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Lapse in immigration policies from New Zealand

I hope no-one is in the loo.

Feeling Ork-ward!

Well, that sure frightened Prince Charles off

Hobbits v Aliens, the short and long of it

What do you mean, I'm walking at the wrong speed?

And what about the new contract I had to sign! It was three times longer than the original.

Because I'm Worth it!

Of course I haven't any ID...

I hear they're renaming the book, "There and back again ... and again ... and again"

"Elvish has left the building..."

Actually, I'm Christopher Lee, and I'm not going to get cut out of this film

So it's a short story about little people, turned in to an overlong trilogy. What's funny about that?

It's the fifth day of Christmas and Gollum has got an extra four rings to find

"One does not simply walk into Corridor..."

"Unidentified item in the Baggins area..."

Are you sure you had the map the right way round?!

Alarming costume? Well, it was OK before it got caught in the shredder.

Lights out indeed

Doctor Who extra finds it's longer to walk to the toilet in the TARDIS than he thought

Botox 2: The Revenge

Ordered to leave by Elf and Safety.

I am an artist, not just another pretty face.

"Make-up?" said Joan Rivers. "No, I just use a little eye-liner."

"Right, I'm off to get Legolas at the after-show party."

Don't you just hate it when you're about to sneeze and it's caught on camera!

"What do you mean, it's not SWORDS Personality of the Year?"

Start without me, I left my armour in my dressing room.

If I wear this costume for much longer, you'll be reading about me in tomorrow's Hobbituaries

George A. Romero releases his version of "Goodbye Mr. Chips"

The horse got frightened and ran off again...

I only signed up because I thought any film with Bilbo Baggins in has just got to be a porno film

"Fancy dress party, please do come along" Peter said. I'll kill him when I see him. The only one in fancy dress!

I'm headed to the Beeb, the gremlins need to pull their socks up.

Premier Leaguge reveals new mascot as the 'Face of English Football'

Strut softly and carry a big stick

"What do you mean, why the long face?"

Of course I don't look very smart - when they said they wanted me for a Tolkien part, I thought they meant on the radio

Clegg slinks off after expressing his diapproval after seeing the official "Deputy PM" uniform.

And as part of our new Academy status, I'd like you all to welcome the new headmaster.

Hmm. that was a bit orc-ward...

Peter Jackson stomps off home, clearly grumpy that fans recognised him anyway.

"No, I'm in Fifty Shades of Grunge."

Robert de Niro was clearly upset : "You Tolkien to me?"

"No, Nick," sighed the Lib Dems. "We said you had to WALK the WALK..."

Stuff it, I'm off.

The thoughts of sitting with the other Spice Girls made Posh a little angry.

That's a nice New Zealand shell finish to these walls - Corridors of Paua, I suppose

I've got haemorrhoids - I'm Sore Ron

I'm putting on my top hat,
tying up my white tie, brushing off my tails.
I'm duding up my shirt front,
putting in shirt studs, polishing my nails...

Following the results of the recent Census evidence was now emerging that Britain had many residents born outside the UK

The film's almost three hours long? I read the book in less than that!

After all that trouble on the Tube this morning, I'm definitely taking a cab tomorrow

With half the competition pulling out, Finland were quietly confident of another Eurovision victory next year.

All the other residents demanded The Hulk be moved to another retirement home

Climate change was making its mark down under

Beam me up snotty

"I swear when I said I liked hobnobs, I meant the biscuits"

Jackson reckons he's going to make The Silmarillion into a sixteen-parter

Jeremy Paxman goes home after another exhausting Newsnight programme

The time in the jungle had clearly taken its toll on Nadine Dorries, now reduced to a stick instead of a whip

Peter Stringfellow's dark roots were beginning to show.

Nobody was sure who had vandalised and destroyed the office photocopier....but there were one or two suspects.

The local Salford people were a friendly bunch.

Actually, as an ice-skater, I was hoping for a role in The Lord of the Rinks

at least i can take mine off

How did you know I was one of the godless from Norwich?

So, Jackson wants to direct an episode of Doctor Who? By the look of the budget here, it seems his dreams have come true.

Yes, this place looks like Gollum's cave. And the echo has a certain ring to it.

Coffee runs out at the office.

Relief washed over her as the announcement came over the tannoy:

"We have a lost little dude in a natty sheepskin jacket who speaks little English. If you know who he is, please make your way to the kitchen department."

Burp! Sorry, I've just come from the lunch of the hobbit!

Ah, so that's what Prequel looks like.

I'm sure I left my moisturising cream around here somewhere

Launch of The Hobbit they said. Well, I showed them. Wonder where he will come down.

Oh, Mr. Jackson - I can write the theme tune, sing the theme tune...

Auditions for the new Scary Spice were not going well.

"Pink slime again but we were was promised pizza!"

The years had not been kind to Gismo the Mogwai

Jagger leaves the stage after blowing away another stadium full of Stones fans

This year, ITV are again showing the perennial Christmas favourite, "Nightmare on 34th. Street""

Janice Dickinson arrives at The One Show's studios.

My role in the film? I did the orc-chestration.

I told them to give me a ring if they couldn't work it out for thems elves

He was no monk but he had a very dirty hobbit

Some like to nibble the ear or stroke the cheek but I am more of a neck romancer

Jagger leaves the stage, another triumph for the Stones

Late for the audition! Bah, stupid me for relying on a Hobbit Teasmaid.

I'm here to conduct the orcestra

I'm going to an audition for a wrinkle cream advert because I'm worth it

And, after the breast reduction operation, Sylvia knew she would be able to start her life as a new woman

Ricky Gervais stormed out of the studio after failing to sell his new sit-com The Orifice because there were too many holes in the plot

Stella McCartney sure knows how to clear a catwalk

Alarming? It sure is. I've got to hide the batteries in my underpants.

Goodness knows how many films Jackson would get out of "Fly Fishing" by J. R. R. Hartleykien

Stupid Fairy Godmother! It wasn't just the slippers that changed back at midnight, was it?

I could kick myself! Ricky Gervais asked me if I wanted the part Martin Freeman got his big break in, but I said no, I didn't want an office job.

Peter Jackson has, of course, been criticised for including characters who were not in the original Hobbit book, such as Frodo, Legolas, Galadriel, Saruman, Tauriel, and Jar Jar Binks

This is no good at all. I'm going back to caffeinated.

Made in Mordor. Reality TV hits Middle Earth