³ÉÈËÂÛ̳

Snippets from the week's news, sliced, diced and processed for your convenience.

1. Moths wander around after landing until they find a surface matching their colour.

2. There is a formula for the perfect sandcastle.

3. Elephants use bass singing to keep the herd together.

4. The US airforce trains more drone pilots than actual pilots.

5. A male rhinoceros beetle can lift 850 times its body weight.
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6. There are 83 million fake Facebook accounts.

7. Palm trees once grew on Antarctica.
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8. Blackpool is the antidepressant capital of England.
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9. Fish can get skin cancer.

10. The same man wrote the score for Citizen Kane and Vertigo.
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Seen a thing? Tell @³ÉÈËÂÛ̳_magazine on Twitter using the hashtag #thingIdidntknowlastweek

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Agnieszka Rokita in this article - here in America, a "thank you for the thank you card" is, technically, a "you're welcome" card.
Jill B., Detroit

I can't help but think when reading through the additional 12 things about Britain that the ³ÉÈËÂÛ̳ should compile these into a commemorative book for London 2012, a la The Hitchhikers' Guide to the Galaxy.
Ross, Stratford, London

Surely I wasn't the only person to have had a sudden involuntary itch on my head whilst reading number nine of 10 Things?
R.G, Watford, Herts

And another gold for team GB as I get 7/7 in the weekly news quiz!
Julian Tysoe

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Winning entries in the Caption Competition.

The competition is now closed.

This week it's a number of musicians on a special train heading from Munich to Rome.

Thanks to all who entered. A small quantity of kudos to the following:

6. Frankonline wrote:
Hercule Poirot is outside, he says we just murdered the last number.

5. Andy wrote:
Honestly, I'm not implying anything. I'm just saying that I'll bring my iPod next time, that's all.

4. Mr_Pastry wrote:
The escape was going so well, until the ticket inspector said: "Good luck, Tommy."

3. grazvalentine wrote:
Not brief enough encounter.

2. david regan wrote:
With or without Marilyn Monroe, the German remake of Some Like It Hot was never going to be a success.

1. MorningGlories wrote:
No, Kraftwerk are two carriages down.

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A service highlighting the riches of the daily press.

To be sure, Paper Monitor has read plenty of Olympics hyperbole over the past week.

But none of it has quite matched in today's Times:

We love Jess because Jess is Jerusalem: beautiful, talented, vulnerable, a perfect emblem of the green and pleasant land we long to live in. She is us. She is the people we would like to be, the place we would like to live in. Today Jessica Ennis starts the heptathlon at the Olympic Stadium: seven events that will fulfil a nation's dreams of what life really should be like. Or not, of course, and that uncertainty fills the event with the Tabasco of anxiety.

Jerusalem? Tabasco? Paper Monitor suspects Barnes' tongue is not entirely removed from his buccal cavity.

Equally gushing, however, is Bryony Gordon of the Daily Telegraph - this time on the subject of US swimmer and his, er, physical attributes.

"At London 2012, swimming is to women what beach volleyball is to men," Gordon insists. "After all the pictures of women's bottoms, we deserve the chance to lust after Lochte for a little while."

Paper Monitor wouldn't wish to spoil anyone's fun. But an instructive corrective to all the excitement comes in the Daily Mirror from none other than Olympic hero Bradley Wiggins.

As previously observed by this column, the cyclist's sideburns have been printed on the front of the nation's red tops, allowing fans to cut them out and stick them on their own faces to show support.

Wiggins, however, is nonplussed. He lives in the north-west of England and, he says, "everyone up there looks like that".

If self-effacement were an Olympic event, Team GB would surely be in line for another gold.

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Paper Monitor (Wednesday) failed to give us a health warning about would be exposed through the window in the paper once we cut out the Wiggo sideburns from page one of the Sun. I'll fetch my sideburns and not a lot else...
Ian, Winchester, UK

"Bradley Wiggins wins Great Britain's second gold medal of London 2012 with victory in the road cycling time trial." Maybe people should nick kit more often...
Henri, Sidcup

I wonder if any bookies are taking bets on Bradley Wiggins to be included in the New Years Honours List or to win the Sports Personality of the Year award?
Tim McMahon, Martos/Spain

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A service highlighting the riches of the daily press.

Upon a microblogging site this morning, one stumbled across this irresistible post from the Daily Telegraph:

@Telegraph: The thrill of dressing like Mrs Thatcher tgr.ph/OrCiYA

Reader, one clicked on it. For if this is not the definitive Telegraph feature idea, then what is?

A well-known auction house is selling a selection of the Iron Lady's outfits, and the paper dispatches fashion writer Hannah Betts to play dress-up. Sadly, this doesn't make the print version of the paper - it being filled with pictures of assorted happy hard-bodies - but for once, this shall not deter your humble correspondent.

"It is not a happy time for those of us with a feeling for fashion. There is too much Lycra about and far too much rain. Well, no more. For someone is bringing style back - and it is not a someone you would expect. Step forward one Margaret Thatcher, summer's most modish poster girl. This weekend, seven of Baroness Thatcher's ensembles are on sale at Christie's. And so, somehow I found myself donning her threads, crying as I twirled about in her gold lame: 'Thatch, you took our milk, but you gave us style.'

And not a blue power suit amongst them. There is the aforementioned gold, but also "shrimp, grass green, turquoise, even multi-colour". The outfits date from the 1970s when she was trying to stand apart from the men in suits.

"One immediately feels an urge to impose Thatcher-like perfection. I find myself adjusting a collar, repositioning a hem here, tweaking a pussy bow there, and tutting pettishly over creases. A fly lands on one of the razor-sharp pleats of the canary conference show-stopper and I actually emit a scream. How does it have the audacity?"

Meanwhile, there are photos aplenty of Bradley Wiggins in the winner's throne at Hampton Court Palace following his gold-medal performance in the cycling time trial.

Maybe it's the sun in his eyes, or perhaps his Lycra is pinching a little, but Wiggo looks a little... discomforted as he sits in golden splendour, with Henry VIII's favourite palace as a backdrop.

All hail king of the mods. (Beat that, rockers.)

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I wish I'd seen the article about job titles sooner. I'm an HR Manager for a NHS Trust and recently came across a member of staff whose title was recorded on the payroll system as "End of Life Facilitator". Regrettably, whoever initially set the record up had missed out the crucial word "Care". There are times when the NHS really does itself no favours.
HR Manager X, Leeds, England

Chemistry sets are no longer popular because of Health and Safety risks associated with some of the chemicals, one of which was "Blamed for the death of Pope Clement II in 1047". If that's the only and the last injury attributed to the substance, I think I might risk it...
Richard Martin, Doncaster, UK

50,000 people signing up to the Don't Go To See Madonna campaign sounds like a lot. But how many of them are pledging not to go to a concert they don't have tickets for, anyway?
David Richerby, Liverpool, UK

When I saw Blond Bond villain is unveiled I did wonder if last Friday was actually an audition?
Ruaraidh, Wirral, UK

Rob (Monday's letters), travelling in London Monday/Tuesday has been easy. My trains (from an Olympic venue no less) have been less packed than normal; there have been no queues I have seen commuting through Victoria; and my buses have been normal. No stuffing observed here. Is there a different view from the land of my fathers?
Adrian, London

No Your Letters on Tuesday night? Can we assume that MM is a member of Team GB with something to celebrate?
Peter, Swindon, UK

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A service highlighting the riches of the daily press.

Hanging out for GB gold? Well, today could be the day. (Or not. Don't want to jinx these things!)

The papers have pulled out the stops for the cycling time-trial, in which Tour de France winner Bradley Wiggins is a medal hope.

"HERE WIGGO! Help Bradley triumph by wearing his lucky sideburns with pride... as Britain goes for a hat-trick of GOLDS today" - the Daily Mirror, with .

"We've endured four days of Olympic ­heartache, but Bradley Wiggins is today poised to end Britain's gold drought.
Millions will watch the Tour de France champ's bid to win the 27-mile time trial as we desperately await our first gold.
The glittering prize may have eluded Team GB's athletes so far, but the 32-year-old cycling ace is confident of landing the gong."

Then there's the Sun, headlined GOING FOR WIGGOLD.

"Print off, cut out & wear your 24-carat Bradley Wiggins sideburns & back Team GB's bid to win first gold today,"

The Guardian devotes its centre pages to a pull-out poster in familiar red and white.
"KEEP CALM AND CARRY ON*
WE'VE STILL GOT WIGGO..."

Meanwhile, Paper Monitor notes with delight that Jack Bauer will again be racing against the clock - only this time in the men's cycling time trials. He must have taken a career break from CTU, although how an American is able to turn out for New Zealand is anyone's guess.

Still, go Jack! Tick tick tick...

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Yes, because non-fans will pay 275 euros to come and boo you
Judith, Weybridge, Surrey

14 year old policeman alert here...
Jonty, Douglas, Isle of Man

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A service highlighting the riches of the daily press.

Ask not what the Olympics can do for you. Ask what you can do for the Olympics. With apologies to JFK. Paper Monitor is having to hunker down and get on with the job despite trying conditions. Yes, we have only two papers to monitor today.

And no, I have absolutely no idea if the delivery problem is related to the Olympics. But like everyone else let's put it down to the Games and show our pluck by getting on with the job in the face of huge adversity.

In a way it doesn't matter what paper you're reading. There is the Olympics. And then there is other news. And even the other news has rather a lot of Olympics in it. Take the Times' feature worrying that Prince Harry was turning into Dupree from You, Me and Dupree hanging out too much with Kate and Wills.

It concludes that, no he wasn't turning into Dupree. And that actually it is lovely the three of them all get on so well. So here's a big picture of the three of them in their Team GB tops at the Games. Possibly watching cousin Zara.

Which brings us nicely on to Simon Barnes' dispatch from some riding event at Greenwich Park. "Bloody horses, what the hell are they doing at the Olympic Games?"

. Horsey types who say impenetrable things like "looks more like his sire than his dam". Horsey virgins who whoop, yell and cheer, forgetting that horses aren't used to such raucous crowds. And the actual horses who bravely just get on with it.

"I hope all the anti-horse buggers connected with the Games were in Greenwich to see the glory of it all," he concludes.

Whether Marina Hyde in the Guardian fits this category is not clear. She tries her best to understand "County O'Clock" . But in the end it she just can't quite fit in.

She is buttonholed by one of the horsey types. He begins by saying how wonderful it is having the army involved in security. Then he asks which paper she works for. Uh, oh. "Oh dear..." is his response. The Guardian is not universally loved by the horsey crowd.

Getting tired of the nonplussed responses to her employer, she opts for a novel approach. "One puts them at their ease by agreeing that one absolutely wouldn't have the paper in the house oneself."

One hopes she wasn't whooping at the horses as well.

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Johan van Slooten (Friday's letters) - it's summer, so people are away on holiday and the Underground should therefore be less crowded, and it will, therefore, be easier to chat to people on the trains. And if you're lucky you could even watch the cricket at Lord's.
David van Ondergrond, Romford

Lord Coe says Olympics venues are "stuffed" - as indeed are most of the ordinary people trying to travel in London.
Rob Falconer, Llandough, Wales

RE: 10 Things number three - considering the ³ÉÈËÂÛ̳ reported on this story back in June would this not count as something we should have known last week? I'll fetch my cloak.
Malcolm Rees, Aldershot

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A service highlighting the riches of the daily press.

Paper Monitor is tickled by a couple of Olympic stories in the paper today.

Firstly, the Sun reports the Army has been drafted in to answer a "second Olympic SOS call". The emergency? Filling countless rows of empty seats.

is the headline. The picture? Beach volleyball. Naturally.

The Times' leader seems to be amused, too, saying the.

First they filled in for a security company, to ensure that people arrived safely in their seats. Now they will go and sit in the seats themselves.

Paper Monitor can't help but wonder - tongue in cheek, of course - whether they will be competing next.

Talking of heroes, another story that raised a smile was the tale of Niger's Hamadou Djibo Issaka, who took part in the men's single sculls repechage on Sunday.

Although he came in one minute and 20 seconds behind the winner, the Daily Mirror says the 35-year-old, who only took up the sport three months ago, is

Paper Monitor can't help but agree.

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