Mildew Manor, or The Italian Smile
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by Kim Newman |
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EITHNE: This ribbon... tight or tighter?
LINOLINE: Tighter. You can breathe tomorrow if needs be.
EITHNE [strangled]: There, that's better.
LINOLINE: You look a picture. Now, I must be off to chase the footmen. I shall see you at the ball.
EITHNE: Ah, a moment of solitude. An opportunity to assess my appearance in the mirror. Oh, what a pretty girl... some seventeen summers, milord... of course, I should be delighted... why, are you taking liberties... yes, you... are you addressing yourself to my person?... you must be, for no one else is present... fie! and la! But hold, what is this I discern, some figure beyond the windows of my boudoir, having ascended the ivy to my balcony. I am quite terrorised.
JOHN: Ah, Miss Orfe...
EITHNE: Mr Straight, whatever are you doing lurking like that? This is a considerable surprise. I'm not suitable for viewing.
JOHN: I've come to wish you a happy birthday, and a happy birthday ball.
EITHNE: That is very considerate of you. And selfless, in that your name features not on the list of those invited.
JOHN: Ah, no... regrettable omission, what... still, mustn't complain.
EITHNE: I am entirely powerless in the matter, as you know. I put all trust in my guardian, Mr Goodman, to consider my best interests. He is above reproach.
JOHN: Yes, that's true.
EITHNE: Still, I'm so glad you're here.
JOHN: Really?
EITHNE: Really. I should be sorry to have dressed up and not have been seen.
JOHN: By me.
EITHNE: By you especially.
JOHN: Miss Orfe... Eithne.
EITHNE: That is my name. Kindly do not wear it out through overuse.
JOHN: Eithne, just out of interest... when will you attain your majority?
EITHNE: You mean, when will I be commander of my own heart's destiny? When will I be free, say, to marry without the permission of my honourable guardian?
JOHN: Yes, exactly.
EITHNE: This very day, I have attained the age of seventeen summers. I shall attain my majority, under the terms of my father's will, when I attain the age of thirty-eight summers... Of course, I have no doubt Mr Goodman will approve any choice of husband I might make.
JOHN [dubious]: Quite so.
EITHNE: He's very strict about rogues and fortune-hunters, you know. He keeps a horsewhip in the hall, just for thrashing them away. Last week, there was a most amusing misunderstanding involving the new curate.
JOHN: Eithne, I can remain silent no longer... the thundering of my heart spurs me to speak out, speak out! I must impart to you the depths of feeling that dwell within me. It is vitally incumbent upon me that I make clear in the most plainest and simple of words that I...
EITHNE: John?
NICHOLAS: Eithne, I thought I should give you a preview of my masquerade costume, so as not to alarm you later. I am got up as a lion-tamer. It was the horse-whip that gave me the idea. See, with it in my hand, I am ready to drive back the most savage jungle beast.
Crack!
JOHN: I... I... I...
Crack! Crack!
NICHOLAS: What is this impertinence! This presumption! This unprecedented atrocity!
JOHN: Eithne, I love you. There I've said it.
NICHOLAS: Despicable ravisher! Brutal abuser of the fair flower of girlhood!
Crack! Crack! Crack!
LINOLINE: What's all this noise? You'll have the whole household rushing in here. It sounds like Mr Goodman's horsewhip. Indeed it, is.
BALSAMO: What's this scene? A maiden's boudoir and a fellow come in from the balcony, carrying a sword.
JOHN: [weakly] I needed it to climb.
VALERIA: Is likely story.
EITHNE: I'm on the point of swooning.
VALERIA: Not surprised. That ribbon's too tight.
EITHNE: My brain swarms... blackness beckons...
JOHN: I'll catch you. There.
BALSAMO: You seem somewhat overburdened, Mr Straight, with girl and sword. I must say we are forced to conclusions which do you no credit.
NICHOLAS: Don't you drag her onto the balcony, you rascal!
Crack!
VALERIA: He abduct Eithne! Summon help!
JOHN: This is no abduction. This is a misunderstanding.
BALSAMO: It looks most suspicious.
NICHOLAS: Now I see you for what you are, 'Honest' John Straight. You are no humble country gentleman. You are Malkovitch, notorious King of Banditti!
JOHN: That's just ridiculous!
LINOLINE: Malkovitch! The ferocious duellist and fearsome murderer! Against whom no-one would dare stand!
JOHN: No... well, er, yes. That's right. Ferocious and fearsome. And if you try to stop me rescuing... er, abducting this... ah, this tasty wench... then you'll feel the prick of my deadly cold steel.
NICHOLAS: Why, I'll whip some respect into you!
Crack! Crack!
BALSAMO: Caution, Mr Goodman. You cannot hope to face such a dangerous criminal. It would be instant death.
NICHOLAS: Nonsense, he's just a clod and a coward.
LINOLINE: But you said he was Malkovitch, King of Banditti.
NICHOLAS: Yes, I know, but...
JOHN: I think Eithne and I should probably leave.
NICHOLAS: Curse you, Malkovitch. I'll hunt you down and have you killed for this. You'll smile the Italian smile.
EITHNE: John... John... I am recovering from my swoon.
JOHN: We're leaving, dearest. I'm abducting you.
EITHNE: Fair enough. Abduct away.
JOHN: Goodbye all. It's been a lovely evening.
BALSAMO: He's gone over the balcony, and down the ivy.
LINOLINE: Now I feel faint.
NICHOLAS: I'll have the countryside raised against him!
DARK FIGURE: Nicholas Goodman.
NICHOLAS: What, another interloper, and at the worst possible time? It's that Dark Figure again, Valeria. I told you he was an ill-favoured boggart. Valeria? Why don't you see my hand before your face? Why, all but myself and the Dark Figure seem transported out of time! Spectre, why do you single me out so? Why point you your bony finger at me?
DARK FIGURE: I can give you all you want.
NICHOLAS: And what might that be?
DARK FIGURE: Wealth... influence... and Eithne.
NICHOLAS: I have no interest in those things. I am a man of spotless reputation. What need have I... ?
DARK FIGURE: Take heed, Nicholas Goodman, I see the truth in men's hearts that is denied in their words.
NICHOLAS: What if I do feel fondly towards my old friend's daughter? Is that not natural?
DARK FIGURE: Her face... her fortune... her form.
NICHOLAS: All very appealing, I concede. But my current interest must be her safety. She has been snatched from among us by a fellow I dislike in the extreme.
DARK FIGURE: And if you were to learn their whereabouts?
NICHOLAS: That would be valuable information. And as administrator of her estate until she attains her majority, I would be in a position to reward you well should you choose to impart it.
DARK FIGURE: I'm not interested in gold. I trade in quite another currency. The ladies of this company have lovely necks, don't you think?
NICHOLAS: An arrangement could probably be made.
DARK FIGURE: Very well, when the bell of Mildew Manor strikes thirteen, I shall return with what you long for. And you shall ensure I am paid.
NICHOLAS: Sounds reasonable. I must say, your reputation has done you an injustice.
DARK FIGURE: How so?
NICHOLAS: I was expecting more chain-rattling and contracts written in flame and signed in gore. What we have here is simply an honourable bargain between gentle persons of good will.
DARK FIGURE: Indeed.
The clock ticks again...
LINOLINE: Does this mean we'll have to send the guests away? Such a pity, since it's all been paid for. Then again, a birthday ball without a birthday girl might seem in poor taste. What think you, Mr Goodman?
NICHOLAS: Eh? Sorry, can't be bothered with trifles. I have preparations to make. We must find that cursed John Straight. Good night to you all.
LINOLINE: How unlike Mr Goodman to be so curt. He has always impressed me with his fine manners.
VALERIA: Is difficult time.
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