‘Sex is supposed to be a journey’: Oloni debunks eight sex myths
Warning: Article contains adult content.
What are the myths that are plaguing our sex lives and relationships?
From women being less interested in sex than men, to bleeding the first time you have intercourse, there are many misconceptions that may be impacting the way that we approach sex and intimacy.
But sex and relationship expert Oloni is trying to change this. She’s made it her mission to debunk these myths through her online community, the Laid Bare podcast and her new book The Big O, and is determined to close the so-called ‘orgasm gap’.
She joined Emma Barnett on ³ÉÈËÂÛ̳ Radio 4's Woman's Hour to debunk some of these myths that could be impacting our relationships.
So, which rumours are true and which are myths that we should ignore?
Myth: Women shouldn’t talk openly about sex
“Everyone should be able to talk about sex - we’re all sexual beings,” says Oloni. “I think the reason why that myth exists is because society has always tried to police the sexuality of women. I’ve always enjoyed talking about sex and relationships, and of course with relationships and dating comes sex.
“I’ve always had my friends who I’ve loved to talk about my dating conundrums with, but they always wanted me to shy away from talking about sex. I was the potty mouthed one. Some people think it isn’t really ladylike. But I think it is ladylike. We should all be able to have a conversation about sex and we should all be able to have great sex.”
Myth: Penetration alone should bring a woman to orgasm
"For a lot of heterosexual couples, the bread and butter of intimacy is penetrative sex,” says Oloni. “But only around 25% of women actually climax through vaginal penetration and the other 75% of women climax through clitoral stimulation. The clitoris is the only organ in our body designed for pleasure - that is where the stimulation is at for us. Some people still do not understand that.
"I did a live show just the other day and I asked a bunch of women if they’d ever faked an orgasm, and a lot of women raised their hands. This is something that we need to cut out because by faking your orgasm, you’re adding to the orgasm gap. We need to communicate.
"Sex in this day and age is too penis focused. Your pleasure is more important than a man’s ego, so you need to speak up. If something isn’t being done correctly, you need to inform them and you need to communicate... And maybe you need to have some solo sex as well. When you do find out what you enjoy, you can then teach your partner as well."
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Sex and relationships expert, Oloni, discusses speaking up about sex and intimacy.
Myth: Asking for consent ruins the mood
"Consent is mandatory above all," says Oloni. “There are so many ways you can ask for consent – it's part of dirty talk. It can be sexy. You want to make sure that everybody feels good and is comfortable and having fun in that moment. If you feel like it's ruining the mood, then maybe you're someone who shouldn't be having sex.
I was the potty mouthed one for talking about sex.Oloni
"It’s also not just something that you do at the beginning of sex, and then think: ‘They said yes, so that's fine’. This is something that you have to do throughout. You can't just assume that your partner is comfortable with everything. I don't know about you, but I want to make sure that the person I’m sleeping with is comfortable and doesn't feel as though I betrayed them sexually."
Myth: You can only explore your sexuality with another person
“You should be able to explore your sexuality how you see fit - by yourself or with one person, with two people or three... Whatever rocks your boat, really. Sex is supposed to be a journey and an adventure. Explore, have fun and do what you want.”
Myth: Women are less interested in sex than men
"For so long, we have been taught that sex is not for us. It’s just supposed to be something that we do within a marriage or for procreation. It’s not something that we’re supposed to enjoy. Men are supposed to be sex robots and women are supposed to the demure, pure, saintly virgins. But that’s not true.
For a long time we've been told sex isn't something that we’re supposed to enjoy.Oloni
"When I was growing up, a lot of women were still shy or were fearful to express their sexuality because they didn’t want to be called certain names and they didn’t want to be degraded. Women are celebrating their sexuality more and real conversations are happening behind closed doors, but we have a very long way to go."
Myth: Sex should mirror what you see in pornography
"Real sex definitely is not the same as porn," says Oloni. "Those are paid actors and actresses. It isn’t the reality of what real sex should look like.
"I think porn can be great for fantasies and maybe trying to get a few tips here and there. But it is not the reality. You should not be getting any real sex education or even sexual performance education from porn. It's important that we differentiate between the two."
Myth: Sex is less comfortable with a condom
"It depends on who you're talking to," says Oloni. "But I think it's all about finding the right contraception for you. If someone told me that their partner wouldn’t wear a condom because it didn’t feel as good, I would say you need to not have sex with them.
You should not be getting any real sex education from porn.Oloni
"Condoms are not just about protecting you from babies, but also about protecting you from STIs. Perhaps have a conversation about finding the right condom for them if it’s someone that you’re in a committed relationship with. But if it's someone that you're just having casual sex with, I'd say you might need to find someone else to have casual sex with."
Myth: A woman should bleed when their hymen breaks the first time they have sex
“The hymen isn't something that’s popped or something that gets lost. It's just a thin membrane, a bit of tissue that changes as you grow. Some women aren't even born with it.
“Your hymen can stretch through different periods of your life - that could be when you’re using a tampon, riding a bike, doing ballet, horse riding, masturbating – all of that can mean you don’t bleed the first time you have sex.
“And when you’re having sex for the first time, you should be a lot more patient with your body. Some people bleed but it's not a must - sex is not supposed to hurt full stop.”
You can listen back to the full interview with Oloni on ³ÉÈËÂÛ̳ Radio 4’s Woman’s Hour on ³ÉÈËÂÛ̳ Sounds. Join the conversation on and @bbcwomanshour.
