³ÉÈËÂÛ̳

Did anyone notice that today's PM was a bit earlier than usual? Perhaps trying to fit one in before something happening after 11 am?
Anthony, Berlin, Germany

10 things: Kirsty Alsopp doesn't have an "off" switch. (No 17). Now I wish the Maya had been right.
Rik Alewijnse, Feering, UK

Dear Lara (Thursday's letters) please chill my dear. The train companies are already paid by Metro to agree distribute their rag on every station in the capital. However, in my station, only the up line has a distribution. Commuters on the down line can only read the ones I leave on the train. Anyway, I will take my rag when SouthEastern trains manages to run my train on time for a whole week. I think I am safe.
Adrian, London/UK

Is everyone still here? Sorry if you felt a bit of a bump. The temporal discontinuity that would have had the Southern hemisphere running half a second behind the Northern hemisphere caused a bit of a jolt when I shorted it out. The real trick was materialising at both poles at the same time. May be one or two side-effects; cheese turning back into milk, Big Ben striking six and three quarters, mayors of London not speaking in tongues, etc. But that should clear up in the next few centuries.
The Doctor, The Vortex

Dear Commuter,
Please disregard grumpy "Disgusted of London" and their uncharitable complaint. I remain eternally grateful for the spare newspapers I find on tube seats when I am without other reading material, and if your leaving a newspaper behind helps improve the employment rate too, well, bravo you! Please keep "sharing".
Yours thankfully.
Rowena, Kew

Re Tom Webb (Thursday's letters) I'd be even more delighted than you are if the whole saga was called 'gate-gate'.
Brendan, London

Tom Webb makes a very good point. So should we actually call it "plebgategate"?
Dick Hobbs, Tunbridge Wells

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Winning entries in the Caption Competition. Caption Competition will be on its Christmas holidays next week.

The competition is now closed. [PDF].

This week a Ukrainian political activist in a storm trooper outfit gives out toilet roll.

Thanks to all who entered. The prize of a small amount of kudos to the following:

6. Gray Gable
I'd give it a light year or so, if I were you...

5. throbgusset
Here... Try this. It really gets to the bottom of Ukrainian politics.

4. abz
Look Dad, a toilet roll holder.

3. Reeve Burgess
Toilet paper sales plummet after the little Labrador puppy is sacked.

2. ARoseByAnyOther
So when you said you were going to wipe us out...

1. Lin Vegas
The Stig trains the Star In A Reasonably Priced Khazi.

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Snippets from the week's news, sliced, diced and processed for your convenience.

1. There is a North Korean video game called Pyongyang Race.

2. Reindeers really do have red noses.

3. Humans outnumber rats by six to one in the UK.
More details

4. Pizza Hut in Singapore sells a pizza in a pizza.

5. Politicians in Japan wave sea breams to mimic sumo wrestlers.
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6. Early historical references to Christmas trees place the first one in Tallinn.

7. Linking two hormones into a single molecule cuts obesity in mice.

8. David Tennant pees in his garden to ward off foxes.

9. Wild elephants living in China 3,000 years ago belonged to the extinct genus Palaeoloxodon.
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10. In 1902 the Walls made the first recording of a family Christmas.
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Seen a thing? Tell @³ÉÈËÂÛ̳_magazine on Twitter using the hashtag #thingIdidntknowlastweek

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A service highlighting the riches of the daily press.

Paper Monitor suspects all sub-editors secretly dream of writing the ultimate headline: World ends.

"World hasn't ended" doesn't quite have the same impact, but that has not stopped Fleet Street's finest from having fun with the Mayan long count calendar's prophecy of armageddon.

says The Independent on its front page.

The Sun, never one to be beaten to the news by a snooty broadsheet, shaves a couple of minutes off on page 6: "End of the world is nigh (er, unless you are reading this after 11.11am)".

"That's all Folks," , with survival tips from "SAS Legend" Andy McNab (go underground, apparently) and a Doomy Tunes playlist, including, inevitably, Stairway to Heaven and REM's It's the End of the World as We Know It (and I feel fine).

The Telegraph also gets in on the act, informing its readers "If the doomsday prophets are to be believed then, sadly, today's Daily Telegraph, will be the last you will ever read". The paper, like the The Independent, is also the end of the world.

The Daily Mail manages to resist the faux-doomy news story, going instead for sending up the survivalists who stockpile baked beans for the apocalypse that never quite comes.

Ben Macintyre, in the Times, says but the UK has a long tradition of doomsday prophecy - and humans instinctively join the tribe when confronted by danger. It may even have made for a happier Christmas, he argues, as we survive yet another day of reckoning.

Or not, as the case may be...

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Has the Desborough Ritz paid more in tax than that other Ritz? If so, maybe we should use contribution level to decide who gets to use the name.
Elinor Goodchild, Hemel Hempstead

Most big news stories that extend over weeks eventually get given a "-gate" ending. And usually I sigh at its overuse when I see it. However, seeing that "plebgate" literally involved the word pleb and a real gate - I must instead say "well played news media, well played".
Tom Webb, Surbiton, UK

Dear Commuter - you are not "sharing" or "recycling" your newspaper that you left lying on the seat this morning. You are "littering". As a result of your behaviour the train company employs more cleaners thereby putting up the price of my train ticket. I'm sure you were taught differently when you were little. Obviously you've forgotten your lessons in manners. Yours sincerely, Disgusted of London
Lara Collins, London

The headline First Christmas recordings found was always going to disappoint.
Mark Williams, Oxford

"Listen to the first Christmas recordings" it said. So I followed the link hoping to discover if it was true what it says in the carol - were the cattle indeed lowing and if the baby no crying He makes. But instead just a bunch of Edwardians singing.
Craig, Glasgow, UK

I haven't seen Drunk Girl in a while. Is she on the wagon now?
Jackie, Belfast

"Saved" is rather overstating the case. Granted a short-term reprieve would be more accurate.
Rusty, Montreal, Quebec

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A service highlighting the riches of the daily press.

Rounds ups of the year are the kind of thing Private Eye bylines Phil Space. But today one review of the year, fills Paper Monitor with seasonal mirth.

The Times' legal section through the court highlights of the year.

Least Philosophical and Most Unedifying Evidence of the Year goes to QPR footballer Anton Ferdinand for telling Westminster Crown Court that John Terry had "called me a [expletive deleted], and I called him a [expletive deleted] back. And he gave me a gesture as if to say my breath smelled. I said to him, 'How can you call me a [expletive deleted]? You shagged your team-mate's missus, you're a [expletive deleted].'"

Harry Redknapp is Most Compelling Witness of the Year for telling a jury at his tax evasion trial that he was too busy "thinking about who was marking David Beckham" to pay attention to a form he signed transferring money to a Monaco bank account.

Least Appropriate Sentence of 2012 was given by a judge in Florida to a husband who had assaulted his wife after an argument. He ordered the man to buy his wife flowers, take her to dinner and then bowling. A defence attorney then asked the judge, "Does he have to let her win?"

Legal Cartoon of the Year is won by Mike Twohy in the New Yorker. A defence attorney bounds into a defendant's cell: "I've heard mitigating things about you!"

That's all folks.

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This is the Mod and whirl.
Trish, Essex

Re Tuesday's letters. Sorry, Alex of Grand Rapids MI, but the names Rob and Basil are already taken.
Rob Falconer, Llandough, Wales

Perhaps they should rename it The Writs?
Dr Reece Walker, London, UK

I'm guessing that David Cameron wanted to demonstrate there were more women and fewer Old Etonians in the Cabinet - so he invited the Queen.
Michael Hall, Croydon, UK

Not only is it quite the story, but perfect nominative determinism .
Morwenna Hancock, Nova Scotia, Canada

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A service highlighting the riches of the daily press.

What to buy the woman or man in your life who has everything? Fortunately, today's papers carry news of the perfect case study on which to base your gift-giving.

"How about table mats and a chunk of Antarctica?" asks the Guardian.

Er... that'll be a no to the former and a bit tricky for the latter.

Perhaps the Daily Express has some better advice?

A slice of Antarctica (and 60 place mats for Cabinet Queen)

Or the Times?

Queen is given new island to rule over
But Argentina disputes claim to Antarctic territory

Turns out Chile also claims what was, until very, very recently, called the British Antarctic Territory in some quarters, where it has now been renamed as Queen Elizabeth Land in honour of Her Majesty's 60th jubilee. That, and the table mats. To be fair, she's probably one of the few people in the land with a dining table big enough to seat 60, and you don't want their plates marking up the varnish.

The Daily Telegraph provides a slightly more detailed description of said placemats - "handmade, gilt edged and lacquer-finished with images of Buckingham Palace on them". But the "was this what the Queen wanted for Christmas?"

Some commentators scoffed at the gifts the Queen received on her visit to Westminster, but to be fair, none of us has seen Her Majesty's list to Father Christmas. For all we know it said, "Dear Santa: 60 placemats, a scrap of frozen wasteland plus a guided tour of the Foreign Office by William Hague, please." She may well be very happy. Even if not, we all know how hard it can be to buy for the older woman. At the height of his success Rod Stewart told his mother she could have anything she wanted for Christmas, money no object. After deep thought she said: "Well, I could do with a new bread bin."

Paper Monitor likes the cut of her jib.

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Re paper monitor. Bradley puns: Chain Reaction, Fender Bender, Domestique Bliss.
Simon Rooke, Nottingham, UK

Oh dear the letters are caught in the xmas post. Try giving the postie a few quid this year you may get better service next year.
Malcolm, Wrexham, Wales, United Kingdom

Why are most of your correspondents (or at least those you publish) male? Alex, considering changing my name to Rob.
Alex, Grand Rapids MI

Does anyone else read the headline "The Hobbit scores record opening at US box office" and find the use of "scores" jarring?
David, Cannock, UK

Has someone been at the Christmas sherry again? No letters since Thursday. Merry Xmas (hiccup).
Henri, Sidcup

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A service highlighting the riches of the daily press.

Paper Monitor ran into an old friend on the way home from a work party last night... Punorama. (Long-time readers may wish to add an exclamation mark to the end of that sentence.)

So, in honour of one's former Monitor stable mate, here is a salute to the punners of Fleet Street.

First up, the Sun:

• "BEER WIGGO" = Bradley Wiggins and his night of celebrations after winning Sports Personality of the Year
• "SWIGGO" = ditto
• "queasy rider" = ditto
• "Trident tested" = Russell Brand carrying a three-pronged spade-like implement
• "Get me snout" = fox with head stuck in a car wheel

Next, the Daily Star:

• "KNIGHT ON THE TILES" = Wiggins, granted a premature New Year gong by the paper
• "BRADLEY'S SWIGGIN'!" = take a guess
• "VAT'S NOT FAIR" = campaign to waive sales tax on the Hillsborough Christmas single

And the Daily Mirror:

• "Bradley Swiggins" = can you tell what it is?
• "Dreaming of a light Christmas" = the streets well-bedecked with boughs of festive decorations
• "BIG BRUMS" = Birmingham has largest average waistline in the UK

Think you can do better? Send your puns, using the letters form on the right.

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In the article about a brothel sponsoring a Greek football team, I particularly liked the phrasing when the owner visited the ground "proudly watching the team show off their tackling skills".
Rob Falconer, Llandough, Wales

I bet she was thinking "please, please, please don't let it be that bed!"
Rusty, Montreal, Quebec

Oh, come on ³ÉÈËÂÛ̳. "How to cross the road safely". What do you take your readers for?
Jonathan, Freising, Germany

Six noun headline alert!
Rob, Horsham

Hmm. Anyone buying a tech gift for their older relatives this Christmas may live to regret it as they find themselves on 24-hour tech support for the rest of the year. If only it were just a week. I'll get iCoat.
Warren, Bristol

Steve (Thursdays letters), did he come up with this phrase after someone stole his picnic again?
Ed, Wakefield

So... there has been a revelation that putting ball bearings in your mouth and swallowing them may not be good for your health? Who knew?
Ted Rodgers, Cheshire, UK

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A service highlighting the riches of the daily press.

As we approach the shortest day of the year, Paper Monitor is in need of a few rays of sunlight. What do the papers have to offer?

The Daily Express has not one but two Daily Express Weatherâ„¢ headlines, and a cartoon based on the latter:

• "Weather to make the rich flee Britain"
• "Floods threat to Christmas"

It's wedding bells (again) for Silvio Berlusconi, who has proposed to his 27-year-old girlfriend, "a former TV showgirl who is almost half a century younger than him," notes the Times, adding that he "is not yet finally divorced from his second wife". (Cue appropriation of that Mrs Merton quote.)

It also makes a perhaps unexpected pairing of the words "saucily" and "Susan" in its report on the ³ÉÈËÂÛ̳ Sports Personality of the Year - as in Bradley Wiggins rocking up on stage in all his "double-breasted glory, handkerchief a-flutter like a Mod-era Rod Stewart and saucily addressing Sue Barker as 'Susan' throughout".

The Daily Mail, some will be unsurprised to learn, has a reliably bonkers take on the fashions at the awards.

After criticising the female athletes for looking "slightly butch and uncomfortable" and "chunky", with their boxy waists and muscular shoulders, Liz Jones then performs one of her trademark about-faces to declare:

But ultimately, who cares if they don't look like they've stepped off the pages of Vogue, or even read the magazine?

How about the fellas?

The men, bar Louis Smith, looked fine in their finery.

And finally, the Daily Telegraph has yet more praise for Wiggins:

In maintaining a knowing detachment from the entire gaudy spectacle before turning up at the end to win the whole thing, Wiggins achieved a high-wire balancing act at least the equal of anything he achieved on the bike. Beat that next year, Chris Foome.

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