan.

So it was a choice of either me to address the kids or Ricky Gervais ...?

How did I do it? Mrs Claus and I have taken up running with the elves.

"Yeah, we could take on some of the unemployed...but they need really good transport links to get to the North Pole"

Santa: Can you teach ME how to Dougie?

Of course I left the sprouts on...

I can only afford ten days of Christmas this year

Sorry, I don't have a box small enough for a Higgs boson.

Not to be outdone by City's Xmas fancy dress party, everyone loved what Sir Alex wore at United's do, it even made Wayne's Santa outfit look a bit tame.

After this, I'll be on the corner ringing my bell so please feel free to pop by.

There, see Miss, I haven't been at the chocolates

OK, Doll, wanna be my North Pole dancer?

"Yeah, we can trade some toxic debt for Xboxes if you like..."

Yes, Santa would like more children at a healthy weight too.

Grateful citizens arrive to congratulate the president personally for his success in elf care reform.

Only by looking very closely can you see that one of the tree decorations looks exactly like Michelle Obama on a chair.

Finland's Ambassador to the US was determined to lay claim to the WHOLE of the Arctic somehow

And when you're ready, Santa, I can teach you how to clear your throat properly.

December 26: Santa declares "mission accomplished".

Gluten free peanut butter cookies?! Do tell...

Where's Bo?! You promised...

"I work in Arctic conditions all year long and these are the gloves they give me."

Well, one of my elves is missing his boots. Just sayin'...

The cost of oil might be going up, but, there again, transport always is deer

Of course the beard is real.

Psst, Michelle, it's me Joe Biden. I'm trying to drum up support for that crucial vote.

And what's wrong with playing 'Grandma got run over by a reindeer'?

"Them's the rules, Sister. You don't sit on my lap - you don't get the presents..."

Oh no, the girls knew about you ages ago. It's Barack I'm worried about.

Lady, what part of "naughty list" don't you understand?"

"No really, I'm serious. Newt Gingrich asked for all the Harry Potter books"

I'm afraid the 'nice disguise' joke has passed its sell by date...

"Michelle,could you remind security at your place about me coming down chimneys and all that.Last year,what with the tasering and five hours in FBI detention, I almost didn't complete my rounds".

"OK, Santa, one more time, you look into the camera and say: 'I was flying over Alaska when two rifle shots rang out, then Dasher and Dancer fell to the ground..."

"No, I said I wanted the Michelle Obama CENTRE to open its arms to the world."

Only the electorate can grant that wish, my dear, can I interest you in an orange instead?

Michelle saw right through Bill Clinton's disguise and, no, she wasn't going to sit on his lap

One more remark about my belly laugh and it's a lump of coal for you, my dear.

Republican presidential candidate explains how their Mince Pie Party, formally the Tea Party, will win the 2012 election.

"George W? Is that you?! They told me you wanted to get back in the White House, but down the chimney is far out!"

"And Laura Bush has asked me for a Segway and a jar of pretzels THIS big."

But Simon Cowell told me this was where a man should wear his belt...

Gee Santa – I didn’t know you could juggle baubles!

"The lead reindeer? Well that just ended up in the usual gridlock".

oh really Santa ? its a pity you only come once a year

"No to be honest I'm more like the big guy's representative for hospital visits."

Have you any idea how much it costs for coal ?

I might have to give the naughty children some Euros instead.

Santa: "So it's bicycles for the kids, perfume for you and a sack for your husband."
Michelle: "hahahahaha.........er, yes"

Give it up, Santa. The Secret Service removed the mistletoe.

I'm sorry ma'am I just cant seem to find anything for you this year

Honestly it was this big and the most beautiful thing you have ever seen ...

"Gordon, is that you? Jeeez."

...and then I got lost on the M25 which delayed me for 30 hours.

The TRUTH: Michael Jackson faked his own death and reappeared in his dream job. Only the gloves gave him away.

But Michelle, you MUST have heard the song "I Saw ObaMama Kissing Santa Claus"

"Then you shouldn't have asked for a Christmas Goose, should you?"