成人论坛

Snippets from the week's news, sliced, diced and processed for your convenience.

1. Burglar alarms, traffic wardens and crowded busses are good news for home owners, signalling an area is on the up.

2. "Wet disposal" means a hurried assassination.

3. Despite what the movies suggest, a lit cigarette won't ignite clothes doused in petrol, according to the Bureau of Alcohol, Tobacco and Firearms research laboratory in Beltsville, Maryland.

4. The tentacles of the colossal squid caught by New Zealand fisherman would make calamari rings the size of tractor tyres.

5. Incest is not illegal in France, the Netherlands, Luxembourg, Belgium or Portugal.

6. But advertising wine on French TV is banned.

7. It's illegal to introduce beavers into the wild.

8. Venezuelan President Hugo Chavez hosts a daily radio phone-in show.

9. Some modern cars have a "limp home" mode.

10. A rise in crematorium funerals is causing an increase in damaging mercury emissions in the air from melted dental fillings.


Sources: 2 - The Conspiracy Files, 成人论坛 Two, 25 Feb; 3 - Guardian, 27 Feb; 5 鈥� Guardian, 27 Feb; 7 鈥� 成人论坛 Material 1 Mar; 9 鈥� Daily Telegraph, 1 Mar;

Seen 10 things? . Thanks to Nicky Johns for this week's picture of 10 children.

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So Ross Leckie says that the way to bluff people is to repeat a clear message with conviction and make connections to bigger issues. Er - isn't that how we ended up in Iraq?
John R, London

Re: . I note that when asked if he had much demand for it, an undertaker replied "I only ever had one customer who wanted a quote for the 'total green package' and she never came back." Let's hope that wasn't due to you know what.
Lee Pike, Cardiff, UK

Isn't today's news "" somewhat hypocritical? After all, Charlotte Church is hardly blameless in this area. Mind you I was pleased to see the headline (since amended) "". Which church is this and when is the new chapel due? Please end this headline confusion now!!!
Paul, London

Rosie (letters 27 February), we may not pronounce baguette or ciabatta in an "anglicised" manner, however the English language is full of foreign words which have been given a distinctive English pronunciation, for example chance, centre, amiable, all French but certainly all with a very different pronunciation in French.
Robert, Cologne, Germany

I just scored 7/7 on the , then 1/7 on the , and that was a lucky guess. What does this say about me? Other than the fact that I have too much time on my hands?
Carol, Portugal

This week's , asks me to complete the sentence `成人论坛 ordered to hand over BLANK tapes.' What's to complete?
David Richerby, Athens, Greece

To out-pedant Al (letters 1 March), the title is actually Nineteen Eighty-Four (there's an all-important hyphen in there).
Jo, N. Ireland

Maul vs Mall? (letters 1 March), I think Maul vs Qui-Gon Jinn and Obi-Wan Kenobi was far more entertaining.
Dave Godfrey, Swindon, UK

Sorry Ray Lashley (letters 1 March), but I feel I must be pedantic and point out that cows are colour blind. It is merely the movement the causes the animal interest.
Pete C, Birmingham

And surely "leccy bills" comes from London when the good old London Electricity Company (LEC) ruled the waves...
Martin Payne, London

"The 成人论坛 hopes that the deal will help it reach YouTube's monthly audience of more than 70 million users and drive extra traffic to its own website." () But what if they all want to do Punorama or the Caption Competition?
Kip, Norwich, UK

Re. When new is old (letters 28 Feb), the New Forest dates from 1079.
Stephen Turner, Cambridge

In addition to Phil B-C's comment re. Monitor's gender, Monitor said "Down the local". This (irritating) idiosyncrasy is peculiar to scousers and surrounding areas. I will also bet it's male.
Christian, Wakefield, UK

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It's time for the caption comp.

This week, three lovely doggies look on as a commuter pauses on a park bench to read his newspaper. But what's being said?

The winners:

6. Craig Foley
"Someone was sitting there mate"

5. Ian Butcher
"Go on, read the article about the cat being stuck in the tumble drier"

4. Christian Cook
"We're type setters"

3. David Dee
The voyage to Pluto was a great success but Sir Patrick was baffled by the phrasebook

2. Sean Smith
First canine civil ceremony is a quiet affair

1. Helene Parry
"13 down, Elizabethan neckwear, four letters. Any ideas?"

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A service highlighting the riches of the daily press.

If Tabloid Plc was a listed company on the London stock exchange, shares in the enterprise would be in freefall today after news that Charlotte Church is in the family way. (And that's not a comment on the real world stock market CRASH, capitalisation courtesy of the Independent's front page.)

With her carousing and drunkenness, Lotte, as the tabs are wont to call her, has served above the line of duty for the popular press in recent years.

Her column-inch count could surely be rivalled only by that other teenage singer to have so spectacularly gone off the rails, Britney Spears.

Of course, mother-of-two Spears never let parenthood get in the way of a good time. But pregnancy tends to put the kibosh on late night partying and louche behaviour, and Ms Church has certainly mellowed in the run up to this announcement.

So how do the papers handle her big news?

"Up the Daff" 鈥� the Sun, which notes that the Welsh couple's announcement came on St David's Day.

"I'm Expecting a little Angel" 鈥� The Daily Mirror, although Church said nothing of the sort.

"Charlotte is expecting a little Angel of her own" 鈥� the Daily Mail... ok, the Mirror's tactic of putting it in quotes is more effective.

"Lotte's Gavin a baby" 鈥� The Daily Star.

The Express, meanwhile, finds the hitherto unexplored eugenics angle鈥� albeit refracted through the prism of a bookmaker. "This baby is set to inherit some first-class genes," a Ladbrokes spokesman tells the paper. "He'll be able to kick a ball from Cardiff to Swansea and sing the national anthem."

"We've already been flooded with bets on his - or her - future."

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In Thursday's Daily Mini-Quiz we asked which book was ranked highest in a survey for World Book Day, out of Jane Eyre, the Bible, Nineteen Eighty Four and Shakespeare's Complete Works. You swots! Jane Eyre was the answer, as 38% of you pointed out. Only Frodo Baggins separated her from Elizabeth Bennett in top spot. Today's DMQ is on the .

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At last, a real all-noun headline: "Barrymore home death probe review".
Steven, Cambridge

"My God, it's Fidel" was your . But is Hugo sure it wasn't Rory Bremner?
PJ, West Yorks

So JJ Abrams is to direct the new Star Trek movie. I can only assume that it's going to be called "Lost in Space".
Chris Stocks, Chesham, Bucks

I feel I must just point out that, to be true pedantry, it has to be done after the best time to stop. Your note yesterday (from the Monitor asking for an end to the discussion) is therefore just like a bright coloured lure waved in the vision of a large horned bovine with the intent of instigating an aggressive response.
Ray Lashley, Bristol, UK

Re: maul v mall - isn't Pall Mall correctly pronounced "pell-mell"?
Brian, Derby

Re: whether "mall" should rhyme with "ball" or "pal". Every four-letter word ending in -all is pronounced like the so-called American pronunciation of "mall", eg call, fall, hall and tall. Methinks it's The Mall and Pall Mall in London which are the odd ones out...
Ken, Hornchurch

I hate to miss out on a good round of pedantry so can I be the first to point out that George Orwell's book (Thursday's ) is in fact called Nineteen Eighty Four, rather than 1984.
Al, Worcester

Is this what the Monitor readership is reduced to? Pedantry? Grammar and spelling corrections? Come on folks, you can do better (awaits pedantic grammar correction of this letter).
Eric, Seattle

I should like to remind Magazine readers that whilst "old" things are usually and eventually old, New College, Oxford dates from 1379.
Lucy Jones, Manchester

Hmm, sorry, Phil from London, but I don't think you have stumbled upon the Monitor's regional origins in he/she using the term 'leccy bills' (Wednesday letters). I am from Yorkshire originally and we certainly use it there. Anywhere else, anybody?
Sue, Solihull

Paper Monitor is clearly a gay man. The obsession with soaps only reinforces it. Yesterday Paper Monitor revealed that he hung around with men who were obsessed with how much chest hair and muscles the Radcliffe boy has. For the record I have more than Radcliffe of both.
Basil Long, Newark, Notts

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A service highlighting the riches of the daily press.

Strewth. That silver fox looks familiar. Where might Paper Monitor have seen him before?

He's a dastardly magazine boss in Ugly Betty, you say? Nah, that's not it.

The Toothpick Man from the X Files? Uh-uh. Vice-president Prescott in 24? Nope. An adventurer turned patient in ER? A missing link in Lost? A businessman who died of a heart attack in The OC... no, but something about that last one rings a bell... heart attack you say?

[Sound of penny dropping] That's it, the penny's dropped! Heart attack - just like Jim from Neighbours! And that's because the same actor plays both roles - well, all of the above mentioned roles, says the eagle-eyed Daily Mirror.

While most former soap stars can only look forward to playing a panto dame, Jim - sorry, Alan Dale - tells the paper how after leaving the Aussie soap under a cloud, he eventually made his way to LA. And hasn't looked back since.

No longer does Bouncer the dog chew up the scenery; instead he's the one doing the chewing in just about every hit US import there is.

And he explains why he didn't take part in the recent 20th anniversary Neighbours reunion that Paper Monitor enjoyed so much. And it's not just because his character - Jason's dad and Kylie's father-in-law - was killed off in 1993.

"They treated us badly so I don't owe them anything... We didn't discover that the show was a hit in England until it was on the front page of the local paper. They didn't tell us because they didn't want us to know, because they might have to pay us more."

So not such good friends, after all. Paper Monitor's illusions are shattered.

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Yesterday we asked how many times the US national average is Al Gore's family's annual electricity consumption. It's 20 times - which 40% of you got right - or 221,000 kWh, according to information released under freedom of information rules. One-third of you said it was 15 times the average, and the rest said 10 times. Today's mini-question - lavishly illustrated with that favourite of the ladies, Colin Firth, in honour of World Book Day - is on the now.

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MJ Simpson asks if the Old Bailey has always been called that (Tuesday letters)- it's a colloquial name that comes from the fact that the road that it's situated on is called "Old Bailey". Since the bailey in question - a Norman castle - was built nearly 1,000 years ago, it has been a long time since there was a new bailey in the vicinity.
Jacob, London

And how old did Old Street in east London have to get to be called Old Street? And what was it before?
Aine, London

Is it wise for Daniel Radcliffe to refer to his nude scene in Equus as ? Matron!
Mark G, Maidenhead, UK

Regarding the Times鈥� comment regarding Daniel Radcliffe in Paper Monitor - clearly they haven't been watching the Harry Potter films, given that Radcliffe stars alongside Richard Griffiths in three of them.
Mark Ivey, Hartlepool, UK

Never mind Paper Monitor's gender. With a reference to 'leccy bills, is PM a Scouser?
Phil B-C, London

Rosie, what do you mean, English people don't pronounce foreign words with an English accent (Tuesday letters)? I've heard Chi-ar-BAR-ta so many times when it should be something akin to cha-BATT-a. Focaccia (fo-KA-cha not fo-KAR-chi-a) is another example. I could go on...
Julia, London

Re mall v maul pronunciation. Actually mall is an English word dating from the 18th Century, meaning shaded walk serving as a promenade, and deriving from The Mall in London. This usage ultimately derives from pall-mall, a croquet-like game, which later came to mean an open alley in which such a game was played. The American usage of mall to mean shopping centre dates only from the mid-20th Century. So I'd rather hear the English pronunciation for an English word, thanks.
Paul, Oxford

I shall not attempt to disguise my pedantry, so Mal Walker (Tuesday letters), the phrase "Two of the new lakes are only exceeded in size by Lake Vostok" could in fact be true, if the word 鈥渙nly鈥� refers to the verb 鈥渆xceeded in size鈥� rather than Lake Vostok. This would mean that Lake Vostok exceeds the two new lakes in size, but it does nothing else to them (eg the two new lakes are only exceeded in size by Lake Vostok, and not drained by it). It's a slow afternoon鈥�
Dom, London
Monitor note: Best stop now.

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It's time for the winning entries in Punorama.

As ever, we gave you a story and you sent us punning headlines.

This week it was reports that waiters at the House of Commons have been ordered to be nicer to MPs. Staff must greet each one by name and hold eye contact while taking their order.

They must also praise members on their menu choice and smile as they serve their subsidised refreshments.

House of Common Courtesy was popular and sent in by Tim Knott, Candace, Craig Wall and Johnny Lyttle. Murray Milne had a slight variation on the theme with Commons Curtsies .

Mind your peas and queues from Dan the man and No more HP Sass from Tim Francis-Wright certainly whet the appetite nicely for more puns.

Running with the political theme were Helene Parry with Tact of Parliament , Sean Smith with House of Lauds, Stuart with Ministry of Deference and Simon Rooke Civil subservients.

We end with the cheeky Poor bar-stewards from Jel and Would you like to see the whine list sir? from Stella.

Bravo and thanks to all who entered. See comments below for those who didn't quite make the grade.

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A service highlighting the riches of the daily press.

"Harry Potter's got more chest hair than I have," observed a friend and colleague of Paper Monitor. "And muscles," mused another.

Yes, it's been hard to miss the hoo-ha surrounding the theatrical debut - in the buff - of the young man who plays the boy wizard (and who seems keen to scare the horses - literally, in the case of Equus - with his non-Potter roles).

And now the reviews are in. Who will coin a line to rival that career-reviving and defining nugget used to describe Nicole Kidman's own in-the-nuddy-on-stage moment, the phrase destined to be emblazoned across billboards and endlessly recycled in profiles of Daniel Radcliffe for the term of his natural life?

Fittingly, Paper Monitor turns to the Daily Telegraph. Charles Spencer provides an insightful review, as ever, but "I never thought I would find the diminutive (but perfectly formed) Radcliffe a sinister figure" and "you even detect a hint of Voldemort-like evil in his hooded eyes" are unlikely to have the resonance or longevity of "pure theatrical Viagra".

And cue the inevitable Potter allusions.
"NO POTTER HORSEPLAY FROM RADCLIFFE, JUST FINE ACTING - the Guardian
"BRILLIANT RADCLIFFE THROWS OFF HARRY POTTER'S CLOAK" - the Telegraph
"IS THE WIZARD BOY ENOUGH OF A WIZARD BOY TO MERIT A PLACE ONSTAGE BESIDE RICHARD GRIFFITHS?" - the Times (and the answer to the question is 'yes')

Meanwhile the Guardian takes a peek at Al Gore's rather sizeable gas and 'leccy bills. An inconvenient truth indeed for a man who urged the global audience watching the Oscars to do their bit for the environment . For just how inconvenient, check out today's .

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In Tuesday's Daily Mini-Quiz, we asked which road was voted the worst in the UK. No (pot)holes on you! A whopping 48% correctly identified the A12. Well done! Try to match that in today's DMQ, which is on the .

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Regarding the Punorama story, not a pun entry I'm afraid, but what does this say about the people running our country if they need to instruct the people serving their food to praise their menu choices? These people are making decisions about important issues in people's lives and they are so unsure of themselves they need to be congratulated on the wisdom of their choice of lunch! Anyone else tempted to head for Heathrow?
Jon, Bristol

Did the really open in 1907, or was it just called the Bailey then? Or indeed, the New Bailey?
MJ Simpson, Leicester, UK

Apparently, finding marked Jesus, Joseph, Mary and a form of Mary Magdalene is "like finding a grave marked Ringo next to others marked John, Paul and George". Well, if I found neighbouring graves marked John, Paul, George and Ringo, I'd assume they were fakes; not least because Paul and Ringo aren't actually dead yet.
Steve, Newcastle

Re: hit by cable TV fault - I'm very sorry for each of them, but to be honest I'm surprised the 成人论坛 covered so small a problem.
Edward Green, London, UK

Is it to impersonate a minister? Well, if it isn't, then the boys in blue should start asking questions as a number of politicians have been getting away with it for years.
Stig, London, UK

Robin, mall is an American word for an American invention. As such, we can use their pronunciation, ie maul. We don't insist on saying other foreign words like ciabatta and baguette with an English accent, do we?
Rosie, London

Robin shares one of my pet dislikes. How many people actually say "Paul Maul", for example? And, while we're on pronunciation, what has the Babel debate got to do with grammar, Akilah? Or have I missed something? I'm going back to bed to read my dictionary.
David, Romford UK

In answer to Robin's query, mall is pronounced "maul" in the US and "shopping centre" in the UK.
Andy Nichols, London

Not wishing to be over-pedantic but, Peter Clarkson commented that the statement "Two of the new lakes are only exceeded in size by Lake Vostok" can never be true. Surely if both of the new lakes are equal in size then the statement is true.
Mal Walker, Adelaide, Australia

Rachel you fool, don't do it!
Simon, Milton Keynes

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Re-reading Monday's letters, the Monitor was struck by the polite inquiry submitted by Rachel, from Perth, Australia.

"We're moving back to the UK after 10 years in Perth. Has anything changed in that time?" asked Rachel.

Which set the Monitor thinking... Certainly, it would be impossible for things to stay exactly as they were. Trees have a habit of growing, rivers of eroding etc.

At the other end of the scale, Rachel will surely know of the more obvious changes. Ten years ago, just, a Conservative prime minister was in Downing Street; Princess Diana was still alive; fox hunting was legal and a leisurely drink down the local tended to come to an abrupt end at 11pm.

Thanks, in part, to the wonder of a global network of computers serving up information at a few clicks of a button in homes and offices around the world, it's fair to assume that Rachel will be up to speed with such newsworthy developments.

But, what about the smaller things; the more subtle changes that have crept up on us? The fact, perhaps, that 10 years ago one was expected to pay for one's morning newspaper; that "wi-fi" read like a typo in an audio anorak's magazine; or that one didn't have to devote 10 minutes to trying to remember which number to call for directory inquiries.

The Monitor wants to ease Rachel's return to these shores by compiling a list of such changes.

Send your suggestions of the small things that have changed in British life over the past 10 years to the Monitor using the comments button immediately below, and we will publish a list in the coming days.

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A service highlighting the riches of the daily press.

She did it, she won an Oscar, so that officially makes Dame Helen Mirren showbiz royalty. As such she gets the same treatment as those with blue blood pumping through their veins - any ordinary thing she does makes the front page of the tabloids.

Cue pictures of Dame Helen eating something and if that isn't shocking enough, it's a hamburger. But it provides an easy headline for both the Sun and Daily Mirror - Burger Queen - and for that they thank you ma'am.

By the way, that's another thing she will have to get used to - nearly every word written about her in the papers alluding to royalty. It could go on for years.

The Daily Mirror describes her acceptance speech at the Oscars as majestic, the Sun repeatedly refers to her as the Queen of Hollywood, the Express says she looked regal in her Christian Lacroix dress and the Guardian's fashion editor says she risks "being sent to the tower" for criticising Dame Helen's dress.

But forget who won the gold statuettes, the real contest on the night is always the dresses. PM finds it all so confusing.

Kate Winslet was a winner in the Times and the Sun but a loser in the Mirror, the Guardian and the Independent. Beyonce was a winner in the Independent, the Express and the Sun but a loser in the Mirror, the Guardian and the Times.

Thank heavens for actress Anne Hathaway, her dress is universally derided as awful. No confusion there. That bow, what was she thinking?

After the Oscars there is only one other important story in the papers - Jade Goody's "peace-making" mission to India. According to the Sun, she says she is on a "private visit, there are no cameras or anything". Strange, because there are six photographs of her on her trip in the paper. There are also some in the Mirror and other papers.

But the really surprising thing is the Express. She only makes page 17 and there is just a single picture of her in the paper at New Delhi airport. What's so shocking about that you ask? One of the pictures in the Sun shows her in front of the Taj Mahal "doing a Diana". Surely that's front-page stuff?

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In Monday's DMQ we asked who was the last British actress to win the best actress Oscar, before Dame Helen Mirren. No thank-you speeches required, because the most popular answer (36.71%) was the other Dame, Judi Dench, which was not correct. Marginally less of you (36.54%) were right in going for Emma Thompson, who won in 1992 for her role in Howard's End. Today's DMQ is on the .

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"People who use the wireless net show deeper engagement with cyberspace," says a study (). Perhaps I'm missing something obvious, but surely a simpler explanation of the study's findings is that those people who use the internet more are those people who are more likely to buy themselves a wireless system.
Jacob, London

In the conspiracy programme last night on the , it was repeatedly quoted that "no third party was involved". So who was the second party?
Kip, Norwich, UK

I watched The Conspiracy Files programme on Dr Kelly, and at the end, one of the conspiracy theorists recounted how Dr Kelly's wife had told her that she believed her husband had committed suicide. With a completely straight face, the conspiracy theorist said that people can believe passionately that something is the case, but that doesn't necessarily make it so.
Er, quite.
Isabella, Glasgow

Re, you say that the comic "has to cope with its 'predictions' coming to pass rather more quickly than expected". Surely their predictions were seven years later than expected?
Richard Lucas, Northampton, UK

Re 10 things: Less than 5% of cohabiting couples stay together for longer than 10 years - I take it married couples are excluded? Has anyone checked what percentage of cohabiting couples become married couples and stay together for longer than 10 years? Perhaps your 10 things should read 鈥淟ess than 5% of couples who cohabit but don't marry stay together for longer than 10 years". No-one I know who has married recently hasn't cohabited first.
K, Edinburgh

Re How to Say: Babel. Jordan is right in that babble does indeed derive from Babel (Friday letters). However they do differ in pronunciation. Babel is Bay-buhl as there is only a single "b" in the middle of the word, and babble is bab-uhl as it carries a double "b". The general rule of grammar is, (but with many exceptions, like most rules) that a double consonant in the middle of a word - eg letter, batter, fitter - shortens the preceding vowel. I hope Jordan is relieved that the US version is not more appropriate after all.
Akilah, Chelmsford, England

Can the 成人论坛 Pronunciation Unit help with "mall", as seems to have migrated from the US as the preferred term for a shopping centre. I've heard 成人论坛 presenters pronounce it "maul" (as do Americans), which may be appropriate during the sale season but it makes my teeth grind to hear it.
Robin, Herts

Regarding your story , I have to indulge my predilection for preposterous pedantry and note that the phrase "Two of the new lakes are only exceeded in size by Lake Vostok" can never be true. Only one of the new lakes is only exceeded in size by Lake Vostok, the other lake is exceeded in size by Lake Vostok and the aforementioned lake as well. Does anyone have a more pedantic comment?
Peter Clarkson, Kingston, UK

We're moving back to the UK after 10 years in Perth. Has anything changed in that time?
Rachel, Perth, Australia

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A service highlighting the riches of the daily press.

Damn those Americans for being in a different time zone from the acknowledged centre of the universe 鈥� London, of course. The papers are always forced to walk a tricky line on the morning after the Oscars 鈥� a ceremony that is the pinnacle of the celebrity glitz and moneyed beauty that editors so love these days, and yet which comes too late for even the final editions.

The trick is to draw readers in with an Oscars-flavoured story on the front, while sidestepping the awkward fact that 鈥� thanks to the magic of broadcasting - most readers probably know who won or lost by the time they pick up their morning paper.*

Couple that with the fact that, as Paper Monitor previously pointed out, the collective British press dons a local newspaper mentality 鈥� backing its plucky stars against the monolith of dominant power, and what do you get? A Dame Helen Mirren fest.

The Guardian wins the award for being most sneaky 鈥� picturing Dame Helen clasping an Oscar statuette at what turns out to be a rehearsal.

The Mail, Times and Daily Telegraph snap Dame Helen with Union Jack in hand, as she arrives at the ceremony.

The Sun claims Dame H has been invited for tea with the woman she portrays in the film for which she was nominated, the Queen.

And the Express? Well, the movie itself focuses on the Monarch's struggle to keep pace with the tide of British public opinion at the time of the death of Diana.

So it's reassuring to see the late princess rehabilitated to Monday front page status after a noted absence.

* Churlish though it may seem to indulge in a spot of cross media slanging, but if there is anyone out there who doesn't actually know whether Dame triumphed, don't wait for tomorrow's papers, now for a full run-down of Oscars results.

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On Friday we asked which other programme, as well as The Simpsons, will have junk food ads banned as it has a high child audience. We got you with this one, only 27% correctly guessed Pimp My Ride. Most of you - 42% - went for Home and Away and 31% thought it was Deal or No Deal. Today's mini-question is on the now.

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