Made for walking?
So after three weeks of being on the road, the prodigal sons have finally returned from their televised odyssey across the land of Amerikey. It was good to see the guys again and hear their tales from being on the road. The first person I saw was Matt, who came in with a relaxed look on his face. We spoke for a while about how the U.S. differs from here and how sometimes the British accent is completely misunderstood over there. With the pound being strong, I casually asked the question, "Did you get much shopping done?". The mood suddenly changed, and with a heavy sigh Matt just leaned towards me and whispered, "Gee, I think that I should warn you.....Russell's got a new pair of boots".
Now like the rest of you I had already heard about this intriguing purchase, Russell and Matt had decided to dress up like cowboys for their little adventure in order to really get into the role of drifting through the States. The hats and the boots were a nice touch and will look great on the TV documentary, but I had assumed that the novelty of being a cowboy had by now worn off with their return to England. Enter Sherriff Russell, whooping and a hollering, filled with the vigour of holiday spirit and eager to show off his latest acquisition!
Everyone he met was bombarded with the same enthusiastic greeting, from the guys on reception all the way to our studio guests Courtney Love and Paul McKenna. It appeared that none could escape the inescapable question: "Hey guys, what do you think of my rootin', tootin', six-gun shootin', no disputin' cowboy boots??".........Hmmm, black cowboy boots with a white skull & crossbones and the number 13 etched onto the toe-cap and the heel, all enclosed within a pair of bat's wings?....you never know, they could catch on!
(call GQ!)
Flying High
Good evening, this is your Captain Gee speaking,
Welcome aboard Morgan Airlines flight RB16,
We'll be cruising at a high altitude through territories unknown,
Discovering Courtney's secrets and Avon treats beyond the phone,
If you glance by the window seat to your left,
You'll see Matthew struggle to juggle both the buttons and bite the belt,
Whereas by the seat to your right, Russell "takes a walk" up the aisle,
To request an in-flight movie, could it be?... (Yep!)..it's "Girl's Gone Wild",
Hostesses will move throughout the plane to display our selection of Duty Free,
But we sold out of toy "monkeys-in-bras" once we passed Paul McKenna's seat,
Standby for landing, everybody hold onto somebody tight,
I hope that you enjoy Captain Daniel Johnston,
......'Cos he's your pilot on the return flight!
Thanks for another great poem Gee.
This show was the funniest thing I'd heard in ages (well, since the ice cream malarkey in Blackpool at least).
Crikey, what a pair of cowboy boots! They are even more 'interesting' that Russell described them!
Russell
I too have an intrigueing collection of cowboy boots: there's pink ones with embroidery on, black suede ones with tassells and blue gems (wearing them now actually!) and a fine pair of knee high tan ones with even more embroidery. P'raps you and I should meet up and exchange boots tips. The others may not understand you, but I'm sure you and I can talk cowboy boots into the wee small hours .... I'll even bring my bullwhip!
Love oooooooooooooooooooooo!!
CtD x x x
as much as I adore Russell... I hate these boots.
love to everyone xxx
Yo Brand man & ALL Blog Operatives,
Bingo Star ere. (Regular C.Evans Blogger)
Brand man I like yer new boots, wild - am tellin' yer!!!!!
Last time I saw some boots like that it waz in ICI chemical works at Rocksavage, Runcorn.
I was loading in me tanker errr class 6.1 toxic liquid and I ain't talkin' a'nit ter do with Britney Spears - Toxic tune errr - am tellin' yer Brand man, am TELLIN' yer!!!!!
Chow!
PS Great Shoe, sorry Show. Just wish it was on more than once a week - know what am sayin'!!!!!
PPS Please don't let Wrightie 'ear me say anyone elses shoe, sorry show is 'Great' otherwise i'll end up banned from 'is shoe, sorry show!!
Tarrr!!!!!!!!!!!!
Kinky boots, kinky boots!
Well, what can you say!
Avon, are going to make alot of money out of these boots in their next catalogue, I believe they're gonna be a best seller.
The detail and appearance is sure to be a hit with the ladies!!!!
They"re very sophisticated!
Ahh, poor Rusky! We do love him so much!!
Russ, bite the bullet mate, and let your stylist deal wit yer image!
Please!
I'm so glad, that you wore them to the studio, so we could get a glimps of, the cowboy in ya!!!
Get off your horse and drink yer, "green tea"
OOooh I say!!
Years ago, I used to be a model;
When I first aspired to do moddlin, it was in the height of the eighties, big hair, and neon colours. Baggy clown pants.
Seriously, loud, overstated makeup!
I had been spotted in Duke St. by a big name agency and asked to show up at the agency, so they could take a look at me.
This was the answer to my dreams as I felt a bit washed up at the time. Between college and out of work.
I summoned up a lot of courage to go to the agency.
It was a nerve racking prospect.
I put on my clown pants, neon vest and cropped, cut down sweat shirt.
My makeup was VIVID and my hair was all back combed, it was huge.
I had multicoloured neon bangles on and great curtain ring earings.
I had really made an effort, to look my best!
I went in and the bookers in the agency took a long appraising look.
The sort of up and down one, that has a doubtful flavour of sceptisism.
Before they had a chance to turn me away, I made an emphatic point of mentioning that I had been invited to show up, by their colleague.
It seemed to work.
They told me to go in the waiting room and wait for the lady who had spotted me, to return.
After an hour or so she walked in.
Aware that she was about to rebuff me, I quickly told her that she had met me in the street and had told me to come in.
She took me through to the booking room to be seen by the others.
They threw a jar of cream at me and told me to go to the toilet and remove all of my makeup.
The humiliation. At the age of 19! I went nowhere without my makeup!
The toilet was small and dirty.
The jar of cream was grubby and had sand all round the rim.
I tore off some toilet paper and reluctantly begun the unmasking.
Feeling totally stupid and exposed, I went back to the bookers.
They swung about in their chairs, saying I was a bit short.
Then one of them got up, came over to me and proceeded to pour her bottle of drinking water over my hair!
With my head lowered , she ruffled and rubbed at it.
Then exclaimed,
"Right! This is how we want you to wear your hair!"
"We,ll have to completely overhaul your dress sense. Take you to some decent shops and teach you what's o.k. and what's not !"
Apparently my clothes, were no more than clown clothes in their eyes.
They were a bit disgusted.
They very warily said that hey would give me a try and see how I got on.
Thankfully, for me I did very well in the subsequent years.
Well enough, by my standards.I was working, getting one front cover after another.
I actually modelled for Avon too!
Isn't it every girls dream to become a model.
For the whole time, I felt like a fraud though!
I never considered myself as attractive.
So whenever I got work, I was surprised.
I got to travel the world.
Doing the circuit every year.
Milan, Paris , Hamburg, Munich, Tokyo and so on.
As the years went by, I became complacent about the vital importance of image.
My job was starting to bore me and I was looking to other pastures.
I was completely half hearted about work.
It had lost its glitz for me, by the time I was in my early twenties.
Living out of a suitcase. The transience and emptiness of it all.
Sitting for hours on end, being pulled about.
For 10 minutes of shooting.
I brought a house with my brother and started to spend time there.
Walking my dog.
Well here comes the faux pas!
I was going to London to the Agency.
For some incredible reason, I thought I was beyond the whole image thing.
Stupidly, feeling no obligation towards the fashion police.
It ended in my demise.
I am so ashamed to this day.
You see my mum had brought me a pair of boots, that were horse riding boots, but were intrinsicly rubber wellies.
I thought I could pass them off, under my jeans.
I wore a hippie, hoodie top, and scarf.
You just DON'T dress like that for London!
I had crossed over with the wonderfully, comfortable, dog walking gear and replaced the proper, stylish dress with it.
God forbid!!!!
What a plonker!
Had I learnt nothing about peoples shallow perceptions.
What was I thinking.
As you can imagine, I left the fashion industry shortly afterwards!
I was burnt out.
So be warned, Mr Brandissimo!!
The life of a high profile entertainer, does, require, certain, observances that, line up to a kind of conformity.
If you change your image too quickly, it confuses people.
Especially the ones, who put their asses on the line and vote you,
"Best dressed man!"
If your stylist, CRIED, about your insistance to forge your own fashion identity, be warned!!
It is important to keep your head in these times!
Ken Dodd,
was a wonderful performer
,when they made him, they broke the mould.
But, sadly, theres only room for one.
So, I think you should give me, dose, funky boots and I'll put them in a very safe place!
You've got to look edgy for us women!
You sexy man!!!
Love you so much.
I,m so glad, you guys are back!
I really missed you when you were away.
S' funny, really, you're so much a part of life.
When you're away there's a sort of emptiness!
Running around the States, is a bit too far from home.
At least England's small enough to keep tabs.
Do I sound like a stalker?
I wasn't expecting you back so soon. Thought you'de be caught out there for ages.
You can get some concrete plans up and running for the Autumn.
So we can see more of you. Would you feel tied down, by having to broadcast, more than once a week.
Would it water the fun down a bit?
Stop it being so edgy?
Jonny Ross, just does once a week.
Perhaps you could commission a chat show?
I reckon you could do a ground breaking Saturday night slot, on prime time TV.
Ant and Deck stylee, or something similar to The Friday night project.
Are you going to consentrate on your film career Russ?
Is it too, early days to carve out a proper imppression of what the future holds.
Anyway we love you
XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX
I,m so glad, you guys are back!
I really missed you when you were away.
S' funny, really, you're so much a part of life.
When you're away there's a sort of emptiness!
Running around the States, is a bit too far from home.
At least England's small enough to keep tabs.
Do I sound like a stalker?
I wasn't expecting you back so soon. Thought you'de be caught out there for ages.
You can get some concrete plans up and running for the Autumn.
So we can see more of you. Would you feel tied down, by having to broadcast, more than once a week.
Would it water the fun down a bit?
Stop it being so edgy?
Jonny Ross, just does once a week.
Perhaps you could commission a chat show?
I reckon you could do a ground breaking Saturday night slot, on prime time TV.
Ant and Deck stylee, or something similar to The Friday night project.
Are you going to consentrate on your film career Russ?
Is it too, early days to carve out a proper imppression of what the future holds.
Anyway we love you
XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX
Bingo Star - ello mate! Welcome to the Russolution!
CtD x x x
PS: Sandra Proudfoot is welcome in my des res any time!
Dear Adourable
In the stalking Russell stakes, after me, you can be first in the queue!
CtD x x
Hey Mr Gee
Saw you supporting Russell in croydon last night, i didn't know that you did stand up! v funny loved the joke about the school play lol. fantastic show, Russell really loves those boots don't he?
Nimble feet , NUBIAN HEAT!
Give me those boots
They're mine!
For Russ, in London,
They've stepped out of time
In the town of Americey
They set the trail
That would, blaze and prevail
The mark of adventure
With a sting in its tail
They would not abandon
The fabric of intention
From which, Mat and Russ
Could unroll in invention
They spoke of style
In a menacing wile
They fitted into a trip
That was more than a mile
Those Rootin
Tootin Boots
Cause more than a smile
When things felt uneasy
They spoke to the trial
Those boots are out for public hire
To all who are stuck in a slippery mire
They have the ability to stupify
And tire, the most
Sturdy adversary
Who would intimidate and fire
Those babies, don't put up with jip
They've earned their stripes
They're now field marshals, in trip
But, one thing I fear
Is,
they'll end up, in the cupboard
Never to hear the coos of admiration
From their owner so dear
They'll never be forgotten!
And have a place at the bottom
Of the anecdotes
Of wearing boats
That would row themselves
To a part in the clear
Sheer, hope away from all fear
As the story of Mat and Russ unfolds
We marvel as the fiction
Becomes, fact, set in the mould
The unspeakable, becomes
About that which we want to hear
And we evolve, together, forever
The revolution, to uphold
a stake we will make
Together as we grow old
And the tales of those
Boots, made for walking
Will forever be told
Nimble feet , NUBIAN HEAT!
Give me those boots
They're mine!
For Russ, in London,
They've stepped out of time
In the town of Americey
They set the trail
That would, blaze and prevail
The mark of adventure
With a sting in its tail
They would not abandon
The fabric of intention
From which, Mat and Russ
Could unroll in invention
They spoke of style
In a menacing wile
They fitted into a trip
That was more than a mile
Those Rootin
Tootin Boots
Cause more than a smile
When things felt uneasy
They spoke to the trial
Those boots are out for public hire
To all who are stuck in a slippery mire
They have the ability to stupify
And tire, the most
Sturdy adversary
Who would intimidate and fire
Those babies, don't put up with jip
They've earned their stripes
They're now field marshals, in trip
But, one thing I fear
Is,
they'll end up, in the cupboard
Never to hear the coos of admiration
From their owner so dear
They'll never be forgotten!
And have a place at the bottom
Of the anecdotes
Of wearing boats
That would row themselves
To a part in the clear
Sheer, hope away from all fear
As the story of Mat and Russ unfolds
We marvel as the fiction
Becomes, fact, set in the mould
The unspeakable, becomes
About that which we want to hear
And we evolve, together, forever
The revolution, to uphold
a stake we will make
Together as we grow old
And the tales of those
Boots, made for walking
Will forever be told
Hey Mr Gee - another great poem and you were very good in Croydon last night. I wrote you a poem......cos that is always a sensible thing to do - write a poem to a poet!
A trip across America in a bottle green truck
Will inevitably lead to an on air ruck
It could be a trip to inspire
Or an experience to make you perspire
An Avon Lady in skull adorned boots
and Albert Steptoe who clings to his roots
Embarking on a tit delivery expedition
With or without the 成人论坛鈥檚 permission
Too much time together in a small space
With a man who thinks he鈥檚 so ace
The other suddenly sees you for what you are
An annoying chap with whom he shares a car
A trip across America can be treacherous
With the lovely Russell, so very lecherous
Welcome home, I know Russ misses feeling all that
But mostly because I want to go to the pub with Matt
- those boots are even worse in person.....bless him...
Take care Mr Gee, looking fwd to the nxt poem on Saturdeeee!
Hi Gee and Russ,
I think I saw the boots in the flesh last night in Croydon, even from a distance they were quite a sight to behold. Really enjoyed the show by the way, I thought you were both hilarious!!
My favourite anecdote was that of the hootin' tootin' spunk shootin' ('xcuse the pun-stealing) incident with Matt!
Toodle pip
Hi Gee and Russ,
I think I saw the boots in the flesh last night in Croydon, even from a distance they were quite a sight to behold. Really enjoyed the show by the way, I thought you were both hilarious!!
My favourite anecdote was that of the hootin' tootin' spunk shootin' ('xcuse the pun-stealing) incident with Matt!
Toodle pip
Yo ALL,
Bingo Star ere.
CtD - Good ter speak to you via another blog.
I've been sort of part of the Russolution for while but on the quiet - I always listen to Russ's shoe, sorry show.
I just damn 'ope Christoof aka The Evans doesn't ban us from 'is blog for being dis-loyal - know what am sayin'!!!!
Chow!!
PS Russell man yer blog title above.
I'd say you were more mean't for TALKIN' friend!!
PPS Get Me On The Grapevine - I like your comments, Great poetry!!!!!!!!!
Love the rootin tootin boots
mr russell =]
Bloody hell. I WANT those boots Russ!
Get 'em off.
CtD x x x
Nice blog title, Mr. Gee. You should start with a little Nancy Sinatra this week. :)
I saw the very rooting tooting boots in question last night at Warwick Arts center. Mr Gee your poems were great but my my Mr Brand you are a naughty, naughty man!! (i love it really!)
Bwoi luvooo luvoooo xxxxx
howdy mr gee
I would love to see what Russ and Mat both look like in all their cowboy clothes - get them to dress up next time it's a live show so we can see them on the webcam. I'm coming to Hackney and cannot wait.
Like your poems buttercup and getmeonthe grapevine. Mr Gee inspires creativity obviously.
Kali
x
Russell
Have you read the book "Bo****cks To Alton Towers" ? It's all about alternative places to go for days out in the UK - Digger World is in there, I'm sure!
I really think you should get someone on the show from Gnome Magic - a gnome utopia on the outskirts of the Metropolos if Colchester.
Then there's the pencil museum in Cumbria, and the lawn mower museum (somewhere ooop north).
Great show - I was listening to the podcast while getting ready for work and had trouble with my mascara coz I was laughing at the McKenna interview sooooooooooo much! Maybe I should give Sandra Proudfoot a ring so she can visit me with her tray of samples!
Keep up the good work. Love uuuuuuuuuu
CtD x x x
PS: If China GET OUT of Tibet, can I please have your cowboy boots!!!!
Oh dear Lord. Please, for the love of god, get rid of the boots..... stick with the Converse, or the black boots, embroidered leather wellies are *not* the way forward....
--K.x.
heeeeelp,
the boots are causing a civil war among my friends! I love russell but can't stand the boots while my best friend nikki loves the boots to bits :(
saw you and mr gee at hackney it were amazing. it truly was. mwah!
Howdy partners.
Russell, I think your boots are great! Ignore all the meanies who criticise them; after the revolution comes, they'll all be wanting a pair. ;o)
Gem xX
Good day Russell, Matt, Mr Gee and associates.
Please allow me to introduce myself, my name is ______________? (Please fill in the blank)
I was invented on 10/08/2007 and I am an 8 week old tabby cat, but I have an issue.
This issue is a very serious matter to me because I feel I am lacking an identity. Although I have been living with my new family for just over a week now they are yet to supply me with an actual name.
I am a fairly well trained feline (mother dearest taught me the basics) but I feel slightly bewildered by the fact I don't have a name, which I really feel is hindering my education. I am trying so very hard to fit in with the family and they are buying that but I honestly have to question my progress.
I'm having to use my initiative with most things which I am finding a struggle at this early stage in my career as a cat. I even made a number 2 in the new litter tray they recently purchased, despite the fact that it was plastic, garishly yellow and filled with the scented gravel I despise. I prefer sawdust because it doesn't chafe so much. Anyway, to my horror when the lady came home from (I assume work) she congratulated me by calling her friend to share the news. I found the situation very embarrassing to be frank! How awkward! I've understood the toilet process for some time now, but was just patiently waiting to be named before breaking the tray in.
I do find the family very friendly, although I am weary. They quite obviously have never owned a pet before, thus the Idiots Guide to Kittenhood publication on the side in the study.
I maintained a cool head during the jabs, worming tablets and various checkups, but this anonymosity is causing me great heartache, my friends.
I don't bit or scratch. I'm one of the good ones, you know. I like playing, but I do tire easily at this young age. The boy entertains me with a plastic straw, which is an absolute joy, but I'm literally CLUTCHING AT STRAWS!
Surely I have rights. How long must I suffer in silence? Are there any help-lines or fact sheets you would be able to provide for me and other kittens in my situation?
Please please please can you help me out.
Yours hopefully
The name craving kitten.x
As you have not recieved your name yet, we will give you all the support we can, during the interim, as you remain nameless.
What a joy, dear kitty!
You did the right thing, by contacting, The Russell Brand,
"FE~LINE!"
It was the first brave step towards, receiving help.
It sounds to me like you came to us,
just in the nick of time!
Things seem to have got really out of hand!
We do feel confident that we can help you.
Dearest, sweet infant.
You have undergone, what can only be described as ~a baptism of fire!!!!! Or rather rough bottom asaulting, cat litter!
There are sadly, no manuals given to us kitties, when, we are launched into domestic life and expected to just get on with it!
Russell first began the "FE~LINE" foundation, when Morrissy called the police.
Russell, was very shocked when he realized that animals have needs that are intrinsic to the healthy promotion of their comfort and happiness.
We had to tell him, that hours of reruns of, On the Busses and endless, sky sport, just didnt kick it for 9 out of 10 cats!
He soon wised up, after long term family\animal relations counselling.
The family unit still consider themselves, as a work in progress.
Following the "NINE LIVES" recovery programme.
They still struggle daily, and find the group meetings particularly beneficial.
This way they can remind themselves of the precepts, interact with other owners|pets, struggling with the same issues, giving the all important "purrurliffick" support.
Absolute anonimity, is paramount, and great integrity is observed at these meetings.
We would like to stress, Kitty, that this sort of intervention is for the more mature.
Starting from an early age, can be more preventative.
We would like to stress that here can be pits and troughs at any stage, though.
Morrissy is still obliged to feed on Kitten food!
He would by far prefer a little, lightly scraped, raw steak; cooked chicken or a small bowl of baby Farex.
Thankfully with the help of the FE~LINE trust, he has learnt to forgive and manage his anger.
The outbursts are less frequent now.
The last time were notified about the iconic cat Morrissy, was when he sadly lashed out at his owner.
We believe Mr Brand had ventured to Hawaii at the time, for 6 weeks, making Morrisy feel so sick, he would'nt play nicely, or tolerate petting.
When Mr Brand returned, he personally alerted us, pleading for help.
He was at the time feverishly, driven to distraction.
It took a great legnth of gentlness and TLC, for his sobbing to subside.
So you see, dear kit, it happens to us all.
We were very distressed to hear of your dreadful situation.
It sounds like you have been very patient with your family!
You must know,we are always here for you!
We have given your details to our team of proffessionals, who will guide you through the great undertaking of training your human family.
So hang in there.
When I was a kitten, it was so hard for me to come to terms with human, incompitence. It was all I could do ,not to sit there shaking my head at them.
In my day, the woman of my house, broadcast my first whoopsy, in a most insensitive way.
It was the old curlers, and proud yacking over the fence, that I was subject to.
So you could say you got off lightly, doing it over the blower.
As trusted cats, we must learn, to love unconditionally.
Bear the burdens of our owners and absolutely always offer our necks and chins to be tickled.
The humans derive a huge amount of pleasure from these comparitively mundane services.
We must, MIOW with love and affection.
It takes time and you must learn to prowl before you can stalk.
So all the very best will be made available to you to fulfill your mission.
So, do keep in touch, we have sent you a fact file.
You must not suffer any more, Puss.
Hi CtD, thanks for saying I can have first dibbs at him.
PWOARRRRRRRR WHATA THOUGHT,
MMMMMMM the que officially starts behind me then, then its you CtD, then al our other lovely sisters and some brothers.
I think there will be enough of the sensuous guy to go around, m I can smell his intoxicatin aroma now.
The smell of excitement thay you would get just before you go on the bigest rollercoaster, and have a rollercoaster phobia.
If Russ read this, I know for sdure he would say, OOh you flatter me my dears!
Parhaps you build up yuor hopes, Im not really sure if I can come up to your expectations, then he would rise to the challange, and say GGGGGGGRr , RIGHT WHOS FIRST!
AHH what a lovely thought.
Well there we go, what can yousay.
Were all aload of bl**dy perverts!
Its only natural, aint it.
hey russ i think youre boots are wicked just like you xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
hey russ i think youre boots are wicked just like you got ur new book it is the best and i love it ponderland was awesome too xxxxxxxxxxxxx
Hi my best friends birthday is coming up and she would love a pair of boots like these but i have a small budget, about a hundred dollars. does anybody know where i can find boots like these for that cheap? thanks so much!