³ÉÈËÂÛ̳

Snippets from the week's news, sliced, diced and processed for your convenience.

1. People conduct 22 Google searches each day, on average.

2. The European Cup was stolen in 1982 when Aston Villa players took it to a pub in the West Midlands.

3. Stars eat planets.

4. Ray Alan's puppet Lord Charles was modelled on Stan Laurel.

5. A pollen expert is called a palynologist.

6. Brushing teeth is good for the heart.

7. Botticelli's Venus and Mars were high on drugs.
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8. Andy Murray has a kneecap made of two separate bones rather than one.

9. In winning Eurovision songs, one word in every 50 is "love".

10. The risk of contracting HIV is higher during pregnancy.

Seen 10 things? . Thanks to Vic Barton-Walderstadt for this week's picture of 10 daisies in London's Hyde Park.

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Winning entries in the Caption Competition.

The competition is now closed.

Earlier this week, the mercury shot right up for several days, and this man for one made the most of it. But what's being said?

Thanks to all who entered. The prize of a small amount of kudos to the following:

6. Valerie Ganne
The Daisy Chain Gang claims its first victim

5. Bangledancer
Sad discovery in case of missing "Snow Angel" competition finallist

4. Pendragon
Met Office weatherman faints after getting it right for once

3. HaveGavel
If: Hedgehogs could drive

2. pavlovs0daughter
Nick is 'Mr. May' in Downing Street's 2010 calendar

1. generalhague
Sadly Nick Clegg was about to wake up and realise it had all been a dream.

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Re. , my nephew posted a link to a practice test on his Facebook page and of the 10 people who did it only one reached the pass mark of 18/24. One of the people who failed was his father, a 57-year-old school master who has been a magistrate for over 20 years, is a cricket umpire, football referee and was born in South Yorkshire.
Mary, Amersham

I know a week is a long time in politics, but a month is even longer... "marking the fifth straight monthly year-on-year increase."
Colin Larcombe, Orleans,France

- its the only place I know left in the country that still charges the full cover price for books!
Caroline, bude/cornwall

For all these years I'd assumed was just a character in a cartoon, but I've had my illusions shattered by the answer to question 1 of the 7 days quiz which includes a credit for his 'photo'.
Ed, Clacton, UK

Re: causes smoke plume to rise across Birmingham. Smoke? Caused by a fire? Madness!
Sarah, Oxon

I am writing to say how much I enjoyed Dr Reece Walker's letter (Thursday's letters). I feel no need whatever to complain about anything.
Adam, London, UK

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A service highlighting the riches of the daily press.

Here we go again - it's day two of iPad in the News.

Yesterday's Paper Monitor observed the dilemma facing HM Press over the UK launch of Apple's latest gadget: how many column inches does one give this shiny toy before it starts to feel like free advertising?

One way is to fashion a sort of feature piece around the story, ticking the editorial justification box as well as the box labelled "I want one of those".

Paper Monitor even devised its own scoring system - based on how wide the grins each piece would elicit at Apple HQ - called the iPad (Incidental Publicity AccorDed) system.

There's plenty more editorial, advertorial, Appletorial today.

The Times offers several ways into the, er, story. On page three there's a handy half-page illustrated guide on how to use the iPad edition of the Times itself. Further in, there's a spread on Apple's triumph over Microsoft in the "market value" stakes, alongside a story about how the iPad could change newspaper readership habits. For those who might somehow have overlooked the huge illustrated guide on page three, we're reminded: "The Times also intends to introduce its own iPad app."

And if anyone is still in any doubt about what's going on down at ye olde Apple shoppe today, the Times' Bricks & Mortar property pull-out leads with a full-page picture of the device and advises "iPad, you pad". Online there's also a Times iPad live blog.

But just when it looked like the Times-Apple marriage was a match made in tech heaven, what's this on page 20 of the paper - a full page advert from PC World announcing the "iPad is here". And what newspaper app does it choose to parade in its advert? Why, the Guardian's.

Paper Monitor predicts an uneasy nervousness in the News International advertising department this morning.

Anyway, back to that heavily contrived ratings system... The PC World ad notwithstanding, this is a golden moment for Appletorial.
iPad: 11/10

News International stablemate, the Sun, has enlisted the ³ÉÈËÂÛ̳'s Richard Bacon to expatiate on why . As the headline suggests, it's a pretty glowing piece, although Paper Monitor's eye was drawn to the disclaimer at the end: "For my employers at ³ÉÈËÂÛ̳ Radio 5 live: No free iPad will be/was received by Richard Bacon for this review."
iPad: 10/10

It's starting to sound like bonuses all round for Apple's PR crew.

That's until the Daily Mail wades in, with - do you see what they did there, with that headline?

Writer Simon Mills takes apart Apple boss Steve Jobs' promise that the iPad will offer a "magical" e-mail experience.

Swimming with dolphins. Running a marathon. Those are magical experiences - the sort of things that fire you up and create a memorably emotional response. Pressing send on your email is just a rather dreary, but very necessary, part of modern life.

Finally, the Daily Mirror plays the whole thing very straight, with a pretty level-headed review
iPad: 6/10

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Welcome to the Weekly Bonus Question.

Each week the news quiz 7 days 7 questions will offer an answer. You are invited to suggest what the question might have been.

Suggestions should be sent using the COMMENTS BOX IN THIS ENTRY. Any answers submitted using the "Send us a letter" form on the right will be summarily ignored.

And since nobody likes a smart alec, kudos will be deducted for predictability in your suggestions.

This week's answer is A TEATOWEL SEWN ONTO A DRESS.

UPDATE 1900 BST: The correct answer is - how was Geri Halliwell's dress described, after winning the title the "most iconic dress of the last 50 years"?

christianjimmy's What is the definition of practical and fashionable?

Nick Fowler's What even got Freud stumped?

Steele Hawker's What is guaranteed to stop bottom-pinching when you visit Rome?

SkarloeyLine's What is de rigueur in café society?

Thanks to all who entered.

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"It's you, Secretary of State, you've been on our back now for six months about this" - Iain Duncan Smith's permanent secretary reveals the "pesky" MP who has been causing him extra work

When Ian Duncan Smith arrived at the Department of Work and Pensions he ordered a review of a Freedom of Information request lodged by a troublesome MP. What he didn't realise was the person who had drawn up this time-consuming FOI request was none other than... himself.

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How exactly did she think she was opening to the public if it was already being broadcast by the ³ÉÈËÂÛ̳.
Sukie

... oh, you mean divorce.
Paul Greggor, London

- someone send this man a copy of 1984.
sfj1642

So a . However, a councillor is quoted as saying "The PSNI are put on the streets to do a serious job and that is to keep order on the streets and face down anti-social elements. This is like a sick joke." Umm, but it worked. Anti-social behaviour was stopped. In my books that deserves praise...
Tom Webb, Surbiton, UK

The Police Service of Northern Ireland think it was "inappropriate" for an officer to use a to stop trouble with youths. It worked! Well done to the officer involved for using their imagination. Would it have been more appropriate to use baton rounds, or some other confrontational approach? This is the cycle of violence that NI is trying hard to leave behind.
Ian Deaville, Solihull UK

Surely he should just have the area off? (The coat's on already on...)
Sue, London

Wallace Hartley "had 13 worldwide erected to them, double the number erected to the Titanic's captain." I take it this means that there's some mysterious half memorial somewhere to make up 6 1/2. Possibly marked 'cap'; or maybe even unfinished. I blame the budget cuts.
Dan, Stevenage

Interestingly Mark (Wednesday letters) we are bidding for some work with the Royal Mail and they have asked for tenders to be returned electronically rather than the more usual postal route - surely that's not good business sense?
Karl, Nottingham

Large amounts of kudos are due to the person (or persons) unknown who has been resurrecting stories from the archives this week and giving them most popular status. The stories have included "paperclip traded for a house", the French medical complaint of "heavy legs" and today's "condoms too large". I look forward to the perennial favourites "man marries a goat", "penis painted on roof" and anything featuring Drunk Girl. Keep up the good work, whoever you are.
Ralph, Cumbria

I am writing to complain about Phil (Wednesday letter) complaining about all the complaining.
Dr Reece Walker Ph.D, London UK

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A service highlighting the riches of the daily press.

Here's a conundrum that would keep students of journalism ethics chewing on their Biros for a good while. How do you report the iPad (other handheld tablet computer devices exist) without being seen to be giving shed loads of free publicity to Apple?

On one level, the release of Apple's tablet computer in the UK is a genuine news story - Apple is a big player in the consumer electronics field and its technology has a history of determining how we consume culture.

On another, it's all a bit of a puff.

So the challenge is for the press to find a different way into the story - one which acknowledges the release of the iPad, yet does something more with it.

Paper Monitor has established its own iPad (incidental Publicity AccorDed) index on which to rate them.

The Guardian yesterday had artist David Hockney showing off his iPad-enabled art. But when Paper Monitor scratched further, it felt a bit more like an Apple love-in with the likes of Jonathan Ross and Stephen Fry explaining how they use their iPads and why they love them so.
iPad: 8/10

Apple's PR team will be less enamoured of the Independent's take - a report on the "inhumane" treatment of workers at the iPad factory in China. It says there have been 11 suicide attempts at the factory - although it also makes products for other electronics firms.
iPad: 1/10

The Daily Telegraph couches its story as a straight-forward review. "For web browsing there is no better device... [I]f you're interested in books, the iPad offers a wider range of options than any dedicated e-reader..." etc. But just when it looks like Apple's UK public relations team will be hitting the wine bar for an expenses-paid Champagne lunch, there's a "Why I won't be buying an iPad" piece to balance it all out.
iPad: 7/10

The Daily Express enlists a technology writer to road-test the device... on his grandfather, who can't use a computer but gets on well with the tablet computer.
iPad: 5/10

Finally, a certain service highlighting the riches of the daily press has assessed all the articles assessing the iPad and coined a rating system which is an acronymically identical to the name of the device itself.
iPad: TBC

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"Sleeping in the afternoon is like drinking a bottle of whisky in the afternoon - just don't do it" - early morning ³ÉÈËÂÛ̳ Radio 2 DJ Sarah Kennedy on how she copes with rising at 3am.

After Chris Evans replaced Sir Terry Wogan on the station's breakfast show, the programme was brought forward to give him more time - meaning Kennedy now has to rise an hour and a half earlier to present her "dawn patrol" beforehand. But despite the punishing start to her day, she resists the temptation of a post-lunch nap.

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In 2002, business leaders complained that England qualifying for the World Cup in a very different time zone would mean people taking "sickies" costing the economy about £3bn ().
In 2008, business leaders complained that England not qualifying for Euro 2008 would cost the economy £2bn in reduced sales ().
So England qualifying for a World Cup in a similar time zone has to be a good thing for the economy or...? () Has anyone got any idea on what the English football team should do NOT to damage the economy?
Chris Lewis, Istanbul, Turkey

Is that Billy No-mates on the Tube ()?
Ralph, Cumbria

With various pieces of electoral and party correspondence dropping through my letterbox, it occurs to me that, as is often the case, our leaders are sending a mixed message regarding recycling. On the one hand, they attempt to persuade us to recycle as much as possible. On the other, most official paperwork STILL arrives in envelopes with plastic windows, thereby forcing the conscientious householder to waste time tearing the envelope into paper (recyclable) and plastic (no recycling information given). Maybe a tax or surcharge on windowed envelopes would wake our illustrious leaders up to this annoying practice. Of course, they may wish to write to thank me for the suggestion - any bets as to whether the letter would arrive complete with non-recyclable window?
Mark Sinden, Milton Keynes

Why can't we have a referendum to change horse racing from first-past-the-post to proportional representation? This will mean the jockey with the biggest horse will win unless some of the other jockeys can get their animals to balance on top of each other. This would require strong and stable horses and I think it would be in the Grand National's interest.
Christian Cook, Epsom

Re Paper Monitor's occasional topic of headlines that make reading the story pretty pointless:
Presumably, the difference is that people who are lonely are sad about it, and loners aren't.
Eleanor, London

All together now, best Michael Caine impressions () - "You're only supposed to blow the bloody doors off!"
Ralph, Cumbria
Paul Greggor, London
Alex K, Bath
Adam, London
Bob, Chester

Sorry Graham (Tuesday letters), but it doesn't assume you are paid £17.50 an hour, but rather that you earn your employer £17.50 an hour. If there wasn't a difference, there'd be no point employing you.
David T, London, UK

I am writing to complain about all the complaining in Tuesday's letters.
Phil, Guisborough

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A service highlighting the riches of the daily press.

James Brown knew it - and so do newspaper editors. It's a man's world... but it wouldn't be nothing without a woman or a girl. Quite frankly, the front pages would be empty today if it wasn't for women. But don't get too excited about female emancipation.

Samantha Cameron is splashed across the Times and Daily Telegraph front pages for - yes, yes, edge of seat - not wearing a hat. There she is at the State Opening of Parliament, brazen as you like, bare headed. Is this a major sartorial scandal that we are not aware of - being commoners who are never allowed near such events and all that. No, it's just that people usually do wear hats, apparently.

The Sex and the City cast are on nearly every front page for basically being the SATC cast - in posh dresses. The frenzy over the new film continues. After much discussion yesterday about whether the plot line has got a bit too silly (known in the business as "jumping the shark"), it's now down to the really important stuff - the reviews. That being the reviews of what the actresses were wearing to the world premiere of the film in New York of course.

Filing nabs Cheryl Cole the Sun's front page. It's even tagged as a "World Exclusive", as if the tabloids in Nepal would have been interested. She wants it all to be over quickly so her soon-to-be ex-husband can concentrate on the World Cup apparently. Saint Cheryl lives on.

Finally, gaffe-prone Sarah Ferguson is splashed across the Mirror's front page. She's for the "cash-for-access" scandal and he has forgiven her. Phew, she still has a home.

Yes, clothes and men - that's basically what it comes down to for women in today's newspapers.

What would the suffragettes make of that?

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"It was like there was something running across the roof - and it was no pigeon" - Householder in Newcastle who found a suspected teenage burglar stuck on his roof.

When Damiano Rea got home from work, he surprised two men in his dining room, who fled upstairs, clambered onto the roof before leaping off and running away. But later, after hearing odd noises above, he and his wife spotted a third person still clinging to the roof. He had to be rescued by firefighters.

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The current top story is surely contributing to the problem of lost work time.
Rebecca, Bristol

The supposed $120 million in lost productivity is a ridiculous statement to make. Firstly it assumes that every single user accessing Google a day is doing it as part of their occupation and that they're "on the clock". I imagine the reality is only be a fraction of the number. Secondly it assumes people are paid £17.50 an hour - we should be so lucky to have to have that as a world average wage.
Graham, Swansea

No way. I've been made redundant and hate having no money because I was used to earning a decent salary... I kind of wish I didn't know. But, I'm not expecting to be unemployed forever.
Drew Gibson

I most certainly do not remember Eurotrash (Paper Monitor). Nor do I remember sneakily watching it at a friends house as a tweenager, unsure whether to giggle or oggle.
Nope. No sir-ee.
Si, Leeds

Facebook are ? I guess that's why when I checked my account today I was offered even more prompts to make my account public by linking to pages that have been created for every item in my profile. When will Mark Zuckerberg learn that not everyone on Facebook wants to be visible and most people would like some sort of control on what others see. Unfortunately, 31 May is too far away for me and my partner, and we have just deleted our accounts.
Ant, Nottingham, UK

Am I the only person who wanted to understand precisely what the Mexican supporters were shouting every time the England keeper took a goal kick? Probably not, but I wonder if anyone else ended up finding the surprisingly detailed Wikipedia article entitled "Spanish Profanity"?
Oh well, at least I know now.
Neil Franklin, Chandlers Ford, UK

Re overuse of BREAKING NEWS (Monday letters), I'm pretty sure 1997 is when this started. It was after Lady Diana was killed, and ³ÉÈËÂÛ̳ 24 started. Everything was breaking news/newflash. You think "Oh God... what's happened", when low and behold, some footballer has been transferred, or a politician has left his teddy-bear on the train. It's akin to the boy who cried wolf, so now when I hear of breaking news, I don't even give a second glance.
Iain F MacMillan

Kevin (Monday letters), Over the Rainbow did not "run for the proscribed number of weeks", since "proscribed" means condemned, prohibited or outlawed. Maybe this was where the "Breaking News" was?
Julian, London

Hardly Quote of the Day, considering the original story was published in July 2007... Come on Monitor, pull it together.
Phil, Oxford

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A service highlighting the riches of the daily press.

When, exactly, can you be certain that a ? The precise point at which a once successful endeavour plunges into an irreversible spiral of silliness?

One sure sign is when characters are taken out of their usual environment, reckons the Daily Mail, by turning the foursome into "man-obsessed morons" (well, really it's the Guardian doing the lamenting, ).

For those who typically zone out all SATC-based sightings, this is because the new film - out in time to keep the little ladies busy while their menfolk disappear into a World Cup-induced haze - involves Carrie, Samantha et al wearing unflattering maxi dresses, leggings and jumpsuits in Abu Dhabi. Is this product placement on a grand scale by the Abu Dhabi Tourist Board?

"The term 'jump the shark' was even coined about the series-destroying episode of Happy Days in which the characters go on holiday and Fonzie water-skis over a shark. This rule was repeatedly proven in the TV series of Sex and the City as the weakest episodes always involved the women leaving New York (two forays to California, one to Atlantic City) and it is roundly proven here because the film-makers' knowledge of the Middle East begins and ends with Lawrence of Arabia, whereas part of the fun of the show was the in-the-know details about Manhattan."

Meanwhile, Jan Moir - bete noir of many for her comments about Stephen Gately's death - takes aim at . Paper Monitor suspects the Twitterati will take rather less umbrage at her choice of target this time.

"The trouble with Britain's Got Talent is that it hasn't. Not enough, at any rate. Not after four years of exhaustive auditions around the country. They can't even find three amusing and witty judges to entertain us every week."

But has it jumped the shark yet? And how will we know?

And finally, the Sun gets very excited about . Four! And to whom is she speaking?!?

Oh. It's from a 1996 interview with Eurotrash - remember Eurotrash? - in which she chatted about an international "sex phrase book" with Antoine de Caunes and Jean-Paul Gaultier.

"She then began to translate a phrase far too raunchy for a family newspaper to repeat."

Bless. The Sun isn't usually so coy. As demonstrated by the photo which accompanies the article, of Mrs Sarkozy in a very short dress. More of a belt, really. The photo may date from 1992, but hey, look at her bum!

...
...

But what's that smell? It's either the very ripe wedge of overly mature Camembert a colleague is eating for lunch, or it's the whiff of ancient copy dredged up from mists of time (aka the Nineties).

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"There were so many cartoon characters in the bar at the time, all Captain Americas were asked to go outside for a possible identification" - Police report on doctor in fancy dress - with a burrito stuffed in his tights - arrested for groping a woman.

The Florida doctor - arrested during a bar crawl with other members of the medical profession in April - has been spared jail on reduced charges. Police originally charged him with attempting to destroy evidence after he allegedly tried to flush marijuana down the station toilet. But when he appeared in court, it was on a misdemeanour charge of resisting arrest. The fate of the offending burrito is unknown.

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Err? "...the first time the event has been 'seen' so clearly" closely followed in the next paragraph by "although the was too far away for Hubble to photograph, scientists have created an image of it".
Tom Webb, Surbiton, UK

strikes again!
Colin Edwards, Exeter, UK

I'm sorry ³ÉÈËÂÛ̳, but I really must protest. Did some terrible event occur on set? Were there injuries or fatalities? Were there even strange events that forced the early end to the show or some other comical happening? No? It is not 'Breaking News' that someone has won a on the ³ÉÈËÂÛ̳ (or any other channel for that matter). The show was due to run for a number of weeks and result in one winner... the show did run for the proscribed number of weeks and resulted in one winner exactly as scheduled. NOT BREAKING NEWS. Makes me cross.
Kevin, Derby

On Friday and Sunday, I saw two important (no, not 'Lost'), both of which I totally failed to understand (even with the subtitles on). Not only do I not comprehend why endings have to be unfathomable these days (although the original "The Prisoner" may be responsible for that), but nobody will tell you in the Press or on-line blogs what the episode was meant to represent for fear of writing a "spoiler" for those who have yet to watch it on their computer, video, DVD, et cetera. Not that they'll understand it then, of course.
Rob Falconer, Llandough, Wales

If your says something about you, what does that make me, as a R1 Big Weekend-er? I'd hazard a guess at "almost-skint student who can't afford to go to anything else". Yup. That's about right.
J, Bath

About British and American sign language being different - yes they are, but some signs are the same. I work with deaf people and in particular the sign for "I love you" is also totally used here in the UK. It's one of those signs that deaf people from all over the world know AND use. it's become part of international sign language.
Joy Tucker, London, UK

Re: 10 things, No 4 - I think we should be told which one. It sounds like it would be rather a waste of time going there.
Adam, London, UK

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A service highlighting the riches of the daily press.

Lavish spending. Teetering debts. Accusations of reckless fiscal irresponsibility.

No, not those budget cuts. What really excites Paper Monitor is Fleet Street's reaction to the news that the Duchess of York allegedly accepted cash from an undercover reporter for an introduction to her ex-husband.

The Daily Telegraph's coverage is, after all, a masterpiece of hauteur, with every column inch visibly shuddering, Nancy Mitford-fashion, at each alleged transgression of decorum.

It itemises, with visible horror, Sarah Ferguson's decidedly spending habits: the £50,000 shopping sprees, the £200,000 unpaid bills, the staff of 12 ("including a butler, a dresser and personal assistant").

On the comment pages, Melanie McDonagh asks herself which aspect of the whole sorry episode says the most about Sarah Ferguson. "For me," the columnist concludes, "it was probably the stupidity."

It all calls to mind Lord Charteris's best-known characterisation of the Duchess: "VULGAR, VULGAR, VULGAR."

But elsewhere, Paper Monitor detects traces of grudging sympathy. True, the Daily Mirror does not neglect the opportunity to republish its photograph of the Ferguson big toe being sucked by financial adviser John Bryan.

But it runs an opinion piece from its former Royal correspondent James Whitaker arguing that her former in-laws only have themselves to blame for sanctioning a "truly mean" divorce settlement of £15,000 a year. Even the Daily Mail allows itself a moment of pathos, noting that the Duchess looked "drained and despondent" in the wake of the latest scandal.

And the Independent expresses no less disdain than the Telegraph - except it's directed at the News of the World, the paper which carried out the sting. Phillip Knightly, a former member of the Sunday Times's Insight investigations team, sniffs that undercover entrapment is a "cheap form of journalism" which attracts reporters "seeking to become heroes of their own stories".

Perhaps the tabloids just can't get the staff these days.

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"It makes sense to have some prayers for those that want to use them" - the Right Reverend Nick Baines on writing three new prayers for England fans to use during the World Cup.

Father Baines, the Bishop of Croydon and a Liverpool fan, has written a trinity of prayers portraying God as a footballer. They ask for understanding, strength and patience - something England fans usually need in abundance.
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