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are not the only alternative to television and overeating at Christmas. Last year I worked in a shelter over Christmas and it was the best Christmas I've had in years. Good company, fun and a feeling of having achieved something useful rather than vague guilt at having sat in front of the TV for a week.
Ann, Leeds

What's so bad about the British Christmas? Well, it's incredibly expensive for a start, rubbish TV and weather, too much food and drink. Then the anti-climax of New Year and it's time to make a resolution to lose the extra weight, give up smoking etc, which usually lasts about a week. Why do we put ourselves through it every year? We will be spending our fifth Christmas abroad this year, my only regret is we'll have to come back.
Emma, Nottingham

I'm no fan of Christmas and could quite fancy spending it somewhere exotic. What I don't fancy, however, is queuing up with the 2.5 million others who'd be doing the same. Mince pies and the Two Ronnies it is, then.
Sue Lee, Twickenham

I love the caption competition but I thought you made a serious error of judgement with the selection of the winner today.
Richard Polding Barcelona

You're at it early this year! A bit bored in the office? Here's a handy check-list for journalists to use:-
January = we are all too fat
February = why is it so cold?
March = we all hate the British winter
April = it's too wet
May = when will summer come?
June = why global warming means no more summer
July = why is summer so hot?
August = why isn't it hot anymore?
September = where's the Indian summer?
October = it's too wet
November = fireworks are dangerous
December = we all hate Christmas
January = we are all too fat etc, etc鈥�
John Sol, Birmingham

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Snippets harvested from the week's news, chopped, diced and sliced for easy consumption.

1. The late Alan "Fluff" Freeman, famous as a DJ, had trained as an opera singer.

2. Jan Leeming married five times but took the surname of a former partner she did not wed.

3. 拢6.5bn is spent each year in the UK on shoes.

4. Baby Spice Emma Bunton has a karate brown belt - that's just one below a black belt.

5. Alpha radiation is absorbed by body tissue so the polonium 210 thought to have been ingested by Alexander Litvinenko would not show up with a Geiger counter outside his body.

6. A sea creature from 400 million years ago, discovered by archaeologists, had the most powerful bite of any fish in history.

7. For red wine drinkers, grapes grown in Sardinia and the French Pyrenees are associated with longevity.

8. The lion costume in the film Wizard of Oz was made from real lions.

9. Fridge magnets could be fatal for people with heart devices such as pacemakers, say medical researchers.

10. A healthy eating campaign by Icelandic children's TV star Sportacus - whose TV show lazy Town is broadcast worldwide - was responsible for a 22% increase in the sale of vegetables in his home country.

[Sources, where not linked - 2. The Times, 23 Nov; 3. Daily Mail, 29 Nov; 4. Daily Express, 30 Nov; 5. Daily Telegraph, 25 Nov; 10. Guardian, 24 Nov]

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It's time for the caption competition results.

This week's picture showed Save the Children launching its Christmas fundraising effort with a festive lunch for the characters fronting its online campaign. But what was being said?

1. Graham Blanchard
We were warned about eating at the sushi bar.

2. Matt
Michael hated Christmas, but the LSD made it easier to bear.

3. Gareth Jones
Take That: The Wilderness Years

4. Stig
Out of work actors are for life, not just for Christmas.

5. Andy G
The moment during the family Christmas lunch that Pete Docherty realised he needed help.

6. Nigel Macarthur
Anyone orders the nut cutlets, I'm out of here.

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Well, here's something Paper Monitor didn't expect. The first day of December and only a few sightings of Christmas stories in the papers. Just the Telegraph and the Express acknowledge the start of the festive month with stories on Xmas sales and what a bumper year it is for mistletoe.

But the Express must think all its Christmases have come at once. It's managed to get Diana onto the front page and its not even Monday. The paper has an "exclusive" - although several other papers are in on the secret. The words "cover-up" and "establishment plot" are used. After reading similar stories every Monday in the paper for months - possibly even years - Paper Monitor is confident you can fill in the gaps yourself.

Buried deep in the Times is a story about how one Chinese city dealt with prostitutes and the clients who use them. No fines, no prison - they organised a mass parade through Shenzhen. The offenders were allowed to wear surgical masks to cover their faces, a bit redundant considering police read out their names and offences to the crowd at the end of the parade.

Someone else is named and shamed in the paper's today. Noel Edmunds is allegedly using TV quiz Deal Or No Deal to pick up women contestants, according to the Mirror. Kelly Napper says she received a card from him asking her for a date, which he signed off with the question deal or no deal? Classy.

Probably the best news for Edmunds is that while "he looks a bit ugly on TV... in real life there is something about him", according to his date. Mr Blobby's been saying the same thing for years.

And finally, the frenzy of give-aways can stop now. You can keep your wallcharts and wrapping paper, nothing tops the offer of a free can of tomato soup for every Express reader. And we're not talking any old rubbish - it's Heinz soup. It will be interesting to see the Guardian's next move - Paper Monitor's advice is to just admit defeat and retire gracefully.

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A weekly guide to names and words in the news from Catherine Sangster of the 成人论坛 Pronunciation Unit.

Today's pronunciation is the Serb ultra-nationalist Vojislav 艩e拧elj, . We recommend the pronunciation VOY-iss-laf SHESH-el. In Baltic and Slavic languages, the h谩膷ek or caron (the v-shaped symbol) changes the pronunciation of s to sh: e.g. Milo拧evi膰, which should be pronounced mi-LOSH- not mi-LOSS-.

(For a guide to our phonetic pronunciations, click here.)

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Yesterday we asked how many mince pies did new speed-eatign champ Sonya Thomas eat in 10 minutes. It was 46, which just over one-third of you correctly answered. Forty-two percent said 56, and 24% said 66. Today's mini-question is on the now.

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Re: . How on earth could someone who has rowed the Atlantic single-handedly not qualify for full membership of a rowing club?? Yes, it may have been a test of endurance, but surely, it is an excellent achievement? What more do these people want?
Sarah, Oxford

The words "Nude calendar" in bold half way down seem to be a fairly random choice for a caption, especially as you have to read right to the end of the story to find that it is actually relevant after all.
Ed, Clacton, UK

"", says Stephen Hawking. I do not share Professor Hawking's superior intellect, but it may be reasonably assumed that another planet capable of supporting human life already does so... let's just hope they're pleased to see us!
Nick Jones, Dorking, UK

Am I the only one slightly disappointed with Sonya Thomas's effort of in 10 minutes? The challenge is on...
Adam G, Merstham, Surrey

Thank you Monitor for telling us what the third character in the Caption Competition was. I would never have guessed it was a peanut. Surely with the choking hazard and increasing levels of allergies, Save the Children could have come up with a more child friendly mascot?
Ralph, Cumbria

To PierreZFP (in Wednesday's letters): PM could have been wrapping birthday presents in wallcharts, not Christmas presents. We're no closer to determining whether PM is male or female.
Andy, Leeds, UK

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A service highlighting the riches of the daily press.

Paper Monitor is peering past privacy into the lives of the rich and famous thanks to today's press.

In the Sun we're nosing over the arm of Heather Mills to have a look at pictures of her notes on divorce proceedings from Sir Paul.

The Daily Mirror has usefully annotated all the scribblings for us, so we can get more of the detail on which matrimonial home is in the plans - town or country? Neither paper can agree.

But the end of listening-in on celebrity voice-mail messages is nigh. Several papers carry the admission of the News of the World's royal editor Clive Goodman that he eavesdropped on messages for royal staff. As the signal is switched off, at least we learn who are the top tabloid tapping targets.

With one day until that first door on the advent calendar, the Christmas stories are coming thick and fast. A family-type row has broken out in the Times over whether a goat is for life, not just for December 25. Charities say buy one for poor farmers. Environmental groups want us to think about the long term goat-related devastation.

The Guardian offers a solution for the ethical, but now confused, with its green gift guide. They're recycled, biodegradable, even make-your-own.

Meanwhile, the Daily Telegraph is thinking ahead to the post-Christmas binge bulge with day four of its Red Wine Diet. Paper Monitor is optimistic about adhering to this one.

And in the Guardian, Tracey Emin's Christmas paper joins the seasonal wrapping series. After the bows and boxes of previous days, we're judging, from the halos, that this one might actually have some Christian meaning.

But does Tracey have her dates in a muddle? The design has more crosses than cradles, it's more Easter than Christmas. It's hard to tell, however, as the repeated line drawing print is a smudgy old affair. At least PM thinks it is. Perhaps it was a bit early in the day to start on that diet?

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On Wednesday we asked who had been voted the second most-famous Scot after the Loch Ness Monster? Only 19% of you correctly said the poet Robert Burns. The vasy majority - 61% - thought it was actor Sean Connery, while 14% went for freedom fighter William Wallace and 6% for the other freedom fighter Robert the Bruce. Today's mini-question is on the now.

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Why do live outside broadcasts on breakfast television increasingly need members of the public in the background doing things they wouldn't normally be doing at that time of the morning? Example: story is new school meals better for kids - cut to OB where school children are sat in the background forcing school meals down their throats at 6.30 in the morning! You often see these poor people posed ready for the word 'action' as the camera cuts to the OB. A flexicon for these people would be increasingly handy. How about OBdeviants?
Lee Pike, Cardiff, UK

Re: Caption on picture at top of the story . I think we could have guessed that. Judy Garland was the one on the left of the photo.
Michael Hall, Croydon, UK

I'm afraid that Daniel Hayes is incorrect in one aspect of his pedantry: Stoo did not use the term 'disinterested' to mean not interested, the quoted headline in his letter did.
Jacqui Adams, London, UK

In order to verify you have achieved the correct sitting position, 135 degrees is the minimum angle required to avoid dribbling on your keyboard during a surrepticious afternoon nap.
Nick Rikker, Barcelona, Spain

In reply to Jerry, I only get 30 minutes for lunch, and I can't wait 4 days. Please spill the beans and we will all congratulate you on your cleverness.
Colin, Ipswich

You swine Jerry! How am I supposed to concentrate at work with that "apparently simple question" floating around my head?
Andrea, London, UK

To Jerry of London - Having spent MORE than 2 hours trying to do that puzzle - please put me out of my misery and explain how on earth you get to 8327?
Kym, Bournemouth

To Vicky Stiles from Prague. The solution to you loosing one of your new gloves is to take up golf or become a gangster rapper. I'm sure you could help propagate the one glove craze that I've seen some of our younger citizens sporting. However I'll leave it up to you which profession you choose.
Guy Thompson, London,UK

Re: Vicky Stiles' single glove - she could use it to keep one of her hands warm
James, Lancaster

And I thought I was the only one who wrapped presents in wallcharts. Once again PM comes to the rescue of the social outcast.
Andy Donovan, Sheffield, UK

So, PM is definitely female, been wrapping your presents for months? Everyone knows that men do all their Chistmas shopping on Christmas Eve, 20 minutes before the shops shut
PierreZFP, Luxembourg/Luxembourg

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This week鈥檚 challenge is to find a punning headline for the love-torn story of from her rapper husband Kid Rock.

The couple had been married for four months and had celebrated their union with three weddings.

Well, there were a lot we couldn't print this week - as you might expect. Of course, a lot of the entries we could print also focused on Pamela's biggest assets.

Two of the best were Another one's rite is bust from Candace and No Breasts for the wic-Kid! from William Dewe.

Another hugely popular theme was a certain film that has something in common with the couple's three weddings.
Entries include Three weddings then a free for all from Mark Wrighton, Three weddings and a farewell from Les Bean and Murray Milne, Three weddings and a pheromone from Simon and the rather wise Three Weddings and a Clue from Beverly. Oh, it's so easy with hindsight Bev.

Some were not so charitable towards Ms Anderson. Between a rock and a head case was sent in by Stuart, Between a Rock and a Hard-to-Please by Muhammad Isa and Wham, bam, thank you Pam by Will Parkhouse, Niall Nugent and Bradley. Others targeted Kid Rick, like Ugly kid go from Danny Burke.

But Speed rather aptly sums up what all of us are thinking with I Kid you Knot. But gold star this week goes to Simon Rooke for Hassle off, at last. We all know the great man he is reffering to. Bravo.

For the others that didn't make the mark click here.

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A service highlighting the riches of the daily press.

It is a solemn morning. A black and white, smiling shot of Tom ap Rhys Pryce and his fiancee Adele Eastman smiles out from most of the papers. But it is the impact statement from Miss Eastman - read out in court at the sentencing of his murderers - that carries the heavy weight.

Many of the broadsheets and tabloids print the moving and eloquent testimony in full, and the nearly 1,500 words make for upsetting and challenging reading. Paper Monitor, never the hardest of hearts, welled up while reading it on the Tube.

There is more climate change gloom - a global warming time-bomb in the Atlantic predicted in the Guardian, straightforward all-round devastation heralded in the Times. Bad news too for commuters, should they choose to hop on a train come Armageddon. Several papers detail the ticket price hike which will make that journey to work even more of a "pleasure".

But the lighter side of life can also be found, with a bit of probing. The Daily Mirror brings us news of an ugly night on the lash for David Jason. Best of all, Paper Monitor breathes a sigh of relief as Britney is pictured in the Mirror in a more conservative jeans and T-shirt as she steps out, again, with Paris Hilton. And that paragon of decorum, Lindsay Lohan. So no surprise, then, that Brits is snapped in the Sun sans-underwear.

Meanwhile, wallchart watch has taken a new and festive twist this week as the Guardian runs a series of "seasonal wrapping papers". Today it's Paula Rego's drawings of a bow-bedecked woman; tomorrow it's the big gun, Tracey Emin - will it be Jesus's bed or Father Christmas's tent?

But what's the point? Paper Monitor has been wrapping its presents in wallcharts for months, seeing as the trees and whatnot are printed on lovely glossy paper, not just newsprint. So who's the Scrooge?

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Ho ho ho, it's Christmas shopping season. Yesterday we asked how long, over the average lifetime, does a woman spend in the shops. Just over half of you correctly said eight and a half years, while 37% said 1,212 days and 11% said 898 days. Today's mini-question is on the now.

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Re While I feel that cultural arbitration is a good idea for allowing cultural groups to sort out problems within their own community, and alleviating our already strained courts, I also believe we must be careful not to allow the British judicial system to be undermined by religious courts. Both parties MUST agree for the arbitration and this must never be changed or we will have a situation that faced where the victim's family did not get the verdict they wanted in the Pakistan courts and pushed an acquitted man through an Islamic court in order to secure a death sentence. British law must remain the highest and ultimate law of the land.
Tim, Oswestry

Apparently the is leaning back at 135 degrees. Since no one in my office has a protractor, does anyone have any tips on how I can check that I'm sitting at the correct angle?
Jonathan, Bury St Edmunds, UK

It鈥檚 not just the call charges on the TV quiz shows that the , but some of the apparently simple questions. Perhaps other Monitor readers will enjoy pondering the following example which I saw one night on TV:
The number of legs on 11 lions and one rhino.
The number of vowels in the word 鈥渒inetic鈥�.
The number of wheels on two taxis and a bicycle.
99 minus 19, multiplied by three.
Add the numbers.
After several hours of incorrect answers, they revealed (without explanation) the correct answer as 8,327. It took me nearly two hours to work out how they got that answer. Enjoy!
Jerry, London

Pedantry alert: Stoo of Lancashire (Monday letters) means "uninterested", not "disinterested". Disinterested means to be impartial. Warning to any non-pedants who try to out-pedant me: even if the dictionary now allows 鈥渄isinterested鈥� in the sense of 鈥渘ot interested鈥� I don't care, because it's wrong, plain and simple.
Daniel Hayes, St Albans, UK

Now that we know Sarah (Monday letters) likes burgers and pipettes bovine faecal matter (professionally, one hopes), millions of male Monitor readers are desperate to know: Sarah, are you married?
Curt Carpenter, Dallas, Texas

Re: . I like the sentence "His employers became suspicious and investigated the matter." That investigation can't have taken long.
Robin, Edinburgh

I lost a (nearly new) glove on the underground today; can anyone suggest a use for the other one?
Vicky Stiles, Prague, Czech Republic

Women spend one tenth of their life in the shops ()? Surely only if shop assistants are taken into account. I know no one who shops for two and a half hours every single day of their lives.
Carol, Portugal

Now that Britney has dumped "K-Fed", does that make him a Fed-Ex?
(sorry, I'll get my coat...)
Tim Gerrish, Helston, Cornwall

Steve from Nantwich (Monday letters), you are not the only one who counts the 10 things picture every week. I put forward the term 鈥淎ddingten's syndrome鈥� for our problem.
Mal Walker, Adelaide, Australia

Counting the objects in a picture is simply to check they are tenable.
Simon Rooke, Nottingham

I don't know why I count the 10 objects - perhaps the answer is in the X files.
Kip, Norwich, UK

I'm getting a bit worried about Paper Monitor鈥檚 mental health. His/her usual cynical drive seems to be sagging somewhat, and there seem to be some problems with concentration. There has been a very negative, self-deprecating and depressed edge to the past few days? Is it the weather? Is it the fact that PM never gets a holiday? Or is it the stress caused by gender-confusion? Maybe we should all club together to buy some aromatherapy goodies and a "sound of the whales" CD for Christmas.
Robin, Edinburgh

Paper Monitor, how hard is this Frank and Buster game? Am I getting too old to play games like this now? Can we have a CAdults or BADults site where we can play Old Maid instead?
Tony Doyle

I sense a cover-up. Did Paper Monitor forget to pick the papers up on the way into work this morning?
Elaine, Newcastle

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A service highlighting the riches of the daily press.

Defection, it鈥檚 the name of the game today.

But before Mr Grade makes a call which cannot be refused (Note to MG: Address is the.magazine@bbc.co.uk, please make your subject line "Lucre"), Paper Monitor will eschew the delights of the newspapers and instead defect to bring you a round-up of nuggets from the outer reaches of the 成人论坛's very own websites!

From the 成人论坛 Weather Centre, what鈥檚 the forecast for鈥� picking a place at random鈥� Ashby de la Zouch? It鈥檚 a mixed bag today in Adrian Mole鈥檚 hometown, with lightning, thunder clouds AND sunshine on the cards.

Seeking a diversion while supping a scalding Nescafe from its checked Thermos, Paper Monitor logs onto the CBeebies site to play the Koala Brothers鈥� game. Can Frank and Buster pick up the parcels dropped when the postbag came apart while delivering mail to the homestead?

Left a bit鈥�

鈥� ah - got one! Right again鈥�

鈥� well, about half ended up smashed on the parched earth of the Outback. Never mind.

And in , a spin of the mouse picks鈥� Yemen at random. What factoids can Paper Monitor pick up about the reputed home of the Queen of Sheba? Fancy that, 鈥渢he custom of chewing the narcotic plant khat in the afternoons is still widely observed鈥�.

And in Paper Monitor鈥檚 stablemate, the Editors鈥� blog, a pun worthy of Punorama - Grade expectations.

Enough of this. It鈥檚 so long from Paper Monitor, and it鈥檚 auf wiedersehen, good night from Michael Grade.

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Monday's Daily Mini-Quiz asked for whom did Take That's Gary Barlow once play the organ. The correct answer, Ken Dodd, was identified by less than a fifth of readers, with almost a half incorrectly pitching for Russ Abbot. The latest quiz is on the .

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How come nothing has been said about the , forcing BA to reinstate the lady who wanted to wear her cross? Money speaks indeed! Bravo, Rowan Williams.
Jonny, Toronto, Canada

Were his trousers OK? It's the first question that came into my head when reading that lightening had struck a man's house (). If it wasn't for the 成人论坛 and its sharp news judgement I would never have known - and not knowing would have ruined my day, month, even year. The licence fee is money well spent in my opinion.
Gail, Barnsley

Re: Blair and the slave trade. Surely "deep regret" would be more appropriate and believable than "deep sorrow"?Roger Spruce, Market Weighton

Curse you! I really want a now.
Sarah, Edinburgh

How strange, in your article detailing the , all the entries in the top 10 are discussed except number three - One Night in Paris - which is curiously not mentioned. I wonder why...
Dave, Southampton

Why are ? Easy, their highest goal is bowling a maiden over.
Jel, Swansea

Re: the Times's new font. The word font has been hijacked from the printing trade and is now used rather loosely to refer to the type-face. Originally a font was a physical collection of type of the same face and size. Therefore, to set copy with display headings and phrases in bold type, the type setter would need at least three fonts.
Wendy, Sussex

Paper Monitor, please don't abandon us! I can understand the tediousness of having to describe yet another Diana Monday story in the Express, but think about the joy you bring us. As you point out, life could be worse. You could, for example, be pipetting cow faecal samples in the breaks between reading PM.
Sarah, Edinburgh

Am I the only person who occasionally manages to miss a few lines when scanning through a webpage? I nearly fell off my seat reading 10 things when I saw "George Bush is the first president since Jimmy Carter not to drop off during sex". Sadly, the separated entries make much more sense. Well, the first one does.
Craig Donald, Chiswick, London, UK

I am the only one who, even though I know that there are 10 things in each photo every week, still proceed to count them, just in case? Is there a flexicon entry for pointless counting of objects?
Steve Elsworth, Nantwich, UK

Re: a flexicon word when the picture matches a word but not the story - "pictitious".
Elizabeth G, Galveston, Texas

If Ian Dowie can get "bouncebackability" put in the dictionary, then surely the 成人论坛 can get "Punorama" in there. I say it's time for a campaign.
Nick Comber, Kent, England

Reading your article on - I was struck by the sheer length of the story and gave up reading half-way through.
Stoo, Lancashire, UK

Has the Magazine stopped offering mid-week quizzes? There has been a distinct lack of them in the past 10 weeks or so, which is a great shame because they are interesting and educational, and one of the main reasons why I look at the Magazine.
Andrew Pearce, London
MM note: 1,000 apologies. We hope to rectify the situation soon.

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A service highlighting the riches of the daily press.

Ooo! Ooo! A fun new game, inspired by those Monitor letter-writers who enjoy spotting strangely confluent headlines on this very website. Perhaps Paper Monitor will call it Spot the Confluence (OK, that's a bit rubbish, suggestions welcome).

I'M THRILLED TO BE PREGNANT, SAYS THE VIRGIN MARY - page three of the Daily Express.
POPE: I WON'T WEAR A BULLET-PROOF VEST - ditto.

The mind, truly, doth boggle. Not that Paper Monitor is suggesting that one has anything to do with the other. Oh no.

Meanwhile, for anyone out there having a less than perfect Monday, reassurance arrives courtesy of page 13 in the Daily Mail. However bad things get, at least you're not pictured out on the razz in a navel-grazing slapper dress accessorised with what may - or may not - be a vomit stain and just one fishnet stocking, the other being worn by your new bezzy mate. Classy.

Does said picture appear in the paper's gallery of tired and emotional young people enjoying the UK's 24-hour "continental cafe culture"? No, but it fits the bill - it's Britney Spears and Paris Hilton stepping out in Hollywood.

The Daily Mirror also chronicles Britney's two-week party since dumped "K-Fed". It ain't pretty. Just a few pages on, the paper runs a "how sexy are you?" quiz. Let's just say that Brits scores rather less highly than she once would have.

And being a Monday, there's a Diana lead in the Express. There was a mix-up at the lab, you see, and that led to...

...

...

Oh, now look what's happened. Paper Monitor's all but lost the will to live.

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On Friday we asked the top bid on eBay for the one copy of OJ Simpson's shelved book, If I Did It, that slipped through the net and didn't make it back to the publishers. Only 27% of you correctly said it was $1,600. A substantial 56% went for $16,000 and 16% said $610. Today's mini-question is on the now.

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