成人论坛

Although there is an attempt to try to play it down at the end of the first article, it still is interesting how differently these two stories are reported. One is reported positively and in the interest of safety (); whereas the other is a worrying development in military capabilities ().
Tom Webb, Epsom, UK

Re : If anyone can tie in the relevance of the picture of a rocket blasting off to the article please let me know.
Steven, Sunderland

Shnookums challenge? Now this is what REALLY happened last night. "I'd've taken you out but to eat but I know you're on a diet." Fortunately my expectations were already set very low - so actually they were exceeded.
Aqua Suliser, Bath

Re : for a split second there, I thought the 成人论坛 was being shockingly unPC.
Sophie, Belfast, Ireland

I find it strange that Lolita, the child, is considered the , but Humbert, the name of the paedophile, isn't...
Beth-Marie, London

Re Why I don't have a mobile: Break down on roundabout, half mile to nearest phone. Go and buy phone. QED.
Don Swinton, Ledbury

Gabrielle from day three of Why I don't have a mobile is very cute. Do you have her number? Oh, wait... Never mind.
Phil, Hull, UK

May I thank today's Paper Monitor for adding another alternative lyric to Bonnie Tyler's Holding Out For A Hero. "Great white Hercules" will be added to "street wise Hercules" or "deep fried Hercules" I will sing whenever I hear that song.
Rhys, Colwyn Bay

That's my favourite karaoke song! Woefully underrated, and so much better that Total Eclipse. I'm off to backcomb my hair and find some blue eyeliner. See me tonight at a karaoke bar near you (sorry in advance).
Sally, London

Ken, Chelmsford (Thursday letters), I agree, though it's probably going to get less peaceful now that all the burglars out there know of a building full of empty luxury holiday apartments.
Jen, Wallasey, UK

Don't got has been imported from the US (Thursday letters) - watch any episode of Friends for proof.
Dongle, Fareham

Meat eaters are not necessarily carnivores (Thursday letters), they may in fact be omnivores.
Jenny Em, Aberdeen

The had a big picture of the Angel of the North with a caption claiming that it is "seen by an estimated 33 million people a year". Is that 33 million different people? Have half the entire population of the UK gazed upon it in the past 12 months? Or could it be that some people see it more than once? With this kind of reckoning you could claim 1.8 million readers vote in the each year, but that would be a damn lie.
Kieran Boyle, Oxford, down south

As I can't get the comments link to work, can I print my fictitious Beatles headline here? Cheers.
Macca in contempt of court shocker: "I Feel Fined".
Steve Hill, Milwaukee, US

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Every week day the Magazine picks a quote from the news and displays it on the .

MONDAY

"You can't open a Yellow Pages and call a monastery" - - Universal Music spokesman on problem of recruiting monks for album of chants.

The success of computer game Halo has apparently prompted a resurgence of interest in plainchant, and Universal Music is poised to cash in. But how to find these potential chart-toppers? You can't just send an A&R man down to the local abbey. Universal's Dickon Stainer said he "wants people that are genuine, who can sing it as it should be sung. That's not that easy. It's going to be a challenge." Hence the Yellow Pages quip.

TUESDAY

"I love paying tax. It helps justify how much I earn" 鈥� comedian Ricky Gervais.

Success never came easy to comic Ricky Gervais, and now he's in the limelight he seems to be rather ill at ease with the riches that it entails. Speaking to the Radio Times, he also had a pop at how some entertainers do charity. "Why would I go to Africa and film myself crying" he asked rhetorically. Just don't mention the Diana memorial concert.

WEDNESDAY

"You try wagging these puppies around a while and see if you don't have back problems" 鈥� Dolly Parton on her back ache.

Country singer Dolly Parton is not the first performer to pull out of a tour because of the strain鈥� but might be because of this sort of strain. The "buxom" Parton 鈥� as the 成人论坛 News website referred to her - said she would reschedule dates after she was advised to take eight days off.

THURSDAY

"Lookin' Good for Jesus" 鈥� Name of make-up brand withdrawn from sale in Singapore after complaints from Catholics.

Do branding gurus never learn? After the Lolita bed, a range of cosmetics guaranteed to offend (this time in Singapore). The range was on sale at three Topshop outlets in the Asian city state and products included a "Virtuous vanilla" lip balm and a "Get Tight with Christ" hand and body cream.

FRIDAY

"I have always been inspired by the films of Godard, Visconti, Pasolini and Fellini" 鈥� First-time director Madonna says this is the standard she's aiming for.

It's two weeks running for the Queen of Pop in Quotes of the Week (and that's a 100% record given that the thread is only a fortnight old). Mrs Ritchie was revealing her directorial debut, Filth and Wisdom, at the Berlin Film Festival. It's about starving artists in London. Reviews were lukewarm.

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Snippets from the week's news, sliced, diced and processed for your convenience.

1. A white stag lives in the Highlands.

2. Brain tumours can be diagnosed by a handshake.

3. Ian Fleming's contract with the Sunday Times allowed him to spend winter in Jamaica.
More details

4. Kosovo's dialling code is the same as Monaco's.

5. A fire at a landfill site in Guernsey has been smouldering for three years.

6. Staffordshire bull terriers are one of only two breeds that the Kennel Club recommends as suitable with children, the other being a Chesapeake Bay retriever.

7. 99% of beekeepers are hobbyists.

8. The Billy Bunter author, Charles Hamilton, is the world's most prolific, according to the Guinness Book of Records.

9. The UK spends more on cosmetic surgery than Germany, France and Italy put together.

10. Giving birth to a boy may increase the likelihood of severe postnatal depression.

Seen 10 things? . Thanks to Adam Lloyd from Bromsgrove for this week's picture of 10 monkeys in Nepal.

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There we were, all primed for the conclusion of the momentous McCartney-Mills divorce settlement hearing, when the grinding wheels of justice slowed to a snail's pace. The High Court hearing is being extended into week two.

If you've done the , you'll know that's bad news for us, the tabloid headline reading public. Already this week we've had "Hate days a week", "She hates you yeah, yeah, yeah" and, when things looked a little more upbeat, "We CAN work it out".

Before it gets any worse next week, Monitor readers are invited to seize the initiative and do a spot of reverse headline engineering. It works like this鈥�

1. Come up with a Beatles song title
2. Then, magically summon a Paul and Heather scenario that might fit it neatly

"Do you want to know a secret" 鈥� Heather breaks confidentiality agreement and discloses settlement deal to the press

OR

"Getting debter" 鈥� Sir Paul faces financial ruin after judge rules Heather can have the lot

Below is a selection of your Beatles song headlines and fictional explanations behind them.

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A service highlighting the riches of the daily press.

"Where have all the good men gone and where are all the gods?
Where's the street-wise Hercules to fight the rising odds?
Isn't there a white knight upon a fiery steed?
Late at night I toss and I turn and I dream of what I need..."

Sometimes, when sleepless after a midnight feast of rather too strong cheese, Paper Monitor turns to the words of Bonnie Tyler's seminal 1984 hit for comfort.

And perhaps the good folk at the Sun have also been chowing down too much late-night Stinking Bishop, for they seem to feel the same way.

Today's front page features Ricky Hatton, clenched of fist and topless save for a Union flag. The paper, having signed up the boxing star to its campaign to "repair broken Britain", outlines his manifesto thus:

鈥� Tough justice for feral thugs
鈥� Discipline at school & home
鈥� More cops on the street
SORT IT

The Independent, too, is tub-thumping but so far the response to its global campaign to shame China into doing more to help Darfur is rather less rousing: "THE GREAT WALL OF INDIFFERENCE" runs its own front page headline, after George Bush said he planned to attend the Beijing Olympics and major sponsors refused to raise it with the Chinese.

So are either of these issues distilled into the Sun's News In Briefs with Nikkala, 24, from Middlesex? Er, no. Nikkala is delighted that Liam Gallagher has taken Nicole Appleton down the aisle after seven years together. "He can't be a wildman forever," she opines.

Come, lets all sing together: "I need a hero
I'm holding out for a hero till the end of the night..."

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A mobile phone may seem like an essential tool for modern life, but is it really?

A recent Magazine feature on sparked a flurry of comments from readers who don't own a mobile phone.

Whether it's the health fears, the price of living in a remote area or simply a choice not to, there are plenty of reasons why an estimated 14% of the UK adult population goes without.

And as the Mobile World Congress goes on in Barcelona, it's a good time to hear the mobile refuseniks explain how life still goes on without one.

DAY FIVE: To finish the series, here is an edited selection of the hundreds of entries we've received.

"I find it a blessing being out of contact. I watch the way people use mobile phones almost as a substitute for thinking. From the guy in the supermarket unable to make a decision as to what to buy without the advice of a remote partner; to the passenger on the train uttering the ubiquitous 鈥業鈥檓 on the train鈥� five minutes before they reach their station." Richard Paul, Romsey

"On the very few occasions of HAVING to use a mobile, the wiggly worm tickling inside the ear starts almost immediately or my ear gets hot in a short space of time or an immediate pain in the head. Having a passenger in the car with me and they answer or use one on their right ear can be particularly painful." Barry Winsbury, Wisbech

"Why don't I have a mobile? Well, let's see - why exactly would I need one? Take an average 24 hours: I'm asleep for seven (five-month-old son permitting); at or near my desk for another nine, except when I鈥檓 in meetings and can鈥檛 take calls; and at home for perhaps seven of the remaining eight. Which leaves me out of touch for the one hour it takes me to walk to and from work." Henry Oliver, London

"No matter where I am, how can I miss a mobile telephone when I only see the misfortune of others with them? The first time I received a call from such was from a client in his Rolls on the M4 to my office in 1980, to tell me he was going to be late for lunch. He did it to impress and that often holds true now. To be seen to be without is viewed as rather strange, except I view most users as needing mobiles as baby comforters. They HAVE to fiddle about with them. The mobile won鈥檛 get one any earlier to a late appointment and if you are dying, I daresay you will drop the 鈥檖hone, anyway." Graham Feakins, south London

鈥淎t home we don't answer the phone when eating or putting the children to bed and so on. Why extend that to when out? If I've made the effort to get away, why provide a means to be interrupted. One would have been useful attempting to contact my wife after an outpatient appointment and needing to be picked up, but one call in seven years would not be worth the cost of a phone.鈥� Richard Bragg, Winchester

鈥淟istening to someone else's work problems when while I was on the way home felt like unpaid overtime. I didn't want to be one of those people. I appreciate that mobiles are good in an emergency and once or twice it would have been handy to have one. I am glad that my two daughters both have one but I will continue to resist getting one. If someone wants to get hold of me badly enough, perhaps they could send me a letter.鈥� Paul Jackson, East Sussex

"As an artist/writer I like to be in control of distractions. Mobiles (and wi-fi in general) are the greatest unlicensed neurological experiment the world has ever seen. The radiation effects, particularly on children, are subtle and unknown. No research at all has been carried out into psychological effects." Rob Brownell, Colchester

"People will no longer commit themselves to anything as the phone allows them to change plans. I feel this is eroding the relationships people are forming as they no longer have to be honest with each other and can simply fob-off a contact with vague plans of hooking up. Whilst many people see this in a positive light I, myself, don't want to live like that. I would rather be able to spend the time concentrating on the people I have arranged to be with and so I choose not to use a mobile." Melanie White, London

"I am a retired language teacher. I have spent my career enabling my clients to develop the art of verbal communication, and now I insist on the right to relax when I am taking a walk, or to concentrate on getting to my destination if I am going somewhere by train or bus." Edmund Burke, Kingston-upon-Thames

"In addition to the reasons people have already given, I don't have a mobile phone because I don't want anyone to know exactly where I've been for the last 7 years, or who I've phoned. That is how long companies are required to keep those records, and they can be accessed by government or police." Jim

"I do not use them any more because they give me a headache. I recently spent 45 minutes at a hospital clinic where notices were poster were displayed asking people not to use mobile phones. Despite the notice, I counted 17 people using the mobile phones during this time. It seems people are addicted to them. I ended up with a terrible headache because of these ignorant people." Elaine

"I'm 59; so I remember the world before mobiles. How did we cope? We were organised; we were efficient; and we stuck to arrangements instead of feeling free to change them at the last minute. Yesterday I was at a conference where we twice said, "Mobiles off!" - and each time a mobile rang straight after. The second time it was the conference organiser's. I don't have a mobile. I managed without one for years; I will continue to do so." Martin Jenkins

"I'm an IT professional and I choose not to have a mobile phone. They are completely unnecessary and over-rated. Once you have one, you find all sorts of reasons to use it, thus justifying your need to have one in the first place. They are a waste of time and money." David

"I had given up mobile phones mainly because I was concern about the environment and the effect the widespread rise of the number of mobile phone masts around the country much less the world considering the disconcerting reports today, Mobile Phone Masts are damaging bees radar system (ability to navigate), the bees are failing to return to their hives and are as a result in decline." Rajiv

"Why would I want to increase my chances of getting a brain tumour by 200%? I never have and never will own a mobile phone. The independent peer reviewed research proving that radiation emissions from phones are harmful is ignored by both government and the phone operators alike. It is amazing to me how the media will only publish stories about phone industry funded research alleging little risk from phones and masts, yet completely ignore the thousands of studies proving that the microwave radiation emissions from such devices can cause serious ill health." J Elliott

"I am 36 and I never had a mobile phone and I still don't have one. I am afraid I don't tolerate people speaking loudly in their phones, people who, as soon as a plane touches ground, have to switch on their phones just to say: "Hi mum, I have just landed". Those people clearly make a very stupid use of mobile phones. So, at the moment I am fine without one." Anna

DAY FOUR: Ten reasons not to own a mobile, by Simon Fairlie in South Petherton, Somerset.

1. I get more than enough phone calls on my landline.
2. Rarely do I find myself in a situation where a phone is essential and there is no call box.
3. It's one more thing to lose.
4. It's another expense I don't need.
5. They are too fiddly for a bloke with big fingers.
6. They don't work properly in many situations.
7. When I was lent one for a week's intensive use I ended up with severe headaches and an inability to string words together.
8. They were marketed perversely by making landline users pay more to ring people who had bought mobiles.
9. Part of the profits go to undeserving landowners who get 拢5,000 a year for allowing an ugly mast to be built on their land.
10. They are part of a raft of technologies that might in the future be used for sinister forms of state control.

DAY THREE: After 15 years as a mobile phone owner, Gabrielle Collard (pictured below), a 37-year-old web producer from east London, gave up hers last year.

"The decision was made easier for me as I'd come back from travelling where I'd got used to not having one. Mobiles are like needy children, always wanting attention. I wanted to cut out the stress.

"Being self-employed without a mobile hasn't been a problem so far. My work isn't life-saving 鈥� email and a BT line is enough.

"At first I was anxious. Once, I was stuck in traffic and I needed to phone a client. But I just borrowed a phone from the guys in the van next to me. And it was free."

It's wrong to assume everyone is worried they can't contact you, she says, and mobiles have made people less likely to stick to social arrangements.

"There are more public phones than you think 鈥� lots of pubs still have them. And I still have a social life. It feels so liberating and somehow more grown-up without one.

"Sometimes when I'm out, I think to myself 'nobody knows I'm here... isn't it great!'"

DAY TWO: Kenneth Wilson (pictured right), 26, from Glasgow, says one of the key reasons why he chooses not own one is the association between mobiles and masts and bad health.

"Various forms of cancer, fertility problems, DNA damage and ear tumours are a few of the associated maladies.

"Although the nexus between these ailments and mobile phone use may be highly speculative, I find it entirely unacceptable that the mobile phone industry is permitted to peddle these devices to millions of people despite the possibility, unproven or not, of serious health risks."

He wants the risks to be properly investigated through a high-profile, transparent, government-funded study.

And he also has human rights concerns about the manufacture of handsets because the mineral coltan is frequently mined in the Democratic Republic of Congo where the miners, often children, are fiercely exploited, he says. And many mobiles are assembled in China.

Another reason is the level of "product worship", he says.

"This is how modern capitalism works, you have to convince the consumer that the product is meaningful and important, more than a phone, that it is about profound human communication or something just as ridiculous.

"I don鈥檛 believe for a second that people really want to communicate incessantly with each other, this idea has been sold to them on the premise that not to be immersed in the mobile phone world will result in cultural exclusion. Which, as a matter of fact, it actually does. Much to my displeasure."

DAY ONE: Clare Green (pictured below) is a 44-year-old housewife who recently moved back to the UK after spending eight years abroad.

She lives in Kinlochard, Stirlingshire, where the phone reception is very poor.

I don't have a mobile now and use skype to contact friends abroad or family. I am also a bit of a phonophobe, finding mobiles over-used. Why should everyone always feel they can contact me and interrupt my day?

"Why people feel the need to phone when driving or doing other activities escapes me. I'd rather talk in person or not at all. Most of what is said is drivel anyway.

"But I am not a technophobe and can use the internet and email/skype quite happily. The phonelines go down quite frequently here so it is better not to be too reliant on this mode of communication anyway."

After a couple of weeks in the house, her landline went down and she had to drive to Aberfoyle and use the call box.

"There is a really lovely community here and I'm sure any of my neighbours would have helped me out but we'd only been here a few weeks and I really need the landline to sort things out in our new house."

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Prices of roses, chocolates and other Valentine's treats rise by up to 27% for the big day, with an average increase of 10%, according to research by Nuts magazine. The lad mag's editor is incensed that men are ripped off at a time when love should be all around.

And here's why the lovey-dovey theme this week.

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To Rick from Stockport (Wednesday's letters). I had some spam that said: 'Get "Uniform Central Limit Theorems (Cambridge Studies in Advanced Mathematics)" by RM Dudley for 拢24.70', but I guess that says more about me than about you.
Jo, London

Is Rick from Stockport confusing sex with love?
Craig, Edinburgh, Scotland

Where is the evidence inthat Mavis Ward is lonely? The words she uses to describe her home are 'peaceful' and 'quiet' which suggests that she enjoys the solitude, and I for one envy her.
Ken, Chelmsford

Nice to see the . I went to Bracknell the other week, want to see my pictures?
Stuart, Croydon

Re: ? Back in my day we called them carnivorous dinosaurs. Has the word suddenly dropped out of common usage without me noticing?
R Stafford, Manchester

In , Andrew Cooper, producer of Badgers - Secrets of the Sett, said: "Before we began filming, I knew that there was a gap in our knowledge about badgers." A good example of 'known unknowns', I feel.
Luke L, London, UK

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A service highlighting the riches of the daily press.

Isn鈥檛 it lucky that Paper Monitor's colleague Random Stat has been kind enough to mention Valentine鈥檚 every day this week? Because, in glancing at some of today鈥檚 front pages, it鈥檇 be difficult to guess at its romantic significance.

Although, having said that, those papers that do mention this oh-so-special of days are a bit of a giveaway, quite literally, with romantic offerings galore (even the normally stiff-upper-lipped Daily Telegraph's doing it, with a CD of love songs). And lo and behold, the Independent has also managed to mention it, although not to go quite as far as to have a related freebie, preferring a book on the great philosophers instead. Of course.

For those seeking some reading material of a lighter, more traditionally romantic variety, there鈥檚 always the Mills and Boon novel on offer with the Daily Mirror.

The Sun's taken a discreet approach, more akin to that of a broadsheet, avoiding the familiar abundance of pink and red hearts that can be draped across the cover of a less discerning paper. Or so it would seem until opening the paper and there said hearts are, loudly splashed across page three. Further in (page 24) there鈥檚 an offer of a free packet of Lovehearts for the true romantic.

Paper Monitor wonders whether perhaps the reason for the Sun鈥檚 reluctance to make note of Valentine鈥檚 Day on its cover is out of respect for 鈥渟tick-thin Cheryl鈥檚 agony鈥�, the headline of its picture exclusive of Cheryl Cole alone on a beach in the wake of her marriage breakdown to loverat Ashley. So respectful, in fact, that the paper has devoted several pages to photos of her holiday on a Thai island (a destination chosen by the Girls Aloud singer, perhaps, to avoid the intrusion of the long lens).

Also souring the otherwise love-filled pages of today鈥檚 papers are images of a scowling Sir Paul McCartney and Heather Mills to-ing and fro-ing from their divorce hearing.

And without wishing to harp on about this story (having possibly made a passing reference or two on Tuesday), it鈥檚 good to see the subs are still having fun with those Beatles鈥� puns, judging by the Mirror鈥檚 鈥淗ate days a week鈥�.

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"What do you mean your tables are all booked? It's only a Thursday evening!"

Avid followers of the Monitor may recall from Februarys past that you don't have to be single to find St Valentine's Day a little bothersome. All that enforced romance; those expectations and ill-judged responses.

For these rather hard-boiled souls, the Monitor's imagined hero 鈥� Shnookums 鈥� has assumed the mantle of St Valentine's anti-hero. That line of conversation at the top of this entry鈥� that was Mr Shnookums this morning trying to book a table for tonight at his local peri-peri chicken diner. What will he tell Mrs S?

Here, Monitor readers are invited to empathise with Shnookums' unenviable situation 鈥� having forgotten to book a candle-lit table pour deux at the cosy local bistro, and found out rather too late that restaurants country-wide are booked up, how can you best convince your other half that you never intended to go out and staying in for a defrosted chicken kiev and a glass of Lambrusco (or similar) is the last word in romance.

Click on the COMMENTS button below to read the strongest of your weak excuses.

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According to a survey by the makers of the BlackBerry, 40% of us now send our Valentine's greetings by text message or e-mail.

For Wednesday's Valentine stat click here.

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Re . If it comes as a surprise that your car produces more than 225g/km of CO2 then you're probably not responsible enough to be owning a car.
RJ Tysoe, London

Is someone who recently bought a car with a high CO2 output level a carboxymoron?
Nigel Macarthur, London

Re Why I don't have a mobile: Gabrielle Collard, borrowing somebody else's mobile does not mean that it's free, it's just that YOU weren't paying for it.
Susie, Oslo, Norway

"Everyone's got a mobile phone, right? Wrong, I don't." I "don't got" a phone? That can't be right, can it? Sorry, but this has been annoying me for a while now.
Sue, London

Having been abroad for 10 years or so, I have noticed the move towards "I don't have" rather than "I haven't got" - has anyone else noticed this? Also how about the word "clearly" used by politicians, and when did "brain surgery" turn to "rocket science"?
Steve Jennings, Maebashi, Japan

I get very annoyed by people interrupting conversations to answer their mobile, disturbing other passengers on trains even in the quiet carriage, and using their phones while driving. I would be a hypocrite if I had a mobile phone which I don't need. I can only think of one occasion in the last year when it would have been useful to have had one.
David Wilson, Wokingham

Re : Included soon after the man named Lucifer is a quote from a woman whose surname on first glance looks like Satan.
Dan, London

Despite Magazine's seasonal cynicism, today's random stat is rather heart warming - for 78% of care home residents, romance is alive.
Phil B-C, London

Here's a random stat: 100% of spam messages in my junk mail folder have a love or valentines theme this week.
Rick, Stockport

Is there a flexicon entry for the sense of disappointment and annoyance when you are fooled into clicking on a story in "most read/e-mailed", only to find out it's from several years ago? May I suggest "hoodlinked" as a starter for 10?
Neil, London

reminds me of the .
Ralph, Cumbria

All this talk of "five hours of culture a week" reminds me of a long-ago school trip to see Shakespeare's The Tempest. There were [tee hee] willies on stage. Actual willies.
Dora, Buxton

Louise from Wales (Tuesday letters), have you considered that a Mrs Pope might not want people to know her real age? With my mother, for instance, you have to take the age she tells you and add VAT to get her real age.
Edenzor, Reading

A Valentine:
Roses are red,
Violets are blue.
I miss Punorama
And the Caption Comp too.
Pix6, Vienna, Austria
Monitor note: The feeling is mutual.

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A service highlighting the riches of the daily press.

It鈥檚 been a long time since Paper Monitor last took a dip, but if ever there was an incentive to get back into the chlorine-infused waters of the nearest municipal pool, it鈥檇 have to be the sleek wetsuit-like cossie its makers claim to be the 鈥渢he fastest swimsuit the world has seen鈥�. Fortunately there's no need to put this claim to the test as the Times has dispatched one of their common or garden reporters for a test swim.

No-one who's ever had that squeezing, wriggling, tugging and pulling experience in the confined space of a changing room can fail to feel sympathy for the writer as he grapples with the lycra all-in-one, after being scrutinised by the man from Speedo and issued with a size extra small.

The Times man was told that 鈥渆ven in that size, my shoulders were too small and I had 'no chest'鈥�. Is there a clearer example of a gender divide than the reaction to being described as 鈥渢oo small"? Where men may hide disappointment, the fairer sex will be unable to hold back from regaling friends and family for days. But before gliding effortlessly into the size zero debate, back to the swimsuit.

Did it actually work? Well, it sounds like that depends on the swimmer, but it certainly looks good, or a bit like a ballet costume鈥�

On the subject of fashion, columnists are keen to comment on Natasha Kaplinsky as she heads over to Five News, concentrating particularly on her wardrobe rather than her journalistic talents. Hugo Rifkind in the Times calls her previous onscreen attire as having 鈥渉ad a whiff of that unsettlingly cleavagey friend of your mother鈥檚鈥�.

Whilst over at the Mail, Amanda Platell recalls the nickname she kindly gave to Kaplinsky - Spangles - claiming it had nothing do with her being 鈥渃heap, sickly and brittle鈥�, oh no, no nothing like that. It was because 鈥渟he most reminded me of a cheap sequin sewn on to the frock of a dancer to make them shine鈥�. Paper Monitor wonders where exactly the difference lies? A point to ponder perhaps, when next attempting a few lengths of front crawl down at the local swimming baths.

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According to a survey by care home firm Barchester Healthcare of residents over the age of 70, 22% think people aren't romantic any more. One in four thought people were too busy for romance, and one in five thought young people were too picky.

Click here for more romantic Random Stats.

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Surely the shape of Mr Men is one of life's absolutes. Like the sky is blue and water is wet. Mr Strong can't be anything other than square.
Katie, London

My response to the slew of Beatles puns? "Help!"
Nigel Macarthur, London, England

Upon my mat this morning was a letter, surely only delivered to win the least sincere award. Upon the envelope is the phrase "I really think you will be interested in this survey" Followed by a printed signature. This one gets bonus points for being addressed to the people who lived here before me.
Nich Hill, Gosport UK

Re '', which quotes the line as "our teenage dreams, so hard to beat". Most lyrics websites seem to confirm my suspicion that the first word should be "are". Some omit it entirely. Clearly there is a significant difference in the meaning. Can anyone clear this up definitively?
Richard, Aberdeen, UK

Might there not be a connection between the introduction of the and the from Britain?
Rob Falconer, Llandough, Wales

I'd like to complain about the sexual behaviour shown on last night's Life in Cold Blood - nothing less than frog's porn.
Chris, Exeter

If Mrs Pope is 35, and "" then someone must have got their maths wrong.
Louise, Wales

Stuart, Croydon (Monday's letters) - re: Your Bazalgette remark - Stephen Fry already made that joke in QI.
Michelle, London

Re: Sophie's letter (Monday's letters). I've always read PM's column with Stephen Fry's voice in my head. The inclusion of Pop Tarts as a breakfast food was a lovely juxtaposition.
Bas, London

I presume the 成人论坛 journalists who spoke to him helped Kenneth Wilson with his dislike of mobile phones by pointing out that there has been a "high-profile, transparent government funded study" of the risks of mobile phones - the Stewart Report, published in April 2000. Even the 成人论坛 knows about it.

Dave, Greenford, UK

After quickly scolling through your '' story I was alarmed to see Penelope Keith's photo appearing quickly after the heading 'Blood-sucking killer'.
The Pete, Lincoln

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A service highlighting the riches of the daily press.

Some things have changed in the world of newspapers.

The Times leads with a story about illegal downloaders getting their comeuppance by having their broadband shut off.

It's a milestone of how far coverage of technology issues has come. The Times only mentioned "internet" for the first time in January 1990*, some time after its colleagues on the Financial Times, Guardian and Independent. Now it is hip, happening and down with the kids.

Some things have not changed in the world of newspapers.

Just look at the "humorous" Beatles references to mark the occasion of Sir Paul McCartney's titanic divorce struggle with Heather Mills. Just look at them. Look at them and weep.

In the Times, the headline is "Yesterday". This being both a song by the popular beat-combo's bassist and also the time frame in which the story occurred.

In the Metro the "wob" (white-on-black headline) says "SHE HATES YOU YEAH, YEAH, YEAH". This being an ironic reference to the song She Loves You and also to the breakdown in relations.

The Daily Mirror goes with "GET BACK". This being a鈥� oh you get the picture.

As for the Sun's "A Hard Day's Fight" and "With legal help from my friends", further words are unnecessary.

Paper Monitor feels for the subs who have to do this thing. They are only obeying orders. And should the legal battle drag on, their sanity will surely be tested.

As for the rest of the coverage of "Macca v Mucca" (Copyright: The Sun newspaper), it's all rather ho-hum.

Only the Mirror provides levity.

"The grim-faced ex-model was accompanied by her make-up artist Mark Payne."

Did she really get up on Monday morning and ask him for "grim"?

* Dated 11 January 1990, and headlined "Software virus creator Robert Morris in court", the article referenced the net as "the Internet network, used by thousands of scientists".

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For those who have been led here by the answer to today's Magazine , here is the new look Mr Strong, complete with narrower waist and bulging biceps.

The Mr Men Show starts on Five on 25 February.

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Random Stat hesitates to come across all smart and self-righteous like some of its Monitor contemporaries (no names mentioned, cough, Paper Monitor). Until now it has merely been a mute vessel charged with relaying to readers some of the more idiosyncratic statistical measures in the news. But with Valentine's Day in the offing, this week looks like being dominated by a slew of romantically-linked statistical findings, with more than a whiff of PR about them. Rather than take some principled stance against such naked publicity seeking, Random Stat hopes that by highlighting such findings it will alert others to the phenomenon. To wit, 12% prefer to receive or send Valentine's texts and e-mails rather than letters, cards or flowers.This compares to 70% of respondents who hoped to receive a Valentine's message or gift. The source of such a startling finding? A survey commissioned by none other than the Royal Mail.

Click here for Monday's romantic Random Stat.

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Reading the first paragraph from the "Troubled singer Amy Winehouse has been showered with glory by the prestigious Grammy Awards, winning five prizes - despite being absent from the ceremony." This leads me to ask the question: How many awards ceremonies strip winners of their awards because they don't turn up? (And to that, how generous of the Grammy Awards to let her keep them "despite" her not turning up...)
Tom Webb, Epsom, UK

- Can I get this on prescription?
Louise, Windsor, England

The 10 things photo is labelled pints but on closer inspection surely it's jars of marmalade? Wishful thinking on a Friday afternoon perhaps...
Lindsay, Reading, UK

Re : I don't find that at all surprising. I remember once reading somewhere that one of the main reasons why couples argue on holiday is because men think that they are free of their everyday chores, and therefore have more time to have sex. Women, on the other hand, believe that holidays are a time to get away from the everyday chores such as having sex. A destination which is supposed to be a favourite place for "romance" is hardly going to help matters, is it?
Adam, London, UK

Never mind guessing the PM's gender... what about its nationality? I've been blithely reading PM in a British accent, but perhaps an American twang would be more appropriate. Pop Tart indeed.
Sophie, London, UK

Yet another link from our local news.
Matt, Exeter

If new why aren't they green?
Vicky, E London

Re: Letters, Friday. Surely the only thing sadder than wasting time discussing the pronounciation of the Lim Dem meteorite expert's name is wasting time writing in to complain about it?
Rory, Grimsby

Re: Isn't it ironic that Joseph Bazalgette was responsible for removing sewage whereas his descendant Peter is responsible for introducing it in the form of Big Brother?
Stuart, Croydon

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A service highlighting the riches of the daily press.

After the Atkins, the F-plan and the Cabbage Soup diet, please be upstanding for Paper Monitor's very own weight loss regime (untold riches surely await): the bodily substances diet. It works like this 鈥� try reading a copy of today's Metro while munching on your pastry/cereal/Pop Tart (delete as appropriate) and see how your appetite evaporates with each turn of the page.

Bodily substances has a lot to do with the Paper Monitor Weight Loss Regime鈩� . There's phlegm on the front page, thanks to the headline about firefighters being "spat on".

A few pages in and there's a story about how the growth in fast-food outlets has led rodents to develop a taste for curries and kebabs.

And then comes the big whammy, on page 20. The story of how a gig at a pub in Newcastle descended into a brawl after a performer put his hands down the back of his trousers and then wiped his finger on the face of an audience member.

While the promoter says he's not seen anything like it in 15 years of the job, the singer in question claims it's all part of the act.

"We've done sex acts on stage and I've eaten light bulbs," he says, as if to make the whole episode seem more palatable.

Jim Morrison in the buff; Johnny Rotten covered in mucus鈥� guys, when it comes to outrageous stage acts, your legacies are starting to look decidedly shaky.

Let's focus on more esoteric matters 鈥� the Archbishop of Canterbury's musings about Sharia law for the example. The Sun has been out counselling public opinions and neatly distils the reaction thus: "Bash the Bishop". They must have been so proud of their front page headline on Saturday that they've turned it into a brand.

But if there's anything guaranteed to dull the appetite it's an onanism gag.

Is there anything that could possibly revive Paper Monitor's appetite in these gut-churning times? Something fresh, innocent, willowy and unsullied. Why yes, there it is on the front of the Mail, Express and Sun (though, perplexingly, not the Telegraph) 鈥� a picture of Keira Knightley.

Mmmmm. Now where's that pain au chocolate gone?

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Paris may be the city of romance but it is also the top spot where British couples argue, according to a poll of 2,000 people for Teletext Holidays. The French capital tops the list of destinations most likely to cause a tiff, with 34% of those who have been there on a break admitting to clashing.

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