³ÉÈËÂÛ̳

Snippets from the week's news, sliced, diced and processed for your convenience.

1. Ancient whales had really big teeth.

2. German fans moo at England football players and fans.
More details

3. The process of encrypting secret data in images or text is called steganography.

4. The name comes from Steganographia, title of a book written in 1499.

5. Some 14 million British homes date from when asbestos was widely used as a building material.

6. The celebrity perfume market is estimated to be worth £255m in the UK alone.

7. Wonder Woman was originally an Amazon.

8. A Gazan man has more than 430 grandchildren (and 11 wives over his lifetime).

9. ³ÉÈËÂÛ̳ Radio 2 was once called the Light Programme, and Radio 3 the Third Programme.

10. Withdrawn banknotes are shredded and sometimes used in compost.

Seen 10 things? . Thanks to Sarah O'Donoghue for this photo of 10 flintlock swivel guns at the Tower of London.

• Bookmark with:
• del.icio.us |
• Digg |
• Reddit
• - What's this?

Re , in the late 1980s I flew London-Delhi with Aeroflot, the soviet airline. All was normal on the legs into/out of the USSR, but from Moscow to Tashkent, people were literally strap-hanging. There were seats, plus actual straps fixed to the ceiling. After we (foreign tourists) were seated, they kept filling the plane until the aisle was full of stoic Russians trying to remain vertical during take-off.
It was a surreal experience, made even stranger by the sight of the cabin crew trying to deliver in-flight meals. Every time they had to get a new trolley, they had to push through crowds of people trying to eat off trays balanced in one hand. There were surprisingly few upsets, and I remember the cake being exceptionally good.
Chris, Taipei, Taiwan

What nonsense. Maggots breathe oxygen just like you or me. Mind you, they do breathe through an "anterior orifice" (allowing them to burrow head first into rotting corpses) and ... no, that's enough.
Dr Reece Walker, London, UK

As I wipe away the tears at the prospect of , I wonder what our overseas contributors to Magazine Monitor make of it and whether they can cite any parallels? Before anyone asks, by the way, most of my father's side of the family can lay claim to the Bow Bells eligibility factor, so I'm genuinely in a right two and eight over all this.
Neil Franklin, Chandlers Ford, UK

How on earth do we know that ? My brother was born in 1970, and he's only 39. I imagine he's pretty typical.
Adam, London, UK
Monitor note: Mine too.

Could I remind the people that run our road and rail systems that in about five or six months' time, it will be winter. It will get cold, and will quite possibly snow. I am writing now to give them plenty of warning, as they seem incapable of predicting winter for themselves.
Michael Hall, Croydon, UK

is taking its World Cup theme a little too far. My correct answer of Terence Stamp was deemed wrong by the answer elves in the final question - disallowed goals, anyone?
Karen, Colchester
Monitor note: Apologies. After consulting video technology, we concede that this indeed should be reflected in your scoreline.

My employer's attempt to prevent people from watching football at work has had the side-effect of breaking the. For the duration of the World Cup, please could you provide an alternative version for the technologically impoverished - smoke signals or Semaphore, perhaps - so I can indulge in my regular Friday lunchtime ritual of failure and humiliation.
Elaine, Cowes, Isle of Wight

Re Murray being Scottish or British (past Paper Monitors and Your Letters), it seems the Spanish papers have their own version: Murray is British, but .... "Rafa is the man to beat," says Spanish sports paper Marca. "Much of the outcome will depend on how the Briton copes with the pressure and the Balearic responds physically." New conspiracy theory required please!
Mel, Newcastle, UK

Okay, Phil, it's untrendy to say "trendy" (Thursday letters). But it's also unhip to say "hip"...
Luisa, Frome

Err... I may have boobed a little. I obviously neglected that in Jude's missive on Monday she made mention of the fact she already has a husband. And that she lives in Australia. That's another rash wedding proposal down the drain then.
Basil Long, Nottingham

Basil (Thursday letters), it is small wonder your dog was ill, it's a well known fact that chocolate is very poisonous to dogs. Besides, Topics are so clearly the best one.
Melissa, Norwich

Basil, if you have coffee cremes going a-begging, send them on to me, they are my absolute favourites.
Valerie, Johnstone, Renfreshire

• Bookmark with:
• |
• |
• - What's this?

Winning entries in the Caption Competition.

The competition is now closed.

This week, it's Flaming Lips frontman Wayne Coyne at Glastonbury (in a giant bubble).

Thanks to all who entered. The prize of a small amount of kudos to the following:

6. BeckySnow
4am at the 24 hour garage.

5. Vicky S 
Everyone agreed that the manicure tent was a great addition to the Glastonbury experience.

4. Kudosless 
The Flaming Lips had been unaware they had such a strong Argentinean following.

3. rogueslr
The fourth official can at last be used effectively to see whether the ball did cross the line.

2.Tremorman
David Blaine tries pop.

1. GreatUncleBulgariaJr 
"Tonight Matthew, I'm going to be Michael Bubbly."

• Bookmark with:
• |
• |
• - What's this?

A service highlighting the riches of the daily press.

Ooooh, the intrigue! What a tangled web we weave, when first we try to sell a story to the papers.

The British ex-husband of the flame-haired and pouty one accused by the FBI of being a Russian spy has broken his silence about their time together, married when she was 19 and he 21.

Alex Chapman's story - and photo album - is spread all over the Daily Telegraph (), an interview the .

"He is believed to have negotiated a four-figure sum for an interview with the Daily Telegraph, saying the money is needed to complete his studies as a psychology student or, as he later claimed, to 'get through medical school'."

The Times - who he obviously also spoke to at length - reveals that on Wednesday, a woman from MI5 telephoned Mr Chapman. "She advised him not to talk to the press."

Given that he and his mother and father are now represented - with crushing inevitability - by Max Clifford, Mr Chapman chose to ignore her advice.

"Undeterred, Mr Chapman contacted The Times that evening to tell - and try to sell - his story of the spy he thought had loved him... He claimed to have taught her everything she knows about the world of commerce and to having set up a family business that he described as 'a competitor to Western Union'... The reality, as with so much of the story surrounding Anna Chapman, is substantially more prosaic... Southern Union still exists but has less than £10,000 in the bank."

But wait, there's more! The Times pitches up at the couple's tiny former flat in Stoke Newington after a cat-and-mouse game involving Companies House, a man listed on official documents as not just being co-director with the former Mr and Mrs Chapman but living at their flat, and his denials of any knowledge - including saying the signature given is not his own.

"Neighbours said that two men unknown men in suits, described as having an 'air of menace', arrived there yesterday asking questions. Candida Doyle, 46, a councillor and former keyboard player with the pop group Pulp, recalled seeing..."

"...former keyboard player with the pop group Pulp..."

"...recalled seeing Alex Chapman. 'He was very handsome,' she said. 'I remember seeing him sitting on the bench with a bunch of flowers. It was on Valentine's Day and he was writing a card, and I was really jealous.'"

No, that's enough. Newspapers, with these bizarre snippets, you are spoiling us.

• Bookmark with:
• |
• |
• - What's this?

"Not big enough to play James Bond, not small enough to be adopted by Madonna" - The diminutive Ronnie Corbett on his lack of height

Mr Corbett was sympathising with the Speaker of the House, John Bercow, who was described by one MP as a ""stupid, sanctimonious dwarf".

• Bookmark with:
• del.icio.us |
• Digg |
• Reddit
• - What's this?

Welcome to the Weekly Bonus Question.

Each week the news quiz 7 days 7 questions will offer an answer. You are invited to suggest what the question might have been.

Suggestions must be sent by submitting a comment BELOW, where it says "Comments". Entries via the "Send us a letter" form on the right will be summarily ignored.

And since nobody likes a smart alec, kudos will be deducted for predictability in your suggestions.

This week's answer is PUBLIC SEX ENVIRONMENTS.

Update 1600 BST: It's one of the many guidance manuals on policiing methods issued in the past year ().

Of your deliberately and amusingly wrong questions, we liked:

• scott's What is Russel Brand an outspoken patron of?
• Pendragon's What is the new unitary authority for Middlesex, Essex and Sussex to be known as?
• SimonRooke's How do OFSTED refer to the 'bike sheds' at my old school?
• BeckySnow's The new term for dogging areas to help people who just want to exercise their Labradors?
• Nick Fowler's But where do I put the "Watching Area" sign, Guv?
• and rogueslr's Where's the best place to find decommissioned helmets?

Thanks to all who took part.

• Bookmark with:
• |
• |
• - What's this?

Paper Monitor, the nearest I can find to a Scottish Wimbledon singles men's champion is Harold Mahoney, champion in 1896. He was Irish, but born in Edinburgh. The 1890s seemed to be a good era for Irishmen at Wimbledon, with wins also for Willoughby Hamilton (1890) and Joshua Pim (1893, 1894). Until 1910, Brits had won all but one of the men's singles. Since 1910 Fred Perry has been the only one to do so.
Tiger Tim, London

Paper Monitor has been fretting lately over Andy Murray's nationality. This is easily cleared up with a visit to the .
Julio Allen, Manchester

Are the writers making a joke when they use an outmoded word like "" to describe something hip?
Phil, Guisborough

From , "...I see a maggot looking back at me and I'm thinking, 'These are anaerobic, flesh-eating larvae..."
As one typically does!
Carl Evans, Crepy-en-Valois, France

Die Hard smells like Christmas.
lolainlondon

Blood, sweat and explosions?
Matthew Peter Wood

I told my colleagues about the and we had a competition to come up with the best branding. The best was "Touch of Willis: A feel of true manhood", just to get the innuendos flowing.
Liam, Northampton

Mark (Wednesday letters), you're forgetting that when driving, you spend considerably less time at junctions than on other parts of the road; hence junctions are proportionally more dangerous. Similarly, fewer than 25% of road users are motorcyclists, but they are involved in 25% of accidents, showing biking to be relatively more dangerous than driving a car.
David T, London, UK

Jo (Wednesday letters) are they very very small or are they very far away?
Jenn, Porthcawl, Bridgend

Jude (Monday letters) marry me! When we go round to my parents for Christmas, the Topics are all left at the bottom of the variety tub. They have become the modern day equivalent of the dreaded coffee creme. Last year there were so many the dog was poorly.
Basil Long, Nottingham

• Bookmark with:
• |
• |
• - What's this?

A service highlighting the riches of the daily press.

More news from the Andy Murray Scottish or British front? Yesterday's Paper Monitor decided to get its hands dirty in the festering pool of newspaper mythology by asking if there's any truth in the oft-stated observation that Andy Murray's nationality wavers with his fortunes.

When he's winning, he is billed in the pages of the press as a Brit. When he's losing he's a Scot.

To get to the root of the matter, Paper Monitor commissioned an elaborate scientific study which involved combing through several columns of newsprint. It took, oooh, at least 10 minutes.

The results were inconclusive - some papers called Murray a Brit, some called him a Scot and some called .

But new evidence from sources close to Paper Monitor - er, the newspapers - today reveals evidence of a strengthening of the conspiracy theory.

At first mention the Independent notes Murray is "within two victories of becoming the first British man to win the singles title...".

The Guardian notes he is "determined to end Britain's long wait...".

The Times says Murray's ambition is to become a grand-slam champion for the first time "on the courts that have condemned British men to 74 years of torture", while the Sun introduces our clenched-fisted hero as "the last Brit standing".

The Star says he is now "one win away from becoming the first Brit since Bunny Austin in 1938 to reach the men's final".

There's not a lot of Scottishness going on here guys.

The Mirror maybe gets closest to satisfying those north and south of the border - identifying Murray initially as a Scot in the same sentence as noting he could be the first British men's Grand Slam champ since 1936.

But surely there's a good reason all this. The papers are identifying Murray as a Brit in the context of the absence of recent British winners at Wimbledon.

The question that no one answers is when, if ever, was the last Scottish men's singles Wimbledon winner? Answers on an e-mail to Your Letters etc

• Bookmark with:
• |
• |
• - What's this?

"He was not wearing a belt and the trousers came loose and fell" - spokesman of Mayor of Leicester makes an apology

Bad day at the office for Councillor Colin Hall, the Mayor of Leicester, whose trousers accidentally fell down while he was speaking at an educational event for schoolchildren. Maybe his hard work with fitness trainer Rosemary Conley is paying off.

• Bookmark with:
• del.icio.us |
• Digg |
• Reddit
• - What's this?

Can someone from north of the border tell us whether the press there refer to Andy Murray as Scotland's No 1 (re Paper Monitor)?
Francis, Watford

The article has sub heading "Junction danger" and goes on to explain that a third of all fatal and serious crashes happen at junctions. So, using the ³ÉÈËÂÛ̳'s excellent series on statistics, that tells us 66% of accidents didn't happen at a junction, therefore junctions are, in fact, safer. Likewise, 75% of accidents don't involve motorcycles (being a biker, I am glad about that).
Mark, Bridge

Jenn, Porthcawl, Bridgend

I too was an Englishwoman surrounded by Germans (re Tuesday's Paper Monitor), as I chose to watch the game in a Munich Biergarten. It was an interesting and slightly unnerving experience - it's very odd not to be cheering when the rest of the several thousand spectators are. However, the oddest and most surreal moment happened following the final whistle. Whilst I hung my head in shame, Baddiel and Skinner's Three Lions started playing in the commentary interludes. I've quizzed my German friends on this, and it's regarded as a catchy tune that mentions the word "football", and they apparently have no idea about the subtleties of the lyrics.
Libby Jackson, Munich, Germany

PJM - and Stuart Maconie, although I doubt he'll be reading (Tuesday letters), penicillin may have been discovered by a Scot, but it was "given to the world" as a useable medicine by the team of Howard Walter Florey (Australian), Ernst Chain (German) and the English biochemist Norman Heatley. So although all the work was done in the UK, it could really be called a global discovery.
Hannah, Oxford

I don't wish to be even more of a pedant, but the primates in the 10 things... photo are Celebes Apes. However, they are in fact monkeys, despite their name, and are also known as black macaques. They do have tails, but only short stubs, hence why they can't be seen. So both previous pedants were technically correct (Tuesday letters). Do I win some sort of award for out-pedanting?
Rob, London, UK

I don't want to be a pedant either but the picture is in fact of Sulawesi Crested Macaques. These are monkeys, although it looks like they have no tail, they do it's just very, very small.
Jo, Reading (soon to be elsewhere)

• Bookmark with:
• |
• |
• - What's this?

A service highlighting the riches of the daily press.

So, Andy Murray. British or Scottish?

Conspiracy theorists are fond of repeating the adage that the media always calls him British when he's doing well, and Scottish when he's not. Typical metrocentric knit-your-own-iPad media elite, they grumble.

So, is this true? With Murray on court today in the men's quarter-finals at Wimbledon, Paper Monitor scours the match previews in today's papers for how they first mention his nationality:

• "Second semi-final awaits the Scot if he continues his incredible run against Tsonga today" - Daily Telegraph
• "... extraordinary self-belief oozing from the Scot" - Daily Express
• "The Scot has beaten his French opponents on the last 22 times they have met" - Daily Star
• "The 23-year-old Scot..." - Daily Mail
• "The Scottish Braveheart..." - Daily Mirror

• "But while Britain's No 1 has all eyes turned..." - Times
• "Unlike the not-so-great Britons who could not hack the attention at Wimbledon over the opening two days, Murray will be loving it" - Sun
• "Briton brushes off pressure of Wimbledon as he prepares to take on Tsonga" - Independent

But the Guardian has all bases covered, referring to him as "world No 4", "the Scot" and "Britain's No 1" in quick succession.

One suspects such an inexhaustive survey will do little to challenge the "British when winning" theory. Not least because firmly-held beliefs are hard to shake.

And finally, one theory that holds as much water as you care to pour into it is Paper Monitor's supposition that an interesting story becomes even more newsworthy when it happens to an attractive young woman.

Can you guess which of the 10 suspected Russian spies is chosen to grace the front pages? Why, it's flame-haired Anna Chapman, 28, who helpfully posted various come-hither photos of herself on social networking sites. That's the front pages sorted then...

• Bookmark with:
• |
• |
• - What's this?

"I have tried to minimise the situation by having sex in the morning - not at night - so the noise was not waking anybody" - Woman spared jail after breaking her Asbo - again - by having noisy romps.

Caroline Cartwright has been banned from "shouting, screaming or vocalisation" while making love with husband, Steve, but says she just can't help herself. In court, she was told she would end up in prison if she broke the anti-social behaviour order again, as her neighbours were "entitled to live peacefully and not be exposed to excessive, irritating and upsetting noise".

• Bookmark with:
• del.icio.us |
• Digg |
• Reddit
• - What's this?

Having performed a very scientific investigation in to Ellie's Bounty bar theory (that is, a Facebook status reading "Who likes bounty bars?"), I can conclude that Bounty bars are liked by marginally more women than men. So there you go.
Luisa, Frome

On the Topic (I thank you) of Bounty bars, has anyone else noticed WH Smith's strange pricing strategy vis-à-vis red and blue. The milk chocolate bars are about 20p cheaper - because they are a popular confectionery item. I blame the credit crunch(ie).
Gail Roebuck, Bromsgrove

Lisa (Monday letters). The reason it is "roughly 50/50" is because two of the German wins were on penalties. So it depends if you want to count the penalty wins as wins or not.
Amy, Norwich

I hate to tell you this, Tanya (Monday letters) (and do all replies to pedants start out this way?), but as a former primatologist I'm afraid that yes, indeed those are monkeys (macaques) and they appear to be very cleverly hiding their tails.
Scott L, Atlanta GA, US

"We did give the world penicillin" (Stuart Maconie, Paper Monitor, Monday). Did you? I always believed it to be Scottish scientist and Nobel laureate Alexander Fleming in 1928.
Or is this a "British" thing?
PJM, Beckenham, Kent

Re I wonder what Dr Andrew Murray will give as an excuse when his namesake fails to win at Wimbledon.
Paul, Marlow, UK

So the . What about plumbers and electricians?
Graeme Wilson, Dunfermline

I know a lot of people dislike football supporters, but I was still surprised to find that "harbouring a fan" .
Edward Green, London, UK

• Bookmark with:
• |
• |
• - What's this?

A service highlighting the riches of the daily press.

Paper Monitor is brimming with admiration for one hack this morning. The Daily Mirror put a journalist into Hamburg's Hyundai Fan Park on Sunday to watch the England-Germany match.

He was an Englishman surrounded by 50,000 Germans. Had a German newspaper editor dreamed up a similar stunt in England, they might well be currently acquainting themselves with the vagaries of the (that's the E1-11 to all you old skoolers).

But there was no hint of animosity and unfurled his St George's flag. Instead he was greeted with a chorus of mooing.

No, that's s not a typo. It wasn't booing, but mooing.

Why do our Continental cousins emit a bovine bawl when they catch sight of an Englishman in their midsts, wondered our intrepid reporter.

"We make that noise whenever England play because everybody knows the English started mad cow disease," he was told by a fan.

Sad, isn't it, how the Germans reach for an outdated stereotype when they seek to make fun of the English. Er...

When the match ended, the sound of Queen's We Are The Champions rang out - a reminder that the English at least still have a cultural, if not footballing, impact on foreign shores.

Elsewhere, the Mirror's red-top rival was also getting creative in trying to reflect the post-tournament gloom.

Across a UK weather map on its front page, the Sun's headline said: "Sunny outlook in many areas but depression over Heathrow as shower drifts in from South Africa".

Sends a chill down your back, doesn't it.

• Bookmark with:
• |
• |
• - What's this?

"Bus sotp" - yellow painted sign on the road in Dewsbury

Oops. Spelling wasn't a strong point for the highways worker who painted this sign on to the road in Dewsbury, West Yorkshire. Council bosses quickly repainted it, after it was pointed out by local residents, Richard and Lyn. Not Lynne Truss, we hope...

• Bookmark with:
• del.icio.us |
• Digg |
• Reddit
• - What's this?

Re: . It's a good job that the thieves didn't steal the toilets otherwise the police wouldn't have had anything to go on. Mind you, if the thieves had raided the police dog supplies the police could have followed several leads... I'll get me coat.
Mike Harper, Devon

Now that are out of the World Cup the M25 will no longer have those golden 100 or so blissful minutes when there is very little traffic on it. Back to queueing then it seems. Darn you Germany!
Martin, High Wycombe, UK

Brilliant comment from someone called Tony Grant in the Magazine archive piece on .
"Put your flag in the washing machine on a hot wash until it becomes pink. Then you can easily turn it into a big girls blouse!"
Chris Laidler

Regarding the and the question regarding the England Vs Germany stats. "It's roughly 50/50. England have won 12, Germany have won 12" Erm...does 12 all not make it exactly 50/50? Or is it just me?.
Lisa, Reading, UK

General McCrystal eats only one square meal a day. I guess the rest of his meals are rectangles and circles. Maybe, that is why he saw the White HOuse folks as wimps.
Kamaroon, Kandy Sri Lanka

I don't want to be a pedant, but... (by the way, do all pedants' letters start like this?) This week's 10 things picture from Boakesey doesn't appear to contain any monkeys at all. Monkeys have tails so unless they are all playing 'tuck your tails in to confuse the photographer', my guess is that what has been snapped is 10 apes.
Tanya, Reading, UK

Ellie (Friday's letters), Bounty bars are one of my favourites, and I regularly switch between milk and dark chocolate at will. I don't eat meat, but I eat fish and seafood. I'm 6ft 5ins tall (I don't do height in metric) and weigh 10 stone (ditto). I have long hair and tattoos and an estimated IQ of 183. Analyse that...
Graeme, Woking, Surrey

Ellie (Friday's letters), both my dad and husband love Bounty bars (dark chocolate for preference), whereas I can take or leave them... theory disproved or statistical anomaly? I'm a Topic girl myself, and was rather distraught when they were removed from the tin.
Jude, Melbourne, Australia

• Bookmark with:
• |
• |
• - What's this?

A service highlighting the riches of the daily press.

Where does Paper Monitor start?

The soul searching, the psychological humiliation, the sense of being robbed... but maybe that's just what they mean when they talk about the quintessential Glastonbury experience.

No, joking aside. England's defeat by Germany is serious.

"Message to the England players after Germany gave them one hell of a beating... YOU LET YOUR COUNTRY DOWN" reads the Sun headline. Inside there's a picture of Wayne Rooney next to another headline "NO DEFENCE".

And the editorial notes that "Rooney must have been the tournament's most disappointing player".

It must be the heat that is inducing hallucinations of a Sun front page from a couple of weeks ago that featured Rooney wrapped in an England flag and the words "On the 70th anniversary of Winston Churchill's historic speech, England's footballers must tonight give the nation... THEIR FINEST HOUR (and a half)".

The sense of loss is completed inside today's issue with a picture of Gazza mopping his tears in the 1990 semi-final, alongside one of him, minus many hair follicles, doing the same again yesterday.

Or is the England legend actually just mopping some sweat from his cheek on what was, after all, the hottest day of the year?

The Daily Mirror is perhaps a little more tempered in its heartache; a little more philosophical in its ruminations.

Unlike the Sun, it's not the only story in its comment column. There's "10 reasons to be cheerful" and then "10 more..." And here's Stuart Maconie weighing in with a his trademark "so it goes" smile, trying to throw some perspective of bruised English egos:

"We did give the world penicillin and passenger trains and the world wide web and the iPod. But within 10 minutes every country had a better railway system. And if we'd had to market, distribute and promote the iPod it would be the size of a wardrobe and only play Oasis."

Wow, this is starting to work wonders on Paper Monitor, which, despite being of no discernible gender or indeed national provenance, might nevertheless have wanted an England win.

And it is with this feel-better feeling starting to spread, aided undoubtedly by the hot weather, that we welcome back Brighton Beach Mammoirs.

Those loyal to this column will be familiar with this occasional strand which records soaring temperatures by picturing scantily clad sun revellers on the conveniently close-at-hand venue of, er, Brighton beach.

The Independent (cough) and Daily Telegraph and Sun all tip their knotted handkerchiefs to this seasonal gesture, although somewhat disconcertingly for a tabloid, the latter does so at a discreet distance.

All that football must having a strange effect.

• Bookmark with:
• |
• |
• - What's this?

"I will never eat yogurt again" - Comedian Richard Herring, after Thomas Mueller scores for Germany

England's dismal World Cup exit prompted much soul-searching on Twitter. The team's injured captain, Rio Ferdinand, bemoaned the ruling out of Lampard's goal, Duncan Bannatyne went for a jog before the end of the match, and comedian Alan Carr snapped his vuvuzela in a rage.

• Bookmark with:
• del.icio.us |
• Digg |
• Reddit
• - What's this?