³ÉÈËÂÛ̳

Snippets from the week's news, sliced, diced and processed for your convenience.

1. There is a camel-mounted bagpipe band.

2. Transparent typewriters are manufactured for sale to prisons, to avoid the risk of contraband being hidden.

3. City dwelling birds have larger brains than those that live in the countryside.

4. CDs were designed to be 12cm (4.8in) in diameter, because it provided sufficient capacity at 75 minutes to store all of Beethoven's Ninth Symphony.
More details

5. Bonobos share eating-out tips.

6. Litter and graffiti could cause racism.

7. A taxi ride from New York to Los Angeles cots $5,000 (£3,000)
More details

8. Deer win respect by breaking up fights.

9. French police are currently allowed 25cl of wine or a small beer with their lunch while on duty

10. Rabbit jumping is a sport

Seen 10 things? .

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I've just clicked on a ³ÉÈËÂÛ̳ link for live wedding coverage and got a message saying, 'Doesn't seem to be working.' Well that didn't last long, did it?
Mike, Newcastle upon Tyne

Oh dear ³ÉÈËÂÛ̳... For the 7 Days Quiz, you ask 'Urban birds have bigger whats than their country cousins?' And then you chose to illustrate it with a photo of a pair of tits. Well, at least it brought out my inner Sid James...
Rob, London, UK

Regarding Monitor note (Thursday's letters): Would a monkfish liver mini-burger with umeboshi ketchup help? Oh dear. How uncivilised. Umeboshi ketchup? Never. It quite ruins the taste of monkfish liver. It's worse than pineapple on pizza, for which there is no excuse whatsoever. So there!
Raymond Hopkins, Kronoby, Finland

I found NEXT week's caption competition picture and winner here. Image 18. Lovely.
SteveD, Hamilton, Bermuda

I'd just like to get a final "I'm not interested in the wedding" comment in, before it's too late. Thanks.
Ray, Turku, Finland

Surely, as I must be one of the very few at work today, I must stand a good chance of having a letter published.
Phil, Leeds

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A service highlighting the riches of the daily press.

Now, Paper Monitor knows there is a very important story today. It must be big news, it's in nearly all the newspapers. It involves a beautiful young woman with glossy dark locks and it all happened in London.

Yes, Danii Minogue had her in an emergency operation. She was doubled up in agony apparently. Poor thing. The Sun gets a very lame gag in its headline: "Dannii tum op agonii". Still, just as well. They don't want to make her laugh too much, not with stitches.

The Daily Mail also features a glossy-haired brunette prominently. It has the from the final instalment of the Harry Potter film series and Daniel Radcliffe is being gripped by a rather funny looking chap. His his hair looks nice though.

The Daily Telegraph devotes a whole full page to a picture of another beautiful brunette. Natalie Portman in an advertisement for Miss Dior perfume.

Obviously, the Daily Star has a dark-haired lovely gracing its pages. It usually has lots of them. This one is called Kate. Doesn't that name sounds familiar? She's in bridal underwear, with a sapphire engagement ring on. Yes, it's Kate Green, 23 and from Northampton. Surely you didn't think!

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Winning entries in the Caption Competition.

The competition is now closed.

This week it's a family enjoying the sunshine over the Easter weekend in the UK.

Thanks to all who entered. The prize of a small amount of kudos to the following:

6. Manisha
Idea # 333 to stop greenhouse gasses from escaping into the atmosphere.

5. Nannon
Now nobody would know about Mummy's embarrassing accident.

4. Flux Redux
For the third and final time, bring my foot back.

3. SkarloeyLine
Ironically, it was Auntie Sandy who had first told young Max about nominative determinism.

2. TubaMiriam
There's more than one way to get a gagging order.

1. John_Sevenoaks
2012 Beach Volleyball pitch sabotaged by tourists.

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Re the art of explaining stuff, to illustrate team work, our trainer used a video clip featuring the NZ All Blacks Haka. Quite effective really.
Candace Sleeman

Surely the 'absconded' Nepalese choir can't be too hard to spot? And I thought this pumpkin sculpture was the latest Torchwood alien attack.
Rusty, Montreal, Canada

Dear Monitor Problem Page. A mate (male) and I have tickets for the Snooker World Championships on Friday night. The event is televised live on the ³ÉÈËÂÛ̳. Would it be inappropriate to dress up as William and Kate in a pathetically obvious attempt to get on national television? We are both in our 50s. Truth be known, I rather fancy the idea of wearing an RAF uniform, but Eddie is adamant he won't wear a white dress or tiara. Is he being unreasonable?
Richard Martin, Doncaster
Monitor note: A mature bride such as Eddie may feel a little exposed in a wedding dress. And the symbolism of wearing white may be taken as ironic. Perhaps an embellished coat and dress might do the trick?

Re . But not a patch on the CA-53W.
James Cousins

Re the "end" of stenographers, all these recordings will go to typists to be transcribed, which will put even bigger delays into the appeal system. Wealthy litigants and their attorneys, however, will ALWAYS opt to hire court reporters. Why? Because they've experienced the cheaper alternative - intelligent listening beats plain old recording hands down. It's happened here in the US.
PS: Henri, it's not "typing" (Wednesday letters). She writes all those letters in ONE stroke. That's where the speed comes from.
Leo Mankiewicz, Burlingame, California

John (Wednesday letters), I can see your point but often for victims the process of forgiving is akin admitting that what happened is no longer affecting you. Forgiveness and grief are often intertwined.
Sarah Simpson, Warrington

Thanks for telling me who won Masterchef, ³ÉÈËÂÛ̳ News, by putting a picture of the winner, BEFORE I had chance to catch up on iPlayer. *grumbles*
Ellie, Oxford, UK
Monitor note: Would a monkfish liver mini-burger with umeboshi ketchup help?

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A look at the stories ranking highly on various news sites.

The Daily Mail's most read list is dominated by royal wedding news including reports that in her wedding vows, service and that .

In other popular news, the according to a popular with Radio Netherlands story. The article says Thousands of volunteers are needed to stage the street parties around the country. But fewer and fewer Dutch people are willing to do volunteer work. It goes on to say that one village has "come up with a novel solution to the problem". It's going to import two busloads of Polish citizens to help organise the town's festivities.

The New York Times reports on a theory that during the past century. Dubbed the biggest story in human history, the "technophysio evolution," has been powered by advances in food production and public health. This has led to changes in height, weight, disability and longevity. The article says the improvements have outpaced traditional evolution so much that "people today stand apart not just from every other species, but from all previous generations of Homo sapiens as well".

One of Voice of America's most emailed stories claims that a is "sharpening divisions".
The article explains that the aim of the law is to force thousands of companies that report to the Securities and Exchange Commission and obtain minerals from the Democratic Republic of Congo (DRC) and nine neighbouring countries to reveal the sources of tin, tungsten, tantalum and gold they use.This is an attempt to stop the indirect funding of the war in DRC. But resistance has come from manufacturers and hi-tech industry who complain the law is too drastic.

A popular Al Jazeera story reports on a new book that . The book talks about how he moved away from radical views of black separatism. It also suggests Malcolm X cheated on his wife.

Russia Today's most read article . The form may require some applicants submit a full employment history and the list of ever residence they have held since birth. This includes details on pre-natal and post-natal care, the mother's residence one year before and after the applicant's birth, the names of those in attendance at the birth and those present for any religious or institutional events surrounding the birth.

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A service highlighting the riches of the daily press.

Paper Monitor is one of the few periodical digests on the interweb that feels duty-bound to cover a key aspect of the press - problem pages.

Dear Deidre has long been the best thing in the Sun, and now a cataclysmic event has taken place. Deidre is now over two pages instead of one.

And she now has the billing on "The World's No1 Agony Aunt".

On Wednesday she was just plain old "Deidre". On Thursday, she's become the world's best.

What happened overnight? Who was "The World's No 1 Agony Aunt" yesterday? Who bestows this title? A directorate of the UN, dedicated to resolving fictional-sounding sexual and social problems?

There's no explanation, but with 11, count 'em, letters, it's hard to be unhappy.

Today's highlight is probably the writer who says: "I have fallen for a lovely girl but she's no oil painting. I'm worried what my mates will say."

Deidre gives her usual sensible reply.

So how have the red-top rivals responded to this starting gun on the agony aunt arms race? There's no change in Dear Coleen in the Daily Mirror.

Just Jane in the Daily Star also retains the same format - one page but with a strip on the next page for the photo casebook.

The letter writers have a pithy turn of phrase.

One complains: "My girlfriend had a gastric band fitted. She's since lost eight stone in weight. The only problem is that her stretched flesh now hangs in folds, like tripe."

Ouch.

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With all due respect to stenographers, I think most of us could type "GBH" faster than "T K P WR A R PL" - Grievous Bodily Harm.
Henri, Sidcup

"Money grubbers"? *Groan*
Rob Orme, Winsford, Cheshire

Re Casio watches caption: "The F-91W is used in bomb-making." Short, authoritative, unexplained and mysterious. But I'm sure Mr Gould would not approve of such publicity.
Maham Farhat, London

There are some stories that I'm glad don't show any nominative determinism.
Jinja, Edinburgh

Thanks to the conjunction of the stories about the Easter Bunny and the man in Kent dressed as a Ninja, I now have an image of a pink rabbit dressed in black ninja clothing attempting to spread happiness through law enforcement.

With a rustle of fur he hops through the quiet Kentish towns, bringing joy though law, order and small chocolate eggs.
Lewis Graham, Hitchin

Anna Lowenstein (Tuesday's letters) - forgiveness is always desirable because unforgiveness hurts only one person - the one who can't and won't forgive. As for the idea that forgiving too quickly suggests that what was done didn't matter, well we have courts to decide whether or not what was done did matter and to punish accordingly. Forgiveness is the best way forward.
John Airey, Peterborough, UK

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A look at the stories ranking highly on various news sites.

Popular Elsewhere can't ignore the royal wedding as it is rising up to the top of most read lists in anticipation for the big day. A few highlights include the report in the Australian that . Meanwhile the Daily Mail's most popular story has pictures of the "spectacular" and its second most read story .

Outside news of the royal wedding, a popular article on the New York Times website is asking . To measure this, it looks at a study which monitored song lyrics over three generations. Computer analysis found a trend toward narcissism and hostility in popular music. It showed the words "I" and "me" appear more frequently along with anger-related words, while there's been a corresponding decline in "we" and "us" and the expression of positive emotions. The study concludes that teenagers love themselves more today than ever before.

A popular Economist story looks at the background of . It comes after two Tibetans in their sixties are reported to have died after being beaten by security forces on 21 April. The article highlights a previous death of a monk who set himself on fire as a form of protest. The article says "Tibet’s exiled spiritual leader, the Dalai Lama, has accused the police of not even trying to put out the flames that engulfed the young monk".

Time's most read article reports a series of measurements with "ground-penetrating" radar which have revealed a . This indicates that a couple of billion years ago, Mars wasn't much different from Earth, complete with rivers that carved huge canyons across the landscape and even oceans. Because open water couldn't have existed without a relatively thick atmosphere, it is thought that most of that Martian atmosphere leaked out into space long ago.

A popular story with Al Jazeera readers is headlined the . It argues that there is a battle commencing between the US and China over African natural resources. On the one hand, Africa increasingly turns to China for economic investment and guidance and on the other the Pentagon is attempting to establish a security base in Africa, named Africom. The article argues the US is seeking to reverse China's geostrategic foothold on Africa at a time when the war for dwindling resources is heightening.

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A service highlighting the riches of the daily press.

Paper Monitor had decided not to mention that thing today.

You know the thing. The thing with those two on Friday that everybody's been waiting for.

So in other news, the Sun reveals that men are the first to say "I love you". How romantic.

Except, according to the survey cited by the Sun, men do it before sex in order to hasten sex, while women do it as a sign of commitment. Boo.

Then, in the same paper, there's a couple who managed to get everything they needed to get married free after a Facebook campaign by friends.

Then over in the Daily Mail, there's an article celebrating the fact that Jerry Lee Lewis is still rocking at 75. They are sure to mention the fact that he married his 13-year-old cousin and prompted scandal at the beginning of his career

Then there's endless coverage in all the papers of the legal struggles over married men attempting to keep their shenanigans secret.

The Daily Mirror notes that many newlywed couples will find themselves renting these days because of the high cost of finding a deposit for a new home.

Ah, it's so good to avoid that thing. You know, the thing.

The greatest story today is the farmer who's had 60 black lambs, born to 37 white ewes and a white ram.

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Paper Monitor asks if the sight of someone dressed as the Easter Bunny cause psychological harm. It does when the Easter bunny in question pursues a three-year-old lactose intolerant child around a shop trying to MAKE the child eat milk chocolate and not taking NO for an answer.
Lesley-Ann Dupré

Thanks for that, Paper Monitor - I now have the image of the Donnie Darko rabbit in my mind.
Ryan Hill

Re battles and public holidays (Paper Monitor's letter of the day), Blenheim? Absolutely. Ramilies? Yes. Oudenaarde: Sure. Malplaquet? Er... I think RA Connell needs to check the definition of "Pyrrhic victory".
Alexander Lewis Jones, Nottingham, UK

Heaven forbid anything should compromise the epic-ness of the "chocolatey-ness". How about a chocolate stimulus program? I think it's something all sides can agree on.
Nadja, Bostonian Generally in Moscow but back home til tomorrow

Re how to commentate on a big occasion, on this side the pond, explanations of the traditions and ceremonial meanings are always welcome.
Candace Sleeman

Olympic organizers say ticket sales have "hit the roof". Do they, perhaps, mean "gone through the roof"? To hit the roof is to become suddenly extremely angry.
David Richerby, Liverpool, UK

Good heavens - ... and I thought they laid eggs.
Malcolm, Wrexham, Wales, UK

"Sheen 'crucified' in Passion play"? Oh, come on - he wasn't that bad.
Rob Falconer, Llandough, Wales

Can forgiveness ever be easy? appears to be based on the assumption that it is always desirable. But might there be wrongs so terrible that it could be inappropriate to forgive them too soon? As Rowan Williams said, this would suggest that the suffering they caused didn't matter.
It is inappropriate to forgive a serious wrong too soon, but equally, it is inappropriate to withhold forgiveness after a certain amount of time has passed. This means hanging on to a grudge for years and years, or a feud which goes on for generations, long after the original motive has been forgotten.
Suggesting that someone ought to forgive someone who has wronged them, when he or she is unable to do so, just causes guilt. It is easier to forgive someone who shows remorse for what they have done. If someone commits a terrible crime and refuses to admit it was wrong, maybe even insists it was justified, I don't see why one should feel obliged to forgive them.
Anna Lowenstein, Palestrina, Italy

Dear Police, I've studied one frame of the CCTV of this event. He's definitely hitting him.
Sue, London

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A service highlighting the riches of the daily press.

Paper Monitor has got that back to school feeling, despite having been on duty during the sunniest Easter weekend in living memory (subject to verification, and your own location).

Nonetheless, your humble correspondent is feeling a little bit flitty-flighty. And what better suits this sort of mood than a charivari from the papers. Apt, given what is happening on Friday.

HEADLINE OF THE DAY: The Daily Mirror mourns the passing of the Easter heatwave: "APRIL COOLS DAY" ().

SECOND HEADLINE OF THE DAY: The Daily Mail : "From mercenaries' sons to the man who stuffed $1m down his underpants... Guess who WON'T be sitting next to the Queen". Truly, a headline so comprehensive there seems little need to read the accompanying story.

LETTER OF THE DAY: :

Sir, To continue the theme of Trafalgar as another public holiday (letter, April 22), we could also have Hastings, Crécy, Agincourt, Armada, Blenheim, Ramillies, Oudenarde, Malplaquet, Talavera, Waterloo, El Alamein, Kohima etc.
Who knows? The British might never have to work again.
RA Connell
Guildford, Surrey

REVELATION OF THE DAY: People shouldn't dress up as oversized rabbits as it may cause "psychological harm" to animals. The Daily Telegraph reports that four Easter Bunnies and a spring chick were refused entry to Edinburgh Zoo for fear it would upset the animals.

SOCIAL ANALYSIS OF THE DAY: , the author of a self-help book tells the Mail:

• display delight when greeting a loved one
• be a loyal and true friend
• stop over-analysing and tune in to your gut instincts
• lead by example if you are a boss
• Doggedly persist when a problem needs solving
• And embrace the here and now

Right. Paper Monitor is going to take that advice and head to the park. Ears up, tail wagging and OFF THE LEAD.

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Should every child play chess? Yes. Made to? No.
Tim Simmons

Re: Should every child be made to play chess? Given the opportunity, yes. Taught how to, yes. Made to - NO. Forcing anyone to do something can be very counter productive, but giving incentives to participate is good.
Roofie Thompson

Re: Should every child be made to play chess? Bingo is not a thinking game. Unless I'm missing some vital point about it.
Jacktpeanut

So swearing relieves pain, according to the Telegraph and 10 Things? A bit behind the times, or at least the ³ÉÈËÂÛ̳. You reported on exactly , based on the same journal article, in 2009. Do keep up.
Kevin McConway, Milton Keynes

Regarding Paper Monitor: The art of trying to appear normal. Firstly I would like to know what/who is normal and who decided that it/they were normal. Obviously people who are thinking about such things can't be regarded as normal.
Ian Friend

Hi, I'm William, married to Catherine Elizabeth who is born on same day as Kate Middleton and we both from Berkshire. How royal!
William Stott, Wokingham, England

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A service highlighting the riches of the daily press.

With the royal wedding just four days away, is there any way someone else's nuptials can make it into nearly all the papers?

Oh yes, and the way to do it is have Keira Knightley as your bridesmaid. Pictures of the actress at her brother's wedding in Glasgow are everywhere today.

Forget what the bride was wearing, she's not even pictured in the Daily Mail or the Daily Telegraph and we in the Daily Mirror. But we do get many pictures of Ms Knightley's outfit and a full rundown: "An above-the-knee, V-neck purple frock, which she teamed with black heels and a simple hairdo." Just in case you were wondering.

But despite Ms Knightley hogging the column inches, the royal wedding still gets a look in. The lord and master of PR, Simon Cowell, even manages to get an X Factor front page out of it. The Sun's royal wedding "exclusive" is that the show's on Friday.

The Daily Mail is putting all its efforts today into trying to solve what it calls "a royal wedding mystery" - who invited Guy Ritchie?

But the Daily Mirror wins the . It's a photo of Nanny Pat from The Only Way Is Essex doing the universal street sign for "innit" with rapper Vanilla Ice. This unseasonably hot weather seems be going to people's heads.

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