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Chart Report - 17/12/06

• Fraser M
• 18 Dec 06, 09:11 PM

THE TOP 5...

Click on song titles for ChartBlog review and media.
听	1	TAKE THAT	'PATIENCE'
听	2	CLIFF RICHARD	21st CENTURY CHRISTMAS
听	3	GWEN STEFANI	'WIND IT UP'
听	4	CASCADA	'TRULY MADLY DEEPLY'
听	5	BOOTY LUV	'BOOGIE 2NITE'
The entire Top 40 is right here...

You know how everyone gets a bit too excited about THE RACE to be the Christmas No.1, and how it's like the ultimate honour and everything? Well, ChartBlog scientists have been working round the clock to analyse the unstable chemical reactions behind this seasonal surge of interest, and have come up with some startling conclusions which could change our very understanding of popular music's wintertime affairs as we, er, understand them.

By chance, this week's chart forms an almost perfect example of the findings the laboratory came back with. This is very neat, and therefore proves it was the work of science, and not just the idle ramblings of one bloke with too much time on his hands. Perish. The. Thought.

So, to the point. While Christmastime in the real world is like the coming together of the very best thoughts you could possibly have about your fellow man, together with the urge to all get together and make this crazy old world a better place for everyone and their friends, Christmastime in the Top 40 is the exact opposite.

Or rather, it's the mirror image, and this wording is clever because Christmastime is a time when everything in the charts appears as a backwards version of its normal self. Up is down, right is left, right is also wrong, black is green, hot is thirsty, that kind of thing.

How else could you explain the sudden popularity (or RE-popularity) of certain acts who can be relied upon to sell very few records for the entire rest of the year? Look at this week's Top 40 and you will see hit records by Cliff Richard (No.2), Andy Abrahams (No.18), Crazy Frog (No.16), Ricky 'Can I Bring Me Banjo?' Tomlinson (No.25) and Katie Price & Peter Andre (No.12). Does that sound right to you? Thought not.

This sudden seasonal success would be bearable enough if it was just a run of extraordinarily rubbish cash-ins set to tie in with a national event - heaven knows we've already lived through a World Cup this year, and heaven is where all the best tunes aren't, as they say in talkybackwards mirrorworld. BUT! This particular invasion of the shoddy-catchers coincides with another, and stranger musical phenomenon.

While rushing about the shops and grabbing the wrongest songs they can lay their hands on, everyone is letting precious musical gems fall by the wayside. Or, to be clearer, people are buying more Crazy Frog (No.16) singles than Matt 'King Of The Jungle' Willis (No.19), or Lily Allen (No.21).

People are even buying more Crazy Frog (No.16) singles than they are singles by El Chombo (No.20). How weird is that? Between everyone in the song-buying public, a line has been drawn. On one side, stupid novelty nonsense with stupid nonsense stupid noises made by a grown-up on it, and on the other, THE CRAZY FROG!

That's like someone saying they'd prefer to be pooed on by a seagull than let Johnny Pigeon's doings anywhere near their finest winter wardrobe, thank you very much. It's almost like it hasn't occured to anyone that it's perfectly possible NOT TO BE POOED ON AT ALL. BY ANYTHING!

I'm not sure where Shakira (No.34) fits in to that analogy (hurr! I said 'anal', and 'log' in the SAME WORD! That's wickedcool, duuuude!). Possibly as a sweet little squirrel that looks like she might run up a tree branch and wee down on you at any minute, but then suddenly turns out to have found the tenner you lost yesterday. What I AM sure about is that No.34 is a RUBBISH chart position for a star of Shakira's insane calibre. But then, it being Christmastime, and Christmastime being the time of things being the reverse of what they should be (as outlined above, don't skip bits) maybe such a lowly position could actually be the biggest compliment of all.

After all, Eminem's latest single, the one he did with 50 Cent, no less - didn't even make the Top 40. Which means he's the KING of EVERYTHING EVER...or the single was put back until the New Year. Who can truly say?*

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*OK, APART from Eminem's record label. Anyone else? No. Spooky, isn't it? Whoo!