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Archives for March 1, 2009 - March 7, 2009

10 things we didn't know last week

17:31 UK time, Friday, 6 March 2009

10_bricks.jpgSnippets from the week's news, sliced, diced and processed for your convenience.

1. The Sun promised Graham Taylor they would never call him "turnip" again.

2. Barbie dumped Ken.

3. The average number of friends is 150.

4. Former Booker Prize chairman John Sutherland reads airport novels.

5. The key to climbing Kilimanjaro is walking slowly.

6. Marital stress hits women harder.

7. The record amount paid for a domain name is $14m for sex.com, in 2007.

8. Two people in three have lied about reading a book, to impress someone.

9. Corpus Christi college, Oxford, broke the rules when they won University Challenge 2009.

10. ...and so did Christ Church, Oxford, allegedly, when they won in 2008.

Seen 10 things? . The eagle-eyed among you may spot that this week's picture of 10 bricks is from the archive, because the cupboard is bare.

Your (super-size) Letters

17:30 UK time, Friday, 6 March 2009


*groan*
Adam, Bournemouth

Re , the situation has further reaches than just England. I was most amused the other day to walk past a foreign currency exchange offering different rates for English and Scottish money. Is a UN Resolution needed?
Gareth, Vancouver, BC

SPOILER ALERT
Hurrah! Years of watching and rewatching The West Wing finally paid of today with the . Q6 a piece of cake. Feel free to ask more US-political type questions.
Cheryl, Newmarket

Paper Monitor is wrong. There are two clear leaders in the race for Most Unlikely News In Briefs. The first is Keeley, who "couldn't wait for boffins to turn on the Large Hadron Collider", and said: "The machine's main purpose is to explore the validity and limitations of the current theoretical picture for particle physics." The second is Ruth, thrilled that the lost city of Atlantis may have been found. She reckoned "Plato would be well chuffed if he knew about this." Quite.
Jane, Manchester, UK
Monitor note: Those are good, Jane, but today's is their equal.

Why on earth would people ? It's such a short book, it would probably take less effort to actually read it that to run the risk of being found out.
Angharad Beurle-Williams, Brisbane, Aus

Rob Falconer (Wednesday's letters) says that Coupling and Friends show us that the ideal number of friends is six but if you think about it, each of the people in both of those groups has five friends.
Charlie Grant, Nottingham, UK

Joanna (Wednesday's letters), mathematicians use a system called LaTeX (which rhymes with blech) to typeset mathematics. An example would be \sum_{i\geq 0} \alpha^i = 1 + \alpha + \alpha^2 + \dots.
David Richerby, Leeds, UK

When did I last hear someone refer to a manse (Thursday's Paper Monitor)? Well, yesterday, and the day before that. It being the name for the home of a Presbyterian minister, we have reasonable cause to refer to them quite regularly on this side of the border.
Macp, Glasgow

People at my church talk about the manse all the time. It was the second most popular topic of conversation for the two years we were between ministers (the most popular one being who our new minister would be). The previous minister had lived elsewhere, and the manse was in a right state, so over 18 months most of the church got involved in refurbishing it. My friend Mark helped destroy a concrete shed in the garden. The actual last time I heard it mentioned was in January, as our new minister is looking for a house when her family move up to join her this summer.
Alexandra Travis (aged 21), Leicestershire, UK (see, young people go to church and get mired in boring discussions too, and then go and do the fun actiony stuff)

Can we assume that the person who will be taken into custardy?
Sorry... sorry...
Sue, London

Caption Competition

13:44 UK time, Friday, 6 March 2009

Comments

Winning entries in the caption competition.

The competition is now closed.

morph_flashmob424pa.jpg

This week, multiple Morphs form a flashmob outside Tate Modern in memory of the late Tony Hart. But what's being said?

Thanks to all who entered. The prize of a small amount of kudos to the following:

6. rogueslr
"Of course, the original Morph made it big in films. He's now Wallace's left buttock."

5. SeanieSmith
1984 Animators' Strike - The Forgotten Victims.

4. Vicky S
"I'm looking for a pencil box. Wooden. About this high?"

3. JudgePix
Before they were famous: this week, the Terracotta Warriors.

2. Rockahula
Not surprisingly, the Fred Goodwin one was already half way to Waterloo on the sole of someone's boot.

1. ValerieGanne
"Flashmob? How can we flash, what with Tony Hart's lack of attention to detail?"

Paper Monitor

12:25 UK time, Friday, 6 March 2009

A service highlighting the riches of the daily press.

Imagine, for a moment, that you are a Fleet St picture editor. You are putting together Friday's paper, and despite a nip of frost, spring is in the air. What you need is a playful, yet still newsy, photo to liven up the front page, something to stop 'em in their tracks with a hint of "will you look at that?!?" about it.

dailytelegraph6march.jpgThe Daily Telegraph really nails the Friday feeling with the photo reproduced here. Crufts is always rich pickings for the old "spot the difference between dog and owner" trick, and two blondes grooming an Afghan hound is a photo op too good to pass up.

The Times, and Dailies Mail, Mirror and Express go for Michael Jackson during his four-minute appearance in London. The King of Pop's rather tarnished crown rests atop decidedly otherworldly facial features - now with an even more exaggerated chin dimple - and in choosing a close-up, the implied message echos the circus call of old - roll up, roll up, pays your money and sees the freak show.

The Sun and Independent take a different tack - schadenfreude, which certainly cheers up some of the people, some of the time.

"Cole in cuffs (It couldn't happen to a nicer bloke)" chortles the red-top, immensely chuffed at Ashley's arrest for drunk and disorderly behaviour... and, the icing on the cake, while his wife Cheryl is climbing a mountain for charity.

The Indy, meanwhile, has its own fallen poster boy - Heston Blumenthal, half celebrity chef, half mad scientist, whose restaurant remains closed after a mystery illness struck those dining on his elaborate culinary inventions.

Finally, is this the most unlikely News in Briefs ever? On page three, topless Claire, 24, from Dublin, is "pleased to see Tory Jacob Rees-Mogg make a grovelling apology to The Sun's Trevor Kavanagh after nicking parts of his column. She said: 'I'm glad this sneak was found out. What a cheek!'"

Of course she did...

Friday's Quote of the Day

09:47 UK time, Friday, 6 March 2009

"-99" - The ³ÉÈËÂÛ̳ weather forecast mistakenly plunges Kent into Arctic temperatures.

While the rest of the South East was set for temperatures of 5C or 6C on Wednesday afternoon, according to Daniel Corbett on the ³ÉÈËÂÛ̳ News Channel, Kent was in line for a shock. The temperature indicator stuck on the Garden of England read "-99". Thankfully this wasn't another freaky weather system but a technical glitch.
More details ()

Paper Monitor

11:02 UK time, Thursday, 5 March 2009

A service highlighting the riches of the daily press.

Gordon Brown must have smiled to himself last night, after giving his speech to both houses of Congress in Washington DC. There was some debate about whether he got the same number of standing ovations that Blair had got, but either way it was a lot.

So at last it was a chance for HM Press to do the decent thing and cheer their prime minister as he flew the flag abroad.

Only - and can you guess what's coming, reader? -it didn't quite work out like that.

So here are choice phrases from the demolition derby practised today.

In the Times, Philip Collins pokes fun at the phrase "Our task must be to build tomorrow today", saying: "What is this, time travel? Is he Doctor Who, all of a sudden? I hope we'll have finished building tomorrow by the end of today otherwise we'll still be building tomorrow tomorrow. I'm afraid this paragraph invites people to do what I have just done - poke fun. The future is not a building, either."

The Daily Telegraph's Andrew Pierce offers a "what he said and what he meant" assessment, including: "He said: 'Tonight, too many parents, after they put their children to bed, will speak of their worries about their jobs.' He meant: 'You might think I'm a weirdo but I'm a father too.'"

The Guardian is generally pretty respectful, though does wonder if Mr Brown was inspired by S Club 7 in saying people should reach for the stars. The paper puts its theatre critic Michael Billington on the review job, and he praises the PM's style, even saying he was a bit like Mark Antony. But he adds: "[H]e'd do well to rmeember that Mark Antony's triumph was short-lived and was followed by civil commotion, global turmoil and his own ultimate downfall on foreign soil."

But if it's real flattery you're looking for - and here's one you might NOT be able to guess - try the Daily Mail, which falls over itself with praise for the PM's support for free trade. Unfortunately, in finding a synonym for Brown, falls back on an irritating cliche. "These were brave messages for a son of the Manse". When was the last time you heard anyone refer to a manse, especially with reference to an ecclesiastical residence? The OED's primary definition is "The principal house of an estate; a mansion" which rather subverts the Mail's point.

And at the Sun, political editor George Pascoe-Watson tells us not to be deceived by the full house that Brown commanded in Congress. "There were many 'staffers' and interns taking up seats."

Ouch.

Lastly, thanks for all the Madness-bee puns - felt like it had the potential for a popular weekly challenge in which readers were invited to submit puns based on a story in the news. Did such a strand exist or is Paper Monitor being plagued by a phantom memory?

Lastly of all, a curveball that caught Paper Monitor's eye: how's from the Guardian online that promises more than it delivers?

Thursday's Quote of the Day

10:28 UK time, Thursday, 5 March 2009

"It's difficult to get my head around everything that happened and the fact I died" - Cheryl Crisp, who had a heart attack, lost her memory and gave birth

It's far too complicated to explain in a pithy paragraph. Instead, just click the more details link below.

Your Letters

16:09 UK time, Wednesday, 4 March 2009

letterscann424.gif

I have come on rather late. Still, no-one has pointed out that despite the ease and clarity of typing language, there simply isn't an equivalent for even fairly basic maths and scientific equations. If you want to do algebra, calculus, physics or chemistry or so on, chances are the best way to do it is initially by hand. Perhaps someone will eventually find a way of making subscripts, superscripts, Greek letters and the innumerable other essential tools of the mathematician as easy to type as they are to write, but we aren't at that stage yet. We should wait a bit longer before taking handwriting off the primary school syllabus.
Joanna McKenzie, Paisley, UK

I just wanted to say what a thing of beauty is.
Julia, Wisbech, UK

JUST ? I'm trying to work UP to that number...
Johnny No-Mates, Westbury, Wiltshire

What's the ideal number of friends? We've all seen Coupling and, er, Friends, and it's clearly six.
Rob Falconer, Llandough, Wales

Basil Long (Tuesday's letters) claims that "Mallow only ever refers to part of a plant". It would appear that the exception is when it refers to the filling of a Teacake or Wagon Wheel.
BM, Bergen, Norway

Time for a total!
2 x 50p
3 x 2p
34 x 1p
1 x Euro cent
1 x Canadian cent
1 x 10 Turkish kurus
1 x cheque (for 1p)
2 x postcards
3 x funny quotes
1 x greetings card
1 x bad penny joke
1 x Christmas card
1 x countryside drawing
... And bucketfuls of humble gratefulness from me!
Ben "Pennyboy" Merritt, Sheffield, England

Paper Monitor

12:44 UK time, Wednesday, 4 March 2009

Comments

A service highlighting the riches of the daily press.

Paper Monitor just loves the celebrity comment that comes out of left field.

Last week a Magazine colleague quoted glam newsreader Emily Maitlis on the . Today it's the Times, which recruits Suggs to write about beekeeping. Yes, that Suggs. Him off Madness.

For his house had two hives on the roof, until the bees suddenly up and disappeared. "My wife was heartbroken," he notes.

Nor are Mr and Mrs Suggs the only hobby keepers to endure this calamity. A new report says the country's 20,000 amateurs must be trained to spot the diseases which can wipe out the workers vital to the UK's lucrative apple and pear crops. That's right, honeybees.

"The only stress was the time we had to retrieve them from next door's washing line, where they were found sitting in a row," Suggs writes.

Which does rather prompt the question, how does one "retrieve" bees? It also prompts Paper Monitor to wonder if there are any Madness honey/bee/insect puns - submissions please using the COMMENTS button below.

Meanwhile, the Daily Telegraph is in clover. It has yet another excuse to run a front page pic of Gail Trimble after her team was stripped of its University Challenge title. OK, this is actually down to her team mate breaking the rules, but he only warrants a photo a tenth the size of hers.

After all, she is everything the Telegraph could want in a woman. Oxbridge educated. Reading Latin. Demure. Just the type a captain of industry might want as his Girl Friday. And any minute she might shake out that bun and whip off those glasses...

Why Miss Trimble, you're... you're... beautiful!

Wednesday's Quote of the Day

09:26 UK time, Wednesday, 4 March 2009

"The Beatles were peripheral. If you had more knowledge about music, it didn't really mean anything" - Van Morrison takes dim view of Fab Four

Grumpy Van Man is at it again. The Irish warbler has The Beatles in his sights and he's not impressed.

Your Letters

15:22 UK time, Tuesday, 3 March 2009

.
Jenn, Bridgend, S Wales

Porridgewatch. In the Guardian, page 15: "".
Phil, Cardiff

Whilst eating my Tunnocks Teacake over elevenses I noticed that it describes the filling as "mallow". This is incorrect. The filling is marshmallow. Mallow only ever refers to part of a plant, whereas marshmallow refers (amongst other things) to confectionery. I notice that Wagon Wheels also make the same mistake. I suggest a protest.
Basil Long, Nottingham

"" - Art Garfunkel.
As you don't (yet) have a Pseuds Corner, this surely qualifies as a Quote of the Day?
Sue, London

is a real achievement for Man U - Carling Cup and University Challenge wins in successive days.
MJ, London WC2

Are they sure is really a mirror? Looks like an Iron Age whiff whaff bat to me.
Stuart, Croydon

Paper Monitor

13:13 UK time, Tuesday, 3 March 2009

A service highlighting the riches of the daily press.

It's not often celebrities, in an albeit loose sense of the word, make it up to the seventh floor of Monitor Towers, but Paper Monitor has just seen Feargal Sharkey strolling past.

It's not a name that's likely to register much on the Richter scale, granted, but here's a thought that's worth mulling as you chew on your crayfish and rocket sarnies - thanks to the internet dating phenomenon, is a good heart these days less hard to find? Mr Sharkey... Mr Sharkey...

Now, your delayed starter for 10... after last week's feast of coverage on Gail Trimble, what's left to say about a woman who has variously been called a "human Google" (Daily Express), "intellectual Blitzkrieg" (the Independent), "quiz queen" (the Sunday Times) and "TV quiz whiz" (the Sun).

Step forward today's Daily Mail with "Paxo's Miss Brainbox". Such reverence.

You may remember how last week's papers mined a rich seam of editorial by comparing Ms Trimble's intellectual achievements with Jade Goody's more, hmmm, superficial success. While Goody is again all over the red tops, it's Victoria Beckham, more specifically her teetering heels, that have united tabloid and "broadsheet" in common cause today.

After yesterday's picture of Beckham planted uncomfortably in a pair of perilously high stilettos, it's time to get stuck into some follow-up material.

"It's been one heel of a day!" is how the Mirror signposts its idea, which involves an Essex mum donning a pair of similar shoes while trying to carry out unremarkable duties such as supermarket shopping, walking the dog and ironing.

Paper Monitor is still getting to grips with an aside in one of the weekend papers that revealed Paris Hilton uses her PA to do her texting. With that in mind, does anyone really think Mrs B does the ironing chez Beckham.

The Express simply cribs a load of archive images of celebrities in high heels to grace a piece about why "women really do look their best in heels."

Even the Guardian can't resist a go - dressing the whole thing up with a high heel survival guide. Tips include taking painkillers, wear woolly tights for better grip and, if anyone is kind enough to offer you a seat, take it.

Paper Monitor wonders how this all went down with those working on the paper's women's page.

Tuesday's Quote of the Day

09:33 UK time, Tuesday, 3 March 2009

"The people I mainly see here are often not unlike people I might know outside" - Disgraced tycoon Conrad Black on his fellow prisoners

Lord Black of Crossharbour, or prisoner number 18330-424 as he is known to warders at the Coleman correctional facility in Florida, is rather happy. In an e-mail interview with Canada's National Post he says he enjoys "coffee well-made by Colombian fellow residents" and granola for breakfast. In short, he is the classic establishment figure thriving in prison cf Jeffrey Archer and Jonathan Aitken.

Your Letters

15:20 UK time, Monday, 2 March 2009

In regards to not only were they slow to respond to the snow but one month later put out a story about how slow they were, ironic really.
J, Rotherham

Sometimes - when, for instance, I have a late-night curry - I can experience a certain degree of digestive discomfort. Never in my wildest dreams did I imagine I may be sitting on something valuable, but reading has raised my hopes.
The Therapist, Portsmouth, UK

Considering the statement inthat Pip had many photos taken, is this really the best picture that could be found?
HannaH, UK

Re: It is also interesting to note that the "testees" are naked. But the "testers" are not. Were they ashamed?
Malcolm, Wrexham, Wales, UK

RE. Ruaraidh Gillies' letter (Friday letters). It would have to be an Old French dictionary. They're quite hard to find though. Latin was the other language of the Norman court, so a Latin dictionary would probably be a good substitute. Mea capam capiam (I shall take my coat...)
Jonathan Riches, Tewkesbury, UK

Whose fridge is photographed in this story? With a bottle of Moet, a bottle of Veuve Cliquot and a brace of cans of Grolsch, they certainly aren't feeling the credit crunch!
Alex, Southampton, UK

Paper Monitor

13:19 UK time, Monday, 2 March 2009

A service highlighting the riches of the daily press.

Forgive Paper Monitor for turning back the clock a couple of days but it can't resist revisiting the Saturday Times interview with that doyenne of art kool, Charles Saatchi. Now, getting an interview with Mr Nigella Lawson is something of a big deal, as the piece itself makes clear. This, readers are told, is only the second newspaper interview he has ever granted.

Having bagged such a big shot, the paper saw fit to deploy not one but two of its star writers - Alice Thomson and Rachel Sylvester (the latter one of last year's star signings from the Daily Telegraph) - in what was presumably envisaged as a pincer movement. The star quality of our interviewers is emphasised by their picture byline.

And the piece itself starts off promisingly, if a little short on quotes, relaying some of the rich Saatchi myth and mystique. Our dedicated interrogators progress to telling how they meet Saatchi at his open-plan office in Chelsea where he is hunched over a screen looking at his website. Ok, so we're about 300 words in and the lack of inverted commas is causing the reader some concern, but we're led to believe that everything is going well.

"[Saatchi] enthuses about his latest collection..." we're told. But just as we're getting to what looks like the meat of it, the man himself drops a bombshell. THIS is not the interview, Thomson and Sylvester are suddenly told.

"Instead he will answer questions by e-mail. 'If I give you this invitation to Elton John's party can I get out of the whole thing?' he begs"

Crunch time for our dynamic duo.

Do they assume the journalistic high ground and tell Saatchi no deal. After all, an e-mail interview allows the subject oodles of time to craft their replies and precludes the questioner from coming back on an answer, teasing out a particularly interesting line and gently pushing the interviewer into more uncomfortable territory.

Does the Thunderer tell the godfather of Brit Art to shove it? Er, no.

The write up ensues in fairly stilted question, answer, question, answer format, with Saatchi showing little more than disdain for what is a pretty reasonable set of questions. For example:

Is painting dead?

Yawn

Do you want to be a celebrity [the interview is pegged to a ³ÉÈËÂÛ̳ reality TV art show that Saatchi is helping steer]?

I'm answering these questions, so I must be pretty desperate for something, but it certainly isn't celebrity.

What should the Culture Department be spending money on?

I wish I had the interest to answer.

Maybe the whole thing is meant as one double-page artistic statement by Saatchi, but Paper Monitor is left thinking the Times would have been better off accepting the Elton John invite instead.

Monday's Quote of the Day

09:31 UK time, Monday, 2 March 2009

"I am the only woman who has not been beheaded for leaving the Royal Family" - Sarah, Duchess of York

Fergie, as many still refer to her, is regarded much more sympathetically than she once was, but is apparently grateful that she didn't meet a grisly fate.

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