Comedian Sam Avery tells us what he's learned so far from being a dad鈥
Becoming a father is the best thing that ever happened to me.
And this is coming from someone who once scrambled to the front when they鈥檇 just opened a new till in our local supermarket.
From that surreal moment at the 12-week scan when my wife and I saw, not one, but two faces staring back at us, I knew the experience would change me. What I couldn鈥檛 predict is just how it would change me.
Your house becomes filled with love (even if it resembles a war zone)
Our house looks like the Monday morning after a music festival 鈥 litter and disappointment everywhere. It smells too. I always wondered what that aroma was 鈥 the whiff I smelled when I used to visit friends who had babies.
Now I know. It鈥檚 a cocktail of nappies, baby wipes and desperation. But among all of that?
There鈥檚 a warm, fuzzy feeling that redefines your perception of what love is.
You become less vain
Your criteria for choosing clothes used to be, "Ooh, what would I look nice in today?"
After your baby was born it became, "Ooh, what clothes don鈥檛 have stains on?"
A few months of parenthood down the line it became, "What clothes don鈥檛 have stains on the crotch?"
Nowadays you just open the wardrobe and think, "Ah, sod it 鈥 you can hardly see that puke if I keep my hand there."
You become a baby puke connoisseur
I鈥檝e been in loads of pukey situations in my life 鈥 lads holidays, rugby tours, choppy boat trips. I even watched a Celine Dion DVD once. But I have never experienced a variety of puking as diverse as since my twins were born.
Every nappy change is an adventure
Opening your baby鈥檚 nappy is like a box of chocolates. You never know what you鈥檙e going to get. And you鈥檒l probably end up with sticky fingers.
Nobody鈥檚 bothered if/when you鈥檙e late
You are never actually 鈥榦n time鈥 with kids, merely 鈥榥ot late, yet鈥. Twenty minutes, half an hour, sod it 鈥 turn up a day late and nobody really cares. Or if they do they won鈥檛 say anything because you have a legitimate, living (and defecating) excuse.
You feel pride on a daily basis
Before kids, I thought I鈥檇 only feel pride in my offspring for the big things, like going to university or getting married. But honestly? The day my lad did his first stand-up wee will take some beating.
You learn it鈥檚 a myth that men can鈥檛 multi-task
Changing a soiled nappy in the dark with one hand while singing a lullaby? Check.
Lugging dirty clothes down the stairs in your neck folds while performing a backwards dive over the baby gate? Check.
Burping a baby while watching Homes Under the Hammer? Ahem鈥 check!
Singing toys will test your resolve
They breeze into your life all sweetness and light. Everyone鈥檚 excited! We鈥檙e all singing along.
Then the song enters your soul. You hum it at work. It soundtracks your dreams. The batteries start to run out.
The toy serenades you in the night, like a terrifying, Halloween version of Barry White.
And every time you lose all rational thought, consider drowning the stupid thing in the bath, but stop yourself at the last minute, consider that a small victory.
You become reacquainted with kids TV
So acquainted in fact, that sometimes your kids will leave the room and you鈥檒l sit there, watching CBeebies on your own for ages. (By the way, it鈥檚 way better than when we were kids. Although have a word with yourself if a show comes on and you feel a bit gutted because 鈥榶ou鈥檝e already seen this one鈥).
You learn how to cope on 3 hours sleep
Not thrive, you understand. But cope. Sometimes talking is difficult. When my kids were first born, I found talking difficult some days. My sentences took the same narrative approach as Pulp Fiction, all jumbled up and hard to fathom on a first viewing. But I adapted and got through it. You will too.
All your priorities change
Sleep became the most valuable commodity in our house. We use it as as bartering tool.
When I told my wife she could go back to bed yesterday she looked happier than when I proposed.
You gain a new perspective
So what if your sports team gets ripped apart by their rivals? Who cares if your new mobile has just malfunctioned and you've lost all your messages? Your kids love you and the world is a beautiful place.
You find emotions you never knew you had
I look back at my happy moments before I was a dad and they all pale into insignificance next to the electric, all-consuming euphoria that I experience on a daily basis as a parent. Imagine drinking a diet soft drink and then finally trying the real thing 鈥 mind blown.
When your child laughs, the world makes sense
Unless they鈥檙e laughing at the rollocking you鈥檝e just dished out, obviously.
You finally feel like an adult
Despite all the big landmarks in my life (marriage, buying a house, starting to enjoy going to the tip), I鈥檝e never felt like a proper adult till I had kids.
The little moments make it all worthwhile
I asked my lad when he was two, what he wanted to be when he grows up.
"The Moon," he said.
Follow your dream, son.
Sam is the author of the bestseller Confessions of a Learner Parent and you can find him on and .
