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Snippets from the week's news, sliced, diced and processed for your convenience.

1. Pets don't like divorces.

2. More than one in four commuters has bacteria from faeces on their hands.

3. The Queen has a gold Blue Peter badge.

4. Val Singleton not only had a fling with Peter Purves, but fancied John Noakes.

5. Prince Charles could have had a cameo in Doctor Who.

6. Men are most romantic aged 53.

7. The world's longest insect is 56cm long.

8. Sugar makes you a nicer person. But artificial sweetener does not have the same effect.

9. A spurtle is a spatula-like tool traditionally used to stir porridge.

10. The brains of obese people find eating less rewarding than brains belonging to other people.

Seen 10 things? . Thanks to Louise Simpson for this week's picture of 10 plant pots in Hoge Veluwe National Park in the Netherlands.

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A bumper crop to make up for Thursday's non-appearance.

I think I can assist with a legal problem. The has been thrown out because the defendant has no address. According to Google, Heaven is located at 9 The Arches, Villiers Street, LONDON, WC2N 6NG.
Kat Murphy, Coventry

implies the pony had been hit, and hit hard enough to appear drunk. If he was full of alcohol because he had been eating fermented apples, surely that made him just... drunk?
Alexander Lewis Jones, Nottingham, UK

I thought "who do you call when there's a horse stuck in your swimming pool?" was a joke. The answer which came to mind was to call your neigh-brrr.
John R Jones, Preston, Lancashire

Please could you publish a graph of the London Stock Exchange performance which doesn't just begin a month ago (), but which maybe goes back two, three or even five years? Then we can understand whether the recent falls are just a blip in a huge long-term rise, or whether they are enormous.
Bob, Bedford

Having just read Phil Owens' letter from Tuesday, a common trick in the new house industry is to kit out show homes with furniture which is 7/8ths or even 3/4s the "normal" size, thus making the rooms look bigger. As most people won't test out the furniture they won't realise it's too small. Being 6'4" it is very important that I test all bedrooms for size by lying down like a fool on the floor, but I did find one house where one of the bedrooms would have meant that my feet slept in a different room to my head.
Basil Long, Nottingham
Monitor note: 6' 4" and named Long... nice.

I only scored "Pong" on the . It was a much better game than Super Mario anyway.
M Ross, Lancaster, UK

Re the lack of celebrity couple name for Guy and Madonna (Paper Monitor, Thursday): "Gonna" wouldn't have boded well either, would it?
Saffron Garey, Farnborough, Hants

But then the headlines could have read "Gonna Get Divorced".
AS, Salford, England

Well, the mystery girl may have a brother (Tuesday letters), but apparently the rather grim picture of him didn't deter her from .
Robyn, Cheshire

Can I just ask why there is a steaming pile of poo behind the elephants on the ? Isn't this a bit out of taste?
Lee Hall, Glasgow

Even The Onion couldn't make up a headline as good as .
Dan, London

Given the image used , can I assume somebody at the ³ÉÈËÂÛ̳ is a Squeeze fan?
Adam, Manchester

Okay Monitor, I can forgive you for overlooking my caption competition entries, but I can't forgive you for overlooking the deceptively simple yet inspired "pewdle".
Sue, London

Hello.
Do I win the ?
Elbot or Human?

I've written in four times and been published three. Is this some kind of record? (Between me and the other mythical Phil, Oxford, we shall take over the world!)
Phil, Oxford

Dear Sir/Madam/Other,
Over the years I have invested a small amount of kudos in you gained from publication of my letters. Given the global crisis, could you reassure me that this currency has not devalued, but retains its pre-crash value.
Thanks in anticipation.
Yours etc. etc.
Andrew, Malvern, UK

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It's the caption competition.

This week, pets and their owners attend a special church service in recognition of St Francis of Assisi - the patron saint of animals - in Lincoln. But what's being said?

The competition is now closed.

Thanks to all who entered. The prize of a small amount of kudos to the following:

6. SimonRooke
The Vicar of Dribbly

5. theobc
Our string of delicious sausages,
who art in the butchers,
hallowed be thy tempting smell.
Thy day will come,
when thy will be stolen,
and the butcher will shake his fist in the manner of those hilarious seaside postcards.

Give us this day our daily walk.
And forgive us our trespasses,
as we forgive those postmen who trespass against us.

And lead us not into Battersea,
but deliver us from Cruella DeVille.
For thine is the kingdom,
the power and the glory,
for ever and ever.

Arf-men

4. killerjaw01
"'Rrrawl things 'rright & 'rrootiful..."

3. TouringMars
Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned - once in the cemetery and again by the coat stand in the vestibule.

2. gparsons
The vicar immediately regretted his choice of "Walk, walk in the light" as his opening hymn.

1. Dodie_James
Is it by Bach?

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A service highlighting the riches of the daily press.

Whisper it. It may not be as crazy as it sounds. No, not the Daily Telegraph's booming "WHY BARACK OBAMA CAN STILL LOSE" teaser.

It's "Has Liz Hurley had her nipples removed?" - a question Paper Monitor did not mean to say aloud as it picked up the Daily Mail.

Not that she has.

But it is testament to her superior skill with outfits that reveal almost-but-not-quite-too-much that there is no wardrobe malfunction in a dress seemingly designed to guarantee just that. And perhaps a testament to the effectiveness of tit tape, an essential piece of kit for those who dance in the paparazzi's line of fire. (At what age, one wonders, will Hurley finally tire of such tortures and opt for cosy polo necks instead?)

Meanwhile, the perhaps surprising symbiotic relationship between the Guardian and the global grande-latte Goliath continues apace. The muesli-munchers' choice has recently taken to giving away a free Starbucks coffee for every reader, as next month it will replace the Times as the coffee chain's in-house read (for a price - Starbucks does not hold with the tradition of providing free newspapers, and instead expects its customers to buy a copy).

Starbucks reportedly decided to make the switch after a business review earlier this year found the Guardian and Observer would be a "better partner". Hmmm. This perhaps casts a new light on the Sun carpeting Starbucks for water wastage last week - a great story, but perhaps also one in the eye for dumping its sibling after a four-year relationship.

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Well done if you correctly identified Estelle's teeth in today's .

Here's the full picture of the British singer with one of her two Mobos.

She denied that her record company had forced her to have the dental work, as she tries to break the American market.

The difference between American and British teeth has been considered in before.

And Estelle is by no means the first to put up with a bit of oral discomfort for the sake of looking good. Tom Cruise, Gwen Stefani and Naomi Campbell are other famous names to, how can we say, grit their teeth and bear it?

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See the Quote of the Day every morning on the index.

"Just come back from jogging?" - Prince Philip notices a Google developer in a hooded top

The Duke of Edinburgh is sometimes on the receiving end of media brickbats for his public appearances and public utterances. But this observation on an encounter with the staff at the Google London HQ shows him at his pithy best.

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A service highlighting the riches of the daily press.

So now we know what happens when the curtain falls after a fairytale wedding. Happily ever after lasted until "SHE branded him tight and HE dubbed her a control freak" - the Sun's take on the dissolution of Mrs and Mr Madonna's blissful union of seven and a half years.

Still, hats off to both 'em. Paper Monitor cannot imagine spending seven and a half years - let alone seven and a half months, weeks, days, hours or even minutes - in the company of either one. But it is to Mr Madonna's credit that surrounded by fawning flunkies, he has - for which the Independent once commended him.

The Sun reports that for Madonna, a "huge reason" for the break-up is Guy's belief that Kabbalah is "hokum" (a bit rich, given that he has his own hokum about how he got that scar).

Over at the Daily Mirror, 3am girl Polly has her own theory as to why the union was doomed. "They never had a celebrity couple name did they? While we all talked about Brandelina and TomKat, they were just Madonna and Guy."

Even the Financial Times covers their divorce announcement. How Paper Monitor would love to have been a fly on the wall at that editorial meeting. Lacking a showbiz reporter - well they would, wouldn't they - the news desk gives the task to its law courts correspondent.

Her intro reads: "Wealthy men who have long bemoaned London's reputation as the divorce capital of the world may finally gain some comfort in the form of Madonna's split from film-maker Guy Ritchie."

See what they did there? While he needs an explainer, even FT readers are on a first-name-only basis with her.

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"Who do you call when there's a horse stuck in your swimming pool?" - Cornish woman on discovery of drunk pony in pool

Susan Penhaligon was rather surprised when she saw a dark shape resembling the "Beast of Bodmin Moor" in her pool. Happily it turned out to be Fat Boy, a pony that had gorged on fermented apples, became intoxicated and plopped into the water.

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It would seem the answer is: to all those who have sold houses in the past for more than they are worth now. Or it could be down the back of the sofa.
Kieran Boyle, Oxford, England

is excellent but needs to be linked to from the .
John Airey, Peterborough, UK

Re . What's the capital of Iceland?
Answer: About Three Pounds Fifty...
A Morris, Surrey

Maybe the current situation between Iceland and Britain could be called the C.O.D. war?
Paul Greggor, London

Once again the bookies' favourite . Surely if the favourite never wins, then any book deemed to be the favourite must by definition not be. Ooh, a literary paradox!
Nicholas, Wilmslow

Re : Surely she's "to split" FROM Ritchie. Or have they both had enough of England and are going to split. Or to Split even. I've heard Croatia is nice at this time of year.
Graham, Frome

Phil, Oxford (Tuesday letters), "man dies from natural causes" is neither a great news story, nor an unusual occurrence. Leaving said corpse to decompose in the same room in which food is being prepared for public consumption, however, is.
Sue, London

I see that Chief Inspector Studd is commenting on . A case of misplaced nominative determinism, perhaps?
Alex Cross, Shifnal, England

Way to go Madonna - announce your divorce and the FTSE drops 5% again. Ta.
SL, Southampton

*Spoiler Alert*
Re today's , could Ozzy's answer been any more vague? A McDonald's what? They do offer a wide range of products and not all of them taste the same. While I wouldn't personally want to eat a live bat (or a dead one for that matter), I now find myself curious as to the taste and find my curiosity at this point unsatisfied.
CS, Manchester, England

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A service highlighting the riches of the daily press.

It's a reasonably simple concept, "the news".

The OED describes it thus: "The report or account of recent (esp. important or interesting) events or occurrences, brought or coming to one as new information; new occurrences as a subject of report or talk; tidings."

The key phrase is "new information". Why then is today's Daily Express (THE WORLD'S GREATEST NEWSPAPER) reporting today that Ringo Starr is no longer signing autographs or answering fan mail? Paper Monitor seems to recall the story was around on? Or has there been some strange rip in the time-space continuum?

Anyway, there is one beautiful line in the Express piece. Relating a revenge attack on a topiary image of the Beatles in Liverpool, it says: "Ringo's leafy head was decapitated."

But flicking on a few pages we are not so happy to see a fight between the country's top two middle-market tabloids. "Hypocrisy of Daily Mail's 'war' against plastic bags," shouts the headline. They allege the company that owns the Mail owns a firm that makes polybags, the evil polythene things that wrap up the weekend papers.

Paper Monitor had understood - on the basis of reports in Private Eye - that the conflict between the Express and Mail was ended some time ago with an agreement that there would be no more bashing.

The Mail would stop drawing attention to the fact that Express owner Richard Desmond made much of his fortune through tasteful, but now jettisoned, adult periodicals, such as Asian Babes.

The Express would stop making personal allegations against Mail owner Viscount Rothermere, and pointing out that its publication Loot ran ads for massage offered by vivacious, buxom ladies who did home visits.

Has war restarted without us noticing?

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"It was possible to meet the women, the wives or the official girlfriends. Not strange girlfriends" - England manager Fabio Capello on training camps in his club days

The football team's head honcho only learned English recently. But already he is speaking in quotes. And just who are these strange girlfriends?

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The news on Radio 4 on Sunday evening suggested that British banks would be requesting £40bn on Monday. The 10 o'clock news on ³ÉÈËÂÛ̳1 that evening suggested it would be £50bn. It turns out to be £37bn - much closer to the Radio 4 guess. This confirms my suspicion that the TV half of the ³ÉÈËÂÛ̳'s news operation has been erring on the side of scare-mongering whenever possible during the financial crisis. As the crisis is mainly one of confidence (or lack thereof), this is a particularly unhelpful and irresponsible policy for the national broadcaster to take.
Tom, London

Caroline Dalton (Letters, Monday) urges us to stop buying Ringo Starr's records. Well, judging from the chart position of his latest album "Liverpool 8" (number 91 in the UK Album Top 100), we already have.
Johan van Slooten, Urk, Netherlands

Outraged Ringo Starr bashers should note that he's simply said he won't be signing stuff you send him through the post any more. Which implies, surely, that he was before? Assuming he started doing it in the 60s, he has been at it for at least 40 years; now there's dedication. If most marriages lasted that long we'd be ecstatic!
Adam, London, UK

She's !
Robert, Surrey

A 67-year-old paper boy called Stan McWhirter? If he's in the Guinness Book of Records, then that is just blatant nepotism.
Martin Hollywood, Luxembourg

. Is it just me, or should we be rather more concerned about the deceased individual and how he came to be there, rather than the food hygiene issues?
Phil, Oxford

In we learn that the "final suggestions have to be approved by the Stamp Advisory Committee." So do they give the Post Office stamps of approval? I'll be off post-haste.
TS, Bromley, England

Setting aside the , I'm confused by the idea of stamp collectors being "angry" that the Royal Mail issues so many stamps. Why don't they just collect the stamps they like? Or choose another hobby that they'd find less annoying?
David Richerby, Leeds, UK

The is now 0300 1231212. Who on earth thought that one out! Surely they could have thought of something a lot shorter (three or four figures) for us all to EASILY remember? "Sorry what was that number again?".
Peter Brunnen, New Malden, Surrey

Following Tom Hawkey's letter yesterday (Letters, Monday), I have just been repeatedly saying 'booth' enjoying the mellifluous feeling it produces. An unfortunate side-effect is that it inevitably reminds you of Cherie Blair rather spoiling the effect.
James Dawkins, Reading

To Joseph, London (Letters, Monday). It's obvious why Mattel is worth more than Ford? Mattel's cars don't need petrol
Colin Larcombe, Orleans, France

The National Academy of Sciences of the United States () must have thought long and hard about what to call their journal. Surely someone must have been having a laugh...or pointing out some 'shortcomings'.
Dalina, Jo'burg, South africa

Re: - have they got really, really long legs then?
Dr Toes, Carharrack

In reply to Diane, Sutton (Letters, Monday): "Whilst" is used before a vowel, otherwise use "while". This eases the flow of the words, just as do the two different pronuciations of the definite article THE, depending on whether or not it preceeds a vowel.
Photographics, Nottingham UK

David Roberts (Letters, Monday), yes, in fact we're probably all related to each other at that level of remoteness. You have a lot of birthday and Christmas present to make up for, I don't believe you got me that bike I asked for in '92 either, way before the crunch so don't even think of blaming hard times. I do accept cheque.
Angel, Coventry, UK

Reading I was reminded of a new home I viewed where a 'bedroom' was just 6'6'' by 6'5''. If rooms get any smaller then people will really have to start thinking outside of the box.
Phil Owens, Liverpool, United Kingdom

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A service highlighting the riches of the daily press.

As Tuesday's quote of the day proves, there's nothing like a spot of man-in-the-street punditry to puncture the inflated egos of the rich and powerful.

So when the Daily Mirror's reporter decided to make the best of a few fruitless hours doorstepping RBS chief Sir Fred Goodwin, by speaking to his 67-year-old paperboy, he got what he was looking for.

Point of order - a "67-year-old paperboy" (). Isn't that the story in itself?

Certainly Stan McWhirter - pictured clutching what Paper Monitor presumes is not Sir Fred's copy of the Daily Mirror - has more to say than the average shoe-gazing, behooded 14-year-old who would more naturally fit the job description.

Anyway, over to Stan: "That was no way to run a bank," he opines. "The writing has been on the wall for the Royal Bank for some time... it seemed inevitable."

There you go Messrs Brown, Darling, Bernanke and Paulson. In a nutshell fellas, you should have seen this coming.

Another unwitting character, or characters, sucked into the credit crunch mire are 80s popstars Duran Duran, who had the ill fortune to be signed up to play at a Lloyds TSB staff getaway weekend.

According to one unnamed source in the Sun it was "a disgusting spectacle" although the paper fails to make clear whether this refers to the resplendent scenes of opulence and avarice, or simply the Durans' resurrecting Hungry Like the Wolf again.

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"If I knew of any scandal I'd tell you because I think the guy's a pillock" - owner of Peter Mandelson's holiday home in Foy, Herefordshire

Andrew Meek lived a few doors away from Mr Mandelson's cottage, which the new Business Secretary owned for eight years until 1992. Mr Meek bought it off him and on Monday told a Times reporter he had been a model, if rather reclusive, neighbour.

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Re: Ringo Star's that he won't be signing any more autographs for his fans as he is "too busy". I have never asked anyone for an autograph and am not the type to usually post comments however this has made me really angry. I say we all stop buying his records, DVDs, whatever, and see how busy he is when the money stops coming in. It is appalling to treat your fans in this way.
Caroline Dalton, Belper, Derbyshire

Regarding Monday's , I agree that the image of the grim reaper does indeed convey the wrong image to the travelling public. Might I suggest an amended section. Something far more appropriate would be a series of commuters wearing iPods, pushing and shoving each other on an overcrowded platform.
Richard, London

I notice that many of the list of are there because people are amused that they would never be used commonly. Surely the best words are those that are used commonly. Like my housemate says: just say the word booth over and over, slowly. Luxuriate in its deliciousness as it rolls around your mouth - gorgeous!
Tom Hawkey, Nottingham, UK

I'd like to nominate a word to be rid of: whilst. Can anyone tell me the difference between whilst and while? I only ever see whilst used when people want to appear better educated than they perhaps are. Did Nero fiddle whilst Rome burned? Do Yorkshiremen stay somewhere whilst teatime? Help!
Diane, Sutton

Your icon next to GLOBAL FINANCIAL CRISIS (top right on ) on first glance looked like a finance graph with a typical red illustration of our descent into madness. I couldn't for the like of me work out what the grey was until I realised it was an earth and therefore the red lines weren't really a graph at all and actually the icon wasn't as clever as I thought it was. What is it exactly?
SL, Southampton

I would like to point out an interesting fact. Currently Mattel, the maker of toy cars, has a higher market capitalisation (value) at $5.1bn than Ford Motors at $4.7bn. Has someone been putting toys into our Credit Crunch Cereals?
Joseph, London

Looking at websites, I think Iceland (Foods) has an annual turnover of £1,600 million. Seeing as company value is often calculated as three times the annual turnover, is Iceland (Foods) now worth more than Iceland (Nation State)?
Sarah Dalrymple, Blyth, Northumberland

Did I really hear Stephen Fry state that free speech in the USA is protected by the Fourth Amendment (Stephen Fry in America)? Surely it's Quite Interesting to point out that he should have cited the First Amendment?
Gordon Johnston, Glasgow

Jamie (Letters, Friday), I already have that tattoo, though I wear it on another part of my anatomy. You all have filthy minds! It's between my shoulders. However, he has a point, gaydar doesn't work - how do you explain Johnny Depp?
Angel, Coventry, UK

Ninth cousin twice removed (10 Things)? Isn't just about every one in the country related to Princess Diana (and everyone else) at this level of remoteness?
David Roberts, Nantwich

Having left Britain rather hurriedly many eons ago to settle in a green and pleasant land almost in sight, the discovery this morning of the Magazine Monitor at bbc.co.uk is a revelation. No need to buy any more newspapers and create more waste for the planet to dispose of. All human life (and even some subhuman) is there. Magazine Monitor rocks, whatever that means.
Robin Piggott, Limerick, Ireland

Johan (Letters, Friday) might be interested to know that skin-to-skin contact for newborn babies is recognised for its beneficial effects in many countries, including the Netherlands as well as the UK.
Kirsty, Tranent, Scotland

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A service highlighting the riches of the daily press.

A lot of doom and gloom around. As well as the economic misery which has become a daily staple, there is the news that golfer Seve Ballesteros has a brain tumour.

So is there anything to cheer us up? These thin pickings may be enough to raise a wan smile...

Daily Mirror - it does its bit to put a spring in our step, telling us that food inflation is falling, that jam fights cancer and that temperatures reached 22.7C in Gravesend, Kent (Why do record temperatures ) - talking of which the Sun treats to perhaps this year's final act of Brighton Beach Mammoirs - that is a picture of scantily clad sunbathers at the Sussex seaside town

Daily Mail - after Saturday's headline "THE WORST WEEK EVER", the tone could hardly get any more sombre, but there is one glimmer of positivity. It devotes page three to a striking image (right) of a rutting deer in Richmond Park, London

Independent - the game of cricket has brought harmony to troubled classrooms

Telegraph - there are bargains to be had on the High Street

Guardian - good news for the follicly-challenged, with an end of baldness in sight.

Financial Times - fun-seekers should not even go there

Daily Express - same applies, but for different reasons

And finally the kind of story that the Sun does best.

Most papers responded to the news that England footballer Ashley Cole was booed on Saturday with something from a columnist or sports writer about the rights and wrongs of giving players stick.

But the Sun has a a satellite photograph telling us that while Mr Cole was suffering public humiliation at Wembley, Mrs Cole was 500 yards up the road pulling off - with some aplomb - her role as an X-Factor judge, broadcast to a huge ITV audience. Cue pics of glum / happy faces.

And the headline? It's "COLES APART".

Now that might make you smile.

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"It conveys the wrong image to the travelling public and does not instil confidence" - Rail union spokesman on station sculpture showing train driven by the Grim Reaper

It gets worse - not only is the train driven by the Grim Reaper, the frieze, by sculptor Paul Day, and to have been installed at London St Pancras, depicts an unsuspecting commuter being pushed off a platform and falling to his death in front of the train.

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